General Dance Discussion > Stigma With Ladies Asking?

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by africana, Aug 12, 2005.

  1. africana

    africana New Member

    :roll: :lol:
  2. luh

    luh Active Member

    sorry to hear about that. if we'd have the dance icon yet, i'd immediatly would put that here. every scene is different. our scene is pretty liberal, and everyone asks everyone (lindy, not wcs). Jack jack, jill jill, jack jill, jill jack, what ever. I'm normally dancing with everyone at least once, - or i'm at least trying to, sometimes i think that i want to ask someone, someone else asks me, and when i want to ask, she/he left already (though, the he is not so important, those are the more fun ones ) I don'tknow if your scene has at all the "ask men", but if you feel uncomfy with it, i don'tknow if that is a way out of there. maybe you have to find another scene.

    Normally, they have to force me off the floor. i ask as much as i can. :D no way i'll reject any dance or not take a chance to ask.
  3. dancin/dj

    dancin/dj Member

    a lot of good comment"s,this observation really hit"s the nail well, i see this all the time.
  4. luh

    luh Active Member

    oh yeah, - ladies that sit in the corner and wait to be asked with a bored face are way less attractive to dance with than those who ask.
  5. Dancegal

    Dancegal Member

    I have been dancing Lindy and WCS for a few years now and at least in the Lindy scene I am at home and ask and get asked. I have traveled for dance in the Lindy world so I've been where I knew almost no one and managed to enjoy it. The local WCS scene has been one I have been less than comfortable in partly due to a perceived pecking order (I am currently not taking privates, not trying to compete so perhaps I won't be as "popular" with the leads) and the added contrast (no biggie but an adjustment) of being one of the younger folks vs. one of the older ones (Lindy). Some nights are more social than others (vs. clicky/couples-steady partners). I am still debating whether to go back to Friday night WC swing due to the above, but it is hard for me to social dance/do lessons during the week and this seems to be one of few chances to do so and improve my dancing even if I don't dance much or partners I do know don't show up. My other alternative is to give up WCS just because I'm not "training" now, which I refuse to do. I do intend to travel for WCS and certainly will find a way to enjoy it regardless - I guess I have to look at it as a "cultural experience" :)

    I just wish my local WCS scene didn't just do lip service to "growing" the scene, "dancing with people you don't know"/"making new friends" and actually put it into practice (I hear they've done it but it rings like community service to the "beginners" when in reality it applies to anyone who's been dancing awhile who happens not to be fully "plugged" into the scene).

  6. africana

    africana New Member

    It is possible that you might be a new face in the scene and that it takes a while for people to warm up to a new dancer? I know it happens in salsa as well.
    In fact the best way the jump into a new scene is to have a friend who's into the scene and cliques introduce one around. that has worked for me on some occasions (the other times I just managed to "insinuate" myself asap!)

    Even if you don't know anyone *influential* there maybe if you keeping going for a few more fridays they'll realize that you're there to stay and they'd better deal with you ;)

    *Also the great thing about being a new face is that you are completely unaware of any hierarchies & pecking order (at least you can pretend) and that way you can go straight to the top, ask the best dancers, whomever you please. I did that when I first moved to my current scene, worked nicely for not getting too intimidated :)
  7. salsera

    salsera New Member

    Hee.hee..I'm not the only one feeling the stress of height. I'm 5'9, and I always try to find guys that are close to my height. Once I danced with a really short guy. He tried to spin me, and my head with him! It was horrible.

    I will also admit that when I was a beginner, I was too terrified to ask anyone to dance. When I go out now, I will stand by the dance floor. But I cannot wait for a guy to ask me to dance. I start hearing the music...and it sounds ssoooo good that I end up asking for a dance. I had one guy that did not look enthused to dance with me. But we ended up dancing through three songs. I guess he thought I couldn't dance. I showed him! HA!
  8. Joe

