Dancers Anonymous > Match-ups, Fix-ups, and Blind Dates

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by pygmalion, Feb 20, 2006.

  1. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Yeah. If it's true, that's one thing. Have at it. But, if it's not true, you're just changing one set of problems (what to do with a blind date) for another (how to deal with coming out when you're not even in. :?)

    Personally, I prefer the direct approach. Just say no to bad dates. :lol:
  2. lynn

    lynn New Member

    Then you risk shattering the guy's very fragile self-esteem. That's the hardest part, some guys prefer the direct approach so they can move on while others prefer the subtle approach - the "don't tell me, just don't return my calls and I'll get it".... it's difficult figuring out who belongs to which group.

    Well, a little story from last night's party - i was treating everyone with equally attention and was accused of being not passionate enough to my blind date! Apparently, I was expected to throw myself at him and pretty much jump in his lap :( ! *end rant*
  3. Joe

    Joe Well-Known Member

    Believe me, if you're not interested, just give it to 'em straight. It's better for both of you.
  4. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    yep....with the guy...the direct approach is best...dont we all want to be levelled with...I only advocate messing with maniplative parents when one is an adult as a sanity preservation device...the guy tho deserves a fir chance and and honest response
  5. Shooshoo

    Shooshoo New Member

    I think the direct approach is best, then there won't be any misunderstandings. Honesty is the best when is comes to relationships.
    It's better than him not understanding where he stands. I'm sure it's easier for him to move on.

    huh:rolleyes: ?, did any of the guys who stopped wanting to see you ever think/consider YOUR self-esteem?
  6. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    lynn---I still cant help thinking that A) your hostility toward you mother made it impossible for you to even give him a fair shake...and that B) I doubt she wanted you to jump in his lap or look passionate...but rather I think you feel pressured to like him and show it more than you did...NO? anyhow, thats your personal business...and it certainly is understandable....but I guess I would seriously re-think doing this again if you aren't able to get past her involvement to see the guy as more that some pathetic schlep that she scrounged up for you...its just not fair to you or him or your mom to go along with it IMO...unless you have an open mind...and really why should you?...there is alot that needs to be said to your mom IMO and perhaps that is stressful and frightening, always available via PM....dont mean to sound heavy handed...just hate to see this scenario repeat very often...hug...i mean even your language, "his fragile ego"....was it ? do you know? connotes an inability to see past her interference IMo ...unless I misred...which of course is another distinct possibility...anyhow, am sure you feel exposed enough by now...hug hug....
  7. Shooshoo

    Shooshoo New Member

    I find it quite strange/interesting that lynn is having to deal with her mom regarding dating/marriage issues.
    I thought is only happened from Egyptian/Eastern mothers?
  8. skwiggy

    skwiggy Well-Known Member

    Nope, that's all mothers.
  9. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    Agree with that. For a while, until you get to some sort of agreement. Helps when mom is a couple thousand miles away on another continent.
  10. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    the desire for an in-law that you've hand picked and the desire for grandchildren traverses all cultures don't you literalists get all specific on me
  11. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Hmm. There's nothing I can add to this conversation while still being diplomatic and impartial.

    I'll add a couple general observations, from the perspective of a "good girl" who was raised to be passive and obedient, by nice, well-meaning parents who love me.

    One, being passive -- valuing others' desires at the expense of our own -- is a very valuable relationship management technique, sometimes. It is better, IMO, to sometimes let the other person go first or have their way, or whatever.

    But, in my experience, being passive all the time is really awful, for the passive person. Everybody else thinks things are fine, because it's basically the status quo. But your needs and desires, as an adult human being, are constantly ignored. It hurts -- emotionally, and sometimes physically. But it is SO HARD to let passivity go -- fiirst, it's a lifelong habit. Second, there's a fear of going too far in the other direction and becoming self-centered. Third, some cultures actively discourage anything other than passivity in women. Fourth, and I think most importantly, owning ones own feelings is scary, if you've never done it. And a bunch more stuff.

    Coming out from under the "good girl" label is not as simple as having a conversation or two. It's a fundamental change in the way you look at things and the way you do things. It takes years to change. Years. The problem is that, if you don't take steps to fend for yourself, it's very easy to get into a pattern of abdicating ones own decision-making responsibility while resenting the fact that the decisions were "taken out of our hands." The decisions really aren't taken from us, as adults. Often, we give them away. I'm talking about my own experience, here, not anyone else's. :cool:

    A couple things the good girl police don't tell you.

    One. Trying to please others all the time is an exercise in frustration. There'll always be something else that they want you to do. Families, especially, are good at this, since they really do want what they see as best for you. They know the most about you, and you care about how they feel.

