Tango Argentino > Relationships, Breakups, Dance floor fallout

Discussion in 'Tango Argentino' started by tangobro, Nov 16, 2015.

  1. tangobro

    tangobro Active Member

    The tango community in my area has seen many sustained relationships & some marriages blossom. My question is about the breakups. I've seen quite a few instances of relationships where the couple danced exclusively with each other at practicas, danced mostly with each other at milongas, arrived & left with each other & were publicly affectionate with each other. Then, after what I assume was a breakup, I no longer saw them together as a couple. In every case I saw the guys again at the practicas & milongas, usually immediately or at most soon after with another woman, but the women seem to have left the tango scene.

    My question - is this typical in your dance community, with the women leaving the community after a breakup with her partner?
  2. Lilly_of_the_valley

    Lilly_of_the_valley Well-Known Member

    It happens, but it is not gender specific. Usually, when a relationship was the main reason to frequent tango events for someone, that someone leaves the scene after the relationship ends.
    If a person is in love with tango and dancing first, he or she stays in tango or comes back to it after a while. You can meet another boyfriend or girlfriend, but there is only one tango, and it always loves you, even when you feel you do not love it at times. :)
    ocean-daughter likes this.
  3. Loki

    Loki Well-Known Member

    Agree - if the relationship is the driving force, what would be the reason to return if the relationship ends?
  4. Lilly_of_the_valley

    Lilly_of_the_valley Well-Known Member

    There is also a common mistake, and (although it is a generalization, of course) women seem to make it more often than men.
    The mistake consists of putting a disproportional importance on a relationship in one's life, and neglecting/cutting off other resources and enjoyable things that happen in life.
    One one hand, it is natural, when one is in love, everything related to that person seems in focus, and everything else, kinda blurry. :)
    On the other hand, let's say, if you have very few friends in the tango community to begin with, and start neglecting those connections because you are so concentrated on one person, you will lose that connections little by little. And when the relationship ends, you may feel very isolated. All your friends are either the ex's friends, or you were related to them as a couple, and that couple does not exist anymore. So, as much as you are in love with one person, it would be a mistake to neglect other people. Not because that person is bad or you would break up eventually. Maybe you will live happily ever after! But still, you do need your own resources and your own connections.
    Same with your dancing. If you are a good dancer, it will be easier for you to enjoy tango with different people. You don't need a specific partner for that. Again, if you have one, and wish to dance with him all the time, it is completely fine. The problem happens when you feel that you don't need to improve your dancing because you got a partner, you are good enough for that partner, so you may as well stop growing. Do not stop evolving. Do it for yourself.
  5. manuille

    manuille New Member

    Hi, I´m from Argentina and I met my girlfriend in Tango. We respect each other when we dance in a Milonga. I have met some couples who broke up and they still dance together
    ocean-daughter likes this.
  6. Zoopsia59

    Zoopsia59 Well-Known Member

    I don't think there is any one result for what happens or why.

    Sometimes the person who was hurt by being dumped doesn't want to risk running into the other person, especially if he is with a new lover. Sometimes even if the other person is certain not to be there, the scene brings back too many memories that are like pouring salt on the wound. (I've also known people who took a break after the death of a partner because even just hearing the music was too painful)

    Sometimes the person who disappears just wasn't all that into tango in the first place. Or they may just be going to different events to avoid each other. (or moved on to a different dance)

    Sometimes, they may want to come back, but fear the reaction of others and the knowledge that they are most likely a source of gossip. They don't want to talk about it, nor do they want the fact that others are talking about it right in their face all night.

    Having to interact with others after mostly ignoring them for so long is also awkward. Even if the couple wasn't exclusive in their social behavior at the milonga (or as dancers) going solo after being part of a couple from the beginning is daunting, especially when all women know that getting dances is a challenge. (although many women report that as soon as they start showing up without their previous partner, they get asked more)

    I think that it is a mistake to go to tango in your own little relationship bubble unless you really don't care about continuing with tango on your own. If a woman ignores me for months on end because they don't socialize (or dance) with anyone but their partner, and then suddenly tries to become my BFF when the partnership breaks up, I'm going to give her a little side-eye at the very least. I won't shun her, but I'm not going to expect anything lasting or meaningful out of a friendship, unless it's clear that the person was just really shy all along and was "hiding" behind her partner.

    If it's a leader who is suddenly available for dancing when his partner is out of the picture, I will probably dance with him, but I've known leaders who do that and as soon as they are with someone new, they go back to not dancing with other people. So I'm not going to invest any energy in caring about getting a dance from him.
    Lilly_of_the_valley and manuille like this.
  7. MaggieMoves

    MaggieMoves Well-Known Member

    I've had it happen, and changed where I was taking lessons as a result. It's an awful feeling when you were with someone when you were so close and hurt so badly... and then to see them a few times a week? Screw that. I changed studios. Luckily NJ/NYC has a bunch of places where my instructors were willing to meet.

