Swing Discussion Boards > Leads Won't Ask You To Dance

Discussion in 'Swing Discussion Boards' started by Vince A, Jul 28, 2004.

  1. Vince A

    Vince A Active Member

    I've been asking my wife for ideas for the DF . . . she being a "follow."

    She asks . . . "Why don't leads ask follows to dance?" She says that for many years (the past), the women (mostly the follows) waited to be asked by the lead to dance. She further states . . ."you leads all stand around and wait to be asked by the follows to dance." "If you are not a modern agressive woman, you could wait all night to be asked to dance."

    Leads . . . is this true???
    Follows . . . have you noticed this trend???
  2. Danoo

    Danoo New Member

    i ask "follows" to dance....
    but i guess its true in a way =\
  3. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    I'll ask your wife Vince. :wink:

    I ask follows to dance when I want to dance. I never stop. Occaisonally I will not dance, and then follows will ask me. This is true. There also are certain follows who will ask me to dance, but I ask them as well. Thinking about it more closely I ask more often than I am asked.
  4. twnkltoz

    twnkltoz Well-Known Member

    I've noticed this at swing and country dances, but not at ballroom so much. As my husband says, "Why should we ask women to dance? We get so many asking us, and when they don't we get to rest."
  5. etchuck

    etchuck New Member

    I'm guilty for not asking follows at times. So when I do decide to break:

    Sometimes I guess it's the music (a favorite piece comes on and I want to find a specific person or group of people to dance with). Sometimes I guess I want to take a break and watch people. Sometimes I just want to observe how "friendly" the dancers are at a particular venue, seeing what types of leaders ask certain followers that I might ask to dance.
  6. Vince A

    Vince A Active Member

    "Think that she'll tell the truth???"
  7. tj

    tj New Member

    Sometimes, follows give off “bad vibes” about whether they want to dance, and thus, they don’t get asked.

    Sometimes, guys are just being shallow, and the woman in question doesn’t meet their “target demographic”. (Have had many conversations about this with some of my favorite salseras.)

    Sometimes, the guy is just intimidated by her.

    And like the others have said, sometimes it’s just the conditions: floor too crowded, bad song, too hot, too tired, etc.
  8. etchuck

    etchuck New Member

    I can agree with the "good vibes" bit. Usually, if I see a follower tapping along with the beat, I'll ask that person. At least I know that person is into the particular song/piece that dancing with her would be fun.
  9. Vince A

    Vince A Active Member

    I agree tj, that was my answer to her . . . however, I've just begun ntoicing this, since my dancing to "every song" has diminished. Usually, I never make off the floor before I grab someone or I'm grabbed. Everyone ows that I love to dance . . . and I'm easy and not too expensive!

    Many dancers walk off the floor holding hands, and if I see them let go of the hands . . . and if I haven't grabbed someone . . . the one that just go of the hands is the one I'm after . . . . the female . . . the female!
  10. twnkltoz

    twnkltoz Well-Known Member

    I stand by the dance floor, smile, talk to people, tap my foot, etc etc. I rarely get asked to dance. I'm guessing it's because I teach and they're intimidated...I'm a pretty decent follower and don't have bad habits like leaning on my partner or anything like that.
  11. Vince A

    Vince A Active Member

    Well, if they 'know' that you are indeed a teacher, I can understand the intimidation . . . I have one ex-dance teacher - Tanya Martin-Busch, who I love dearly - but I have a hard time dancing with her because she was one of my very first dance teachers nearly a hundred years ago!
  12. jon

    jon Member

    When I was in a place with an excess of followers, I did less asking. Now that I'm in a place with an excess of leaders, I do more asking.

    I don't think there's any trend here, at least not on timescales shorter than several decades. Just statistics at work.
  13. Spitfire

    Spitfire Well-Known Member

    I certainly ask follows for dances more then they ask me; now, the ones who do ask me are often the same ones who have asked me before.

    I have a question for follows; do you in general like to ask the same guys you've asked on previous occasions rather then ones you have not asked prior?
  14. ThatHaitianSwede

    ThatHaitianSwede New Member

    not bad :p she must be good!

