General Dance Discussion > Why you don't want to date your male instructor ?

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by Regina, Sep 14, 2005.

  1. Regina

    Regina New Member

    I need to vent.....

    I have had 2 instructors that developed inappropriate feelings for me - i know i just can't keep men away from me *sarcastic me *. They started using lesson time to get to know me. I understand general chit-chat questions, but please instructors, don't be a cheap skate and use lesson time to get to know her. I would've appreciated a phone call or an after lesson talk for a few minutes - it shows that you are truly interested in her even if she will tell you she is not feeling the same about you and second, you are a man, not a school boy. Also, don't go investigating her, ask the questions yourself and get answers directly from her. If you go investigating (i'll refrain from saying what they have done to me ) her, i view you as a coward and a school boy cause that is what dating is about when you are still in school - primary or high school that is. ( I know men never grow up, their toys only get more expensive, at least try to be a man ). I want to marry a man not a school boy.
    Oh yes, and if she says NO, then the answer is NO. Leave her alone, please. Accept it and move on in your life.
    Here is the shocking part of the story......... i have even had a married instructor that was still after me. I won't say in public what i think of such a person, cause i will be banned from this board for saying it. (No, i don't dress provocative for lessons/parties/practice - i am as conservative as can be - or give the idea that i am interested, i merely want to learn dance....)

    Any body else that has had this experience or similar experience ?

    Rant over...

    What do you expect a guy to do if he is interested in you - how do you want him to tell you ?
    1. If he is a ballroom instructor, i want him to .......
    2. If he is a general member of the public, i want him to ......
  2. cl5814

    cl5814 New Member

    Mmm, awful experience you have had. I've had similar experiences, funny this has only been in the dance world, other men i have met in general public, all talked to me directly.

    I wholeheartedly agree with you.......too many high school boys around in grown male bodies.

    To answer your questions :
    I would like a man to walk up to me and tell me he likes me and wants to do something fun with me, that day i know i have met a man. If he can take my response as a man, whether positive or negative, i'll at least know i met a man.

    Yea, agreed, if i said NO to him, the answer is no. He has to move on with his life and get over it.
  3. Medira

    Medira New Member

    Instructors or not, my response would be the same.

    If you're interested in me, tell me. If you want to ask me out, then ask me out. If you want to get to know me better, then engage me in conversation and ask questions. I have nothing to hide, so I'll tell you what you want to know. Don't spend your time skirting around it. Don't try and get otehrs to do your dirty work for you. Be a man, find the balls and do it yourself.
  4. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Amen, sisters. From my perspective, it doesn't make any difference what the guy does for a living. High school guessing games are for high school. And, IIRC, they weren't any fun for me, even then.

    Of course, from the male dance instructor's perspective, things might be different. For example, people talk. Maybe he has the added worry of not wanting to damage his reputation or lose his clientele by getting involved with a student. Maybe he's afraid that, if things go badly, it'll be a difficult mess to clean up. Maybe he's had one or more relationships within the dance community that blew up in the past. Maybe he has ethics that prevent his pursuing a relationship with a student. So maybe he has what he perceives to be reasons to be cautious.

    Still, though, he needs to cool it, IMO. Either step up to the plate, take a risk and pursue the relationship. Or else keep his feelings to himself. And, as you've said, if she says NO, leave her alone.

    And as far as the married instructor who pursues relationships with students? Oh! What I have to say about that I probably shouldn't post, either. :evil:
  5. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    Now I want to see a pic of you. :wink:
  6. Regina

    Regina New Member

    Thanks, glad i am not the only person that feels like this. I have nothing to hide either, i'll answer the questions to the extent that i am comfortable with it.
    What is up with the men in the dance world ? Clearly some of them have too much time and money and like the dirty (coward) approach to dating....

    To all the insturctors, please keep your student-instructor working relationships, professional.

    To all the men that has adhered to the direct approach of dating, you guys will always be my heroes. Thanks for being a man, you deserve a great wife. :) :)
  7. Regina

    Regina New Member

    I think most students will understand that being interested in the opposite sex is only natural. It can definitely be handled in a grown up way. If you ask her/him directly if she/he would be interested in a relationship, then you will either get a positive/negative response and then you can decide together if the student-instructor relationship can continue or not.
    If the interested party could not control the situation, then it would be best to end the student-instructor working relationship.
    If you (instructor) are truly interested in the student, you'll take the risk and ask. Just state that it is a question and see the response. I don't think any student will mind the question, if you add that if the student has no interest that you will still keep the relationship professional and avoid all possible dating questions in future.
  8. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    I agree. But not everybody feels this way. There've been more than a few happily-ever-afters that started as dance teacher/student relationships, unless I'm mis-remembering some past DF threads. 8) And more power to those couples. Their choice. :)

    But, in your case, since that's obviously not what you want, your instructors (especially the married one :evil: ) need to leave you alone, IMO. And, if they can't do that, they need to resign and refer you to a new teacher. 8)
  9. Regina

    Regina New Member

    I think DancingMommy is a good example of a student-instructor relationship that worked out.
    I am not against the instructor-student relationship idea, i am just against the approach that some instructors follow.....
  10. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    hmmm being married I only come at this from a very different angle...if an instructor is chatting me up...I assume that it is either b/c he wants me to think he cares so that I am more likely to keep coming back or b/c he does care since we have spent so much time together....and even if I sense there is some attraction there I don't chalk any of the personal interaction up to that b/c it serves no useful purpose...I do think an instructor (though I don't advocate it) is likely to screen, ask around, make a few inquiries around the studio before letting some feeling be known...I have known some instructors who have first gone to their boss ...for obvious for saying NO...NO should be respected no matter who is saying it to whom for whatever reason...I have had this in regard to showcases and have found the persistance just as annoying....regarding married guy...well, I would just inform him that I will have to bring his interest to his wife's attention if he thinks this is fun to pursue any longer...fantasy over
  11. Medira

    Medira New Member

    Personally, I'm of the opinion that feelings are feelings, attraction is attraction, chemistry is chemistry and there's nothing you can do to predict when it's going to happen and who your target (for lack of a better word) will be. If there's something real there, then go for it! That sort of true connection is so hard to find...why dismiss what so many people spend years searching for? I mean, I'm sure that the parties involved would have a logn talk about where things were going and what to expect from everybody affected by a relationship starting...and as long as it was okay with both of them, then it couldn't hurt to try.

