General Dance Discussion > Stigma With Ladies Asking?

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by africana, Aug 12, 2005.

  1. africana

    africana New Member

    I thought this was an interesting comment from another thread (one that I've heard a LOT from women) regarding getting dances when follows outnumber leads - or just in general:
    And it again reminded me of this hesistancy on the part of most women to be seen as desperate or unwanted if they ask a man to dance

    So for both laidies and gentlemen: What's the reason for this stigma?
    It probably varies from woman to woman...depending on lots of variables

    And for the leads/guys: does it degrade your esteem of the woman if she asks you? i.e. do you think less of her, in any way, for asking?

    And for the ladies that ask: how do you do it? Direct approach (walk up and ask) or indirect approach (flirt/hint/strike up conversation ;)) ? And why do you prefer your approach of choice?

    -I know sometimes guys take that as a compliment, when a woman asks, but in (my) reality, it may or not be, she could merely be making "the rounds" of all available leads in search of variety, just the same as leads men do. And sometimes it is a compliment

    -Also some women measure their attractiveness by much they get asked, which is probably an accurate read.

    So what say ye?
  2. Dancegal

    Dancegal Member

    Vent to follow, skip if you don't want to "hear" it....

    I just got back from "one of these nights" :x :evil: :x . I try to practice my WCS and find a rather clicky, "couplish" scene where men just stick to their corners and don't even try to ask women to dance. 2 dances in one hour and I had to ask someone for the second dance after sitting out for too long :x. If you didn't come with a "partner" or don't already know everyone, you're stuck. And I do consider myself attractive, thank you. Nothing like one of these nights to make a female feel a little bit less than....I LOVE WCS; however, I don't always feel comfortable in the scene.

    Honestly, I know venting will result in "you gotta ask the men to dance" stuff. But somewhere in the female psyche, we want to be asked. I do find it intimidating to ask older men to dance (typical WCS men in my scene), not sure why. The better some men are (I said "some" not all), the more they act like they are swing gods and wait to be asked. That is such a turnoff IMO. From what I see, the idea of seeking out "new" people and ask them to dance so they actually come back is completely non-existent in my scene, at least on Friday night. Flame me if you want, it is my opinion. :x
  3. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    Ok. I will. :wink: :) Not flame, though...

    You need to ask. If I as a male don't feel like dancing I won't ask. But if someone asks me I probably will accept and dance with the requestor not to be rude. Simple. You say women are hesitant...well welcome to the male experience. It is tough for us also to ask and risk getting rejected. If we try that out and get it too much from stangers the possibility of us giving up asking them is high. Ever considered that? Perhaps the fault is with the ladies who have made the men gun-shy?
  4. lynn

    lynn New Member

    Hmm, i've never asked a guy to dance, but that's only because i'm super shy.....actually, i've never asked a woman to dance either.....
  5. Shooshoo

    Shooshoo New Member

    I only ask men I know to dance. Direct approach (not very good at flirting :wink: ). I don't want anyone to dance with me and be BORED. The guys have to want to dance with me!!! The same applies to my enjoyment in dancing. I don't like to dance with the same guy too many dances. It gets boring. So when it's easy when you know the people cause if the guy doesn't want to dance, I don't take it personal.

    So it's more difficult with men I don't know, cause you don't know how they think. I usually only respond when asked. (not very proactive with men, huh? :roll: )
  6. honeydragon

    honeydragon New Member

    i kept track tonight

    I asked 40 guys to dance tonight.. it was just a simple practice session I just went around the room and made sure I didn't miss anyone.. about half of them turned me down for reasons of .. their wife/girlfriend/partner wouldn't be happy about it.. or they were too intimidated cuz they saw me dancing with some other guy (or girl) really well. go figure. i got some good dances in .. but my whole 'goal' tonight was to make sure I danced with everyone and made them feel welcome....

    they didn't mind standing around and chatting with me.. but they didn't feel like dancing at a practica ? uuugh... oh well. i'm not gonna give up.

    smiles !
  7. Ms_Sunlight

    Ms_Sunlight New Member

    I've never asked a guy to dance salsa. Truth be told, I've hardly danced at all outside of classes except with my other half. I'm too scared, but I think it's a newbie thing rather than a female thing.
  8. HM

    HM New Member

    It really depends. With friends we usually ask each other equally both genders. If you get than a "no" they also add a reason that is true, e.g. I'm already promised for the next dance... I still don't like it anywhy but it doesn't have that bad taste of rejection. But most of the time I don't have actually to just gving a look and a smile.

    With really good dancing guys I'm rather shy b/c I'm always afraid that they haven't aks me already for a dance (after a smile and a "I really would like to dance-look") b/c they just don't want to. Then I wouldn't maje sense. In my experiences the guys here are not that polite (whatever) that they would just accept an invitation to not be unkind.

