Tango Argentino > Tango and relationship

Discussion in 'Tango Argentino' started by fazz, Nov 20, 2010.

  1. fazz

    fazz New Member

    Hi all im new here, so hello :together:

    I've been dancing tango since april this year and has experiened a tango relationship and broke up as well ....I broke up with the guy. We're both dancing tango.

    I've just realised that I consider my spouse personal space is mine and mine is his so I'm really not into all these changing partner thingy. I also hate to see that he chooses woman on the dance floor and worse he has a LOT of female friends because of Tango altough I'm his first gf from tango. Plus doing workshop abroad etc. ( yes he is a tango addict and i'm a beginner). That was a real crap as i was devastated for months because it was the most perfect relationship I have ever had when tango is not on the scene.

    I love tango for the dance itself but I cant tolerate my partner to be in such a close embrace ( and the movement.....you know the advanced ones) and asking girl around to dance , it just seem to be wrong. I would happily give up to dance with other man if he wishes so. I think its fair considering how close Tango could be ( unless u dance with the same gender) and I'm to the perspective that when im in a commited relationship then my personal space is my spouse's and his is mine.

    So for the future, I either have a relationship with a tango dancer with the same perspective ( well maybe some adjustment if needed but that's the bottomline) or I would date non dancer and give up my tango if he objects.

    So....hows your policy regarding tango and your personal relationship?

    Thanks folks :cheers:
  2. dchester

    dchester Moderator Staff Member

    My wife and I will typically dance the first couple of tandas with each other, and then after that we'll separate and do our own thing. If I spend too much time with her, then a lot of the guys will not ask her to dance. She has stated that she doesn't go to milongas to dance with me. To be honest, there was a time when I would ask people to dance with her, as she's in a good mood when she gets a lot of dances, and I'm usually the beneficiary when we get home.


    Basically, if you are the jealous type, then tango is not the dance for you.
  3. Lioness

    Lioness Well-Known Member

    My partner and I don't dance AT, but at ordinary ballroom socials, we sort of have a policy. We'll dance any dance with other people except Tango and Rumba, because neither he nor I are comfortable with the closeness of each dance and other people.

    I imagine it would be different if we were AT dancers, because we'd be...used to it, I guess. Conditioned to see it as dancing, rather than something with a romantic connection. But as it stands, we prefer not to dance Tango or Rumba with anyone else but each other.

    EDIT: Looking at it closer.
    It's not because we're worried that the other one will be lured away by the greener grass. It's a matter of comfort, and us not being able to separate dance emotion from romantic emotion. It also depends on the guy. I will dance a rumba or tango with my dance teacher, because I'm comfortable with him. The same goes for a couple of other men. But the vast majority I'm not comfortable with.
  4. fazz

    fazz New Member

    Dchester : you're a destined tango couple then ;D

    Lioness: I understand what you are saying...I always said to him "how could you dance like that with someone you dont know" i just find it repulsive...like he is being that easy. I only dance in close embrace with experienced dancer /teacher because usually they are professional enough and can lead properly so its tolerable ( which is very rare) and I do open embrace in general.

    The facts that he opposed to be too close with other people shows his appreaciation and respect to your existence really....which is not present in mine !

    keep them coming folks :) !
  5. Lioness

    Lioness Well-Known Member

    Fazz...I think you maybe misinterpreted my post.

    I would be completely cool with him dancing Tango with other people. He doesn't dance tango because it gets him closer to other people. It's not about romantic or sexual feelings; it's about the dance.
    However, different people have different levels of comfort, and different emotions that they get from a dance. It's fine if he enjoys dancing tango with other people, and it's fine that you don't like dancing tango with other people. But I think that if he says that he doesn't find it romantic or sexual in any way, then that's fine too.

    As DChester said...tango and jealousy don't mix. If you have a problem with your romantic partner dancing tango with other people, then sit down and talk to him. Tell him that you feel a little jealous, and work out a compromise.
  6. fazz

    fazz New Member

    @ Lioness : "He doesn't dance tango because it gets him closer to other people" is it the same meaning as "how could you dance like that with someone you dont know" ?

    so I'm hoping that my partner would also object to have strangers step into his personal space ( because I would hope that he only wants me there and not other people) ...... I would read it it the same way as what you said if I'm not mistaken : )
  7. c955

    c955 New Member

    We also know that an emotional connection doesn't automatically lead to a good dance connection. How do you feel if/when your partner encounters one of those blissful tandas with a complete stranger (or indeed another regular) and wants to share all the detail?!

