General Dance Discussion > How to deal with parents and public and short Latin skirts...

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by SPratt74, Jun 24, 2006.

  1. SPratt74

    SPratt74 New Member

    Lol! Ok, before things get to out of hand.... I am 32 lol, and I'm not a teenager lol. And I had just showed my parents that are visiting tapes of my recital as to which I happened to have on a short Latin skirt. Well, they just absolutely loved my dancing and they loved watching the other people that attend my studio, but they kept commenting on the short skirt lol.

    Parents will be parents I guess. But I tried to explain to them the theories as to why you want your skirts to be somewhat short in Latin, and how you also want them to be somewhat short and flowy etc. for dances like the Swing, and I explained to them how our studio director will check out your costume first before you go up on stage to see if it's appropriate.

    They sort of understood, but you know... they are old-fashioned lol. And thankfully a couple of the other instructors had on short skirts almost exactly like mine, so they sort of backed down. But anyways, does anyone else have this problem? I know on DWTS a lot of their outfits were short and skimpy, mine weren't, but they were still considered short by my parents. How do you all handle these types of comments when it comes to your costumes? I guess I'm just trying to figure out better ways to explain our dress codes etc. Thanks!
     
  2. Laura

    Laura New Member

    I don't know...you're 32. Tell your parents to stink it up and that not only do the skirts show the leg lines, but they also make you feel sexy, and you are old enough to dress and feel sexy if you want. It's not like you're 12, or still living at home.

    Do they make the same comments about ice skating skirts? 'Cause those skirts are even shorter than the Latin ones!

    I don't even bother showing my dad my Standard tapes any more (and I'm 41), because he doesn't know a darn thing about dancing yet feels compelled to make negative comments about what he sees. Some people are just like that. I'm still mad at him for the time that I swam the fastest 100-yd. backstroke race of my life, and the first thing he said when I got out of the pool was that I need to work on my turns. Not "that was great honey" and then five minutes later "ya know, it will be even faster if you work on your turns." No. I was pulling myself out of the pool and he leaned over and told me I had to work on my turns.
     
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  3. SPratt74

    SPratt74 New Member

    You know what's funny is that it was my mom that made the comment, and my step-dad was a minister lol. I would have thought that he would be the first to make that comment, but he didn't lol. My mom says the same stuff to my sister though, and she's 24, but my sister does wear really short skirts. I'm actually considered the conservative out of the family. But I am happy that they watched the tapes though, because both were very impressed with my dancing. They are supporting me 100%. Well, maybe 95% if I don't drop the short skirts lol. (They haven't seen the short tops yet that I plan on wearing yet though, but I can't wait for that to happen lol. :raisebro: )
     
  4. Chris Stratton

    Chris Stratton New Member

    Of course you don't have to conform to your parent's expectations - you are an adult. However, within the realm of practical and dance-flattering costumes, there can be quite a variety of options which may easily cover the full range from horror to approval in the eye of non-dancers. It can also be very easy to get caught up in an activity or group, to the point where one's own judgement is a bit off - sometimes those ignorant voices from the outside contain a hint of a valid point that we may be temporarily unable to see ourselves - though it may take some thought to find the merit in the comment since taking it literally may contain too much of the observer's inexperience. So for example "too short" may actually be more of a comment on cut or style than on length - something different of the same lenght might get a more positive reception. (This covers the skating skirt thing - skating skirts aren't designed to function as skirts, they are spin accessories, so no one objects when they fail to cover much)
     
  5. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    I've got absolutely no idea of how to help you.

    Laura's suggestion of telling them to stink it up sounds reasonable, or the less confrontational way of rolling your eyes and then ignoring them could work.

    If you figure out a good answer to this question, I'd love to hear it, because my parents drive me up with wall with this dancing stuff. What I wear (I have twirly skirts, which fly up to about waist level when doing turns. I wear bike shorts, so it's not a big deal, but still.), and the fact that I dance with "other men."

    I've been asked before if my teacher "touches me" during a lesson. Um...YEAH!!! It's DANCING!!! I don't even go into the fact that by now we're comfortable enough with each other that he'll just grab my hip to reposition me at times, and I'm OK with it. And I absolutely don't bring up AT, what with the close embrace.

    Anyway. Sorrry to hijack. It's just that I'm sick and tired of dealing with the bs from my parents, too, and I'm always looking for good ideas of how to deal with them. Because at this point, I've tried every approach I can think of, and it's now starting to ruin the relationship between us.

