Dance Articles > Salsa Rejection: When is it appropriate?

Discussion in 'Dance Articles' started by johnsnjr, May 3, 2005.

  1. tj

    tj New Member

    Regarding these 'lists'... as has been said, one (male or female) has to be careful about having too restrictive of a criteria of who you dance with. If your pool of people that you will dance with starts getting too small, you will be painting yourself into the proverbial corner. There is constant turnover in the salsa scene, and people will trickle in and out of the scene - the result being that your current # of partners will slowly dwindle, and you need to occasionally add more people in order to have enough people to dance with.

    This problem is greater if you're in a smaller scene.
  2. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    ok...ok...I'll just leave one person on it. :p
  3. crysis999

    crysis999 New Member

    @ topic


  4. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    yup. ;-)
  5. Daburgerman

    Daburgerman New Member

    My 2 cents

    Nobody is in my DND list, as I dance with anyone who asks because they had courage. I do however have a DNA list and it’s simply that--you have already been rejected by this person (without a known or good reason) and don’t want to “inconvenience” them by asking again. Like someone mentioned, it’s their loss, not yours. I understand rejection can be discouraging and it might be a slight embarrassment, sometimes having to save face. Excuses can vary, but the most common one I get is “not right now, maybe later.” The way I see it as a guy—if a woman rejects me for a dance and changes her mind in the future, it won’t kill her to ask me.

    One time I got rejected by this girl who was standing by the pillar near the center of the dance floor; she was ready to dance from her body language. She started dancing with someone not too long after. I couldn’t think of any reason for her to reject me other than the fact that she was much taller, maybe by 4 inches or so (I’m 5’4”). To the ladies, I ask have you ever rejected a guy because of his height? Guys, what do you do when you notice a lady refuse a dance with someone, do you approach thinking her response for you will be different or do you move on?

    Also I’ve noticed that rejection is more common at certain venues, and less so at others—more rejections coming from designated salsa “clubs” rather than bars/lounge that host weekly salsa night. And I see some of the same people going to both. Maybe someone can explain. Based on my classes, I would say my skill level is a solid intermediate; I've had a fair share of people asking for a dance after watching me on the floor.

    As for the “group think” mentality within a group of females, a lot of really good points were made. Sometimes it works in your favor when they say no, and introduce their friend here that wants to dance! And it’s inevitably always the most shy one out of the bunch.
  6. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Well-Known Member

    I do occasionally turn down dances. If we haven't danced before, there are likely a lot of people with preference over you, like whoever I'm romantically interested in, followed by those I consider the best dancers in the room, then my friends and regular partners.. When it really runs down to dancing with someone unfamiliar, I may say no for different reasons.. I saw you dance and didn't like your style, something about your demeanor turns me off, I don't like the song, I'm tired, etc.

    Also bear in mind everyone doesn't have the same mentality. Nobody should feel obligated to dance with you.
  7. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    People will usually dance with their friends. Make friends with people and your rejections will do way down. ;-)

    I would say saying "no" is appropriate whenever you don't want to dance. I personally don't want to dance with anyone who wishes not to dance with me.
  8. Ray Sison

    Ray Sison New Member

    That makes a LOT of sense, Sagitta! :cheers:
  9. wiseman

    wiseman New Member

    You'd be surprised how many women reject because they are worried they are bad dancers. Where I go, there are soooooo many of them. So, they end up not dancing at all the whole night. Why they bother coming to social dances is beyond me.....

    Of course, I do see some instructors force them to get up and dance with them, so they may end up dancing just that one time. Maybe some people need that extra push, who knows? All I know is that my dancing skills and confidence aren't that good yet to be doing that. I'll leave that to the instructors or the pros to do the pushing. But for now, if you say no, then it means no and I just move onto the next gal until one accepts. Chances are, the one who accepts is the prettiest. :p
  10. Ray Sison

    Ray Sison New Member

    Maybe some of these women just want to hang out, and simply just want to be near people and/or the excitement of the dance environment. Ya know? And others just still might be real nervous because they are just starting to learn how to dance...
  11. wonderwoman

    wonderwoman Well-Known Member

    There are those of us who go first to socialize and maybe dance, and there are those of us who go first to dance and maybe socialize.

    A dance should never feel like an obligation or chore. Dance when it feels good to you. If that means you only dance at and above your level, it doesn't make you a snob. If you only want to dance with other total beginners, it doesn't make you weak. If you don't want to dance, you don't have to.
  12. Ray Sison

    Ray Sison New Member

    Very well stated, WW... :cheers:
  13. wiseman

    wiseman New Member

    It's a leaders job to adjust to the followers level. If he's dragging you to do advance stuff that you're not capable of doing, it is not your fault. Dump him and don't dance with him again. No follower should be put through that.
  14. jennyisdancing

    jennyisdancing Active Member

    Okay, but dancing isn't just about what makes *you* feel good. We are talking about partner dancing, so it's a social experience. Part of the experience is to make others feel good, too. I don't consider it a "chore" to be gracious and dance with whoever asks me, no matter what their level.

    I know this topic has been discussed extensively and I'm sure I won't change anyone's mind. But for me, dance etiquette is a charming part of the process and it helps provide a respectful, pleasant atmosphere.
  15. wiseman

    wiseman New Member

    I'm often obliged to get up and dance and I'm a guy. At one dance party I went to, they were playing a lot of mix music. Since I'm only a Salsa guy, I couldn't dance when they played some Hustle, Rumba and Bachata songs. So, I ended up sitting for a while and not dancing. One woman saw me and was pushing me to get up and dance with her during a Bachata song. I told her I didn't know a lot of Bachata, but she didn't care. She pushed me to get up and dance with her anyway. I didn't want to hurt her feelings and say that I didn't want to dance with her. So, I still danced with her anyway even though my Bachata is pretty awful. I only took one lesson on it. So in a way, I was "obligated" to dance with her. Should I have insisted and said "no" to her because I didn't want to? I mean, it would've hurt her feelings, no?
  16. jennyisdancing

    jennyisdancing Active Member

    I'm sure the lady didn't mind that you only knew a little of it. If there was a shortage of guys there, she was probably just itching not to sit out too much.

    The thing is, totally not knowing a dance is one of the legitimate reasons to turn someone down. So I guess if you really preferred to sit out the dance, you might have told her you didn't know any bachata whatsoever. Of course, if she had seen you dance it before, you couldn't use that excuse. :p
  17. wiseman

    wiseman New Member

    LOL! Actually, I did say that. And she was like, "Come on, I'll teach you." I wanted to make it seem like I had absolutely no Bachata skills whatsoever so she doesn't have any high expectations. But like I said, she didn't care. I guess she just wanted to get up and dance.
  18. Ray Sison

    Ray Sison New Member

    Very cool, wiseman! That worked out well...
  19. wiseman

    wiseman New Member

    I was just making a point that sometimes, it wouldn't hurt to say "yes" to a dance. If you're conscious about not being good enough, you can kindly tell the guy that you only had a few lessons. Chances are, he wouldn't care. I certainly wouldn't...but then again, I ain't that good myself. :D
    But like I said, you really shouldn't have to explain. It's the guy's job to adjust to your level. If he's not doing so, then he's the one with the problem, not you!
  20. jennyisdancing

    jennyisdancing Active Member

    And you were smart to handle your situation the way you did. Sounded like your partner was perfectly happy how it turned out. You're right, some people just want to get up, dance, and have fun, no matter what level of skill, or lack thereof. Nothing wrong with that. :D

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