    Wow. I'm rambling.

    I agree with everybody above who has stated that no means no, no matter what. There are too many people who choose to ignore it and that, in my opinion, is completely unacceptable. If these instructors keep trying to pursue you despite your rejection, I'd start looking for another studio.
  12. Regina

    Regina New Member

  13. lynn

    lynn New Member

    I know i'm bringing up something that everyone's aware of: it's difficult when an instructor is involved with a student. Afterall, the student/teacher relationship has the monetary component that people prefer to not to discuss/think about when they are in a relationship, not to mention that things get especially ugly if there's no "happily ever after".
  14. DancingMommy

    DancingMommy Active Member

    Yes, but with one unique twist....

    1) My husband was never one of *my* students and
    2) He left the studio for greener (less expensive) pastures before we started dating.

    We started dating 4 months after he left the studio. I hadn't seen him except out around town. My studio had a fairly strict non fraternization policy which I respected. I had a LOT of single guy (private lesson) students and from my perspective, it would have been lousy to try to put the moves on any one of them. It would have caused dissention in the ranks re: favoritism, etc.

    In my opinion, if an instructor is interested in a student, the following apply:

    1) Make sure you aren't violating the terms of your employment (whether you are under contract or not). You don't want to get sued.

    2) If you do choose to fraternize with a student *and* it is against policy, you better be up front about it with the boss. They *may* choose to cut you some slack.

    3) Keep your private life *private*. No one in the studio wants to know all the drama. There is wuite enough drama in the dance community as it is. Also, you don't want to get into anything re: favoritism.

    4) Be 100% certain you don't give the appearance of being "interested" in any other students in "that way". Don't be flirty with all the other girls, if you know what I mean.

    5) Keep it in your pants while you are on the clock. Need I say more?

    6) If you are married, don't even think about trying to make time with a student. You don't want to end up on national television....
  15. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I think this is important regarless of the romance aspect...I have more money to burn than lots of other students and so take more my spouse and my instructor have alot of outside interests in common and it has become increasingly more apprent to me that those sorts of things will make other students resent me pronto...b/c I am progressing more quickly, b/c they don't have that option and b/c we have a genuine rapport w/ my teacher...we have learned to be much more discreet now
  16. macha

    macha New Member

    Ok, I read about the first paragraph of the first post.

    People, the dance world isn't the only circle with this problem. It's horse people, pilates, gourmet cooking, book club, college, anything.

    I personally would be semi-embarassed to air this out on a public forum with strangers. Does anyone have a sort of sense of... I don't know... I'm looking for the word... not decency, but very similar.

    This makes dancing look cheesy, like a soap opera. It fuels stereotypes that all men who are dance instructors are swarthy, villainous woman-snatchers, using their lithe and gyrative wiles to lure the unsuspecting flower or something, if you think about it enough and start sniggering, like I did (but then, I'm the one who tries to make chromatic scales with burps when nobody's around) , you'd get it, but lots won't.

    Last I checked, dancing was about dancing, sex was about sex. Dancing can BE sexy, but please don't use dancing or my damn lesson time to make it what YOU are missing in the bedroom at home. That's what an escort service and romance novels are for. What is it with people who can't separate sex from anything, ever? You can't always blame The Man, either. There are slutty women out there who will rub up against anything just to feel validated. I'm not accusing anyone (here) of being slutty, but I'm saying that this is the other side of the coin.

    There are also people of both genders with the "Yeah, they want me" complex, that over-interpret things (again, not accusing anyone here- I'd drop local names, but it might go oroboros on me).

    It's a good thing my appearance and demeanor are so a-typically-desirable. I don't have to worry about ANY of this. It's always about sex. From the perspective of an entire species, sex is essential to propagate. From an individual level, sex is not a need, it's a want. A want that often rules people's actions and sentiments, and is damn annoying.

    What did people do BEFORE they had active sex lives? Why can't they do that NOW? Will they die or something?

    It's stuff like this that makes forums sound like slumber parties. Next we'll be practicing french-kissing on one of the token guys here and taking turns holding them down, or fixing each other's hair while talking about the school trash.

    Dancing is a hobby, an interest, a way of life... but it is not some cheesy-knat, over-blown Hollywood playset. Don't cheapen it with your actions and declarations of melodrama and intrigue.

    >end generalised foaming rant on humanity #4<
  17. DancingMommy

    DancingMommy Active Member

    macha -

    Have you been watching reruns of Dancing With The Stars again?
  18. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    macha-- it should be as you say and I agree that this crap is not specific to dance but I think it MIGHT be more pervasive in artistic/creative forums...not saying it should be....self-control is a good thing
  19. Regina

    Regina New Member

    boy, oh boy, can i tell you a story on this one.....a male instructor wearing tight fitting white pants and then asked a female student to look :shock: :shock: know where. Yep, that was the last lesson that student had with that instructor.
  20. Regina

    Regina New Member

    I have only ever had this problem in the dance world..... there is a much more civilized dating process in the other circles i have chosen to spend my time. Not a lot of other activities require so much physical contact like dance does; therefore i thought it is a much bigger problem in the dance world where inappropriate relationships develop.

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