General Dance Discussion > Rejections

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by huey, Feb 6, 2005.

  1. huey

    huey New Member

    My Lindy Hop dancing is improving and so is my confidence, but I still have something of a problem with rejections. On a typical social dance night, I guess that I dance with between 10 and 20 women, and I probably get 1 or 2 rejections. It's hard to get the rejections out of my head.

    A few recent examples:
    • 1. Girl (sitting on her own) looked down to one side and silently shook her head and waved me away when I started to ask her.

      2. Woman was talking to a female friend, and after I approached her to ask for a dance, said 'no, not at the moment'
    When I talk to my male dancing friends, they seem a bit surprised that I get this number of rejections.

    I try to not to dwell on the rejecters too much, and concentrate on the majority of women who are happy to dance with me. But it still bothers me. :( Firstly, that they don't want to dance with me. Secondly, that it is harder to ask another girl if her friend has already said no.

    I would be interested in any views, especially from leaders who may have encountered anything similar. :?
  2. youngsta

    youngsta Active Member

    I don't know what to tell you. I think it used to bother me somewhat, but these days I just smile and move on. I mean 9 times out of 10 they're not rejecting YOU it's just bad timing (tired, in conversation, etc.)
  3. delamusica

    delamusica Active Member

    youngsta has a good point. Last time I went dancing I turned down two leads I had wanted to dance with all night, just because I honestly needed a break. If most women are dancing with you, then the rejections are more than likely just bad timing. Either way it sounds like there are plenty of women who will dance with you, so enjoy yourself with them!
  4. ReneeJoan

    ReneeJoan New Member

    Dear Huey:

    I know this is incredibly trite, but don't take the rejections personally. Some people just plain have bad manners, and I am always astounded to see how rude and unkind people can be, especially women toward men who are doing something that is (admittedly) really tough -- doing the asking. When this happens, remember -- it's their problem, not yours. You did nothing wrong by issuing the invitation, and if they don't have enough class to respond with grace, then it's their problem, not yours. I speak from experience on this, and sure, it slices, but as Sagitta so "sagely" put it, how they behave shows you what kind of person they are. How you respond show what kind of person you are. Respond with grace and class, as I am sure you are a gracious, classy guy.

    Also, remember that there are legitimate reasons to refuse, and give the lady the benefit of the doubt. She may not be feeling well (I just met a lady this weekend who wasn't dancing because she recently broke her foot), they may be tired from a previous dance, she may have a date who's stepped away for a moment and her own personal "code of ethics" says she "owes" her dances to him for the evening. She may be intimidated by your level of skill (even though you may be a beginner, there's always someone greener than you). She may have already promised this particular dance to another.

    But she may just be in a bad mood, or be a really declasse rude person.

    Anyway, just move to the next lady. Also, it helps to work up some funny lines -- "Do you have room for me on your dance card?" "Do you have the energy for another salsa?" "Can I tear you away from this extremely interesting philosophical discussion for a humble foxtrot?" Be creative, or get a writer friend to help you. Funny goes a long way. Funny opens a lot of doors.

    Lastly, if over 90% of your invitations are being accepted, then you are doing WAY better than me. I'm lucky if 2/3 of my "pounces" result in a dance! :lol:

  5. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    I think that 9/10 isn't bad at all. :)
  6. tacad

    tacad New Member

    I agree. 9 out of 10 is good! It really doesn't mean anything.
  7. clave

    clave New Member

    Only 1 out of 10? I can think of maybe two places total where I get nine out of ten dances. You're lucky, it must be a very friendly scene.
  8. tacad

    tacad New Member

    Lindy isn't salsa. :wink:
  9. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    I still report the same stats for both dances and I don't know lindy. :p :)
  10. Chris Stratton

    Chris Stratton New Member

    Your description hasn't included any evidence to suggest that either of these non-acceptances has ANYTHING to do with you at all. It really looks more like a simple demonstration of that the fact that not everyone who is at a social dance feels like dancing all of the time. That's not rejection.

