General Dance Discussion > Rejections

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by huey, Feb 6, 2005.

  1. DancePoet

    DancePoet Well-Known Member

    BTM and Vince's replies occured to me when I first read this. I'd say it's not polite to turn down one request and then immediately accept the next one during the same song. You are asking for trouble.

    And what do you do regarding the second request? Explain to the guy you just turned another person down and you would feel bad if you accepted his invite, but if you ask me later I'll be happy to then.
  2. DancePoet

    DancePoet Well-Known Member

    I am very thankful for all the followers that put up with my newness at the very beginning. I see some follows going through this now with aome of the new guys on the floor, and I encourage them to continue letting these new leads practice.

    MacMoto's understanding of this is right on! :D
  3. DancePoet

    DancePoet Well-Known Member

    :shock: :lol: I've seen it happen, and it has happened to me, too.
  4. DancePoet

    DancePoet Well-Known Member

    I believe the teacher would understand and respect your rejection, and likely come back later, particularly if you invited the teacher to do such.
  5. Pebbles

    Pebbles New Member

    From what I've seen, it happens quite often. It certainly doesn't feel good to be the "random guy", but unfortunately the only solution for the guy is to stop being offended by the rejection and move on. If you look at it from the lady's prospective, not too many of them would want to miss out on their best dance of the evening. If the etiquette requires them to sit out just because they turned down someone else earlier, well you can guess how much chance the etiquette has. Some ladies would ask the people they turned down earlier to dance, and in my mind that makes up for any perceived etiquette breach.

    As for the ladies who only want to dance with the best leaders, I put them in the same category as the guys who only want to dance with the youngest and prettiest. Just ignore them.
  6. ReneeJoan

    ReneeJoan New Member

    Absolutely, you do NOT accept another man's invitation to dance, seconds after refusing another man's invitation, regardless of the rank, social status, or desirability of the second invitation. This is an iron-clad rule, and I invoke the sainted Emily Post on this one. The only exception to this is if your first refusal was because the first man's behavior was so obnoxious (drunk, physically abusive, etc.) as to invoke the ultimate social censure.

    I have done this. The first time I refused my teacher, Felix, because seconds before I had told another man that I was tired and needed to sit out, he was, to say the least, startled, because he's one of the most sought after partners for social dancing in Los Angeles, and he knows it. But he respected by ethics on this one, and came back a few minutes later to claim his dance.

    This has happened a few other times with other teachers. No, they are not usually refused, and they KNOW that women frequently snub other men to dance with them. But they have always respected my refusal on these grounds, and I can't recall a single one who did not come back a few dances later to claim the postponed dance.

    I stick to my guns on this, even if it means that the party ends before I get my dance with Mr. To Die For Instructor.

    And I've been on the other end of this equation, and I know. It slices to watch a man dance with another woman seconds after telling you he was tired and wanted to sit this one out. Golden Rule, Ladies.

  7. Vin

    Vin New Member

    Some guys are way too sensitive about this issue.
    If a girl turns me down and then goes off to dance with a local salsa celeb I do not take it personally, and I shouldn't it is just how the world works.

    If a girl makes a habit of turning me down alot I will just ask someone else and tend to make my offers to her more scarce.

    There are women I dance with 3-4 times a night, there are others who I might ask to dance once a month. There are also some levels in between.

    Guys if the women aren't appreciating their dances with you, guess what,you have to make them appreciate those dances with you by asking them less often.

    Trust me guys, once a follow understands that you could "take her or leave her" whatever perceived power she has to reject you is gone.
  8. DancePoet

    DancePoet Well-Known Member

    Vin's strategy works! :D
  9. Vince A

    Vince A Active Member

    I'm guilty of being one of those men . . . however, the dance was a very special woman . . . Carolyn . . . and she has come to me, right after I've danced several songs with other ladies, AND right after I have just turned down someone, saying, "Sorry, I just danced three in a row . . . I need a one-song break."

    When Carolyn comes over and grabs my hand . . . I'll defintely go to the dance floor, RIGHT NOW, with her . . . cause I could care less about what another woman thinks of me when I am with Carolyn!

