The Innocent Crush, another perspective

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by PretzelsAndBeer, Sep 30, 2008.

  1. The crush on the teacher; yes, I know this has been discussed at length on DF numerous times. I want to add my two bits.

    First, I admit it. She's beautiful, wonderfully talented, smart, charming; how could I not have a crush? It's an innocent thing, more like a glowing ember than a fusion reactor. And I'm not the only one. At every competition or showcase I hear comments; "she's so beautiful in that dress", "look how graceful she is", "she's unreal". Two women overheard; first woman, "her high school students just love her;" second woman, "does anyone not?" This is just to show that my feelings are not unjustified. And did I mention she's beautiful? She can make a man temporarily lose the power of speech.

    So what does one do?

    In my case, for reasons I won't go into here, no relationship is possible between us other than dancing. So what do you do with the backlog of emotional energy generated by your feelings of affection, your "crushness"?

    The approach I hit upon, after a period of some frustration and confusion, has two parts. The first, the obvious, is to channel that energy into dance. Translate the passion into motion. Dance for her. Not that it's easy, especially for a box-o'-rocks like me, but it's a goal.

    The second part takes place off the dance floor. I decided that I would strive to carry on my civilian life in ways that Dear Teacher, were she aware of them, would respect or be impressed by, even though in fact she never witnesses any of it. This does not mean I'm trying to be Joe Superhero on a daily basis. It means, for one example, if I have a choice between sitting in front of the TV with a bag of chips, or riding my bike, which would be the more meaningful choice? Daily life is full of small choices like that, and my feelings for dancing in general and Dear Teacher in particular are some of the data points I bring to bear on the decisions.

    Six weeks ago I took a long difficult hike to the summit of Long's Peak in Colorado; a 16 mile hike with about a mile of vertical elevation gain, most of it above the treeline. Twelve hours trailhead to trailhead. To greatly understate the case, this was a gut-buster. At the summit there is a logbook in which I wrote, "Fulfilled a dream of 24 years. But really it's for ----, angel on Earth."

    Vast reserves of strength come from mysterious sources. So let's dance.
  2. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    Aw, P&B...I can the warmth of your heartfelt sentiment from here. I am very touched.

    I can see that she's inspiring you to be a better man, so however you manage your emotion, she's a gift for you...and clearly you know that.

    May the connection bring you only joy. *hug*

    And welcome out of DF lurkdom. ;)
  3. Laura

    Laura New Member

    Wow PB...I've never met anyone in real life who has a Muse...but she is your Muse.
  4. emeralddancer

    emeralddancer Active Member

    This just gave me warm fuzzies all over. WOW
  5. etp777

    etp777 Active Member

    GOod post P&B. Thanks for sharing.
  6. MissBallroomBear

    MissBallroomBear Active Member

    Grr.. I'm all gooey and mushy now. That's one of the sweetest things I've ever heard.

    Something similar happened to me when I started dancing. In a nutshell: I had a crush on the instructor but hated dancing. The only reason I continued was to improve and impress him, even though I knew nothing could ever happen. I did improve and found that I fell in love with the dance instead of the guy.;)
  7. hamstersphere

    hamstersphere New Member

    Me too.
  8. Angel HI

    Angel HI Active Member

    Welcome again to the DF, P&B.

    Here's the deal from a guy's POV. You have answered the questions very well on your own, and brilliantly. You appear very together, mostly by 1. knowing that the real dream is not her, but a desire to be a better you, and, 2. by being very respectful to her in the process. Many of us, on both sides, have been there w/ our teachers.

    Huge kudos to you, dude.

    I am a firm believer in, that which we truly need comes to us when we truly need it...if our focus remains clear and clean of heart. Seems as though your "Angel" came to you at exactly the right time. Thank God that you have the foresight to recognize the gift, and have the insight to know that they are placed in our lives for many reasons, the physical often being the most superficial.

