General Dance Discussion > Weirdo radar?

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by DanceMentor, Jan 20, 2016.

  1. DanceMentor

    DanceMentor Administrator

    Sometimes I think I lack a weirdo radar. There are some guys that I see at the dance that seem like such a nice people and I get to be friends with them. Then later I hear from some ladies who tell me some things that he did that were quite inappropriate.

    In this case it seems that whenever he dances with them he must inadvertently touch them in private areas. Another lady said that he walked her out to the car and in a strange way pressed his lower part toward her.

    I have noticed that whenever there is a new younger Lady he seems to be right there and introducing her to dancing. Now I'm watching him more carefully and wondering if he is scaring people away, but not sure it is my place to do anything about it.

    He seems like such a nice guy and I had no idea! Is this a skill that only Lady can have or do I need to upgrade my radar in some way?
  2. twnkltoz

    twnkltoz Well-Known Member

    Some guys have perfected the art of appearing to be a "nice guy," then using that to their advantage. It's a pretty neat trick, because it both gets ladies to let their guard down and makes their claims of harassment seem spurious. "Oh, Steve wouldn't do that! He's such a nice guy!"
    stash likes this.
  3. raindance

    raindance Well-Known Member

    If you aren't the target, he may act perfectly fine around you. Doesn't mean he is perfectly fine to have in the scene. It's a great way to scare off ladies, particularly single ones, and/or any that are his preferred targets (which might be young, pretty, vulnerable, or whatever). If ladies are telling you these things, believe them.
    scullystwin42 and Loki like this.
  4. MaggieMoves

    MaggieMoves Well-Known Member

    These guys are the worst, and unfortunately I've come across a few. My friend is friends with one of them, but he was always "inadvertently" touched my chest when we danced. He stopped giving excuses and just started smirking instead. The last time I almost used my knowledge of judo to throw him down on the floor. :mad:
  5. twnkltoz

    twnkltoz Well-Known Member

    I hope that was the last time you ever dance with him.
    MaggieMoves, Cal and stash like this.
  6. stash

    stash Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately they can be hard to spot unless they make it known. One of my friends ex boyfriend was one. I danced with him once, and steered clear of him until they stopped dating. He was such a creep. Though he was one of the more obvious butt heads. But yeah, sometimes it happens, but I would maybe talk to the person who runs the social, or have one of the women talk to one of the people who run the socials. This behavior should not be tolerated at all.
  7. MaggieMoves

    MaggieMoves Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately with the unavailability of leads, for some reason it's acceptable to put up with stuff like this. He knows I won't dance with him again, and now he plays innocent in front of my mutual friend. Since then I've stopped contact with her as a result as it's the only way to avoid him. I guess my ankle being hurt is a bit of a blessing in disguise as a result.
  8. newbie

    newbie Well-Known Member

    Nobody has. See all those scandals with pedophilie priests, no parent among the years ever had any clue. We had in our tango community a serial killer. Well he would meet the woman at milongas, marry her and then kill her to inherit.
    Nobody ever noticed anything.
  9. snapdancer

    snapdancer Well-Known Member

    How many victims, and how long between marriages? You'd think by the second one, the community would take notice.
  10. Joe

    Joe Well-Known Member

    Sounds like something someone should write a book (or a TV movie) about!
    Loki likes this.
  11. Loki

    Loki Well-Known Member

    What's your place in this, DM? Do you just want better awareness, confront people like that, toss them out, warn the women?

    I wrestle with some things/people that make my blood boil, but I'm not a cop, studio owner or designated protector. So what is one to do?
  12. twnkltoz

    twnkltoz Well-Known Member

    If you know someone is a creep, helping out the women by rescuing them before he can ask them to dance, walk them to their cars, step in if he seems to be cornering them for conversation, etc. Not that it's your responsibility necessarily, but those are ways you can help.

