Dancers Anonymous > Who enjoys dating??

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by africana, Jul 3, 2006.

  1. skwiggy

    skwiggy Well-Known Member

    Haha, so you advocate making that already very difficult process of getting to know someone even harder by essentially hiding things from someone you're dating?

    And some people want and need to know the person that they're marrying. Not just the parts that that person has been willing to share.

    Exactly. Some of us don't want to have to play games ever, let alone for the rest of our lives.
  2. saludas

    saludas New Member

    1 person likes this.
  3. quixotedlm

    quixotedlm New Member

    I don't play games, but I (think I) understand that camp, and do not consider it too bad a form of courtship. It is like a job interview, or more like an internship.

    When I have interns working for me, I can see that they are extra diligent and are out to prove themselves. It doesn't mean that they are faking it. It doesn't mean that they are not capable of being assholes when they get exasperated by their stupid peers who get in the way of productive work. It doesn't mean that they won't be patronizign bullys when made to work with inept folk. But during the internship, they stay on a good behavior, put up with crap and try to shine. And they get hired (or not, partly) based on our observations during the 2-3 month stint.

    Why does this work? Because the 'good behavior' we see is not all an act. They are merely overemphasising some of the good qualities and skills they already have. Agreed that it is exaggerated, but it gives (hiring) managers a good basis for observing what they are capable of if you presume that they are good conscientous people. Such presumption is generally not too wrong. Similarly, the company also woos the interns by giving them goodies, taking them to barbecues and giving them access to VP's and CEO's. This doesnt' mean they will get the same treatment as full time employees, but it goes to show them that we value our employees much.

    So sure, it's game playing - but it is not meant to be a cheating mask. Rather, it is meant to exaggerate and embellish the good qualities you already have and play down some of the less desirable ones (some of which invariably afflicts most normal people anyway).
  4. AzureDreamer

    AzureDreamer New Member

    I just don't see it that way. You need to pay attention to your partner; everyone wants and need certain things. and those are things that you need to give to them. Don't be so absorbed in expressing every single aspect of yourself that miss that. Focus on the things that are important to them if you want them to take that extra step forward, commit more to a relationship.

    To put it a different way... there are givers and takers in the world. You are a "taker" who feels that if someone loves you they should love everything about you... its totally focused on you, it seems totally selfish to me. You should be looking to loking "give" something to someone else, the things that are valuable to them, filling their needs...that is the way to get what you want. (possibly that's selfish as well, but it seems a more enlightened selfish to me... because it focus's on them, how to fill their needs so they -want- to be with you, rather than starting from the point of view that if they really loved you...)

    I really do feel that the best way to make a relationship work is by giving to your partner what they want and need. period. full stop. I like to call that the "Giving Game"; and I think that's one to play for the rest of your life.
  5. skwiggy

    skwiggy Well-Known Member

    Oh believe me, I pay attention to my partner. I am not talking about being absorbed in myself. Just being myself. And 'myself', is someone who pays attention to my partner and what he needs.

    That's just simply untrue, and incredibly ignorant to jump to such conclusions. How dare you tell me what or who I am. You don't know me at all. I am a very giving person. It's not focused on me. I want to know the real him just as much as I want him to know the real me.

    Your way to me seems deceptive. Just because I am myself, does not automatically mean that I am selfish. Just honest. To infer selfishness from that is very narrow minded.
    1 person likes this.
  6. africana

    africana New Member

    not happy with last post AD...

    btw, I've heard about some studies that showed that men benefit much more from marriage than women. This tells me that men should be marketing themselves a whole lot more than they do. Instead they have women catering to their every whim, changing their personalities and looks in order to snag a man. If only women had more self-respect...

    I sort of enjoy being single, a lot of nice perks, and I wonder if I should work towards being free of the idea of marriage because there isn't much benefit to it besides safe-sex.
    1 person likes this.
  7. skwiggy

    skwiggy Well-Known Member

    Good points, africana. I've heard about those studies as well that claim that men benefit more from marriage than women do, especially health wise. And in many cases, marriage does not even ensure safe sex. Unfortunately, people do cheat. :-/
    1 person likes this.
  8. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    ya know...the older I get the more i think that happy and content people are happy and content in general...single or otherwise...sure there's a down side to everything or one can be in a situation so extreme that it alters their basic outlook, but for the most part...its a choice
  9. DWise1

    DWise1 Well-Known Member

    Well, at least in the area of dating, the argument I've heard for dating being healthy for a man is that he'll take far better care of himself, rather than just let himself go. I don't know about most married men, but I felt motivated to take care of myself for my wife's sake. But even despite that consideration, I'd guess that married men fare better because there is somebody seeing to it that they're being taken care of.
  10. AzureDreamer

    AzureDreamer New Member

    Marketing themselves more? How so? Approaching women and talking to them? Asking more girls out? Maybe paying for everything? Maybe be expected to drop thousands of dollars on a piece of jewellry to try to 'snag' a woman?

