Dancers Anonymous > Managing my dance crush

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by thorn, Oct 9, 2006.

  1. thorn

    thorn New Member

    I am happily married. My wife is an excellent dancer and I enjoy dancing with her. But -- I have a gut-wrenching dance crush on a woman that I started dancing with (also happliy married as best I know) a few weeks ago. We are dancing together perhaps 6-8 hours per week, part of which is co-instructing, part of which is working together on our dance (she & I have different core dances and we are cross-training each other) and part of which is just joyous dancing. Oh - and my wife is at least somewhat aware of the crush and has taken to referring to this partner as "my new girlfriend". I emphasize that, for a whole variety of reasons, there is essentially zero chance of this becoming a romantic liason outside the dance floor - which suits me just fine. I do not need more complication in my life!!!

    Question: How to manage this?? In the long run I suspect that my emotions will calm down somewhat, but for the now do I mention it to my new partner?, suffer in silence?, try to ratchet down our time together on the floor?, try my best to just ignore it? Ladies - what would you like me to do if you were my new crush??

    And this is not a teacher/student issue. We are both primarily social dancers, but of a sufficiently high caliber that we also are the primary instructors in our respective social dance scenes in town. In all my years of dance I have never experienced anything quite like this.

    And perhaps I just needed to get this out there and don't dare discuss it with anyone I know personally.
  2. Shooshoo

    Shooshoo New Member

    I would't want to know, you being married. Cause if the feeling is mutual you would be putting your 'happily married' relationship at risk. But I guess that would be bad for all the excitement.
    I personally wouldn't want to be put in such a situtation. Even if I think you like me, it's easier to let it pass when I'm not 100% sure.
  3. SPratt74

    SPratt74 New Member

    I don't think I'd want to know either. The thing is that with marriage it's more difficult. Let's say I was the girl you wanted to speak to about it. Well, what if I didn't tell you that I was going through a divorce, had a bunch of kids, and that my husband was a nut case. You would not only put yourself at risk, but your family at risk as well. It's not worth the burden in the end. I'd say enjoy the crush (because it makes dancing that much more fun), but don't say anything at all about how you feel especially when you don't know her background (or all of the facts in other words). And look at it this way too, would you want to go back to that studio if you told her how you felt and she rejected you? Do you want to keep dancing there? So, yeah... personally I'd stay away from the drama, but that's just my opinion though.
  4. quixotedlm

    quixotedlm New Member

    I don't know what a 'dance crush' is - a crush is a crush, and it's usually a mixture of sexual and romantic feelings. Calling it 'dance crush' doesn't make it any different :)

    Did you present this question to your wife? She is (hopefully) your closes friend - she is likely to be the best advisor in this instance. She could also do things to make it easy on you to get over this newfound liking of another woman. And your relationship might grow stronger if she knows that you are able to confide in her.
  5. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    not to shirk attention to your personal case but I would first go to general dance and read through the recent thread on "anyone ever have a dance crush on their teacher"...then I would go back and do a search for the MMMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAnnnnnnnnny other threads we have on this....only b/c, IMO many insightful things have already been said and can be accessed which apply directly to your situation....and welcome to DF
  6. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Wow, thorn. I hope you're all right. That's a tough, tough situation. Married to one person and crushing on another ? Wow. I don't remember that situation having been addressed directly, in DF. Actually, I don't remember many, if any, threads that adressed even seriously dating folks with crushes on others. (Not that it's never happened, I suspect, but ... :?)

    But yeah. There are quite a few threads that address the whole idea of dance crushes that could hurt the people involved.

    Um ... I'm not sure what to say. :?

    I probably shouldn't even stick a toe into these waters, but what the heck. If I were involved... I'd tell your wife and keep it to yourself away from your crush. Can't remember where I read it -- some relationship self-help book, probably. But the confiding that we do, according to this book/article, can sometimes become a relationship builder. So, if you were to confide in your crush but not your wife, you could be damaging your relationship with your wife while (perhaps inadvertently) building a relationship with your dance partner.

