Tango Argentino > What woman can do to be asked more often...

Discussion in 'Tango Argentino' started by spectator, May 15, 2007.

  1. spectator

    spectator Member

    the other thread was turning into a bit of a weirdy bag, and I got fed up with negativity and CAPITAL letters...

    Let's turn this positive!

    How can we ladies present ourselves or behave in a way what encourages leaders to invite them to dance?

    To pre-empt the howls of "Well I will dance with her if she asks me, I don't see why I should do the asking etc etc", this is for situations where it might not be appropriate for the followers to issue verbal invitations...

    Another thought: how can we improve our cabaceo skills, or, introduce the concept to people who don't know it? N.B. Many people already use cabaceo, they do it naturally and don't realise it has a name.
  2. quixotedlm

    quixotedlm New Member

    more skin ? ;)
  3. Ampster

    Ampster Active Member

    In my experiences, it motivates me to ask a lady to dance when:
    1. She appears to be friendly
    2. She appears to be happy
    3. She appears to be approachable
    4. She looks presentable
    5. She looks like she knows what she's doing
    6. If I can make eye contact with her to give me the opportunity to ask her
      • I know she wants to dance if she's scanning the room
      • If she's busy eating, chatting with friends, fussing with her shoes, etc. I won't be rude and intrude. I'll wait till she's ready
    7. She has danced before, you've seen her, and she moves well
    These are things that work for myself when asking to dance with someone initially unknown.
  4. bastet

    bastet Active Member

    Ampster- how 'bout ladies who are blind as a bat without their glasses??? (that'd be me...I'd suck if I had to try to make eye contact across the room with someone 'cuz I don't dance with my glasses on) :)

    -I think one of the best things a lady can do is be friendly and also open. I've watched at dances who gets asked and who doesn't and more often than not, people who are willing to get out there and are friendly usually end up dancing. I had a couple of friends (both were a similar dancing level and made similar dance mistakes) and one would get asked alot and one wouldn't...both dressed well, were pretty and intelligent, but one of them didn't perhaps "socialize" as well and I think that came across to most people.
  5. Ampster

    Ampster Active Member

    If your body language tells me you want to, I'll come up and get you
  6. Steve Pastor

    Steve Pastor Moderator Staff Member

    There was one woman who seemed earger to dance and to learn. Then it seemed like she was avoiding me. One day I was comparing notes with one of the other guys, and he said she had done the same thing with him.
    I happened to end up standing beside her at one point, and started talking to her, and asked her if she still was dancing with me. She then told me that her eyesight is very poor. Well, then...

    It's hard to direct "come hither" body language at someone when you can't really see them.
  7. bastet

    bastet Active Member

    Too true! :)

    So I try to make friends fast!
  8. Lilly_of_the_valley

    Lilly_of_the_valley Well-Known Member

    I either wear contacts to a milonga, or I scan the room with my glasses on, and take them off after accepting the invitation to a dance. Going back to my glasses afterward is somewhat a challenge then, but I am getting very good at that, too :)
  9. Ampster

    Ampster Active Member

    I have several friends I dance with who do exactly this. :D
  10. JonD

    JonD New Member

    Escorting a lady back to her glasses after a tanda is basic etiquette! Say strong words to any leader who abandons you in that way. Stephanie does the same as you and we've often laughed when neither of us can remember where she left her glasses - she can't see a thing without them.

    Aside from people I know, I normally identify women I want to dance with by watching them on the floor. If I see someone dancing well then I'll try and track them down for a dance. If, as happens quite often when I'm dancing away from my local community, there isn't a specific partner available then I tend to ask ladies who really look like they want to dance. I'm not sure what it is that makes them look that way but if, in search of a partner, I scan a row of ladies I've never danced with or watched dancing I'll pick out the one who appears most eager to get on the floor. I'm less likely to ask ladies that are deep in conversation, look like they're chewing a wasp, look bored or look like they think they'd be doing me a favour by dancing with me. I like to be asked to dance as well although I don't always get up immediately - I won't dance to music that I don't like, or if I feel like a rest, simply because I've been asked; however, I will make every effort to track down the lady later for a tanda to something that I enjoy.