    Two. If you bow to their prferences, you are the one who lives with the outcome, good or bad. I learned that the hard way. If you decide for yourself, regardless of the outcome, it honestly feels better.

    In your case, for example, lynn. Scenario -- you end up dating and perhaps marrying a guy your Mom approves, but you're ambivalent about. Things might go well or badly. Probably about a fifty-fifty chance, given the current divorce statstics. But, either way, you marry the guy you didn't choose. Guess who'll be listening to him snore, having his babies and washing his dirty socks? Not your Mom.

    Yes. I know different cultures are different, so what I'm suggesting may be very, very difficult. But the stakes are pretty high, here. You're worth sticking up for. Honest. Try to stick up for yourself, if you can. :hugs:
  12. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    :applause: :notworth: :notworth:
  13. Sabor

    Sabor New Member

    bad idea.. if it don't come natural .. it ain't cool with me
  14. skwiggy

    skwiggy Well-Known Member

    Pygmalion, this is a very very wise post. I'm still undergoing this transition myself, and I'm really enjoying the results of my progress. I'm looking at it from the standpoint of making things happen, instead of watching my life as a spectator. Going after what I want, openly and honestly, and not accepting the things I don't want. It's truly liberating.

    I'm not 100% there yet, but at least I can see the light approaching. I strive to be where it sounds like you are.
  15. lynn

    lynn New Member

    Pygmalion, you're absolutely right by saying that being passive is a lifelong habit - it's not as easy as waking up one morning and deciding to give myself a makeover. It's esp hard when you're raised like a 17th Century woman with the expectation of being obedient but at the same time asked to have the ambition of a 21st century woman when it comes to career. And we think men have it hard :lol:!!
  16. lynn

    lynn New Member

    You're right, eventhough I try to be impartial, it is still difficult to see him as anything other than "mom's friend". But the biggest thing that bugged me was how I was expected to entertain people through blind dates. I don't have any problem chatting with strangers but it does get tiring after 20 min. especially given the awkward atmosphere. That's perhaps one of my biggest weakness - that I prefer people who I can have a conversation with and not me yapping away all night long ;) .
  17. Shooshoo

    Shooshoo New Member

    Since you're uncomfortable in blind dates, don't do you it. Try to meet people in other methods, e.g. do an activity you like so maybe you meet like-minded people in a natural setting.

    And if the opportunity arises for a blind date, don't go on with a group of people. I think the best set-up for blind dates is either you go alone or if your friends try to set you up in big party with many people so you can have a side-conversation.

    As long as your not comfortable, you find difficulty in showing your true self.
  18. lynn

    lynn New Member

    Got off another not-so-fun blind date last weekend (probably the last one i'll EVER go to!) but something bugs me. Eventhough it was just me and the other person, mom's friend (the matchmaker) called to check on the "progress" and was shocked to hear that i wore runners. I was pretty much given a speech on how I should dress when going on blind dates. Now my question is this, I've always avoided blind date dinners b/c I don't like the formality (not to mention the awkwardness if the guy insists on paying for my dinner and I know there would not be date #2), but I've always dressed according to the occassion. I guess the bottom line is, every woman can look glamorous with full make up and a nice dress but I don't like to impress guys with "looks" - am i just being too snobby? Isn't that every woman's dilemma? I want the guy to like me not b/c of my looks :lol:!!
  19. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Hmm. Dare I say it? I disagree, lynn. True, in workable relationship, the guy should like you because of who you are inside, I think. But a first date is a lot different from a workable relationship. And people are visual, guys especially so.

    What's that statistic about how many seconds it takes to make a first impression? I can't remember, but I know it's a very short time -- well less than a minute. I wouldn't want anyone, blind date or otherwise, to form a first impression of me when I've dressed down -- less than my best.

    No. I don't think you should necessarily dress to the nines just because it's a date. But I'd never, ever wear sneakers on a dinner date, even if it was a blind date that was being forced down my throat. If I didn't want to go, I'd stay home. If it was a date to go bowling or jogging or go to the state fair, for example, I'd wear some cute, sporty, casual shoes or runners that were suitable for the occasion. I guess that's the key for me -- try to dress to fit whatever the date is.

    I wouldn't dress down, unless I was trying to scare the guy away. Hmm. :eyebrow:
  20. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    sheesh lynnn...gotta say I am with P on this...if you dont wanna go, don't go...but for goodness sakes ya gotta have alittle fun here man....dont ya want him in stuff that makes him look his best and smellin nice doesnt hurt either....heck thats the fun part....honestly if you are feeling that forced...dont do it...and hey save your money if he wants to pay...why not?

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