    And, for the record, I'm 28 and have been married and out of the house for 6+ years. DH is fine with the dancing and the "touching." I fail to see why they have a right to give a flying fig.
     
  6. SPratt74

    SPratt74 New Member

    No you can hijack this thread lol! I don't mind that on my threads! But yeah... I so can see what you are saying. But you know with my parents, they don't care that I'm touching the other guys like that. I even tell them when guys will do something by accident when we dance and things like that and they will just laugh. I just made sure to tell them that were all very professional though, and they could see what I had meant during my recital.

    And they absolutely loved all of the males that I was dancing with (I danced with four of the instructors) during my recital. They couldn't believe how good they were! So, thank goodness for that! So, they can take the other stuff... just not the short outfits!!! However, they did love the outfits the competitors had on, and they can't wait for those things to be shown on me. So, I guess we will see if they change their mind in the future or not. But oh I wish they would just lay off about the short skirt already, because that was nothing compared to what I'll probably be wearing in the future lol.
     
  7. Shooshoo

    Shooshoo New Member

    I think it's better just to ignore, as if they said nothing. They come from a different generation so they'll probably not understand or accept. And when they get older, it gets worse :rolleyes: .
    I also have had this problem and the problem is like you Spratt74, I get very irritated cause I'm quite reasonable in my actions and clothing. I found that some issues you just do what you want and they will eventually accept and some things you try not to hear. I don't think it's worth it to make a big deal out of it.
     
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  8. Laura

    Laura New Member

    I'm exhausted with parental BS, too, and I'm in my 40's, been married for 10+ years, and have been supporting myself entirely since my senior year of college (paid for it myself).

    Peaches, I struggled for years to create/maintain/hang on to/fake a relationship with my father, and finally gave up after he said he was worried about my personal saftey because my husband sent him an email asking him to think thoroughly about who he would vote for in the last Presidential election, and to consider the possibility of not voting for the incumbent. I realized then there was no way of coming to terms with my father and his personal idiosyncracies, and I have no desire to attempt to placate or please him any more. I won't deliberately push his buttons, though, because who needs a confrontation?

    Short answer: don't talk to them about dancing any more, and laugh off annoying questions and change the subject. I'm sure psychologist types would have some choice things to say about this kind of avoidance behavior -- but then there are also things to be said about letting sleeping dogs lie and not stirring up hornets' nests.
     
  9. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    The thing that kills me is that I've always been very close to my parents.

    I generally don't bring up dancing to them, unless I slip and reference it in an off-hand way. But they do know about it and ask about it, and I don't like lying to them. Sure, I'll avoid things and lie by omission, but I don't like the outright lying.

    But this dancing stuff...christ. The last time it came up I lost it--they were suggesting that DH drive me to the dances (and sit in the car???) because they didn't like me driving to "those things" at night. As if I never drove home from campus, at 1am, by myself, in an old car, with no cell phone, at the age of 18. Which they were fine with, so long as I made curfew.

    If it was a matter of trying to maintain a forced relationship, that's kind of one thing. But to watch our relationship deteriorate over the last year and a half--accelerated since I went to Argentina "against their wishes"--and know that it had always been really good...it's just killing me.
     
  10. SPratt74

    SPratt74 New Member

    Wow! Interesting replies too. Another thing that my parents bug me about is cost. How much do lessons cost etc. Although, I've started to realize that they do this around holidays. (We always get stuff for each other on holidays.) So, I don't take that personally any more. I think that with that they just wanted to help me out with something that I enjoy.

    It's nice that my other siblings enjoy my dancing, and one of my sisters said that she won't ever let me quit after she saw me dance, and that if I want to do it, then to go all out with costumes and everything. She's the tough one in the family too. So, thank goodness that I have her support! Oh and the other cool thing is that another one of my sisters (I have three of them) have met all of the instructors but two of them that were gone for competition. So, she helps calm my mom down whenever I talk about them. She's 42 though, so she's been through it all with them!
     
  11. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    Oh yeah, the cost thing.

    I don't even mention that, and I shut that down whenever it comes up. I just say that it's expensive, but worth it since we can afford it. (Followed by, in response to the inevitable next question, "DH is fine with it, because he knows we can afford it and it makes me happy.")

