Dancers Anonymous > Tactful Way to Make It Clear that You Are in a Relationship/Not Interested?

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by BM, Apr 3, 2007.

  1. quixotedlm

    quixotedlm New Member

    there are two things here - the manner of communication, and the content of communication.

    you only have control over the manner in which you communicate, and how you can expect him to perceive your method of communication. As long as it is respectful and considerate, you are in good standing before the Gods of Etiquette and Kindness.

    you don't have any control over how he will react to the content of your communication. if you express (dis)interest, he might want just the opposite and react to it with some form of sadness. You have no control over mitigating such a response - so just suck it up and deliver the message. If your message causes him unhappiness, there is nothing to prevent him from also recognizing the fact that you did so gracefully and kindly - and that will only make him thankful for your tact. If he can't see it, then he is clearly woolheaded and you will be free to feel vindicated.
     
  2. DancinAnne

    DancinAnne New Member

    I agree. Once aware of the sitch, he might choose to walk away and that does not make him un-gentlemanly. It can be difficult to be around someone you like that way, if they don't like you that way back. It should be okay for him to gracefully exit, if that's what he thinks is best.
     
  3. spectator

    spectator Member

    Thanks, this is reassuring, it's amazing how in so many partsof life one can be very forthright up to the point of being down right cheeky, but in others completely at a loss...
     
  4. SPratt74

    SPratt74 New Member

    But see, to me it doesn't matter what the guy thinks. If the girl has made up her mind, then as a gentleman, he should respect that. If she doesn't want to be friends, then he should just let go completely. It's not up to him to be friends with her if she doesn't want that. A guy shouldn't force himself on a girl whether wishful thinking or not of getting together in the future. That also isn't up for him to decide. I think that as a girl, I have to make myself clear that I don't want anything to do with you. As a guy you have to just take what I have to say and live with it. Otherwise, things are bound to become very complicated for both the guy and the girl later on. It's best to listen to what the one person has to say and live with it. And I'm not saying this about guys, because the same thing could be said about girls too.
     
  5. SPratt74

    SPratt74 New Member

    Now this post, I will agree with. ;)
     
  6. SPratt74

    SPratt74 New Member

    Yep, I agree. ;)
     
  7. quixotedlm

    quixotedlm New Member

    actually, what i meant was that it's possible that she might choose to accept such a friendship anyway. it is still the guys prerogative, within gentlemanly limits, to propose that they continue their friendship even though he is unwilling to change his intentions. and the gal might choose to go ahead with that. see, reality can be even more imaginative than hypothetical discussions :). I'm actually in a situation where she is wanting to be friends with me being very aware of the fact that i won't see her as just a friend and will continue to try to win her over. i think the way she sees it, she will pervade and change my mind, and if i choose to continue the friendship, i'll have to do so under the hope that i'll pervade and change her mind. i'm just not taking her up on this offer, that's all.

    complicated is not necessarily a bad thing, at least from my PoV. I dont' mind a complicated life as long as it holds more promise for happiness than an uncomplicated life. but that's just my philosophy in life.
     
  8. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    if complication makes you happy, then it makes you happy... IME, tho, clear & simple creates a level of peace & well-being that no amount of complication & angst could ever compete with. to my mind, if i know what i want and support that & move in that direction all the time, simplicity always emerges... and happiness. complication to me is a sign that i've been unclear & irresponsible with my intentions & choices. just me...
     
  9. SPratt74

    SPratt74 New Member

    This makes sense, and I agree. But men should be gentleman no matter what... not just with limits.

    This is why I don't stay in friendships with x's that may still have feelings for me. In time, things may change. In fact, a couple of my x's have wrote me and thought that I hated them. I said no. I just didn't want to have my intentions confused with their emotions at the time, so I strayed away. Now, they are married, and are really good friends. But usually, one person will have feelings left over while the other person doesn't. Then it can become very complicated. I had this happen to me, and it went from bad to worse.