    Sorry . . . that's who I am!!!
  10. ReneeJoan

    ReneeJoan New Member

    Well, Vince, since confession is good for the soul, I, too, have one special man who, if I saw him, sends every ethic, every rule, every last milligram of human decency out the window. I'm dancing with him because once he enters the room, there are no other men there to dance with. Only him.


  11. Vin

    Vin New Member

    Great point, even when one has the best of intentions they can all go out the window. We are after all only human.
  12. DancePoet

    DancePoet Well-Known Member

    Well, ok, if Dancin_feet asked me to dance, maybe. But see even this might not be fair. And she'd understand. ;)
  13. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

  14. youngsta

    youngsta Active Member

    People shouldn't feel guilty for feeling like that. I believe TE should do whatever she feels like doing. It's HER time and money, nobody should be made to feel guilty about their dance preferences. If someone else doesn't like it so be it, move on.
  15. SalsaAmore

    SalsaAmore New Member

    I really think it's all about perception. Some people focus on the positives in life and others on the negatives. Yes, beginners may not get many dances from people more advanced than they, but I doubt very much that if you ask the right kind of beginner (intermediate or advanced) followers that you will be rejected much. Beginning leaders also choose WHO they want to dance with, too. Ask yourself, "Are YOU looking for just the dance or is there another motive?" If it's just for the dance and she rejects you, it really shouldn't matter and it shouldn't feel THAT bad. However, if you think she's hot and you want to dance with her and she turns you down flat, it's kinda your tough luck, because of your hidden agenda.

    However, I always say if you are really sensitive to rejection, then check out the person and how she interacts with others before you ask her to dance and not just by how pretty or attractive she is. Does she act in a friendly, mean or obnoxious way towards others? Is she smiling or frowning, looks happy or sad, friendly or mean? Or, do you get a good vibe from this person? Think of your success ratio. If she is a beginner, smiling, looks friendly, standing by the dance floor waiting to dance or moving around looks like she wants to dance, your success ratio will be high or higher. If she is standing with other girls, talking, busy, looks arrogant, not smiling or seems unhappy, then your success ratio is pretty low, wouldn't you think?

    In my Salsa scene, yes there are some arrogant, mean girls out there who think they are something else just because they have been dancing for a year or two and are in a troupe and won't dance with anyone except good dancers or people in their cliques. I've heard from plenty of male friends that is the case even if they have been dancing for sometime and are decent dancers. So, it isn't about the dancer being a beginner or what. It's mostly, about that persons attitude or over-blown ego. But, why should you care about these pseudo-primadonnas anyways. It's all perspective in the end. They may impress beginners, but to the more advanced and more experienced dancers, they are just hiding behind a wall of insecurity and deep down they know they are not truly great dancers themselves. Make friends with nice people who you may have a connection with and have fun out there. Classes are the best ways to make new friends and to see who you connect with while learning to dance better. If your interpersonal or people skills aren't that great, then pick up some books and relearn them. If you are not having fun out there making new friends to dance with, then there is definitely something not right and you have to rethink your perspective and rework your strategy.
  16. Vin

    Vin New Member

    SalsaAmore: Great post
  17. bordertangoman

    bordertangoman Well-Known Member

    This is called chivalry
  18. Medira

    Medira New Member

    And there are so few knights in shining armor these days...
  19. aimerrouge

    aimerrouge New Member

    :applause: :applause: :applause: :applause: :applause:

    This is SO true in my scene. Usually, what happens is the beginner lead focuses in on one of the advanced level attractive girls for the whole evening. Even though the object of his affection dances with him politely repeatedly, by the end of the evening you can tell she's a little tired of all the attention. She hasn't gotten to dance with everyone she wanted to.

    In another post I wrote that the guys in my scene are dissappointed at their lack of dating success with the girls here. They never make the connection that this type of behavior is noticed and frowned upon by all the girls.
  20. Vin

    Vin New Member

    Wow, the follows actually give them that much time. Here the ettiquete is one dance, two in a row if you know each other. 3 in a row if if you know each other and there aren't that many people out. Any more than that and dance couple.

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