    Is that what you want to do?

    No judgment, mind you. I know that a lot of things happen in relationships and that not all relationships, even marriages, can be or should besaved.

    But really. What do you want? If things worked out so that your wife was out of the picture and your dance partner in it, would that make you happy?

    Rhetorical questions. Not challenges. Just rhetoric. I'm really wondering if perhaps this dance partner of yours isn't fulfilling some emotional need of yours that your wife doesn't/can't. But then, could your dance partner fulfill your emotional needs that your wife does? None of my biz. Just posing some rhetorical questions. :cool:
  7. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    Meh...I already posted in the thread Fascination mentioned, but "Waltz Tango Foxtrot."

    I'm married. Quite quite happily. DH doesn't dance at all. I've had crushes on every last one of my teachers--and some fellow dancers.

    I've enjoyed my crushes. I know full well that it's just a crush, I always keep that in mind, I always remind myself of my commitment to DH and of the many many ways that he's the only one I ever want as a partner in my life, and I keep my mouth shut. After that initial rush it passes, and I'm left with some nice warm fuzzy feelings.

    I wouldn't tell your crush your feelings, and contrary to other advice, I wouldn't tell your wife. Although it seems like she's got an inkling. If the 2 of your are secure in your relationship (big assumption, I know) I think you all should be able to weather it just fine. So long as everything is kept in its proper persepctive. As in, realizing that a crush is just that--an enfatuation (sp?), nothing more.

    And then, of course, NEVER acting on those feelings. As discussed elsewhere...the attraction probably can't be helped. Your actions, however, are fully under your control.
  8. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Yeah. A lot depends on the wife.

    I'm thinking in the context of my current relationship. Heh! I have a ton ... TON of guys who are friends. And my SO knows every single thing I can possibly tell him about all of them. Innoculation against the pesky crush bug. Or at least, that's how it's worked out so far.

    Hey. I may be crazy but I'm consistent. Getting it out there works for me. Every time so far. The cute, nice, understanding guy I dance with can become either the secret,tempting crush or the just-a-guy-I-dance-with (that the SO knows everything about.) I prefer the second choice.

    But to each her own. :cool:
  9. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    Well, like the OP, I'm pretty sure DH has an inkling when I'm crushing. It's hard to miss if you know the signs, and he's got to by now. He just makes sure I'm more than happy to come home to him. :cool: ;) Granted, I always tell him about the interaction between me and the crush--just not the feelings that go with it.

    Same deal when he's got his crushes. He tells me about them (hmm...been a while, come to think of it), and I have a pretty good idea of what's going on, but he doesn't discuss any other thoughts going through his brain. I just make sure he has no way of forgetting all the wonderful things he comes home to with me.

    (Dinner, people! *cough* Yeah...dinner.)
  10. Larinda McRaven

    Larinda McRaven Site Moderator Staff Member

  11. waltzgirl

    waltzgirl Active Member

    I'll just repeat my mantra on the subject: The real problem with infideility is not who you lie with, it's who you lie to.
  12. squirrel

    squirrel New Member

    LOL some of you should have become preachers ;)

    I tell everything to my BF, INCLUDING and MOST OF ALL the feelings and emotions I am going through. Why not? Is he blind? He is my partner and sees me dance with the guys. He knows me. How can I pretend "Oh baby, you know, it's just a guy I dance with, nice one, but no more than that!".

    Acting on my "emotions" is something I can choose to do or not. But sometimes there is a cloak on one's brain. I am not saying it is all right to act on things. I am saying it happens. A lot more than we would like to admit.
  13. Shooshoo