    Current bf is from another studio, and a practice partner. Thankfully if there is a situation where we break up... the fallout won't be too awful.
  8. Tango Distance

    Tango Distance Active Member

    It might be the statistics of small numbers, but that I have seen a female is far more likely to drop out than a male. This makes sense to me for these reasons:
    • A male shows up with a new girlfriend who has never danced before. He is experienced enough that they do a respectable job on the floor. Experienced male + inexperienced female works better than the reverse case. Predictably, the more experienced person is more likely to stick with Tango if they break up.
    • There are more women than men. If they break up, the male is going to have a better chance finding a female in Tango than vice versa (at least in my area), so he has a bigger motive to stick with Tango.
    • It might be my studio, but most of the men are in committed relationships. The few that aren't are generally older. There are more single females. So once again, if someone is on the hunt for a date, it seems to favor males.
    • A female is not all that interested in the guy until she finds out that he does Tango. Then she is suddenly consumed with desire to go out with him! A guy that dances is such a rare find she can't let him get away! Alas, off the dance floor she finds out he is a mere human and then breaks up with him. OK, ok, I made up this last bullet, but it could happen!
    ocean-daughter likes this.
  9. pascal

    pascal Active Member

    The only case worth mentioning I saw with my own eyes was a couple who were together in life, both married (but not with eachother). They would book the same plane to go to a tango festival, share the same hotel room, but would not book the same classes. More than once I had heard them arguing with eachother during practices on the lines of whose fault it was, and I guess they eventually decided that it was best to avoid dancing together.
    At some point the guy had a "Tango crisis". Is this dance really for me, after all these years I won't improve any more, and so on. And he disappeared from the tango scene.
    The woman keeps going to milongas as often as ever.
  10. Mladenac

    Mladenac Well-Known Member

    Some skills should be developed before going to Tango.
    Or to be aware what besides dancing technique need to be developed.
  11. tangobro

    tangobro Active Member

    yes, that seems reasonable, but in all the cases that I observed the women came to tango independently. Some were taking beginning classes & began attending practicas when they met these particular guys, usually at a practica maybe at a milonga. Some others had been in the tango community & met within the tango scene. It may be worthy to note that many times it seems to be the same group of guys who have these serial relationships.
  12. Lilly_of_the_valley

    Lilly_of_the_valley Well-Known Member

    I guess the pain from breakup could be stronger than the desire to dance for the moment.
    Loki likes this.
  13. Juniper Ivy

    Juniper Ivy Member

    I know of one long term couple who broke up and the woman disappeared from tango and the man stuck around. I think her new boyfriend doesn't dance and it is hard when the woman is a good dancer and the man is a beginner. It would take a long time for him to catch up to her level. And also it would probably be difficult for them to see the ex boyfriend regularly. He on the other hand used tango to attract new girlfriends.

    Also I know of another couple who broke up when the man met another woman dancer. The new couple continued to dance and so did the exwife but they tried to attend different events.

    I think it can be very painful to see your ex lover on the dance floor, especially if he is with someone new. And I agree it is easier for a man to meet a single female dancer who is a beginner, but it is probably harder for a woman to find a man who wants to learn to dance with her.

    That being said I think I would stick with tango if I am ever in this situation because I do love to dance though I might try to avoid my ex by going to events where he wouldn't be there. I don't feel like I need to be in a couple to enjoy dancing.
  14. Lois Donnay

    Lois Donnay Member

    I've seen some interesting examples of women dragging their guys to classes, and the guys, reluctant at first, find they like it. The women, however, find it more difficult than they thought, and find it less enjoyable. Then, as the guy gets better, he becomes quite popular, even to the point where he doesn't dance with his woman enough. When the inevitable breakup occurs, he stays because he liked it, she leaves because she didn't.
    It has been my observance that a successful tango/life relationship is more likely if the woman is a better dancer than the man.
    Mladenac likes this.
  15. Juniper Ivy

    Juniper Ivy Member

    It is so true that almost every man first arrives at social dance being reluctantly dragged here by his girlfriend or wife. Even the men who end up becoming expert dancers started off being dragged in by a woman! Haha :inlove::wacky::p:oops::shy:
    Lois Donnay likes this.
  16. Lois Donnay

    Lois Donnay Member

    Not so true anymore, guys! Watch out! Younger men (younger than ~45) don't have a fear of dancing so much anymore. My classes are awash in young, handsome, single, talented male dancers, who just thought it would be fun to learn to dance. If young men figure out how many beautiful women are waiting for them in tango, your lives could be a lot harder!

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