Dancers Anonymous > Would you except flowers from someone if...

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by SPratt74, May 13, 2006.

  1. bordertangoman

    bordertangoman Well-Known Member

    At the risk of misreperesenting Non-Violent Communication; the key words are:


    for example: I feel angry when I observed you [doing whatever] because my need for fairness was not being met. I request that you do x y z.

    NB a request gives the other person a choice! if you insist the other person does something then its a demand! Lots of demands in our society are phrased as requests for politeness. When your boss says Please would you do this or that he probably expects you to do it.

    that's it a nut shell but there are some important principles; like no-one makes you feel anything(emotionally). Your feelings are your response.
    Observing without making judgements takes practice and separating the action you see from the response is crucial.
  2. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I like it alot...this is very similar to the process used in marriage encounter dialogue...and of course in many other team building programs etc....I have found that it does a marriage a whole lot of good
  3. AzureDreamer

    AzureDreamer New Member

    Well, I think that expectation is there in either example; in both cases its a 'demand' (and both are just polite ways of stating it.)

    I personally don't like this approach because it focus's primarily on actions that you don't like (and mostly appropriate to get someone to "stop doing" something.) For getting them to "do something" or even "do something else" I find it a lot more effective to focus on establishing the things you want to happen and continual positive reinforcement. (just ignore the things you don't like.)

    but the focus should always be on "I like it when you do..." or "this makes me feel good..."; those -are- requests. Its fine to respond with a "that makes me really uncomfortable", or "how about..." If you ever have to bring up something negative... that goes way beyond a request; that's a demand, and the other option is me walking away.
  4. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    I agree, DP. Totally. :cool: :D
  5. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Hmm. Gotta ponder this. I'm not sure I agree. Asking someone to stop hurting me is a request, in my mind, even if it's on a negative topic.

    I understand what you're saying though. :cool: For example, a lot of the parenting literature makes your point very well. You tell the child what you want them to do, rather than what you don't want them to do. For example, you say, "Use your indoor voice," rather than "Be quiet!" lol. You use a positive request that reinforces the actions you want, rather than using a demand that reinforces the actions you don't want.

    But I'm not sure that that kind of wording can or (dare I say it?) should be applied to every situation. Sometimes I need to exercise my option to move further down the passive-to-aggressive continuum to get my point across. I'm not necessarily demanding that the other person do anything. I can't control anyone other than myself. People do what they want to do.

    However, I am clearly letting the other person know that they are violating one of my boundaries. Often, that's enough. If not, yes, I do have the option to walk away. That's not necessarily a bad thing, in my view. If I find myself walking away from everyone, then I need to look at myself. But, if I choose to walk away from selected situations, then maybe it's because I wasn't willing to compromise myself in order to put up with behavior that hurt or offended me. Such is life. You know what Kenny Rogers said. lol. Ya gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away and know when to run. ROTFL!
  6. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    nah...I think its fair to tell someone when what they are doing causes you long as you are explaning where it is coming from in you not overtly deciding that their behavior is simply unacceptable, b/c rarely is it that case that something is that objectively over the line...IMO...I really prefer to say ("when you did that I felt rejected and judged an abandoned like when (insert previous issue that pushes your buttons)..." I think this creates empathy rather than judging the person's approach.
  7. AzureDreamer

    AzureDreamer New Member

    well, that would never be a "request" for me... If I bother to bring it up, one alternative (continuing to be hurt) is just not an acceptable option. I expect them to change their behavior.

    and if its just "annoying", well... I wouldn't bother with bringing it up. Lets say you happened to be ticklish (not to imply that I am ticklish!!!), and you didn't like being tickled. I think you are a lot better off with something like "what I could really use right now is a shoulder massage" (or whatever) and follow that up with a lot of positive reinforcement ("that feels great"), rather than bring up tickling at all.
  8. bordertangoman

    bordertangoman Well-Known Member

    There's no reason why this approach should focus on things you don't like rather than things you would wish to encourage. my choice of exmples may have given that impression but it ain't necessarily so...
  9. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    I agree, bordertangoman. Either can work, IMO. :cool:
  10. DancePoet

    DancePoet Well-Known Member

    I'd have been surprised if you were.

    Anger expressed in an outburst, could perhaps be ok occasionally, yet definitely not repeated nor in an abusive fashion. And what is not abuse to one person might be to the other, so care must be taken. Forgiveness for an occasional, or perhaps a better word to use here, rare, outburst is possible, yet anger can be recognized and outbursts could be greatly minimized accordingly.
  11. DancePoet

    DancePoet Well-Known Member

    And perhaps a combination. :cool:

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