    In my WCS crowd, we used to have a "circle of trust." If someone none of us wanted to dance with approached one of us, someone would step in and dance with them to rescue them.
    scullystwin42 and stash like this.
  13. stash

    stash Well-Known Member

    We had a rescue system too for issues like this.
  14. Cal

    Cal Well-Known Member

    I guess I'm now at an age that, if some weirdo acts inappropriately while dancing with me, I'd just calmly tell him - "it's not appropriate to do "x" - stop doing "x." Then he can't claim that nobody ever told him it was wrong and he didn't know, blah, blah, blah. And if he plays all innocent about his actions/meaning or that I'm too sensitive or whatever, I just reiterate that it "it's inappropriate to do "x" and IF he truly didn't intend it he still needs to stop doing "x" because it is read by women as being inappropriate." And likely would not dance with him again.
    twnkltoz likes this.
  15. DanceMentor

    DanceMentor Administrator

    I don't own or manage the place(s) in question. There are at least 2 studios where this person goes. But some random things that go through my mind:
    1. How do know if this is correct what I heard?
    2. Why can't/won't the ladies take action since they are the ones that had the problem?
    3. It could impact my own reputation if I am wrong.
    4. Maybe there is someone who works at the studio I could confide in at least.
    5. Maybe I should ask other ladies about him in a way that doesn't come across as me playing detective.
    I definitely dislike the possibility that people may choose something other than ballroom dancing because the first thing they encountered was a creep. How unfortunate and sad!
  16. RiseNFall

    RiseNFall Well-Known Member

    Possible reasons why the ladies don't take action:
    -They are concerned that people won't believe them.
    -They are embarrassed.
    -They are worried that it will effect their reputation if they report it and are not believed, or even if they are believed and people think they are over-reaction.
    -They are new to dancing and aren't sure who to talk to.

    Always a difficult situation!
    stash and raindance like this.
  17. raindance

    raindance Well-Known Member


    I don't know the answers to all your questions, but seriously, this is not that uncommon of a thing to happen to ladies. If ladies are complaining, there is a high chance that it is actually happening. If multiple ladies are complaining about the same guy, it increases the odds further that it is a legit complaint - but really, one lady is already too many.

    There is a possibility that the problem is unintentional (e.g. a new lead that is still awkward with hand transitions grabbing the wrong place at the wrong moment by mistake). Typically if it is truly a mistake the lead will act embarrassed, horrified, apologetic, etc, and it won't happen again. And/or they will ask for guidance on how to avoid making that mistake again.

    Certainly look for someone in management at the studio to alert to the issue. You can say you have heard things second hand if you haven't observed it yourself. But it would be good for you to give people a heads up about what is going on. Hopefully someone will be able to take some action.

    As far as your reputation - the main reputation you will get is one of someone who will stand up for the ladies in the studio, is protective of them, and who won't let others get away with treating other people badly. That is a good thing for your reputation, IMO, though it may hurt your rep with the problem guys. (Being the guy who knew there were problems and said nothing is worse for your reputation, again IMO.)

    Good of you to ask about this and look into it. It can be a serious problem. If I were single and didn't have a largish group of protective friends to hang out with, I would not attend an event where such things were likely/possibly going to be a problem. More fun and safer to stay home with the TV!
    stash and RiseNFall like this.
  18. twnkltoz

    twnkltoz Well-Known Member

    Another reason why women don't say anything:

    Some men are really good at gaslighting--making the woman sound like she's being ridiculous when she complains about his actions. It was an accident, there's nothing wrong with such-and-such, she's not remembering what happened correctly, etc. So, the victim feels like she must be being overly sensitive or will be thought to be ridiculous if she makes a complaint.
    stash likes this.
  19. stash

    stash Well-Known Member

    Until women get taken seriously with accusing harassment, they will be reluctant to report anything for fear they will be the ones to be made out to be the one over reacting and trying to ruin the reputation of the man in question without reason.
  20. snapdancer

    snapdancer Well-Known Member

    Don't the ladies talk among themselves? Or do the ladies expect they will get no sympathy even in their own gender?

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