Funstuff and Inspiration > Heard any good jokes? (keep it clean and polite)

Discussion in 'Funstuff and Inspiration' started by DanceMentor, May 21, 2006.

  1. Shooshoo

    Shooshoo New Member

    Success

    At Age 03........... Success is.....not peeing in your pants.

    At Age 06............Success is......finding your way home (from school)

    At Age 12...........Success is.......having friends

    At Age 16...........Success is........having a driver's license

    At Age 20...........Success is.........having sex

    At Age 35...........Success is..........having money

    At Age 45...........Success is..........having money

    At Age 55...........Success is..........having money

    At Age 60...........Success is.........having sex

    At Age 65...........Success is........keeping a driver's license

    At Age 70...........Success is.......having friends

    At Age 75...........Success is .....finding your way home (from anywhere)

    At Age 80...........Success is.....not peeing in your pants
     
  2. Shooshoo

    Shooshoo New Member

    Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
    Husband : Nothing.
    Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ??
    Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.



    **********

    Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
    A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U
    Continue to do so.

    **********

    Wife : Do you want dinner?
    Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
    Wife : Yes and no.

    **********


    Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
    Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
    picture and the problem disappears.
    Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
    Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

    **********

    Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and
    lighten your burden.
    Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
    Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

    **********

    Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
    Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
    Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

    **********

    A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
    "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"


    **********

    Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
    Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."


    **********

    Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
    Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
    Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
    Millionaire: " Billionaire"

    **********

    Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
    The guy replies: Thanks for the warning. hahahahaha

    **********

    A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my body?"
    He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor.
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. SDsalsaguy

    SDsalsaguy Administrator Staff Member

    Thanks for the laughs Shooshoo! :D
     
  4. Shooshoo

    Shooshoo New Member

    Any time ;) .
     
  5. SDsalsaguy

    SDsalsaguy Administrator Staff Member

    Ummm, how about right now then? ;)
     
    1 person likes this.
  6. Shooshoo

    Shooshoo New Member

    Am I too late :( ?
     
  7. SDsalsaguy

    SDsalsaguy Administrator Staff Member

    Well, too late for for yesterday night but certainly not too late for tonight! ;) (12:25am here)
     
  8. Shooshoo

    Shooshoo New Member

    Have no jokes for now.

    Will this do? [​IMG]
     
  9. SDsalsaguy

    SDsalsaguy Administrator Staff Member

    What happened to "any time"? :lol:
     
  10. Shooshoo

    Shooshoo New Member


    Not good enough :( !!
     
  11. SDsalsaguy

    SDsalsaguy Administrator Staff Member

    Well, entertainingit may be, but not really a joke, now is it? :wink:
     
  12. dancesportgirl21

    dancesportgirl21 New Member

    Man: Where have you been all my life?
    Woman: Hiding from you.

    Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
    Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

    Man: Is this seat empty?
    Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

    Man: Your place or mine?
    Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

    Man: So, what do you do for a living?
    Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

    Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
    Woman: Do not enter.

    Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
    Woman: Unfertilized.

    Man: Your body is like a temple.
    Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

    Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
    Woman: But would you stay there?

    Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
    Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing
     
  13. cornutt

    cornutt Well-Known Member

    A guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I keep seeing blue and pink spots in front of my eyes!"

    The doctor says, "Have you seen an optometrist?"

    The guy says, "No, just blue and pink spots!"
     
  14. cornutt

    cornutt Well-Known Member

    Here's a local joke we used to tell in Chattanooga. To understand the joke, you have to know that Chattanooga is right on the western edge of the Eastern time zone. If you go to the western city limits, you're on Central time. An hour away, west on Interstate 24, is a town called Monteagle. So much for the setup, now the joke:

    A guy walks into the bus station and asks the counter clerk, "What time does the bus for Monteagle leave?"

    The clerk says, "Six o'clock."

    The guy asks, "What time does it arrive?"

    The clerk says, "Six o'clock."

    The guy just stands there looking puzzled. The clerk asks, "Sir, would you like to buy a ticket?"

    The guy says, "No, I just want to stand outside and watch that bus go!"
     