    I've been trying to get them to come to a social, so they can see it's nothing like DWTS. "Look, Mom! Hands on shoulder blades--very erotic! Oooh, and look over there--he's holding her hand to escort her onto the dance floor--good thing his wife isn't around to see it." But no such luck, there's always an excuse.

    Dear god, I could write a novel with all of the stupid crap they've managed to come up with. It's actually kind of impressive, for its creativity.
     
  12. Larinda McRaven

    Larinda McRaven Site Moderator Staff Member

    This would be my answer too.
    Steve always said "The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over yet expecting different results each time." If you know their opinon and don't want to hear it... don't ask.
     
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  13. SDsalsaguy

    SDsalsaguy Administrator Staff Member

    The version of this that I use the most is: "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got." A bit on the "cutesy" side, yes, but there's something profound there too.
     
  14. Laura

    Laura New Member

    My dad has a fit whenever I leave the country. It started after 9/11. I must admit I take a certain perverse pleasure having gone to places like China, Burma, and Cambodia in the past few years :) Meanwhile, he announced to my mom a couple of years ago that he sees no need to leave the US ever again. She got him to relent and say that Canada was okay, and mom has convinced him to go to Bermuda with her next year...

    I don't know -- I guess if you want to save things with your parents, then only thing you can do is really talk to them about how you have seen things change between you, about how you are a grown-up now, and all of that.

    I've heard that parents don't let go of their kids until the grandkids come, and if there are no grandkids...well, you and I are in that boat (me by choice). I wonder if that's part of the issue with the parents and controlling even unto our 30's and 40's.
     
  15. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I dunno Laura...they'll run all over you if you have kids too...if you send the message that letting them have their way is worth it for the conveniences they provide for you...however, I agree that having kids is an excellent motivation for nipping that stuff in the bud and keeping it that way....and it does remind them that their kids are adults....there are so many factors in play...lots of people who have lost a child or suffered a trauma are particularly clingy...and wouldn't have otherwise been as ...er...dominant...its never simple as I know you know
     
  16. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    oh and btw, as a psychologist type, laura....I wouldn't call that avoidance, I would call it healthy...the less we explain the more we loudly say with our silence that we don't need to...explaining ourself after the first time is a temptation worth resisting...IMO
     
  17. SPratt74

    SPratt74 New Member

    That's the thing though. I never ask for their opinion lol. But I do like to tell them what I've been up to, and I would love for them to come to a recital to see what all I have accomplished. But sometimes their opinions come with that even, and what can you do but roll your eyes and avoid those answers lol.

    Although tonight my oldest sister and I were at the kitchen table with my mom, and she went off about my short skirt again lol after I posted this lol. Anyways, I explained to her that in some dances, it's all about the legs and you want the judges to see your lines etc. My sister said that was the way it was, and my mom nodded her head like she was fine with it after my sister jumped in. And that's fine by me, because anything would have helped at this point in time lol. ;)
     
  18. PasoDancer

    PasoDancer New Member

    I'll usually take so much, then fight back a little. If I see it's useless, and won't go anywhere, I use avoidance. Not just with the parents, with just about anyone. Ignore it, and even if it doesn't go away, you still aren't wasting energy you could be expending while dancing.
     
  19. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    Well, if it's grandkids they're waiting for, then we're all SOL. Ain't happenin' here (also by choice).

    The funny thing is that I've never had issues with them letting go before this.

    And I've had that talk with them. That talk was step 4. Step one was telling them about social dances, and how innocuous they are, and answering questions and all that jazz. Step 2 was doing something to address their concerns about driving (emergency kit in car). Step 3 was dealing with the "this is not wrecking my marriage" nonsense, and stop discussing this amongst the family without actually knowing what's going on. Step 4 was "I'm an adult." I'm now in the, "Yes, you've made your point perfectly clearly before. I know how you feel already. You're going to have to deal" phase.

    Argentina was just way out-of-bounds for them. I mean, going to a foreign country without a MAN??? Unheard of, and way too unsafe. And then, I'd be dancing with other MEN???

    It's like they now feel, all of a sudden, that I need to be chaperoned at these things. Apparently, ballrooms are prime locations for abductions--who knew?
     
  20. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    EXACTLY!!! OMG, EXACTLY!!!

    I don't ask. I know what they think.

    But this is an important part of my life, and something that I'm proud of on a lot of levels (legit or not, I'm proud in my head), and something that has improved my marriage and brought me untold happiness...

    And it just kills me that something so good for me is slowly wrecking the good relationship that I've had with them.
     

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