General Dance Discussion > Is it possible to compete and "hate" your partner?

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by Larinda McRaven, Feb 23, 2009.

  1. CANI

    CANI Active Member

    :cheers: So True!!! Completely agree with what you stated and your approach.

    Have experienced this myself. Even if the person must cease to exist to me, I do see if there is anything I can learn from the person or situation. I've seen those who do the "simply cease to exist for me" approach because they can't accept that there actually is some truth to what is being said to them (in one case because the accusations being leveled at them were so unbeliveable to them as they perceive themselves, but actually a very accurate assessment of them when they've had some alcohol. Harder to see this, but actually something they could have learned.)
  2. Bella

    Bella New Member

    A lot of what Larinda is saying is sinking in (finally ;)).

    Especially this, "Disprespecting has nothing to do with liking a person but is a personal choice. And if you really hated someone you wouldn't even be moved to act dispresctful to them, you simply wouldn't bother."

    She's so right... and I realize it more when I leave my egocentric views aside.
  3. Bella

    Bella New Member

    :) :)
  4. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    and there is room for compassion for people who have to adopt that philosophy out of vulnerability as opposed to people who are strong and are just able to adopt it out of their strength and detachment...whether one picks that path as revenge (because they know it will hurt the most...which to my mmind is despicable), as wisdom, or as self-preservation...people do what they have to do...and people on the recieving end have to choose how to respond...shrug
  5. samina

    samina Well-Known Member made me reflect on the different psychological dynamics that can go into achieving that "you cease to exist for me" detachment.

    i know that some people do this very easily. i've had friends like this over the years and have been fascinated by them -- they tend to be more naturally true to themselves, less complicated by sensitivity to others or by a lot of self-reflection. a little closer to the narcissistic vein, one might say...*grin* But there are benefits to being that way -- self-expression comes easily to people with that makeup, and I'm sure there are many very talented dancers whose gift is freed up by it.

    personally, i'm more the sort that has to consciously choose & release it, out of giving respect & freedom of choice rather than the "you cease to exist for me because you don't give me what i want" that is a common thread amongst narcissists.
  6. Terpsichorean Clod

    Terpsichorean Clod Well-Known Member

    Slight hijack - I'd be curious to know the proportion of teachers who are in a position to dictate the terms of the lesson vs. those who have to find some compromise between what the student wants and what is good for the student.
  7. elisedance

    elisedance New Member

    I'm closer to your end but sometimes to the self destructive level of trying to please and be liked by people that either don't care about me (I suppose I've disappeared) or even actively dislike me.

    Interesting to see the different philosophies here - and I'm a bit jealous of those that can just wave a wand and disappear people.

    I suppose there are few here that can't read that....
  8. Larinda McRaven

    Larinda McRaven Site Moderator Staff Member

  9. Warren J. Dew

    Warren J. Dew Well-Known Member

    All teachers have a style of teaching, one way or another. Students go to teachers whose style they can handle.

    Some students actually prefer harsher teaching methods. Some of the best coaches I've had have been quite harsh. There's one coach that I get a much better lesson with when she has a cold, because that makes her less nice and more picky - enough so it's arguably worth catching the cold. There are others that yell or use destructive criticism on a regular basis.

    As was pointed out in another forum, people have ego filters, and various forms of harshness are one way of getting through those filters.

    Of course, actually understanding these teaching methods unfortunately means that they are not as good at breaking through my filters.

    I would also add that I'm not talking about the instructor's intentionally making things personal here, though harshness can be incorrectly seen as personal at times.
  10. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    for me it is a last recourse...i hate that choice as i hate to think of any person ceasing to exist who hasn't actually done so...but if someone has made that choice about me, then unless I wish to continue to feel horrible pain, I really have no choice but to adopt the same posture...even so, it is always a long time coming for me...i envy people for whom it is easy and yet also am not sure I really want too many of them in my me, to be that irrelevant to someone else is true hate whereas passionate hate is just hurt that turned into anger
  11. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I think the nature of the yelling is also key...I can take whatever I need to hear about what might be an impediment to my being a better dancer or presenting better in terms of appearance...but i won't be told that I am not a good person in any form or fashion, unless I am free to return the favor with impunity...and still, I would rather not...mercifully, I am in a space where any hard info is about what I need to do to succeed, not a negative assessment of who I am...and I can take that however bluntly it may be expressed
  12. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    I know that now I'm better at sensing this self-absorbing tendency in someone to write people off in a moment when something doesn't gel, usually when there is a difference of opinion or worldview, and I give such people wide berth, or at least am wary. Because IME, you can be very close to such people one moment, and then they can just shut you out the next. It is utterly foreign to me to be that way.

    Yes, I think so. I'm happy to give people wide berth who feel that way about me. That is truly no skin off my nose...I'm much happier for it.

    I can't imagine this dynamic existing in a partnership, tho. As I said before...quelle horror.
  13. CANI

    CANI Active Member

    Most definitely room for compassion, fascination...thanks for saying that. Truth be told, for me, it boils down to self-preservation. And never before repeated attempts to understand and give benefit of the doubt (in fact, I would say I go ridiculously overboard in my thinking and actions with people, able to forgive and forget unbelievable things). When people repeatedly (generally over the course of a year or more) act in ways that violate what it most important to you...while I respect them to live their life as what is best for short as life can be, it most definitely isn't something I choose to continue to invite into my life.

    Must sadly return to lurkdom...won't be on dance forums for a while...wish everyone continued happy dancing and growth.
  14. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    sorry to hear that ...nice to have your perspective
  15. Larinda McRaven

    Larinda McRaven Site Moderator Staff Member

    This expresses quite clearly my sentiment.
  16. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    tritto...with difficulty...but tritto
  17. Larinda McRaven

    Larinda McRaven Site Moderator Staff Member

    But not exactly for self preservation. Rather maybe because my brain just fills up with more important things in life to attend to.
  18. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member list wasn't meant to be a certain point one must simply attend to what is available and not what is no longer either available or desirable
  19. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    well said. i agree as well.
  20. Bella

    Bella New Member


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