    There is this sushi restaraunt in london (Yo! Sushi) where basically these little dishes of sushi go around in a conveyor belt. Dating for guys is like being that sushi... you constantly are going up to women, who can just lay back and pick and choose from whatever catches their interest. and for the guys... its basically: take all the emotional risks, make all of the effort, and rejection, rejection, rejection.

    and change your yourself? geez. you haven't any idea. Take the average guy: he's on his couch playing internet video games. He's eating day old pizza out of a box on the floor. The apartment is on occasion straightened up, but has never been cleaned. He's got swimsuit models and rock band posters tacked up on the walls. In the fridge he has two beers, half a lime, and a two week old chinese take-away. he doesn't own an ironing board.

    Lets face it, we are talking permanent life-style change here. This guy may be funny, great looking, confident, generous, attentive, intelligent, etc, etc... lots of attactive qualities. If only he could find a woman who could appreciate him for who he is, that wouldn't judge him by superficial qualities like the way he dresses, the wreck of his apartment, spending 40 hours a week in fantasy land being a gnome sorcerer named "gankenstein wtfpwnd"... *cough*

    Get. Over. It. Permanent. Lifestyle. Change. Needed.
  11. AzureDreamer

    AzureDreamer New Member

    In terms of health benefits its important to decouple 'childbirth' from other 'health benefits'. In a couple studies I have seen, married women who do not have children have the same (or greater) health benefits as married men. Women who are married and have children are significantly healthier than single women with children. It does appear that childbirth does have a long term impacts on health, and that a much larger number of women who have had children were married historically. With the increase in the numbers of single parent families, I would be interested to see how the "benefits of marriage" analysis changes.
  12. skwiggy

    skwiggy Well-Known Member

    You honestly believe that women take no risks, make no effort, and don't get rejected? I mean, you HONESTLY believe that?

    I. Would. Not. Date. This. Man. Let. Alone. Marry. Him.
  13. skwiggy

    skwiggy Well-Known Member

    Mentioning child rearing as a variable in the equation is the first logical point you've made in this discussion. Although it probably has more to do with the toll that child birth has on one's body in general than on whether or not that woman has a man around to help.
  14. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    he's got your goat doesn't he ?
  15. skwiggy

    skwiggy Well-Known Member

    What ever gave you that impression? :p
  16. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

  17. AzureDreamer

    AzureDreamer New Member

    so... if this guy really liked you and knew that he had so much to offer, he would be a great husband, etc, etc ... what would your advice to him be?

    (I take it that him demanding that you will accept him just as he is, refusing to change because that would be "dishonest", isn't going to win your heart? Is that hypocritical on your part?)

    woohoo... so that make it 1-0 in my favor, yah?


    (sorry was just too easy)
  18. skwiggy

    skwiggy Well-Known Member

    My advice to him would be to find someone who is right for him. A man who is not right for me is not going to win my heart. At least not for the long haul. I want compatibility. A man who spends 40 hrs/week playing video and computer games is not compatible with me, no matter how many good qualities he has.

    (Edited to remove my anger)... I have made plenty of solid arguments, and have received feedback from other posters who agree. My previous posts stand on their own merit.
  19. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    unlike flirting...this is actually more fun when I'm NOT the one engaged
  20. AzureDreamer

    AzureDreamer New Member

    I just don't think that he will appeal to many people as is. Personally, I told him to clean his apartment, iron his shirts, polish his shoes, and delete the video games off of his computer. His response was pretty much that was who he was and he wanted to be accepted for it. Maybe their is something fundamentally "dishonest" with him giving up computer games if he is interested in this girl, maybe its "playing games" rather than just being himself.


    I think he's got a lot better chance now.

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