    Yeah I am very guilty of not asking followers to dance because

    ~I am kinda shy

    ~I am not too confident in that many dances

    ~I, uhhh, have been rejected by some who I know at *other* times might want to dance with me, but I cannot because my pride is overbearing. 8) ............... :(

    ~Plus I feel stupid when I get caught up in the leader rush to grab a follow. It's inevitable but it's still not my style
  15. DancePoet

    DancePoet Well-Known Member

    I do more asking of follows then they ask of me. And most of the regulars at the studio where I most often dance, know I will get around to asking them if at all possible, unless it is a very crowded event. When it is a larger event, there are follows who have told me that they take the initative to ask me realizing they might not get to dance when there are so many people in attendance. I also have follows ask me to get them for specific styles, too.

    However, if I'm not asking I'm usually resting or sitting out a style I am far less familiar with or don't particularly prefer. Unfortunately this is when I most often get asked.
  16. DancePoet

    DancePoet Well-Known Member

    Oh, and I almost forgot ...

    twnkltoz wrote:

    "I stand by the dance floor, smile, talk to people, tap my foot, etc etc. I rarely get asked to dance. I'm guessing it's because I teach and they're intimidated...I'm a pretty decent follower and don't have bad habits like leaning on my partner or anything like that."

    I'd ask you to dance! I am always looking to dance with follows above my skill level. I tend to learn something this way, and usually use techniques being taught by my instructor which are easier to use with the more experienced dancers.

    Unfortunately, you are in CA, and I'm in New England. However, if I'm out your way or you are out my way, I'll ask you and we can give it a whirl!
  17. Sasashay

    Sasashay New Member

    If I'm not dancing and a song I like comes on, I will usually ask someone to dance. Otherwise, I don't mind not dancing because I like to watch and see if I can get tips on improving my style, etc. :D

    As for my preference on whom I like to ask, I will ask whoever looks friendly and available, whether it's someone I've danced with before or not. I do hesitate on asking someone who looks like he's part of a couple, though, unless I know both of them and I know she is okay with him dancing with other women.
  18. DWise1

    DWise1 Well-Known Member

    That can work the other way, too. No, not that way. Let me explain.

    Our Lindy scene has a fairly wide age range with sizeable clusters at the middle-age and the 18+ ends. Being one of the former, I am still rather self-conscious about approaching a young girl I don't know; even though I know it's just for a dance, I worry that it would look to her like this dirty old man is trying to pick her up. So my comfort zone is much more for the girls I already know (mainly from class) and women closer to my age, or at least not ultra-nubile 18.

    Though I don't always stick to form. One night a young girl was sitting a little off from the floor, appearing shy and uncertain as I remember back, so I asked her. She was a complete beginner, I think there for only the first or second time. I kept it simple ECS, wow'd her with the turn into a cuddle, a few turns, that kind of stuff, all the time being my normal friendly and quietly encouraging self. I wasn't able to attend that venue regularly, but she did and she always made a point of dancing with me. Now six months later she's one of the better followers (I tend to judge a follower by her swingout, which I am far too sensitive to). And she still tries to make a point of getting in a dance with me.

    And now that I'm moving into Salsa as well, I'm faced with a much higher percentage of the female population being young and beautiful and Latina (being Mexican by marriage, you can imagine). This is really going to be difficult.
  19. danceguy

    danceguy New Member

    As noted in my past posts, I was really shy when I started to dance...so I would sit out a lot and wait to be asked. After a few months I was cured and then became like the terminator sighting out dance partners. I will admit a few times I'd go up to the bar and interrupt conversations and ask women to dance...not the most polite thing, but they mostly said yes! :oops: :wink: :p

    But I've found how many women I ask depends on my mood and level of energy. During the past few months my life was very chaotic and it was a miracle that I manage to go out dancing at all. Most of the time I was just too tired to do much dancing...and didn't feel like asking anyone. Better I should've stayed home I suppose.

    When I went out dancing a few days ago...I felt like my old self...no problems asking women to dance at all. However as I live in an area that is very lead heavy, one of my main reasons for not asking is that THERE IS NO ONE TO ASK! Sometimes, there's just a few ladies who may be ones that I avoid dancing with for one reason or another...but most of the time there simply isn't anyone available.

    On nights where there are plenty of followers...I ask as many as I can. With Salsa when I get in the groove, I never like to sit even if I'm getting tired...but my area is very limited so you have to do the best with what you have.

    Just one more reason to start going out of town. Or move to somewhere with more venues. ;)

  20. dancin/dj

    dancin/dj Member

    hey tj, the bad vibe thing is what turns me a running-i quess its self explanatory.

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