    Shooshoo New Member

    Love the way you're brain storming on this :) .
  14. Shooshoo

    Shooshoo New Member

    Is it only me here?
    I usually get one crush at a time :( , and that is enough to exhaust me.
  15. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    the only reason to tell, IMO...but it is an important to prevent it from happening...if you begin to toy with fantasy...if you begin to sense weak resolve....telling will end the fantasy and the opportunity...IMO it is a good will then be accountable...otherwise, no, as said if you feel confident that it will pass and you are SURE that you won't act on it...however, as I mentioned, while not all the the circumstances are the same, there is wisdom to be found in the other a married person myself, I have been in that situation very badly...I can only tell you that eventually I had to tell b/c it didn't go away and I didn't want to change parnters on either after a YEAR of suffering in silence, I told pro who didn't suspect it, but handled it quite well...this helped b/c whenever I felt overwhelmed by feelings, he wouldn't ask me what was going on anymore...we'd just ignore it or I'd take the day off...but eventually the guilt of that was still draining and another 6 months down the road I told dh...this was (for me) an exceedingly helpful (albeit unbeleivably painful in the short term) keeps me in the real world...that is all...again, that is only me
  16. DancePoet

    DancePoet Well-Known Member

    If the relationship is working with your spouse, then truth will be ok. If the relationship isn't working, and both of you want it to, then truth could improve the relationship.

    The relationship with the spouse is the one that counts first. Then worry about what will happen with the crush, and at that point it could take care of itself.

    And by the way, there could be other threads regarding dance crushes of one kind or another, and some of the advice found elsewhere could be helpful. In the end, it all seems to still come down to the quality of one's closest signifcant relationship, which if it includes feeling feelings, honesty, and upholding one's word, then a couple has taken a super step in creating joy for themselves individually and together.

    Hope all goes well for you as you work this out.
  17. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    I like it. (Don't entirely agree, though. That lying WITH thingie could be problematic for me. :lol: )

    I think all the views, here, have more in common than is immediately seen, on the surface. From what I'm seeing/hearing, each of us acknowledges that there are some limits to what's okay to do, when you're in a committed relationship. And that works fine, since each of us is different and our relationships are different. So we, each of us, get to negotiate our own limits, within the context of our own relationships.

    Having spent some time in a long-term relationship that involved emotional infidelity (his -- not mine) and quite likely physical infidelity (Although he never admitted it directly, I have good reasons to believe it was there) I've formed my view.

    Friends who are guys/girls are perfectly okay for me or my SO to have. Secrets aren't. Even the best of relationships, IME, hit rough patches where they're vulnerable and the people in them are vulnerable. So why risk it? But that's me, based on what I've experienced.

    (And the scary -- but possibly inflated -- statistics that are out there regarding infidelity don't reassure me one bit, either. Not that infidelity always ends relationships. It does damage them, though. But that's another thread.)

    If, OTOH, you feel that your relationship is okay with undeclared crushes or perhaps better because of them? That's okay too. Whatever works for you is fine. :cool:
  18. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I agree DP...I can't speak for dh but I think it means something to him that I struggled with this for so long and didn't act on it and told him eventaully...he knows I waited b/c I didn't want to hurt him...and he knows the damage it caused me which was not insignificant... he shows me everyday that he trusts me and that means more to me than anything, because I earned that the hard way...and P also has a point...what I fell in love with really had alot of the same aspects of what i fell in love with in DH...just a very long time ago...and all new relationships are exciting in ways that you have to really work to maintain in old relationships, and as dh has said, while he can never compete with that, there is so very, very much that he and I have together that no one else has or can offer...we have a deep and abiding knowlege of each other and a time tested history of mercy and understanding, and a commonality of values and goals....we can't have everything we is wise to pick wisely and to not second guess those talking this over with dh, I can only say that fom my perspective, his generosity and self confidence and grace throughout the whole thing has only made me love him more....and he has stepped up to the plate on many of the things for which he contributed to the lull that we allowed our marriage to be in....
  19. nikita

    nikita New Member

    Women/wifes have a very fine sensor for something like this. Usually we know/feel from the beginning, that something is going on..:raisebro:
    So, if I would be you, I would stay away from her:) .
  20. LXC

    LXC New Member

    i agree 100% with preaches. enjoy your time with her but don't act on it. IT WILL GO AWAY. and i would not tell your wife for that same reason. when the crushes go away, you don't want that public confession to remain in the marriage. that's just my opinion.

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