Dancers Anonymous > Friends who are negative – how difficult to end long term friendship?

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by anntennis, Oct 2, 2013.

  1. anntennis

    anntennis Active Member

    I saw thread about negative comments from the dancer friend’s husband and thought about my own friend since college (oh, many years) – her negativity is completely ruins anything we decide to do together as friends.
    People change. It is hard to end friendship, but if it outgrew itself, then it is the best choice I can make I think now.
    In the last year or so:
    If we go to an Art Fair event, than she does not like the people who come, and hurries me to leave.
    If we go to the museum, then she is immediately tired, needs to sit down, her shoes gets uncomfortable, she is hungry, etc... And within one hour, or hour and half the most, she would like to leave.
    In the restaurant she tells the waiter , who decided to praise the food “This pasta has 3 meet sauces!!!” , that he should have told her that in advance, she does not want such a mix, , and asks to take the pasta back.
    I am buying new Nook. All 25 minutes that I am asking questions the salesperson, she confides with all the horrible experience she had to go through at B&N, and poor girl can hardly give me any answers on their new HD+ tablet. I decided to come back the next day.
    Last Saturday event was the last straw.
    Oktoberfest in NYC (I know there are similar events in Boston and Vermont) - I anticipated to attend for long time in advance. The whole unlimited beer/food event was scheduled only for 2.5 hours. The setting was beautiful- in the middle century like castle/museum.
    I made a mistake to drive to NYC in her car.
    I was enjoying myself tremendously, talking to various people and having nice relaxing time.
    In the middle of my conversation with others, she tells me that she already seen it all, had several beers, nothing interesting, she would be much happier going to the mall ,and she wants to leave. That it is her car, and I have to be flexible. That she went to this event because of me.
    That was an embarrassing scene.
    I do not understand that urge to leave places within the hour the most, if you already made an effort and spend money to get there. I should have predicted that something like that could happened, based on the past history, but I did not.
    I think she was rather bothered by the fact that I enjoyed this event so much.
    I think the whole behavior was completely idiotic, rude, and tactless and pretty much ruined the whole otherwise wonderful day for me.
     
  2. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    are you venting or asking for advice?...if it is the latter, only you can decied whether or not this is who your friend has always been and you just never minded, or whether something happened in her life to take her down this bitter depressive path...if she wasn't always this way and you think she could be lovingly made aware, that is one thing (and probably not likely, but possible sometimes)...but if you are realizing that is just the way she is, you can either decide how often is enough to see her (like 3-4 times a year) to maintain SOME relationship, or you can simply be less available/not available at all..or you can explain it if you think it is worth it....that you are no longer compatible...but it would be futile to argue the merits of each specific incident...she has become negative...if that isn't temporary, then you get to decide how often to expose yourself to it
     
  3. Gorme

    Gorme Active Member

    Invite her less on your events. If she asks, you can bring up this problem and discuss it with her.
     
  4. anntennis

    anntennis Active Member

    Thank you fasc.
    I am asking for advice, and venting at the same time. Common interests did change dramatically
    Yes, I think for start just making myself less available would be the path to go rather than through away 20 years of friendship completely.
     
  5. twnkltoz

    twnkltoz Well-Known Member

    I think you should stop taking her to things you really want to get the most out of, like a museum or Oktoberfest, and only see her for things like lunch where you can keep your expectations low. It's unfortunate to find you don't enjoy someone as much as you used to when you've known them that long.
     
    anntennis, Loki and Larinda McRaven like this.
  6. Hedwaite

    Hedwaite Well-Known Member

    Stupid question that may seem irrelevant: Has she had a child or gotten married/divorced/broken up/new relationship within the last oh, five years?

    I don't know why, but people forget who they were before these events, and it's kind of like you see this person who looks like who you liked, but nothing about what makes them that person is still there.
     
  7. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    hence my question about it being specific to a particular epriod of time...sometimes folks slip into a triggered funk and lose themselves...and that is gennerally something that might be easier to work with
     
  8. stash

    stash Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry! I have my own struggles with holding on to friendships too, and I feel like it has more to do with college then anything. And it's happening with the friend I've had the longest, 14 years. It hurts and it's confusing. I also don't know what to do with my failing friendship, especially when she thinks everything is fine between us. I just don't know how to talk to her about it.

    I wish I could be more use, but I kinda stick at this as well. :/
     
  9. DanceMentor

    DanceMentor Administrator

    One "catch" I have found myself in....

    As I think about people who are negative, I'm already thinking about this negativity. As a result some of this negative is part of me. So in a way the very thought of how someone else is negative is in itself negative.
     
    j_alexandra and anntennis like this.
  10. Hedwaite

    Hedwaite Well-Known Member

    Are you positive?
     
  11. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I think DM has a point ...I would also say that if we spent as much time thinking about the people who make us happy as the people who make us miserable, we would realize how much of the problem is ourselves...I made a promise long ago to start thinking about the people who are good to me...they deserve my thoughts and time.....but that tangential to this
     
  12. anntennis

    anntennis Active Member

    As far as I know no major changes occur in her life except for the fact that we all grow older.
    We used to play tennis a lot and went to various tennis camps and had nice time playing tennis with many people at the destination or locally. It is not her hobby anymore.
    Dance took over tennis for me too.
    She does not care about dancing at all, but in this respect she never passes any comments about my passion for dance.
    Keeping low expectation lunches once in a while is the great idea, so that nobody’s feelings get hurt
     
  13. Gorme

    Gorme Active Member

    Passive-aggressive behavior because you two don't share a similar activity anymore.
     
    Bailamosdance likes this.
  14. Bailamosdance

    Bailamosdance Well-Known Member

    Age does have a lot to do with these kinds of reactions from formerly easy to get along with folks; as I have aged, I have noticed that I have to stop myself from reacting to situations with open frankness / damn anyone else / me first. I think a lot of that has to do with the feeling that time you spend is too precious to not seize, to the detriment of everyone around you.

    Lack of patience is also a big big sign of dementia, btw.
     
  15. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I don't think there is anything wrong with being candid...candor and consideration don't have to be mutually excusive.....the friend could have easily said, "I know you like to stay at these things longer than I, let's take separate cars"
     
  16. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    All I've read of this thread is the question in the subject: "how difficult to end long term friendship?"

    My answer:
    It's surprisingly easy -- it's what happens by default. What's hard is to maintain and grow long term friendship.
     
  17. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I don't know about that...I have many long term relationships which are very low maintainence....there are a few which require hard work and which I have determined are worth it...and there are some which either myself or the other person have determined are not worth it...

    and I would also say that most caring people do not easily let a formerly improtant relationship dwindle...yes, sometimes it is easy and a relief but I don't think it is the default...at least that is no my experience...I concede that it may be yours...but it is not mine
     
  18. Gorme

    Gorme Active Member

    It's easy to drift apart. You don't talk for awhile and next thing you know, you're strangers.
     
  19. Dupont

    Dupont Member

    Not when you have long common and perhaps pleasant past. Years of no contact don't erase the friendship and memories.
     
  20. Dupont

    Dupont Member

    But I have to think about my enemies (who I consider negative people) to take measures. Otherwise they will defeat me. Hence, having some negativity in oneself is inevitable.
     

Share This Page