Salsa > social etiquette question

Discussion in 'Salsa' started by noobster, Jul 8, 2007.

  1. noobster

    noobster Member

    Let's say you go out to a salsa club by yourself, and there are very few reasonably experienced dancers there, and you find one leader you have a pretty good connection with.

    If you dance with that same guy most of the night, and you make a little conversation in the breaks, is that necessarily an indication of interest in something more?

    I guess what I'm saying is, if I am not interested in the guy other than as a dance buddy, am I being misleading by hanging around with him all night just because he is an awesome flirty dancer with good floorcraft and a nice smooth lead (and because I miss chatting in Spanish)?
  2. FatBaldGuy60

    FatBaldGuy60 New Member

    As a guy, yes, he may be getting the wrong message. He does not know that you were dancing with him all night because he is a good dancer. As far as he knows you have a choice, and it has been him.

    That is, unless you said something specifically about why you were dancing with him, and to be honest, a guy still might interpret that as a way to subtly say you like him. Us men are not too bright at times.

  3. quixotedlm

    quixotedlm New Member

    Ditto FatBaldGuy.

    The truth is that however much it might be fun to dance with someone, it gets old after 5 dances on the same night. After that, the dance chemistry is still there, but the tiresomeness of it is only alleviated by personal chemistry.

    The 5 number might change for each individual - the threshold might be 2 for some and 10 for others... the point is that if you willingly go to dance with the same guy on a given social, then you are sending unambiguous signals to him that you like him. It's not different from just asking someone to be your lunch buddy at school or a conversation with someone elsewhere - if you show incessant attention to someone because you have a great lunch/conversation connection with that person, you are telling them that you like them enough to go back again and again, and there might be something more to it. It's an open invitation.

    I don't think this is true for just guys interpreting someones interest in them as romantic. It goes both ways. If your genders were reversed, you'd still be sending a message that you 'like' _her_.
  4. delamusica

    delamusica Active Member

    Yeah . . . I wouldn't ever dance with the same guy all night unless I was interested in him, no matter how good he is . . .

    Especially since I go to the clubs by myself, it's just not worth it to risk sending the wrong message.
  5. noobster

    noobster Member

    Aw, darnit. I figured. Sigh. I guess I will have to try and tone it down. Too bad. :(

    Normally I would agree with this, but if the options are to dance with the one really nice smooth musical lead in the place or to take your chances being dragged around by various aggressive beat-less leaders all night...

    I know, I wasn't trying to frame it as a guy-girl thing. It's just that dance etiquette is a little different than regular social etiquette (most non-social-dancers would consider it somewhere between uncomfortable and shocking to dance closely with strangers), so I was hoping I might have got away with it.
  6. witchphd

    witchphd New Member

    You might be able to get away with multiple dances in one evening. However, you added this:

    That's certainly not helping.
  7. kayak

    kayak Active Member

    Are you the one good follower in the scene as well?
  8. Noobster,

    I would say it depends. I am not a guy but I can tell you about my experience. I have done it and I loved it. It depends on the guy.

    I feel for you because it is great to be able to dance with a great lead all night!

    When I was single I did it every now and then when I had an opportunity and it was absolutely no problem. I had some of the best evenings that way with some of the best dancers (who were mostly Latino guys). They were gentlemen and also had only dancing on their agenda. I am talking about guys I did not know and who were not in my regular scene. But I guess I did not send them the wrong signals and so we all just had a great dance night!

    Many years ago Ione of the above mentioned guys asked me to dance at a Larry Harlow concert and then danced with me all night. It was absolutely delightful for me. He was well dressed, smelled good, was a great dancer and a gentleman, just the way I loved it! So we both had a great evening and we only danced, did not even talk much.

    A couple of months after that I went to an Oscar d'Leon concert and he was there, too. I only greeted him and then went with my girlfriend to find a table. I was so happy when he came over and asked me to dance when the concert started and danced with me all night! And it was a long concert! Oscar went on and on! We danced until we dropped! For both of us it was great fun!

    So it all depends...

