Salsa > social etiquette question

Discussion in 'Salsa' started by noobster, Jul 8, 2007.

  1. quixotedlm

    quixotedlm New Member

    that was a joke, but only a semi-serious one. nothing wrong in being forward ;)

    look elsewhere for dates? then what will you do when you are hopelessly hooked to dancing, and your beau is not so much into it?
  2. Andresito

    Andresito Member

    OK, Jenny I'll tell you what happens with me and this could maybe help

    I am 40 but I am very fit and look younger, everybody says I look 27-33. This is cool I go out and dance the night away with attractive young girls 22-30, and when I do it I am very passionate ( I am a real Latin ;) )and this pleases to some and puts off some others. It's cool to me, I stay with the ones that like it and there are quite a good quantity.

    I have been involved with many younger girls, my last girlfriend has 26 now.

    So, If I am interested in one girl, what I do is similar to what this guy is doing. I approach her; I don't hide the fact I like her; I start involving her in dance and non dance activities, I am a perfect gentleman, BUT I don't try to get her. ( in my inner game and in my outer game ). If she shows interest I still don't jump into it. I want to be sure that she is interested, then things go naturally, It is quite clear to me when she is ready, is kind of confusing when she is not. If it doesn't work that's fine.

    One thing I did before that I absolutely don't do now, is that I don't pay for dates or give gifts, before she is my girlfriend. This is because one ex told me clearly that I absolutely must avoid this because the girl feels that doing so I am trying to buy her attention and this is a turn-off. so I simply don't do it.

    In other words, I come to her, make clear that I am interested, but don't pursue her and I let her give the signals... If she does, great... If not I just enjoy her company dancing. that's cool with me.

    In some cases I didn't get her, even when she was clearly interested. the last time she was a 20 yo girl and I just at the last moment decided that she was way too young for me :p
  3. quixotedlm

    quixotedlm New Member

    an exception i make to gift giving is when it costs nothing or next to nothing. for eg, a cd from your music collection, a poster, a postcard from someplace you visit or a simple flower (like rose) etc is free (or very cheap) and thoughtful.
  4. Ron Obvious

    Ron Obvious New Member

    Well, I wouldn't necessarily get those hints, the thing is that we analyse all sort of things, and there could be other contradictory things that supercede those 'hints', like for example wiping your bottle before borrowing it to him.

    I think it would be quite cute if some woman waved semaphore flags at me, you should try it...

    About the pollu... no asker pays; it's a cultural thing I guess. I wouldn't necessarily pay a dinner on a first date, at least not if it's an ambiguous date. But I'm still a student and the etiquette then here is usually that each pay for themselves. If you treat the woman on the first date you signal you are a very macho man who deosn't like independent and modern women. I wouldn't do it, not as a rule at least.

    Also it's datingwise counterproductive to e.g buy a lady a drink, it shows that you have to do something to be allowed to talk to her. It's a nicht-nicht I think.
  5. Ron Obvious

    Ron Obvious New Member

    Yes, agree with this. It's the thought that counts.
  6. quixotedlm

    quixotedlm New Member

    but don't do it for the heck of it. let things flow naturally, and if you are in a context from which you perchance think of something appropriate, then its nice to just go with the idea..(eg, you are talking about salsa music and you have a cool track you'd like to share - then make a cd and throw in a cute note)
  7. jennyisdancing

    jennyisdancing Active Member

    I love all the thoughts on here. It sounds like many of you (or the people you date) are quite young. Certainly, if you're a college student, things are definitely much more casual. So maybe I should reiterate one point. I am in my 40's and the guy in question is probably close to 60.

    In my experience, and I'm sure in his also, dating when you're older is usually handled very traditionally. I don't ever think that a man is trying to buy my affections when he buys me dinner or a drink. I also do not infer that he is opposed to independent women. There is none of that connotation at all. Actually, it's not even just with much older men; I've dated guys in their 30's and they always offer to pay on a date too. It is simply just a polite gesture to make the lady's evening more pleasant.