  15. DWise1

    DWise1 Well-Known Member

    Well not quite clean, but here goes anyway.

    The other night while driving home I was behind one of those boxes-on-wheels (Scion, I think it was called) that for some bizaare reason are really popular (probably very low-priced). It had a decal on the back that said "TRD" and I thought "yes, it certainly looks like one".


    BTW, TRD == Toyota Racing Development. Though what that has to do with that car escapes me completely.

    Disclaimer: It is not my intention to insult anyone who owns one of those cars. They simply do not appeal at all to my sense of automotive aesthetics.
     
  16. SDsalsaguy

    SDsalsaguy Administrator Staff Member

    What??? Are you trying to tell me that those particular vehicles adhere to ANY sense of automotive aesthetics??? :shock: :shock: :shock:

    Now *that* may be crossing the line! :lol:
     
  17. cornutt

    cornutt Well-Known Member

    Well, after the way Toyota ran away from Indycar racing with their tails between their legs, it kind of makes sense... :bkick:
     
  18. Shooshoo

    Shooshoo New Member

    To all HR people :pP

    After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been
    promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the
    Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR
    Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager
    his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down
    saying;
    My friend, you have not worked here for even one day. The man was surprised
    to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

    Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
    Man:- 365 days and some times 366

    Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
    Man:- 24 hours

    Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
    Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.

    Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?
    Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)

    Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
    Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)

    Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?
    Man:- No sir

    Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
    Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days

    Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many
    days do you now have?
    Man:- 18 days.

    Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that
    14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
    Man:- 4 days

    Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?
    Man:- No sir!

    Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?
    Man:- No sir!

    Manager:- So how many days are left?
    Man:- 2 days sir!

    Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?
    Man:- No sir!

    Manager:- So how many days are left?
    Man:- 1 day sir!

    Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?
    Man:- No sir!

    Manager:- So how many days are left?
    Man:- None sir!

    Manager:- So, what are you claiming?
    Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realize that I was stealing Company
    money all these days.

    Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!
    HR = HIGH RISK
     
  19. quixotedlm

    quixotedlm New Member

    All those holidays come from the other 240 odd days :p The moral really is, 'never go to HR for help if you are too dumb to begin with" ;)
     
  20. tangotime

    tangotime Well-Known Member

    more a story ( very funny )

    Friend wrote to me- Just moved to London. Now this is a country that knows how to live !!. Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place ! its beautiful; i,ve finally found my home. I love it here.
    June 14th.-- Really heating up; got to 100 today, Not a problem.Live in a/c home, drive a/c car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday, like this. I,m turning into a sun worshipper.
    June 30th.---- Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today, lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher here today, but I love it here
    JULY 10th---- The temperature hasnt been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat ?. At least, its kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat, is taking longer than I expected .
    JULY 15 th.------- Fell asleep by the community pool ( got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body ) missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though--got to rspect the ol sun in a climate like this
    JULY 20th---- I missed Lomita ( my cat ) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like kibbles and bits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat !!. Good ol Mr sun strikes again.
    JULY 25th.----- The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer !! And its as hot as hell. The home a/c/ is on the fritz and the a/c repairman charged $ 200 just to drive by and tall me he needed to order parts.
    July 30th-------Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nites now, $ 225,000 house and I cant even go inside.Lomita is the lucky one !. Why did I ever come here ?
    AUG 4 th.--- Its 115 deg. Finally got the a/cfixed today. It cost $ 500 and gets the temp. down to 85 deg. I hate this stupid country !
    AUG 8 th.---If another wise knat cracks " Hot enough for you today " I,m going to strangle him. Damn heat, By the time I get to work.the radiator is boling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat !
    AUG 10th------The weather report might as well be a damn recording........ Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Its been to hot to do damn s...t for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it migh really warm up next week !----- doesnt it ever rain in this damn country? Water rationing will be next. so my $ 1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow away. Even the damn cactus cant live in this heat

    AUG 14TH.-----W ELCOME TO HELL ---Temp. got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the windows and blew the damned windshield out of my car. The installer came to fix it, and guess what he asked me ?????? " hot enough for you today ?." My sister had to spend $1500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking england. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here ??
     

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