    Lastly, your fulfilled dream of 24 years.... was for P&B, with great thanks for and to "--- angel on earth."
  9. Purr

    Purr Well-Known Member

    That's a wonderful story. :)
  10. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    well I hate to be the one to say othwise but I will...from my own perspective I tried very hard to take the same path...dance for him...be the best person I can be for him...and you know what? the more I did that, the less there was of me and the angrier I got and more frustrated that it wasn't noticed or repcirocated...sure, harnassing that energy made me a darn good dancer much more quickly than if I had done something destructive with it...and I also lost 50 pounds and a host of other things that were beneficial...it didn't change the fact that inside I was in agony...almost contiuously... and it infected our dynamic regardless of my best attempts....truly the only thing that really helped was removal from the situation...which, after a few months of unprecidented hell, brought a detachment and clarity that otherwise would not have been possible...you will have to forgive me for not not feeling all warm and fuzzy about your story...I do admire your quest and your approach...trust me, I know how incredibly hard it can be...but, I fear, you must dance for YOU, and be a better man for you or you may very well stay frustrated and eventually resentful...just as these things often start due to the contact and the romance of it all, they are, albeit more painfully cured, by the absence of it...granted, most of us don't really want to be cured on some level, even if we intellectually never wanted the crush to begin with....you will be in my thoughts P and B...and if you would ever like to p.m I will be a confidential ear for you...my empathy and kudos to you for your valiant attempts but I still cannot condone them as I have been there and paid the price(the horrific price) for trying ...hug
  11. Purr

    Purr Well-Known Member

    Everyone's experience is different, and you have to take the good and the bad with each. There was good with your experience. You mentioned the rapid improvement in dancing, the weight loss, and other things. From your stories, I'm sure you had many good memories of practice and competing with your former pro. And you made the decision to keep dancing, so somewhere along the way the dancing wasn't for him anymore; it was and became for you. :friend:
  12. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    thanks...sure, I don't minimize at all the many happy memories or the progress...but, I can tell you that I wouldn't do it all over again as the pain outwieghed everything but my love of dancing ...and it didn't do him any favors either...my only point is that there is a limit to how long one can be in that sort of agony, however positively one manages to harness it...but of course, FP was also my friend and I miss the fun we had and the dancing...but I don't miss the pain...and I am only saying that getting distance on it was the only thing that created the level of detachment neccessary to be healthy again...a shame that the dance relationship had to be the casualty....but that too has had it's up side on a variety of fronts probably for both of us(we had other issues beyond the crush, perhaps even more significant ones on some counts).......but I don't want to get into my story, I only share it as a cautionary and empathetic note to OP
  13. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    thanks for sharing so candidly, fasc.

    crushes are certainly not uncommon, and if one spend a lot of time with that crush every week...it can be grueling.

    P&B, i hope you'll continue to do what you need to do to take care of yourself...i don't believe i've ever heard someone say that the spell was...dispelled...without having stepped away from the relationship.
  14. Standarddancer

    Standarddancer Well-Known Member

    Very nice story, thanks for sharing! and welcome to DF!
  15. Stagekat

    Stagekat Member

    [FONT=&quot]WOW... so succinctly put... and such an echo of my own attitude towards dance! I knew I wasn't the only one to be fortunate enough to have a dance instructor that unwittingly doubles as a muse and souce for inspiration :)

    Welcome to the DF and Happy Dancing!!!
    [/FONT]
  16. Samina, thanks for the comments. And the rest of you too, thanks for the comments and the warm welcome.

    I wouldn't say the spell has been dispelled, only that it isn't troubling or frustrating. I try hard to treat my teacher with all the respect she deserves and to keep our relationship at the appropriate level. We've had lunch and dinner together a few times at competitions and got to know each other a little aside from dancing. I complement her fairly often, after all I'm not a monk. She complements me sometimes too, and then I have difficulty breathing.

    As for my private feelings, actually I rather enjoy the experience. It's very energizing and inspiring.

    She has an almost magical talent for coaxing beginners to get outside their own perceived limitations and insecurities. I walked into my first lesson pretty sure I wouldn't succeed, and walked out believing I would eventually be able to compete, which I have since done with not too disgraceful results. This summer we did a solo waltz before a large audience at a huge competition, something that would have been as unimaginable to me two years earlier as a square circle.

    Did I mention she's beautiful? Don't remember if I said that yet.
  17. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    and this seems to me the key... if you are deeply inspired but experience no angst, you are free, my friend. :)

    besides being a muse, she sounds almost like an enlivening enzyme you needed in your life to catalyze the growth & evolution you've been craving. :)
  18. nucat78

    nucat78 Active Member

    And then some.

    One piece of unsolicited advice PB. If you find ever yourself unhappy or upset more than happy around this person or your day is being made or destroyed by her words, actions, etc, close the door and walk away for whatever length of time it takes to regain your sanity and sense of self. Another door will open, hopefully one that is beneficial to you and the other person. And I speak not just from dance experiences.

    FWIW.
  19. That's brilliant!

    It never occurred to me to think of our relationship in metabolic terms, but it works.
  20. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    my own pro does that for me...in spades. :)

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