    As DC said, tango and a jealous streak are a very bad combo, unless the pair of you only ever dance with each other or have a 'safe list' of who you can dance with i.e. established group of leaders/followers who all know each other.

    This is why they say tango is a feeling, not just a load of moves...which can be interpreted in many ways! ;-)
  8. Mladenac

    Mladenac Well-Known Member

    The longer you dance I believe it will matter less to you.
    You didn't write how long you have been dancing AT.

    My teachers at the beginning talked about tango and personal space.
    And they said it could be a problem when we start close embrace.

    Sometimes I get better energy response with some dancers in open embrace that close.
    Closeness and intimacy are not defined by the distance of dancers.
  9. fazz

    fazz New Member

    c955 : yes the connection is what also annoys me......I want to be the only one having such connection with him ( and hope he does so) i mean its too private so share such connection with other people, because we are special to each other?

    one of my " compromise proposal " was also to make a list of people he can dance with.... ( as he has no list of mine because really when he is around I litteraly dont want to dance with anybody, and if anybody ask me to dance I cant even dance properly because deep inside me i feel guilty if i experience the connection and comfort with other man. But anyway I always naturally...somehow ....even my head want to dance but my heart does not and just expressing it somehow in my body language that I end up nobody /very few asked me to dance haha)

    so actually we know some nice not flirtatious husband and wife couple that are very proper and polite and I have them in the list. But the fact that he is a tango addict....haha you can guess.....its not enough to dance weekly in a local milonga he even take day off from office for festivals!!

    OMG this is like 180 degree difference im the jealous type and he is overdo tango lol.

    Love all yr replies ;)
  10. fazz

    fazz New Member

    Mladenac : he has been dancing tango for 3 years and I'm since april this year with vacum of 3 months ...has been dancing tango again for a month now after split up.

    as for me i prefer close embrace as it is more clear and more comfortable but i want to share my personal space with someone special :)

    well pretty much like sex you know its only good when you do it with someone you love....

    having said that how can I let my man tango w other woman *Sigh*
  11. Nathan

    Nathan Member

    It takes some getting used to, but I think that it's a very important step in becoming a skilled tango dancer. Most couples I've observed who have the attitude you are professing tend to remain bad dancers because they focus more on the intimacy of the connection itself rather than using the connection to communicate, so they never truly learn how to dance with each other. In other words, the connection is a means to an end, not an end in itself.
  12. Joe

    Joe Well-Known Member

    I think tango is a social dance, and if you only want to dance with your SO, why are you going out to milongas? Why not just stay home and put on some music in your own house?
  13. fazz

    fazz New Member

    correction : i have been dancing since february this year .... :p
    Nathan : that's true....and he is already accomplished. I think it's the same concept as in life, you gain experience to get the special one and when you get the one then either you dump it to gain more experience or settle there ;)
    Joe: I love dancing in private ( altough we have no space for that one) and but milonga brings different athmosphere....maybe its like you eating in or eating out, both has its own athmosphere ;) .... or you go to the beach this week and go to the movie next week or wathing TV at home the other week, all are good as long as it is for two :)

    edit : ok I mean when we meant to do something together it would expect im the special one and not going somewhere seeing him doing "that" ( read: tango and all those fancy physical and emotional connection thing)...bottomline its my personal space there used by other woman. Just need to elaborate more in case I sounds like I dont give him space for him and his friends etc...

    Mladenac : apparently my reply to you has to be approved by the moderator first, :D
  14. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    My husband is mature regarding my dancing with other people.

    I would leave him if he were as jealous, possessive, insecure and controlling as to even try to tell me to give up something I love for those sorts of reasons.
  15. fazz

    fazz New Member

    Peaches : lol thats good for you then !
  16. dchester

    dchester Moderator Staff Member

    This is a good point.

    Fazz, assuming your partner is not the jealous type, I'd encourage you to seek out some really good close embrace dancers and dance with them. Once you find someone who is a good fit your personal style, and you experience the "tango connection", your perspective might change.

    Either that, or you'll dump you partner and run away with this new guy.


