Tango Argentino > Rejections

Discussion in 'Tango Argentino' started by wadpro, Oct 4, 2009.

  1. Larinda McRaven

    Larinda McRaven Site Moderator Staff Member

    (You were able to quote my post before I had time to correct the absence of the words "fail to". No bother there though.)

    In his original post he did not ask "Am I wrong?" He asked "Am I right?" So there is a clear bias in his mind and he was looking for validation. Of which he did not receive. If he chooses to learn from the responses here that is only up to him. Or perhaps he will be staunch in his initial reaction that she was out of line. Who knows. No one but him.

    "Baying for blood" were not my words. I forget where that come in. My only point to make was that regardless of the social norms of my house vs your house... his initial reaction was quite normal and not really all that much of a cause for alarm or distress that it illicited. I may not agree with his response (or hers). But I would not condemn him for giving it. Surely we all have reacted spiteful when we felt rebuffed.
     
  2. bordertangoman

    bordertangoman Well-Known Member

    I remember watching a programme about child development. Around about three years old you need to be able to say thank you for something that you are really disappointed to receive. This is called socially well adjusted or at least not being able to do it is regarded as socially ill adjusted.

    Heather; I would regard rejection as either a judgement of an observation, but the feelings that accompany it are another matter.

    Of course there are strategic follwers; one friend wont dance with beginners at the start of the evening since this will make her look bad in the eyes of of other good leaders, but once she's had some opportunity to show how good she is by being very selective about who she dances with, she doesnt mind having the odd dance with a beginner.
     
  3. Larinda McRaven

    Larinda McRaven Site Moderator Staff Member

    or domestication...
     
  4. Zoopsia59

    Zoopsia59 Well-Known Member

    This thread seems to have become more about whether responses were valid and less to do with the Op's issue.

    It seems to me that since this incident happened months ago and he is asking about it now, that there has probably been some long term ramification or fallout. Although he didn't specifically mention any or ask what to do about it, I feel that there may be an underlying (perhaps subconscious) motive on his part to understand why it still seems to "hang in the air" when he goes out dancing.

    I am interpreting, but I think if she delayed her dance, and then he responded as he did and used a "no hard feelings" attitude, the whole thing would have blown over by now. There is SOME reason why this is still an issue for him, and I am wondering why. If there has been no fallout, why bother to bring this up? The lack of resulting problems would pretty much answer the question wouldn't it?

    My guess (and yes... I'm just guessing) is that there is more going on than recalling an incident from months ago and being curious about the proper codes. I'm guessing that there is something happening in the present based on this incident from months ago, and that is the reason he is seeking feedback (or validation) of his view of the incident.

    Its totally up to him of course, but maybe if he fills us in on what's going on, we can actually come up with productive comments.

    Judging from the replies he has gotten to his original question just from people READING, not having the remarks directed AT them at a dance, the woman in the incident also very likely took offense and would also (judging strictly from my own experience with tango followers, mind you) have told her version of the story to all the other women whose ear she could get for 5 minutes.... or at least her closer friends.

    Whether or not WE are being too harsh, that is the simple truth of a probable outcome in his OWN real life world. IF this has not occurred, and there has been no problem, then it really doesn't matter does it? But I'm guessing that he is posting because there IS an ongoing issue now and I feel his best course of action in that case would be to eat some humble pie and take the initiative to make amends.
     
  5. Dave Bailey

    Dave Bailey New Member

    Cor, I've got a great idea for a new article now :D
     
  6. Dave Bailey

    Dave Bailey New Member

    My typical response is, whenever I see a group of people all agreeing, to put in a contrary viewpoint.

    Partly because I'm funny that way (!), but mostly because this is a discussion forum, not some hippy poetry-reading commune. Or lynch mob, for that matter.

    And this is a good thread, interesting reading, so I'm glad it was started.
     
  7. Ampster

    Ampster Active Member

    You were wrong, and that was very rude and impudent of you.

    In the AT world, no one is obligated to dance. When someone says no, move on. The reason she gave is common, sincere, and totally appropriate. She doesn't even need to give a reason. Get over it. Get used to it. Its not personal.

    A milonga is for people who want to dance AT, and to mingle with friends. She made good her promise and came back for you, did she not?

    By insulting her, after she made good her promise. What you have done, is that you have succeeded in giving yourself a "Reputation." Tango communities are small and very close knit. People will now know of your actions, and you will be remembered for that for a very long time to come.
     
  8. Dave Bailey

    Dave Bailey New Member

    That's OK, you're entitled to your opinion, clearly wrong though it is :p

    Yeah, it's never quite that simple.