    So, Andresito, I totally disagree with your ex-girlfriend's opinion; she's entitled to it, but she doesn't speak for all women. Many women, including some younger women, feel differently. I asked the female college interns in my office for their opinions on this. They were appalled to hear that I had to pay for my own dinner.

    Yes, absolutely. Those are lovely gestures.
  8. Ron Obvious

    Ron Obvious New Member

    But it could be a cultural difference also, we don't have a dating culture here (like in the states), so we also have less rules. And when I was in Spain I was told that the inviter always pays, no matter what the relationship is, so even between friends and work colleagues.
  9. Andresito

    Andresito Member

    Well could be also a cultural thing. European women even are uncomfortable when you pay for their drinks or dinner.

    In the Latin countries this is the most normal thing, and women expect the man to pay when they are invited.
  10. quixotedlm

    quixotedlm New Member

    jenny, the last gal i dated is in her 40's (i'm late 20's). she never had a problem with going dutch in the initial phase. it was not even discussed - it was just natural. sometimes if one person paid fully, the next time the other did (without regard for who did the asking). we are talkign about two economically well-to-do people who can easily afford to pay for several dates every week without much difficulties...

    i really think that the 'who pays' question is something that has to be organically worked out, and you can't make a big deal out of it if your date gets it wrong... the rules surrounding this has become very muddy due to conflicting old vs. new ethos...
  11. Ron Obvious

    Ron Obvious New Member

    This wikipedia page mentions that the habit of splitting the bill is customary in Sweden, but I can vouch for you that it at least applies in all the Nordic countries (Sweden, Norway, Denmark, Finland and Iceland). But maybe it's we who are different, and that the rest of the world (except the Dutch) treat the lady on a romantic date. I lived one year in Z├╝rich as well, but I didn't have a romantic date there :( .

    Incidentally I heard it's known as "going american" in the Netherlands...
  12. jennyisdancing

    jennyisdancing Active Member

    Thanks Ron. I totally understand there are a variety of dating customs in other countries, and that would help to explain the variety of opinions on this board as well.

    I am born and raised American, though, and so is the guy who took me out, so cultural differences would not be an issue in my situation. The Wikipedia entry about going Dutch also says

  13. Musique

    Musique New Member

    After such in-depth analysis, could it be that he is actually cheap? :???:
  14. salsamale

    salsamale New Member

    Thanks, tj, but I don't think jennyisdancing is interested in us, in that way :cowboy: :cowboy: [​IMG] :cowboy:.
  15. tj

    tj New Member

    :oops: :oops:

  16. jennyisdancing

    jennyisdancing Active Member

    Thanks folks, for all your opinions. After some thought I have concluded that most likely, the guy in question is definitely attracted to me but doesn't want to be in a dating relationship just yet, i.e. he's handling it as friends/dance partners for now. So I'm no longer upset that he didn't pay to take me out, since apparently I was wrong in assuming it was a date.

    As mentioned before, this is just so unfamiliar to me since I have not been involved in partner dancing for very long. Maybe this kind of situation happens a lot in the dancing world, I don't know.

    Also it does seem to me (and I have heard from others) that sometimes men who are good dancers get a bit spoiled. They are in demand, and some women are pretty forward in pursuing them, so they might feel like they can just sit back. I am not saying this is true in all cases, but like I said, several people have told me this.
  17. quixotedlm

    quixotedlm New Member

    that's generally not very true...more often than not, the more advanced dancers (both men and women) are the ones stuck in the rut of being single becuase very few people match their frequencies well enough..
  18. sweavo

    sweavo New Member

    If you're being pursued by lots of women, you HAVE to sit back or you turn into a playa and very soon you need to get a new social circle!
  19. jennyisdancing

    jennyisdancing Active Member


    You sound like a smart guy!

    Seriously, though, by 'sitting back' I don't mean deciding not to date. I used the phrase to describe a guy who lets women make all the moves, i.e. that perhaps some men who are good dancers can get many women without having to pursue them, court them, or pay for dates. I guess that situation would be very flattering to a guy's ego, but IMO makes for a very one-sided relationship.
  20. englezul

    englezul New Member

    Much like the opposite makes for a very on-sided relationship. :)

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