    I'd also point out that people who are looking kind of withdrawn and people who are talking to others are two categories who are least likely to accept an invitation. (The withdrawn case can be kind of unpredictable depending on the underlying reasons - someone who is a close friend may have better luck drawing them out than a stranger would)

    If rejections really get to you, the safest thing is to not ask anyone until (unless) you have first made eye contact with them. If you do that, you will probably already know what they are going to say.
  11. tacad

    tacad New Member

    Yes, but who could resist your moo moo faces? :wink:
  12. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    I freely admit I have very thick skin, but I just consider an occasional rejection part of the deal. I mean a real, "I wouldn't dance with you if you sprouted wings," kind of rejection. LOL. They happen, sometimes. :?

    When I first started dancing, I'd always either dance in the safety of the studio, or go out with a bunch of friends. That way, rejection was minimized, at least at first, while I got my dance self-confidence (and thick skin) in place. :)
  13. BettyB

    BettyB New Member

    As a follow on the same scene as you maybe i can help by letting you know the reasons i woud turn down a dance?

    1. (this is kinda embarassing) Im a sweaty kinda gal....therefore i rarely do two dances in a row, I will try and avoid eye contact or move from the edge of the dance floor when im not looking for a dance, sometimes i get caught out tho!

    2. Im genuinely in conversation with someone....the lindy scene is not just about dancing, but socialising too!

    3. When i was a newbie i was genuinely terrified to dance with someone i hadnt danced with in a class. I would hide, make up excuses or push a friend up instead of me. I am no longer scared to dance with anyone, but i have friends who are newbies and sometimes i will refuse a dance to stay and babysit them (i am learning to lead specifically to get new female friends more confident on the social floor)

    I have ony ever turned down a dance once due to specific issues with a certain lead. danced with this guy once and he genuinely caused me pain with his arm only leads (he wrenched my shoulder and i had to go home early i was in so much pain) i told this man the truth, that i found his style a litte rough and would prefer not to dance with him again.

    I really wouldnt stress over the rejections, as i am sure they are not personal!

    Although, personally, i do try not to say an outright no, but instead suggest a dance later on!
  14. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Yes. I agree. Rejections do usually feel a lot more personal on the receiving end than they are intended on the giving end... which is why a little work on tact and communication skills is always a good thing.

    Meaning, how do you say a necessary no without making the asker feel bad? Not easy. :?
  15. huey

    huey New Member

    That's the problem though. Frequently I don't think it is the timing, and I feel they ARE rejecting me. If I see a girl dancing with someone else shortly after turning me down, the only conclusion I can come to is that they didn't want to dance with ME. :evil: It's hard to accept, but the fact seems to be that some girls don't want to dance with me ... :cry: And it's worse when they are people I've danced with before.

    Anyway, I'm going to change my strategy. At dances, I'll aim for the girls I think will say yes and avoid the ones I think might say no.

    At the same time, I'll JUST TALK to some of the girls who have rejected me. Not about why they turned me down. Just general friendly chat. If I can talk to them, then I think the dance rejection won't matter so much.
  16. Sabor

    Sabor New Member

    of course u know it happens to literally everybody Huey.. i get bothered when it happens to me too.. but, i also am aware that no matter what.. u can't be 'pleasing' to everyone.. sometimes the chemistry just dont click and u cant really put a finger on the 'why?' .. so, i dont let it affect me negatively.. but.. sure as muffins, i'll rock on without a backward glance.. and i'll remeber the lady who said 'no' for no 'satisfactory' reason that i could fathom.. and perhaps return the favor someday.. it happened b4 so.. :wink:
  17. bordertangoman

    bordertangoman Well-Known Member

    If she says no once, its normal
    if she says no twice its unfortunate
    if she says no three times; then she's dead in the water. I don't have time for people like that and one person comes to mind; she was really friendly when she was a beginner, now she thinks she knows how to dance, she's turned me down once to often so I wouldn't dance with her even if she begged.. :twisted:
  18. Joe

    Joe Well-Known Member

    Well, personally, I probably wouldn't dance with someone who sprouted wings. :) I think wings would be hard to dance with.

    Huey, Girl #2 didn't reject you, she rejected that dance. She was busy talking to a girlfriend and not interested in dancing at that time.
  19. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Yeah. Might get in the way of maintaining your frame. :wink: :lol:
  20. heartgrl2k

    heartgrl2k New Member

    Your change in strategy sounds good. How about this too? Instead of worrying about who you haven't danced with and why, why not instead focus on how to make each dance you do as fun as possible for your partner? That will focus your mind back on where it should be, and who knows, YOU might even get asked to dance by someone who formerly 'rejected' you!

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