General Dance Discussion > why it may NOT be good to date a fellow dancer

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by yippee1999, Aug 1, 2007.

  1. etp777

    etp777 Active Member

    Absolutely Dwise. And it's not jsut the women, the guys there rarely konw how to dance either. Why do you think I go to clubs, unlike our comps, or when I'm hanging out with my friends, at a club I tend to be the best dancer, and stand out. ;)
  2. DWise1

    DWise1 Well-Known Member

    Yeah, just like line dancing is. Kind of like musical m*****bation. (not sure of how the filter would react, so I censored myself)

    I've noticed that some women have a difficult time transitioning from free-style to partner dancing. Some, such as my ex, never make it.
  3. Joe

    Joe Well-Known Member

    Don't tell my heart, my achy-breaky heart...I just don't think he'd understand...
  4. elisedance

    elisedance New Member

    I think this is not suprising. When a man goes from freestyle to partner dancing he goes in essence from 'leading' himself to 'leading a partnershp'. When the woman does the same she has to transition from 'leading' (herself) to following. If she does not accept that this is actually a totally different way of dancing - and really wants to achieve this - she may have a problem making the shift.
  5. DWise1

    DWise1 Well-Known Member

    Just learning to lead someone else in addition to oneself can also make that transition rough for men. However, it is indeed different for the woman, because she has to learn to give up a lot of control that she used to have in dancing as well as to put her trust in her partner. I haven't heard anyone address the question of trust, but I have heard several women talk about difficult it was for them to give up that control.

    In my ex's case, she could never stand for anyone telling her what to do. When forced to follow in class, she would engage in a form of malevolent compliance. And at my in-laws' 50th anniversary she momentarily lifted the dancing ban that she had imposed (I think mainly to save face in front of her family) and dragged me out onto the floor for an ECS in which she fought my lead all the way; it wasn't a dance, it was a wrestling match.

    Sorry for my indulging in a bit of Schadenfreude, or at least enjoying the irony. She's been free-style dancing for nearly half a century and for half of that time she had brainwashed me that I had absolutely no sense of rhythm and was incapable of ever learning to dance. Now I've learned to dance and she's the one who wasn't able to learn.
  6. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    you'll truly win when she is less relevant...good luck on that one
  7. cornutt

    cornutt Well-Known Member

    That took me a moment... I was trying to figure out what kind of HTML tag "astur" is!
  8. DWise1

    DWise1 Well-Known Member

    So given that it's supposed to take about 5 years, that means that I only have 2 or 3-1/2 more years to go depending on whether the clock starts at the filing or the finalization.
  9. DWise1

    DWise1 Well-Known Member

    I was thinking more in terms of the actual word standing out there as nature had intended it might have triggered the filter. HTML is not the only four-letter word there is.
  10. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    depends on when the individual decides to bury strike me as an overachiever perhaps sooner than later...we let go of bitterness for ourself not because the other person deserves to be let off the hook
  11. elisedance

    elisedance New Member

    Speaking as one who went through the Divorce From Hell (i.e. I've been there) there comes a time where you have to let go and move on, regardless of how unfair or hurtful the relationship was. If you can't let go of her and stop defining yoursel by that relationship, how will you ever begin to form a new one? I found I had to actually recreate myself as a separate perosn, I had to stop comparing and to I had to stop judging. Only then did I really break free.

    I know what I am writing is out of place and maybe presumptious and maybe even invasive - but maybe it will help?
  12. waltzgirl

    waltzgirl Active Member

    Speaking as one . . . . sometimes you can't let go until you can honestly answer why you held on in the first place.
  13. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    and sometimes talking and continuing to reflect upon it IS the problem...beyond a certain point, if one hasn't come to any new conclusions, one is merely marinating in a habitually toxic soup....grief is like the monkey can't reach forward and keep holding on to what is behind just can't...and you have to fake that you want to move forward for as long as it takes....this is a generally observation not one specific to any particulars on this thread
  14. Sabor

    Sabor New Member

    dancers are mostly self loving paranoid immature misfits... who wants to date that?.. but one night stands are ok..
  15. Angelo

    Angelo Member

    Hey! I resemble that remark!
  16. DWise1

    DWise1 Well-Known Member

    The whole night?!

    Three minutes! That's the norm. Any longer than three minutes and you're missing out on all those other dances.
  17. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

  18. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    so true... and so personally liberating & healing.
  19. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

  20. DWise1

    DWise1 Well-Known Member

    elise and fasc: It's just going to take a long time. Rather than trying to hold on, I find that I cannot move on without knowing what went wrong, something I will simply never know. So rather than get into another abusive relationship, ... .

    The other night in foxtrot, the teacher had me lead him through the step so that he could demonstrate and correct the mistakes that the women were making. He then tried to recruit me on the spot to compete.

    Now, if I were to allow myself to use my dancing to get back at my ex, then competing and winning would be the perfect way to rub her face in how wrong she was about me. But I don't want my dancing to be about that. Though the reason I would give for refusing to compete is that it would take too much time away from dancing. For me, dancing is a fun activity, the classes are my social life, and it's a lot less expensive than rehab would be, I'm sure.

    Now, she has already tainted my dancing a lot. When I started 7 years ago, it was mainly because she had always loved dancing and this would be something that we could do together. I took the group classes (with her at first, but then she kept dropping out of them for one reason or another) mainly for the challenge and for fun and I did make an effort to learn, even though I "knew" that I could never learn it -- I at first considered privates to be a waste because I couldn't learn anything anyway; in all this time I still have never taken a private, though now it's because I don't have the time for them. In fact, it took at least three years before I could convince myself that maybe I might be able to learn to dance after all; it might have helped that I kept getting compliments about having a great lead and natural rhythm, of being the only guy there who knew what he was doing, and of being a "born dancer". My "dance buddy" also expressed her amazement at how quickly I pick up new steps, such that I'll have it nailed while all the other guys are still clueless.

    And yet I still feel that I'm not doing well and I'm trying to correct every little thing that I'm doing wrong. Our ballroom teacher wants to make us all fabulous, but my main goal is to be competent. My married life was split between trying to please someone who couldn't be pleased and trying to figure out how to stay out of trouble, or at least wind up in the least amount of trouble possible. So I was trying to figure out how to please her and how to avoid getting her mad. So the first few years of dancing I was very much concerned with learning what I needed to do to please my partner and it took a lot to finally realize that that wasn't necessary. And I'm still very sensitive to when my partner looks like she's displeased with something and part of my thought processes as I'm learning how to lead a new step is to try to figure out how to make it easier and smoother for my partner and as I practice the new step I try to gauge how she's moving through it and how I need to aid or at least allow that movement -- one compliment I received in a salsa class was that I was the only guy who was using the rhythm of the dance to turn the girl. And one complaint I got in a WCS class was that I was trying to do too much for her.

    So my 28 years of 24/7 training still influence my dancing, as much as I don't want it to.

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