    I just wanted to remind people that behaviour is largely subjective. Is a group of mates a clique? It depends whether you're on the inside or the outside. Is behaviour rude? It depends on your expectations and on who you ask.
     
  9. CANI

    CANI Active Member

    :D This is the only thread I've read with your comments, that I recall, and I definitely see the funny.
     
  10. Dave Bailey

    Dave Bailey New Member

    I could :)

    Of course he had a right to be upset. He feels what he feels. We all do. Saying "Oh don't be upset" to someone who is upset is silly - it never works, does it?

    He also had a perfect right to refuse a dance afterwards, and I'd argue he was correct to do so if he was still upset. Who wants to dance with someone who's angry at you?


    Yes, exactly.

    And seriously, us lot all nagging him to say "You're An Evil Person" - do you think that's helping to develop a productive attitude? Would that work on you? It sure as hell wouldn't work on me.

    Yeah, basically.

    However, really, all we're saying is "Don't refuse someone rudely".

    Well, duh.
     
  11. Dave Bailey

    Dave Bailey New Member

    I'm going to call you Bay City Roller from now on, nerr :p
     
  12. Heather2007

    Heather2007 New Member

    Hmm..interesting! But I think I'd rather bring my child up (no matter what) to be good and honest rather than a good hypocrite.

    I'll quote my father: see people as good not as god. So yup, never fell into this type of folly. And so I only care how I perform, or look or work in the eyes of those that pay me.
     
  13. dchester

    dchester Moderator Staff Member

    In my opinion, you were very wrong. The fact that she came over and asked you to dance, proved that she was not rejecting you, but rather she really was involved in a conversation that was important to her.

    It's not my intention to be disrespectful, but I don't know how else to say it. Your actions came across as being rather lame and petty, and IMO you owe her an apology for your rudeness.

    Sorry, but that's how I see it.
     
  14. Zoopsia59

    Zoopsia59 Well-Known Member

    Its not? In my example, I felt ashamed of my bad reaction to what I still think was his own innapropriate attitude and as soon as I cooled off, I sent him an apology. (which as it turned out, was exactly what he did as well)

    Very simple... not at all complicated.

    Hold yourself accountable and take responsibility for messes you make or add to. Its actually pretty damn simple. (not EASY, mind you, but truly quite simple)
     
  15. Zoopsia59

    Zoopsia59 Well-Known Member

    :p back at'cha!

    :kissme:
     
  16. flashdance

    flashdance Active Member

    A man dressed as a vampire walks into a bar and spots two beautiful women chatting away.
    He interrupts and asks one of them if they wish to dance with him..
    The lady asks what kind of dance he does.
    "Fang Tango" :doh:
     
  17. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    based on my non-milonga dance experience, your response strikes me as extremely ungracious, and if you had retorted in that manner to me, i wouldn't be inclined to dance with you in the future. just too peevish & petulant an air... especially with AT, personally i wouldn't want to get close to that sort of attitude for the length of a tanda.

    social dancing IME is a place for enjoyment, graciousness, and social sensitivity. who cares if someone feels the need to chat for some reason rather than dance. people's lives don't stop just because they're attending a social...
     
  18. Ampster

    Ampster Active Member

    wadpro, just in case you missed it:

    You were wrong, and that was very rude and impudent of you.

    In the AT world, no one is obligated to dance. When someone says no, move on. The reason she gave is common, sincere, and totally appropriate. She doesn't even need to give a reason. Get over it. Get used to it. Its not personal.

    A milonga is for people who want to dance AT, and to mingle with friends. She made good her promise and came back for you, did she not?

    By insulting her, after she made good her promise. What you have done, is that you have succeeded in giving yourself a "Reputation." Tango communities are small and very close knit. People will now know of your actions, and you will be remembered for that for a very long time to come. You just vilified yourself.
     
  19. Sylph

    Sylph New Member

    WOW!!! I can't believe the debate that this post has sparked! Very interesting! It has also provided me with some insight into all the different personalities that we have here on DF. This is what makes this forum so interesting and ADDICTIVE.

    Anyway, back to WP. I suppose there are always 2 sides to every story. And then there is the truth... I wonder if WP is reading the posts? It would be most interesting to hear his input/response at this stage - stand up and be counted!
     
  20. CANI

    CANI Active Member

    Hi Ampster -- Just curious...is this real or meant to be dramatic for effect?...one situation and vilified...is that common in all of AT (bearing in mind I have no experience whatsoever with AT, so I know nothing on the subject)?
     

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