Salsa > Question for the ladies

Discussion in 'Salsa' started by BugBear, Mar 21, 2006.

  1. BugBear

    BugBear New Member

    How do you feel about asking guys to dance?

    I brought up that topic around here and I... Well I should say that I proposed a party, at which the initiative is given to the ladies and they ask leads for a dance. Most of the ladies around here said that they feel really uncomfortable about that, and if they ever ask someone to dance it is usually someone they know very well. There were even comments like - "where is this world going to... first ladies start asking you to dance, then asking you out on dates, and we'll end up earning the money and you staying at home watching the kids". One of the guys even said something that I interpreted as - We're men so we shouldn't be asked to dance. I was wondering what is your oppinion on the matter?
    Just for the record - It feels soooooo nice when a lady asks me to dance..... :rolleyes:
  2. alemana

    alemana New Member

    i always ask. most guys love to be asked, a very few control-freak/narcissist types (amongst dancers, WHO KNEW) don't like it.
  3. alemana

    alemana New Member

    i recently was *physically chased* by a man who i've been wanting to dance with for a long time (very advanced, one of the best in new york) but now that we are 'regular' partners, i had the nerve to ask him. guess what? he didn't like it.

  4. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    tra la li de la la
  5. AzureDreamer

    AzureDreamer New Member


    Outside of a couple very specific situations (like in a dance studio, a class situation, or a close friend) I don't think its appropriate for a girl to ask a guy to dance.

    I think saying something like "I'd really like it if we could dance sometime" or "I love the way you dance, I wish you would ask me to dance later..." is the appropriate thing to say. If you really want to make an impression, put a hand on his arm or back when you say it (use that sparingly though.)

    (This isn't true just of dancing... its applicable to most of life. Never ask him; express what you want and make him ask you.)
  6. Sabor

    Sabor New Member

    sounds right to me
  7. Ismile2you

    Ismile2you New Member

    I think, we lady's can do two things:
    Wait till someone will ask.. be wallflower or hope you like the taste..
    Check the dancefloor and ask the man who sure will be able to enjoy you.....

    if that's not girl-like... i don;t mind to act like a man.. ;)
  8. alemana

    alemana New Member

    "i wish you would ask me to dance"? omg that is too funny. " i wish things would happen to me because being a girl and all i can't make them happen myself." "i wish i had vocal cords and a brain so i could formulate questions to you but since i don't i will stand here mutely."
  9. Pootz

    Pootz New Member

    I'm a guy so I don't know how it is to ask a guy to dance, but I do know how it feels to be asked for a dance by a girl. My theory is that we guys all are fragile creatures behind our masks of cool salseros, and we all are hungry for confirmation. Is there any better confirmation than when a girl wants to dance with you?

    By the way I don't have a problem with my wife earning money either.

    Is this a cultural thing? I think so! I find it very odd when you say that it is inappropriate for a girl to ask a guy for a dance, I don't think anyone would even notice this as strange in a club here in Sweden.
  10. skwiggy

    skwiggy Well-Known Member

    I'm with alemana on this one. If it were still 1955, my opinion on the matter might be different. ;)

    Don't get me wrong, I like to be treated like a lady. I'm not a hard core feminist. But I do think the easiest way to get what you want is to ask for it.

    In my experience, men like it when women tell them exactly what they want anyway, and don't hint around about it making them guess. They appreciate it when we make things easy for them, both by taking the pressure off of them for having to ask, and by making it crystal clear that we want to dance with them.

    So if I want to dance with a man, "would you like to dance?" seems like the best way to make it happen.
  11. delamusica

    delamusica Active Member

    Yup - definitely with you on this one.

    At the same time, though, I do like to be asked - seems more chivalrous.

    I usually find that if I give a guy the right look, he'll come on over all by himself. But if he doesn't catch on, then sure - I'll walk over and do the asking. :)
  12. africana

    africana New Member

    OH GOD I can't believe what I just read (tsk tsk @ men like azure...)
    I ask without shame, it's more efficient but sometimes I'll let the men ask, and the reason could be good or bad haha!
    Simply if the guy isn't at a preferred level I let him do the asking - unless there's a huge scarcity and the music sucks, when the music is really great I might rather dance alone

    Also if the guy is over-confident, popular with the ladies or if I'm smitten :p I generally let him do the asking, that evens out the playing field. I know one pro dancer (who's even been on TV dance shows) that I do this with

    I won't make stupid airhead suggestions to get guys to ask me, or stand around them wasting time, but I will use body language and 'showing off' on the dance floor to get their attention ;) I will go ask someone else instead of them

    So I ask a lot but truthfully there's a hierarchy to my asking

    -70-100% of the time I'll ask ONLY the best. Why? Because they are constantly in demand with other followers. And If I'm gonna be dancing to a great song it has to be someone who can feel it, feel me, so it's gotta be the best

    -I will ask mid-level guys, but only in case of a scarcity or if they're my friends. However, I never say no (as long as all other criteria are satisfied: not off beat, not rough/controlling, not smelly...etc)

    -I will ask beginners that I think have potential

    In the last two cases it's usually guys who seem intimidated, are always watching me but not asking, I don't hesitate to ask them.