    Complicated yes in terms that don't deal with your emotions is fine by me. If I know that my emotions will become affected by what is going on, then no thanks. ;)
     
  10. quixotedlm

    quixotedlm New Member


    <strike that>To each their own</strike that>



    On second thoughts, our views are not differrent at all. See above post that I made about my recent experience. As a result of beign clear about what I want, I've courted a complication. I'll continue seeing her,and occasionally (more like regularly, or about 2-3 times a week!) dance with her too. I can choose to cut that out too, but that will make for awkwardness, and in my mind, indicate that the connection that we share(d) was fake. That wasn't the case, so I'll continue acknowledging her and be nice to her, even if it causes me heartache. Maybe someday, I won't feel attracted to her and the doors will still remain open to recreate our friendship - thus increasing the potential for happiness in my life.

    But by walking away from being an active freind today, I'm creating simplicity in my life, relatively speaking.

    Complexity and simplicity are not mutually exclusive always. Sometimes, they can be (ironically) complementary.

    That can make life plenty complicated ;)
     
  11. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    quite the opposite, actually... :D
     
  12. quixotedlm

    quixotedlm New Member

    I changed my post. reread it now :)
     
  13. SPratt74

    SPratt74 New Member

    Haha... toooooooo late. You can't take it back now!!! I'm just having some fun with you. But I think that Samina already quoted your old version lol. I've had that happen to me too, and I'm like wow that was fast lol. I can't change what I've said now lol. ;)

    But on topic though, when it comes to complications and life, it's like what your quote said about to each his own. Some people can handle complications better than others. Some people can only handle their limits (sort of like me). It doesn't make any person better than the other. So, to me it's not a big deal about who is right and who is wrong. ;)
     
  14. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    being clear about something can certainly precipitate a lot of fallout in life... things falling away, shifting, etc.

    but when i'm clear, nothing feels complicated at all because my response to or view of the situation is unified rather than dual. might feel complicated to some else if they're not clear about what's going on... but that's for them to sort out. ;)

    WRT relationships, i think it's very common to make things unnecessarily complicated... so much energy wasted tip-toeing around issues, avoiding candor, or refusing to let something be what it is or isn't. in my book, simplicity rules when it comes to relationships...
     
  15. SPratt74

    SPratt74 New Member

    I'm so with you on that one! I think that true love shouldn't be hard while I know others that do. ;)
     
  16. spectator

    spectator Member

    Wow, this is getting quite heavy! my concern wasn't that I might break the guy's heart more that in Europe they all think English girls are drunken slut buckets. has anyone come across people who confuse enjoying dancing together with wanting to sleep with them? My ex boyfriend was absoloutely convinced of it (he was french so i don't know if it's a cultural thing) Is this a common perception?
     
  17. quixotedlm

    quixotedlm New Member

    it's not a common perception, or a cultural thing. but it's a commonly encountered challenge.

    http://www.dance-forums.com/showpost.php?p=411116&postcount=48

    The only way to overcome such a challenge is, AFAIk, candor. Of course, you can also try playing Daes Dae'mar ;)
     
  18. SPratt74

    SPratt74 New Member

    Yep. I knew of a guy that really wanted to learn dance. He talked about dancing more than I did! But he was afraid that if he danced with women that are married or whatever that the men would come after him. I mean he really thought that is what dancing was about. I was like, you have got to be kidding me. I tried convincing him otherwise, because I thought he might turn into a great partner if I got him on the dance floor. I even said that I would dance with him at group lessons and things, and I had it worked out with my instructors that no one else would be allowed to dance with him until he got used to it (unless it was an instructor of course). So, yes, it's common. ;)
     
  19. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    the tendency to think along those lines is likely universal for all backgrounds... if the person isn't clear that dancing is dancing. if dancing is in a person's mind just another way to be close in hopes of segueing into more contact... then sure. works both ways, IME... certainly not necessarily the domain of men to think along those lines...
     
  20. SPratt74

    SPratt74 New Member

    Yep. That is very true. ;)
     

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