Dancers Anonymous > Weight

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by _malakawa_, Aug 21, 2008.

  1. cornutt

    cornutt Well-Known Member

    I had someone tell me a while back that it's pointless to challenge raw emotions. They are what they are, and there's nothing for it. To challenge whether a particular emotion is "valid" is like trying to determine if the weather is "valid"... it's a question that isn't worth asking because no useful answer exists. What matters is what we do in response to emotion.

    I may have lost the thread here, but I disagree that people who can always absolve their own actions are happier in the long run. The purpose of bad feelings is to teach us not to do stuff that's bad for us. We have a word for people who never have any bad feelings about anything they do -- the word is "sociopath". As I said, I may have missed your meaning; there's a big difference between accepting that what has happened has happened and learning from the experience; and simply denying that one's own actions ever have any effect on anyone/anything else.
     
  2. mamboqueen

    mamboqueen Well-Known Member

    I agree. The stuff in the "new age outlook" that never sits well with me is an absolution of responsibility for hurting others. It's all well and good to not let someone's nastiness towards you effect you and try to look at it as though it's their "stuff" to deal with, don't take it personally, yadda yadda, but it doesn't then make it okay to go and be nasty to someone because that person should be doing the same.
     
  3. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    there's a new age outlook that encourages being nasty to others? i have a lot of criticism about "new age" stuff, but usually it's along the lines of how numbing and devoid of discrimination all that "love & light"-ness is.
     
  4. mamboqueen

    mamboqueen Well-Known Member

    No; that's not what I was saying. What I've always had trouble with is the concept of not taking things personally and letting other people's actions be their own stuff, and then assuming everyone else should be the same way, not really caring about what you do or say that might be hurtful. I'm not meaning that there is something that says "go and be nasty"....but what I have heard from some people when discussing this is to do what you want to do and not worry about how it impacts others.

    Sorry...just blubbering at this point. I've had these discussions and sometimes they just leave me scratching my head.
     
  5. cornutt

    cornutt Well-Known Member

    Well, I think that's where MQ was going. It teaches you to feel good about yourself no matter what, so there is no dis-motivation from hurting others.
     
  6. Larinda McRaven

    Larinda McRaven Site Moderator Staff Member

    I am not saying other people do not behave badly.
    I am not saying be actionless.

    If you are at knife point and the attacker says they are going to cut off your hand, and you don't want to loose your hand... run! If the sales girl is being nasty to you and you don't want to be treated that way, leave. If the car next to you has a crazy driver honking desperate to get past you on the highway pull aside and let them go. Because to sit and endure someone elses harrassment is just plain crazy too.

    Even Buddhist monks will protest.
     
  7. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    well...there is an element of that i actually agree with, to the extent that one is devoid of the intention to harm and is genuinely respectful. beyond that, you could spend your entire life walking on eggshells so as not to unwittingly trigger the emotional landmines that lurk within the people around you.

    being gentle & supportive is one value...so is trusting that people can be responsible for & handle their own issues. IME, it can be challenging to navigate the balance between those two.
     
  8. mamboqueen

    mamboqueen Well-Known Member

    so true! even the best dance shoes can't help you around that one ;)
     
  9. Ithink

    Ithink Active Member

    I just want to say that this is such a good discussion, beyond the "weight" of it all. I am learning a lot and I just want to say that doing what Sam and Larinda are generally advocating during some recent personal turmoil has made me come out of it quicker and be stronger and happier on the other side. It really works to try to unwind that fisherman's net and see what's inside and really think through (as opposed to continue reacting emotionally) how to best deal with it rationally.
     
  10. Larinda McRaven

    Larinda McRaven Site Moderator Staff Member

    I don't think anyone can control or stop their emotions, who would want to be a zombie anyway. But you can with time feel their effects less viscerally (sp). When someone does something and I react violently inside I say to myself "HEY Thats Really Pissing Me Off!" Recognizing/addressing your emotions directly sorta diffusses them. Then I say very slowly and pointedly at myself "All right I am Mad... now what?" And the only sensible thing to do at that point is walk. I don't try to not be mad. I recognize that I am mad. In time when you begin to see anger instead of reacting to it and it doesn't have nearly the same grip over you.
     
  11. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    yes, it's common to get "love & light" people who are deeply passive aggressive, and come out attacking sidewise. very, very common. but i don't think it's because they're telling themselves it's okay to feel good no matter what -- i think it's deeper than that.

    gentleness & integrity are very deep core values that reveal themselves pretty quickly as soon as one's emotions become intense, especially when one perceives attack. inner character is revealed when one chooses to lash out (or not), either overtly or covertly.
     
  12. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    :p:p
     
  13. Laura

    Laura New Member

    Oh freakin' yeah.
     
  14. Larinda McRaven

    Larinda McRaven Site Moderator Staff Member

    You know when you get really scared, someone jumps out and yells "BOO", you felt that tightening of your chest and a quick little sharp jump of "energy" there. That is the drug/hormone Adrenaline being released directly from your heart muscle. (Usually it comes from your kidneys I think)

    But if you can recognize that same feeling of the hormone flowing through you when you are mad, it is kinda fun to listen to the feelings of your body and know that it is just adrenaline. Your bodys reaction to a percieved threat, your fight or flight response.
     
  15. Laura

    Laura New Member

    Adrenaline comes from the adrenal glands.
     
  16. mamboqueen

    mamboqueen Well-Known Member

    I liked that enough to --> ;) (see below)

    Could have used those words Saturday morning. Geez, I usually don't react that much when someone pushes my buttons, but I had a rare and unattractive response to something (funny, at the end of the day, it was dance-related) said to me and I just let him have it. Definitely not one of my finer moments.
     
  17. Larinda McRaven

    Larinda McRaven Site Moderator Staff Member

    Yes, and that would be with the kidneys I thought. But in an immediate respose required situation the heart produces it too. And you can feel it when it happens. Kinda cool.
     
  18. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    that's great, ithink. glad you moved thru your challenge quickly. that's always a relief. :)

    you reminded me of something...i remember hearing some criticism years back of people following this path, that they become "self-involved" -- the person was so offended by the navel-contemplating self-absorption she saw quite commonly. and it was then that the image of the fisherman's net came to mind, because it *is* self-absorption, it *does* require a withdrawal from others and from distractions and from what is going on externally, so that one can process the feelings & thoughts to their core. and so i discovered that "self-absorption" can actually be a very positive quality at times.

    we tend to be trained in our culture that anything "selfish" is "bad". i wish more people would be so bad, lol...the world would be a much gentler & kinder place.
     
  19. mamboqueen

    mamboqueen Well-Known Member


    Heh..you're hitting right at the crux of the conversation I had with someone. And I do think to some degree we need to be in care of our selves not just for our own sake, but for others in dealing with us....but I always came back to the fact that I have others in life to consider and I can't always be thinking about me and what I want because because it may have an adverse effect on the people I care about the most ...and have responsibility to. Make sense? I'm so babbling here...
     
  20. Laura

    Laura New Member

    There is selfishness, and then what I like to think of as enlightened self-interest.
     

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