    (just kidding)
  17. Wow. Seriously? I'm glad my wife's not like that with me :/
    Very well put. Do you mind if I steal your line? :)
  18. fazz

    fazz New Member

    dchester : thanks for encouragement :) yeah i had tango connection before i met him and i wished i did that with my romantic partner ! but thanks for yr suggestion :)

    I think my issue is that i want to give my space only for him and im kinda opposed to the idea that he does not even bother to secure his space for me..... . Other than that yes jealousy as well to see him physically ( and emotionally as in the conenction thingy) close with another woman.

    tango-go dancer : that's great means you have found the right one for you :)

    i think most tango couple ready to share their partners and more tolerable about the personal space thingy..... I dont know, I never dance seductively like rubbing leg or whatever its just inappropriate to do , I think......esp if I dance with somebody else SO. But of course it is something that you CAN do ,, its just with who.....And I dont wanna do that with ....strangers.

    Its not just the dance actually.....if you separate per element then you see some are heavy some are light but if everything then put together its a heavy stuff....ok worst case so you come to a milonga, cheek kisses then you sit, then someone do the cabaceo and my bf dont really excuse himself he just stand and go with that woman, to ..yeah close embrace with the risk of you know those advanced moves....other scenario would be girls coming to him pretending to talk to him and suddenly they two go dancing.....everything is just so tiring. I want to know that he is with me, because he come with me. Its just the feeling that im being left for other woman and I dont even know what's gonna happen for the next 5 minutes...suddenly he is gone or whatever.

    If the objective to come to a milonga is not to dance with the partner you come with then its ok. But usually we went to a milonga as a couple and I want to stay as a couple. Its like you went to public with a date its really rude to leave your date and go with other opposite sex isnt it. Its like when you go with someone you always tell them what to do, so they know what you are doing.

    simple example, when you go to the mall with your spouse you dont expect him to suddenly go to the toilet without telling you or go to the next store without telling you. And its worse because they go for woman and not for a toilet or next store :p

    well I come to a conclusion that milonga is not a great place to date haha. 3 months before the day I didnt do any tango and I dont wanna come to any tango scenes, what's the point to go with him if he just left me to do stuff w other woman.

    Ok he and I have different perspective then about milonga...

    I think its about different perspective and expectations about coming as a couple to a milonga ( or any tango scenes basically).

    Its great for couples who both fine with the tango intimacy and all those "social" stuff between man and woman thingy, Its just i want something exclusive between my partner and I .

    So yeah I wonder about others stories if they ever have issues and how they resolve it - what kind of compromise or policy if any - for coupples who happen to struggle with it. I think its fine if both are fine.

    As in marriage some are prefer to get married some just live together. Some do proper marriage some do open marriage.

    In my case I think.... well as I said its about preference, so I dont think I need to sacrifice myself forcing myself to see something I dont like for the rest of my life and I think I have a solid case, it is other woman he is touching not about other issues. Yes I'm a jealous and possesive, but Its worsen with tango between us. I'm ok with talking to female friends but not more.

    I think its a matter of preference, but when a couple expectation clashes I would like to know how people resolve it ... Like what kind of compromise they come up to and even that they still have to overcome with the jealousy, so i suppose they just live with it or something.... and how ridiculous is tango for a couples if they want to change partners... please dont get upset folks, unfortunately you are here because most of you are tango couples or non jealous type or something so maybe the input wouldnt be objective.

    But I wish I could gain stories and learning from other perspective and experiences regarding this matter. Most couple who cant stand tango are either off from the tango scene or split up. We cant really hear from them because most likely they won't be exist here : ) , but if you do have some experiences please do share :)

    sorry long post ;)
  19. Mosca Negra

    Mosca Negra New Member

    Argentine Tango is not for everyone.
  20. Zoopsia59

    Zoopsia59 Well-Known Member

    There's NO ONE in the tango community I have the slightest bit of romantic interest in. Dancing with them doesn't change the fact that I am not at all interested in hooking up with them.

    Wait... there is one guy...
    He's my partner.
    And when we dance together, we typically end up in a disagreement about the cause of something that went wrong! Dancing together hasn't been romantic for us in quite a long time. Several other couples I know spend most of their time dancing with other people for exactly this same reason.

    Frankly, AT is a rather hard dance to master and it's not very romantic while you're still struggling with that mastery.

    If I ever get past the point of struggling with mastery, I'll let you know if it's romantic then....

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