    I know I'm breaking all the basic tenets of male solidarity but I'm not drawn to dance with scantily clad ladies. While, as a general principle, I strongly approve of scantily clad women I kind of recoil from the risk of being labelled as some sad "moth" who is drawn to the flame. If she's a good dancer that is a different matter but I'll ask her to dance because of her skill, not because of the way she looks.
  11. Lilly_of_the_valley

    Lilly_of_the_valley Well-Known Member

    Some do. :) But mostly, around here, I noticed, at big crowded milongas, partners escort a lady to the edge of the floor after a tanda. Perhaps, it is hard to keep track of where and who was sitting at the moment. People move a lot during the night, there are no assigned sits.
    And if I dance with a guy for the first time (which is often, as I am relatively new), by the end of a tanda (or two ) he might forget that I wore glasses in the first place... I often forget :) I think I am more of a tactil person than visual, anyway.
  12. quixotedlm

    quixotedlm New Member

    I think you are ok ;)
  13. Dave Bailey

    Dave Bailey New Member


    Actually, in a dance context, I agree - those lovely backless numbers look gorgeous, but there's something - I dunno - weird about putting my hand on a woman's naked back in dancing, it just feels strange.

    In addition, in some dance forms (such as salsa) where this happens a lot, I tend to think "Ewww, sweat" whenever I see too much skin exposed. :rolleyes:

    As we've discussed elsewhere, most dancers will pick a partner based primarily on a mixture of attitude and ability. Yes, looks are there too - let's not be naive - but they're a distant third compared to the other two.
  14. Steve Pastor

    Steve Pastor Moderator Staff Member

    People take reading materials to work and leave stuff lying around. I swear that's how I came across this in "Men's Health" -
    What's the best pick up strategy at the gym
    Or, getting a dance at a milonga
    freely interpreted by me.

    First, pick a realistic target. The excellent dancer with the perma frown who never glances at anyone probably doesn't want to dance with you anyhow.
    Girls who want to dance will look around, walk around, and even smile.

    Simple, eh?
  15. Indiana_Jay

    Indiana_Jay Active Member

    Actually, I prefer it when women bring only the skin they were born with. :)
  16. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    Huh. Can't win 'em all, I suppose. Personally, since I love to wear backless things (or close to it--the less of my shoulders and back that's covered, the better), I love the feel of the man's hand on my back. Just another layer of intimacy.

    Yeah, it crosses my mind that it could squick out some guys when I get sweaty. Yeah, it kind of makes me self-conscious. And then I realize that plenty of men seem to not mind/like the backless thing, so what you guys like/dislike is kind of a wash in terms of clothing decision-making.

    And then there's the fact that there's usually sweat running down my face (and his) anyway, nothing I can do about that. Meh. Comes with the territory, I suppose.
  17. Ampster

    Ampster Active Member

    Nope, sweatiness is not a problem with me. When you dance a tango it IS inevitable that you will be sweating. Your cheeks, chest, neck, arms, hands, are all in constant contact and you are going to get hot.

    If you dance it right, you will have a very deep and intense connection while you move in unison. You can't stop it, and its all part of the dance.
  18. Dave Bailey

    Dave Bailey New Member

    I love that term :notworth:

    I usually bring a hand towel in my bag and have a flannel-thing in my pocket for emergency mopping-up operations :)
  19. spectator

    spectator Member

    So have been thinking a bit...
    once we've managed to put ourselves in optimal invitation inviting attitude and dress...
    Now when people we really really don't want to dance with keep asking and we keep making excuses why we can't how do we give the message that they should stop asking and piss off back to the slimy patch under their stone? But without being mean.

    This goes for both leaders and followers - it applies to anyone who is "baby sat" or hassled by people who can't take the hint.
  20. witchphd

    witchphd New Member

    I wish ladies would stop making excuses and just say no, period. Giving an excuse that implies you would be available later (eg. I'm taking a break, I need a drink of water, use the restroom...etc.) invites someone to ask again later. Making excuses that are plausible is not giving a hint. That said, I don't ask again even if it might be true. I'm just cynical like that. Just start off by saying "no, thanks"

    However, since you added this....

    In my experience, people who belong under a slimy patch don't take hints very well, or at all really. And sometimes they don't take no for an answer. Ultimately, you have to give a blunt response that you may consider mean.

    Yes, I know that answer probably isn't what you were looking for, but I calls 'em as I sees 'em

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