    Joe Well-Known Member

    There's a short fella around here who loves to dance with the tall ladies...we suspect it's because his face is right at the level of their...headlights.
  9. cocodrilo

    cocodrilo New Member

    Same here, with being a magnet for short guys(abroad, though, not in Japan!) and wearing flats to do fast footwork.
  10. luh

    luh Active Member

    in the beginning it was hard for me, but they were pretty open, but a good advice is, to just sit with your drink to them, and have a short conversation ask them for a dance...
    That's how i tryed it. In the swiss scene it was harder, but just by sitting there, also some people started talking with me. so i know pretty many swiss dancers by now, french also, and a whole lot of the freiburg scene. so when i go now someplace it's pretty easy to get to know new people. I don't know if it mattered, but i'm pretty young, so conversations here started often of with that :?. you could try though to talk about the music, ask how long they dance...
    just give it a try, i wish you good look :D
  11. tacad

    tacad New Member

    So when you're in a new place you just walk up to people and start talking with them? I'm working on this. I did this Tuesday night but not last night. It's much more fun to talk to people and not only dance.
  12. luh

    luh Active Member

    yeah, that's what i do. The only thing i can do. When you are going to a place - alone. You do dance, but after a while, you feel kinda strange. I also do talk while dancing a little. take them into side by side charleston, talk a little, and if it feels alright, i go later on to her, and talk.
    Swing ettiquette helps leaders, you are considered to bring the follower back to her seat. So if you talked already, and bring her back, talking maybe while bringing her back, than just take a seat and sit down, and talk. talking to one of a group can help enourmously.

    remembering, that i asked one lady, and afterwards, all the friends of her asked me for a dance :D. And with some of them i'm still in contact. :D
  13. africana

    africana New Member

    I don't why but I just don't like "talking up" people before or after dancing with them, in fact I don't like talking if I don't have to and I don't feel like it

    Unless they are really interesting people, if they seem sorta bright. You have to understand, in many salsa scenes the best dancers aren't what I'd consider ultimate conversation partners :roll: so any attempt at being deep is often short lived, as it should be cos I want to dance

    And that's perfect cos I can "hit n run" - dance with em, and ditch em right after :p Although there are those few guys (and gals) who occassionally talk the ear off. So maybe I'll just nod my head and feign mild interest :oops: :lol:

    -Actually the most annoying thing about trying to strike up a conversation in a club is the fact that I have to shout over the loud music (which I'd probably rather be dancing to) in order to say anything meaningfully in reply.

    But there are some exceptions...
  14. Pebbles

    Pebbles New Member

    It's nice of you to hold such high opinions of your fellow dancers.
  15. africana

    africana New Member

    it is what it is :?
  16. alemana

    alemana New Member

    relieved to hear i am not the only one with this opinion.. and here i thought they didn't want to talk to *me* because i'm some kind of freak.
  17. africana

    africana New Member

    being a freak is ok :lol: it certainly more interesting

    dancing necessitates having separate lives: my dancing life with people I wouldn't hang with and my "normal" life with "normal" people
  18. It appears to me that sometimes, the "women asking men" to dance thing will vary from locale to locale based on supply and demand. I think in some places, the followers outnumber the leads that it results in there being no stigma attached to ladies asking the men to dance.

    I myself haven't asked a man to dance (if I have then I don't remember it). When I go out dancing, most of the time I find myself having to beg people to let me sit out a song so I can catch my breath. I attribute this phenomenon to the fact that there are so many leads wanting to get their groove on that the women at most of the clubs here don't have to wait very long to be asked :)

    Aside from the fact that like many women, I have been socially programmed to wait to be pursued, I am hesitant asking a man to dance for another reason: I feel there is a certain inconsistency in my taking the initiative to ask for the dance and then, upon reaching the dance floor, relinquishing all control of the dance to the lead as I'm supposed to do since I'm the follower. It's kind of like inviting people to come over for a dinner party and then relinquising control to the guests regarding the dinner's menu, time, location, entertainment etc. I personally feel that if I ask, I have to host and it's hard to host a dance when I'm not leading it--does that make sense?
  19. alemana

    alemana New Member

    very interesting! never thought of it that way!

    i have to say, for myself, getting over my hesitation to ask was pretty much the turning point in my social dance career. but people are different and i appreciate that not every follower desires to construct her social dancing in this way.
  20. africana

    africana New Member

    this makes a lot of sense to me, have thought about it too!

    Maybe that's why my asking has to do with with particular skills or style the lead has, and how well it meshes with my current mood (yes it's all about me :p )

    Sorta like choosing and ordering something specific from a menu at the restaurant, you have some expectation of what you might get.
    A little different if someone else picks the restaurant and orders for you. I'll compare that to when I get asked and I have no idea what to expect (yeah bad analogy but you see what I mean?)

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