    Just do not send the wrong signals if you do not know your lead in question pretty well. And I would say stay away from the chatting, at least in the beginning, so he does not get a wrong impression.
  9. gte692h

    gte692h Member

    Yes, it could be, but it is not your problem. Leave it to him to figure that part out. Its ironic, but someone did exactly this to me, while I was visiting a new salsa town this weekend. She was new to the scene as I was, and just stoked me all night so that she got her dances.

    In my case, I saw it coming, and I didn't mind dancing with her either way. its no big deal. a guy should know when a girl is genuinely into him, versus when she's pulling something.. you just do what you gotta do noob. he'll learn
  10. sweavo

    sweavo New Member

    Us guys are sooooo used to discovering that she wasn't interested in THAT way... I wouldn't feel guilty about it.
  11. Shooshoo

    Shooshoo New Member

    By hanging around with him all night shouldn't mean that you're leading him and I'm sure you could sense his type of interest. Just be clear if he tries to make a move and explain your position.
  12. Bailando

    Bailando New Member

    I agree. I wouldn't worry about leading him on. You have found a new dance buddy in your new scene and I don't think there's anything wrong with having a few friendly chats and dancing many times with him in one night.

    If you're sensing that he is interested in being more than friends, you could deal with this later.

    I became quite friendly with a number of my dance buddies through repeated dances and friendly chats in between songs. Once you're friendly with him, he may introduce you to other good dancers. It's a good way to meet people.
  13. tj

    tj New Member

    (Whoops, case of mistaken identity, nvm...)
  14. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    my gut feeling on this (admittedly know nothing about the salsa scene) is that if you are wondering it is b/c you are concerned that the person might be misconstruing your motives and you don't want to be misleading....therefore, I would find a way to make myself clear so as to avoid what you fear....but, that is only one way of handling it...not neccessarily the best way for you
  15. Sabor

    Sabor New Member

    guys usually wont know whats up in your head and how u think of things untill u spell it out for them like a 5-year old..

    all u need to do is tell him nicely how it is and then dance away.. that is ofcourse, unless u really want it to be more subconciously.. hmm
  16. GTO Bruin

    GTO Bruin Member

    True. A favorite motto among my fraternity brothers was, "All women want me....until proven otherwise." Unfortunately, getting proven wrong repeatedly makes this motto more about bravado than conquest.

    On the dance floor, discerning romantic interest can be complicated. As dancers, we communicate with our own language, one that is flirty and sexy. Furthermore, it's an intimate, one-on-one discussion (ok...rueda's more of a group exchange). And when the connection is strong, it's like being totally in tune with the other. Given all that, it would be easy to mistake an enthusiastic partner for something more. Particularly if he/she gave you multiple....dances.:nope:

    On the other hand, as others have said, as long as you're not giving mixed signals, just be yourself, and let the guy figure it out. Even if there is no chance for a future, part of the enjoyment is living the illusion for just a song. If it looks like it's going beyond the dance floor, then deal with it quickly.
  17. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    i echo fasc & sabor... just be casually clear & then no worries...
  18. GTO Bruin

    GTO Bruin Member

    Unless the guy has given an indication that he's interested, I think it would be presumptious to say anything too directly. It would be disturbing to me if someone that I've just been casual with felt the need to set the record straight without cause. It would make me question my actions and leave me wondering if I'd done anything that could have been taken the wrong way. Or it may make me think that she thinks awfully well of herself.
  19. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    yah, but it doesn't take much to convey one's interest or lack thereof... just a one-liner comment & the behaviour to back it up... no need to make a big deal out of it. there's no presumption or arrogance... just being clear. JME...

    if it were me at this point, after having spent one evening hanging out with the guy, i'd make a point of being happy & gracious after my next dance with him, tell him i really look forward to dancing with him some more later, & announce i'm going to go check out who all else is around... and then disappear to scout out the night's crowd... get a drink... find myself somewhere comfy to watch... or just immediately get myself out there on the floor with someone else.
  20. I would not directly bring up the subject if he does not make any romantic advances at you. That could irritate him. Samina's suggestion is good: Just signal that all you want is dance by interacting and dancing also with others.

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