    - I also LOVE asking new unfamilar faces cos you never know...
  13. la morena

    la morena New Member

    The fact is that on many salsa scenes (including mine) there are more women than men, sometimes a lot more. For a humble improver (como yo), it means that we have to ask in order to get a dance, especially with a guy who is going to challenge us (i.e. who is better than us). Otherwise, these guys will only ask the advanced follows as they are spoilt for choice. And I am so much more likely to dance with them if I ask rather than wait. That's the only way to improve in order to become a 'desirable' follower.
    I haven't received a negative reply yet.
    But I prefer to be asked (and never say no to that either - I love dancing with all levels of leader!)
  14. Twilight_Elena

    Twilight_Elena Well-Known Member

    Woah. Where's the car, Doc, cause I think we're transferred around my grandma's time...

    Twilight Elena
  15. It's Wonderful

    It's Wonderful New Member

    Ditto! The right look is all you need... and if he's a little thick, throw him a bone and help out by asking. Every guy I've talked to about this says he luuurves being asked.
  16. africana

    africana New Member

    oh boy i just noticed i said I "let the guy" ask me
    It's soooo true! because if I don't won't to be asked by certain guys I have my ways of not letting it happen. bcos I don't like to say no but I don't always want to be asked by anyone either (I know I suck :rolleyes: )

    but how's that for control?? lol
  17. When I was 20 (a long time ago) I asked guys to dance (social ballroom dancing). There were not too many dancers around then. After I got a few rejections, I gave it up, not because I wanted to but because I have my pride, too.

    Later, I only went out to dance places that had ladies' night and I could ask guys to dance all night and had a blast!

    During my salsa days as a single person I asked guys from time to time, but only if I knew them well. My experience is that many guys, once they (think they) can dance, become very stuck-up and don't like women to ask them. THEY want to be in charge. It is an ego thing. At least that was my experience in Germany. It might depend on the country.

    It is usually not a problem when you are in your local salsa scene and everybody knows you. But when you go to other places and nobody knows you, it can happen that nobody asks you to dance.

    Now I am so fortunate to always go out with my husband (who is a great dancer) and I am not depending on other guys' "mercy" anymore to ask me to dance.

    I have never liked this arrangement, always thought it is unfair to us and always envied you guys for your asking privilege. Believe me, I would have no problem with asking guys. I would prefer the rules to change so that we women are "officially entitled" to ask guys to dance. Well, we would get some rejections, too, but so what? We would just go and ask someone else. At least we could dance from beginning to end and would not have to sit or stand around and depend on guys asking us.
  18. Sabor

    Sabor New Member

    well.. i agree that Azure didn't make the best choice of words there.. but i kinda looked passed that to the general point i thought he was making.. which is basically.. if possible.. or if u have a choice.. the lady is better off to indicate (in whatever words or gesture she may choose and/or feel commfortable with) rather than ask straight out..

    as to why i think that this is better.. well, that maybe a long complicated story that i'll pass relating on for now.. that has to do with the male psyche.. but it still don't mean that a man wold not respond well to a woman asking and appreciate the dance.. it was just preference..

    anyway.. it was an opinion.. DEFINITELY no need to be abrasively sarcastic with the reply
  19. RugKutta

    RugKutta New Member

    I think you do make a valid point here; I'm beginning to understand more and more that women want to be sought after/chased/pursued, etc, but let's be real for a sec....imagine how many more dances you'd get on any given night if you are just direct w/ a guy and plainly state what you want instead of dropping hints or implying things? Think about COULD take the approach you mentioned earlier, but now you have to wait around (I assume if you had to take this approach, you've already been waiting long enough as it is) for him to come and actually ask you, whereas if you just come out and say "would you like to dance with me?", all you have to do is wait no more than 5 seconds (I'm being generous w/ the time window) for a "yes" or "no"....W/ in 5 sec., you're either on the floor dancing or waiting for another guy to ask you. And if the the latter happens, you're no worse off than you were before. Speeds up the process, doesn't it?

    Seriously, like I said I understand the whole pursuit/chase thing, but this is dancing, not dating. I don't think it's that serious. And as was said by someone else earlier, MOST guys are flattered by a woman asking them to dance and appreciate it very much. It's like a confirmation of sorts. On the rare occasions that I'm asked to dance, It makes my night. Plus it kinda lets me know "hey, I must be doing SOMETHING right, eh?" But on the flip side, there are those over-chivalrous, narcissistic, arrogant types who don't like to be asked, but don't let that deter you from the rest of us who happen to like it.

    El amor, la paz, y SALSA

  20. alemana

    alemana New Member

    opinion = "i don't like it when girls ask me to dance. as a guy it is not my preference."

    what was actually said = "it's not appropriate for girls to ask guys." that's not an opinion - that's a generalization (the mistake of thinking that the personal is actually universal and guided by some Big Cosmic Rule Often Pertaining to Gender. AKA, intellectual laziness.)


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