    But after a couple of (male) friends told me they didn't mind to get ask at all. I promised me self to be a bit more tough and start to aks good dancing foreingers or guys I would really like do dance with. I had a try last night I got one "yes" and one (shocked, kind of "disgusted") "no" ( he's dancing in a performance group and was really surprised that I had the guts to approach him like that- I'm so sorry boy, life can give you hard times, get over it :roll: :D )

    but I like it as a good trainingh for more self competence-
    so I will go on
  9. tacad

    tacad New Member

    In ballroom dances, if a woman asks me to dance I'm usually a bit surprised but I don't take it as a compliment or that she's desperate either. So no, I don't think any less of her.
  10. cocodrilo

    cocodrilo New Member

    Usually I attend salsa parties/clubs with friends and when I'm not dancing with my friends, eventually some guy'll come up and ask me to dance. I've asked guys to dance before many times- when there's a hot song on or the guy's just really hot(hee hee!). If there are no guys asking me when I really want to dance then I just grab a girlfriend and I make an attempt to lead or we just go out there and do shines.
  11. yola

    yola New Member

    Um... i like your honesty Sagitta, and probably your comment is not meant the way i read it... but....
    And THAT's exactly the thing... i like to dance with men who like to dance! and more: like to dance WITH ME.
    If they just except my invitation, not to be rude.... :roll: :?

    (This hasn't stopped me to ask guys, mind you... 8) )

  12. cocodrilo

    cocodrilo New Member

    If I'm at a place for dancing, I kinda expect to be asked. My only excuse for "accepting out of politeness" would be if I am absolutely drenched with sweat and trying to mop it up or am out of breath. But I still wouldn't refuse the offer! :wink:
  13. chandra

    chandra New Member

    I will ask guys to dance under a few circumstances. There arent a huge amount of other follows around they could ask, they are more my ability level.

    If Im the only follow there and all they guys are novice or intermediate dancers I will ask all night. (oops- sorry i didnt know you were a pro is something i end up thinking to myself sometimes ;))
  14. Spitfire

    Spitfire Well-Known Member

    I have no problem at all with a woman asking me for a dance and as far as I know none of the other men here do either; why should I think it reflects in a bad way when ladies ask men?

    As far as any problems with men being too shy to ask women I feel that for me anyway, this is greatly neuteralized by the atmosphere. When you attend a dance such as at a studio, WCS club, USABDA event ect, everyone is there to dance and that's the focus. When you know someone is there to dance it certainly is easy to ask; more so then at a nightclub. This has been my experience anyway. True, sometimes snobbery exists, but I've generally been able to get around this.
  15. dickda

    dickda New Member

    Please ask

    I am a beginner/intermediate leader.

    Like many people, I am shy. I always sit or stand right next to the dance floor facing the dancers. I may be tapping my feet or swaying to the music. I look around the room for followers doing the same. I take that as a sign that they want to dance. It seems to me that either party should be able to ask for a dance. I am very pleased when a follower asks. Please keep asking...

  16. alemana

    alemana New Member

    i ask men to dance salsa all the time (i don't do ballroom dancing socially so that never comes up.) i pretty much only go to "dancer's" events so there's not a lot of concern on my part that the guy won't be physically able to dance. , but i will admit to getting a little choosier as i get better. i scope out the field between dances and see who looks like a good candidate. when the song ends, i swoop in and ask.

    i admit i don't ask the top-level guys on the scene to dance.. not yet. i anticipate i might get a small number of rejections from them (whereas from folks my level i am almost never turned down) but probably most will dance with me out of courtesy. there's a fair amount of chivalry still and part of being a superadvanced leader is having to dance down now and then. i will note that the superadvanced leaders are much more willing to dance down when the woman is extremely attractive, and since i'm sort of pedestrian looking i don't get to play that card.

    when i do dance with a much more advanced leader who refuses to tone his so what down even when it's clear i can't follow at that level, i either ask him to chill or, on rare occasions, thank him and leave. that's only happened once or twice though, and back when i was still much more of a beginner. there is also the situation of the advanced leader i know from class who always agrees to dance with me at the social when i ask, but looks bored during the dance. that's a tradeoff situation for me....
  17. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    You are right. I'll never accept an invitation if I'm going to do a pity dance. I've had that experience, and wouldn't give it to others. However, I do enjoy watching others dance, particularly beginners. So I take breaks and do that, but I would stop doing this in order to dance with a lady who has asked me.
  18. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    I never would do that. Meaning dance with or ask someone to dance again if they look bored like that. Just not my style. I want to enjoy my dances.
  19. tacad

    tacad New Member

    A dance teacher I had would have the women in the middle and say to the men, "Get 'em!". So we'd all rush to get a partner. Once in a while he would reverse it and have the men in the middle and tell the women to get 'em. One of my female friends would never rush to get one, even at the risk of not getting a partner. She said it was humiliating.
  20. africana

    africana New Member

    PS on the original post: I realized that guys who aren't comfortable with women asking may not feel comfortable replying to this topic

    oh well

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