Tango Argentino > Rejections

Discussion in 'Tango Argentino' started by wadpro, Oct 4, 2009.

  1. Heather2007

    Heather2007 New Member

    ...yep, and that's the only word we should be feeling - a tad disappointed.

    (your daughter has you sussed mate. Deffo)
  2. vade mecum

    vade mecum New Member

    I'm a new poster to the forum. Here’s where I am with this topic.. . I’m a leader in the US with 5 years experience; cabaceo not used in our community. I have a regular partner but I ask newcomers frequently. I’ve never turned down anyone, but I don’t get asked every evening. Once in a while I will ask more of a higher-tiered dancer, but only if I’m lifted in confidence by some lovely tune, and never when she is in a discussion that has the earmarks of anything significant (animated gestures, knees turned toward the other person, etc).

    Here’s the thing—rudeness in turning me down will redound to us never dancing in a milonga again. I will dance with beginners who can’t cortada an ocho if their foot was blocked with a backhoe before I will dance with someone who was errantly rude to me at a social outing. What’s rude, in my view? Two examples: waving me off with the back of your hand and saying “No, I’m fine” before I ask or whipping your head around with a sudden interest in the back wall as I walk in front of the all-seeing crowd to ask you . This is social. A milonga is social. We are supposed to be on good behavior. I am! Leave me with something cozy, warm or hopeful. A 'no' can be any or all of these. If you don't leaven a public rejection with a little bud of 'but thank you' you are not warm enough for this dance with me.

    Thanks for the forum,

    vade mecum 'go with me'
  3. Chris Stratton

    Chris Stratton New Member

    Rather, it is not used by you. You can not know if others are using it more subtly, especially as its not uncommonly followed up (in nontraditional settings) by a verbal invitation to which the answer has already been non-verbally agreed.

    If you were more subtle and less obviously deliberate, these rude felling rejections could often also be more subtle forms of disinterest.

    For the second case, just keep walking as if she were not your target and it was entirely her self inflated presumption to think she was; -)
  4. bordertangoman

    bordertangoman Well-Known Member

    I read this book; that rather than reason with children you empathise with their feelings and validate; eg; you have every right to feel angry/disappointed upset that I'm not going to buy you that pink (whatever is happens to be) and validate them and just let them get over it.
    Dont: offer them minor consolations

    ( of course one inevitably does whatever works)
  5. Captain Jep

    Captain Jep New Member

    Where did all this come from? :confused:

    Im sure with 5 years experience he will know all about the cabaceo. And how to weather rejections.

    I agree, vade mecum. I also expect my partner to have the right "attitude" for the dance. And that sort of rudeness makes my heart sink.

    Its just the same as when you invite someone to dance and then even before you start dancing you wish you hadnt. They're offhand to you or you feel like somehow you've forced them into dancing. In those circumstances you hardly ever have a good dance. So why get involved with them in the first place?
  6. Chris Stratton

    Chris Stratton New Member

    All of which are potential reasons these ladies could have decided not to dance, and sought to avoid getting to the point where they would have to reject an explicit invitation.

    you must remember to leave people an easy escape.
  7. Chris Stratton

    Chris Stratton New Member

    Which is precisely why you must remember to leave your quarry a painless escape.
  8. vade mecum

    vade mecum New Member

    That's pretty correct, Chris (sorry, I'll learn how to properly pull quotes momentarily). I should have left one of them--for sure the one that looked away at 5 feet and closing) an escape. The reel of that movie goes playing through my head and I should have kept walking and tried to figure out later why this was happening. I went 'all in.' I still won't ask her again.

    I actually could stand to weather rejections better, after 5 years too. Captain Jep hits on that other salient bit of sorrow too when he mentions taking the risk and regretting it right away--nor from lack of ability but lack of verve, spark, and again warmth. I think the first 20 seconds, the actual salida to the floor, are very telling.
  9. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    edit to add: after posting the below, i realized that my comments are not based on experience in the AT community, which i know is a different beast when it comes to choosing partners, due to the intimate nature of the dance. so...my comments may be competely irrelevant...

    dang... if you haven't already conveyed your ability to harm me in some way, i'm gonna say yes. i refuse to make this more complicated than Ask-Dance-Or Don't Dance.

    am trying to think when i've been rejected... can't remember a time, unless it's because they were already promised to someone else. but who cares if i'm rejected? i don't...whatever....move on. maybe i don't get rejected because i don't load my asking with a host of rules and conditions? maybe i don't get rejected because i pay attention to who's receptive and don't invade someone who's not?

    i really do think this becomes much ado about nothing only in the minds of dancers who are inclined to create some personal drama for themselves out of their own inner complications.

    "don't worry, be happy" goes a long way in the social dancing world...
  10. Madahlia

    Madahlia Member

    I can't quite see how using the cabaceo would answer the question of whether people get upset or rejected in BsAs. It seems likely to me that they do get upset by rejection, but the system enables the offer and the rejection to be hidden, thus saving face. That might make it a bit less humiliating but would surely still be felt as an opportunity denied. It just seems to me that personal feelings have to be ignored or swept under the carpet by the cabeceo system.

    So, have you ever known of a friend or aqcuaintance to be upset by a discreet rejection in BsAs? Is it talked of between friends, as it certainly would be at a UK milonga?
  11. Zoopsia59

    Zoopsia59 Well-Known Member

    Maybe you don't get rejected because, as a Dance Deity, you are the one sought after for dances, and partners count themselves lucky to get to dance with you! ;)
  12. jantango

    jantango Active Member

    It's like life. You have to learn to let things roll off your back and not take it personally, because it isn't personal. You don't always get what you want when you want it in life, and it's the same in the milongas. Patience is a lesson to be learned.
  13. Ampster

    Ampster Active Member

    Yes! So very true.
  14. Lilly_of_the_valley

    Lilly_of_the_valley Well-Known Member

    I wonder, anybody else considers avoiding the eye contact with a person who you don't want to dance with, rude? Because, seriously, that is the first time I hear such a feedback.
    I thought, it would be the contrary, because it sends a clear signal, allows both parties not to be put on the spot and save their faces.
  15. bordertangoman

    bordertangoman Well-Known Member

    of course one should take a good book and a discreet bottle of Laphroaig Rejection Remedy
  16. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    LOL... oh, to be so lucky... LOL
  17. vade mecum

    vade mecum New Member

  18. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    welcome to DF, vade mecum!

    (fwiw, vademecum is my fave fluoride-free toothpaste from sweden... :D)
  19. Lilly_of_the_valley

    Lilly_of_the_valley Well-Known Member

    Says who?
    Perhaps, it's not like they meant to be rude, but the other instructor they are going to suddenly started teaching codigos...;)
  20. vade mecum

    vade mecum New Member

    Ha, interesting. My Latin derivatives teacher just told me it was a cool way to refer to a pocket reference guide or something.

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