Dancers Anonymous > You've Got the Digits, Now What?

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by diputs, Aug 19, 2005.

  1. diputs

    diputs New Member

    Way too much philosophy for one day! :)
     
  2. lynn

    lynn New Member

    yes, but words of wisdom are in such short supply nowadays!
     
  3. Purr

    Purr Well-Known Member

    That sounds like the best plan, which I'm doing today.
     
  4. itorres

    itorres New Member

    I have seen some comments about how there's no graceful way or the best thing is to be blunt, etc. I disagree. There are people with feelings out there and I think there are ways to deal with declining/rejecting unwanted invitations.

    I assume (or hope) you don't want to hurt their feelings, since if you didn't care you wouldn't bother reading any suggestions in this thread.
    I think it's best to be honest. You don't want to lie and then be trying to cover up if you said you already had a SO, were not going out such day, or your dog died, etc. :)

    So the thing is how to transmit the message without hurting their feelings. Honesty is the best policy, but there are ways...
    It's nicer to say "You're (insert positive qualities here) and I enjoy your companionship, but I see you as a friend" :) as opposed to saying "You're too fat and ugly for my taste" :evil:

    Theres a whole spectrum of communication approaches from
    Passive---------------------------------------------------Assertive--------------------------------------Aggressive or
    Hint and hope they get the message------------------Explain being nice-----------------------------Get lost you creep!
    (This also applies to undesired moves on the dance floor)

    Some of the many variables to take into account when determining the approach to use.
    - How sensitive the other person is. I don't believe one can say all men will react one way and all women will react this other way. Individuals, men or women have varying degrees of sensitivity. There are trends, but we can't generalize. Highly sensitive individuals would call for a gentler approach.
    - The degree of their attraction to you. Will they let go easily or will they persist? If they persist like - "Can I tag along too?", "want to go to dinner first?" - they need a progressively stronger message.
    - What is your desired end result? Remaining friends, being able to call each other in order to meet and go dancing, being able to dance when you see each other, don't care if you ever see them, prefer not ever seeing them again... This is pretty obvious. You don't want to crush them if you want to remain friends.
    - How often will you have to deal with them. Are they part of your circle of friends, do you see them all the time at usual clubs or lessons, etc.? You certainly would want to be more civil.

    So I guess one could pick from passive to agressive:
    Passive
    1. Not answer calls
    2. Hinting:
    - Friendly: "Well I was thinking of going to Club XYZ. I know a lot of people who go there and I like to dance with, if you want {you can pick me up | we can meet there}, dance a few and I can introduce you to a couple of friends." (Message: Not a date, will dance with many, some with you, I'll introduce you to other "friends")
    - Don't care: "Thanks, but I've already spoken with some friends and we're going out." (Msg: Don't know where yet or don't want to say, don't want you showing up following me)
    3. More assertive
    - Friendly: "Well I was thinking of going to Club XYZ. I know a lot of people who go there and I like to dance with, if you want {you can pick me up | we can meet there}, dance a few, I can introduce you to a couple of friends. We can go as friends but I don't want to make it like a date. OK?" (Message: I'm saying not a date, will dance with many, some with you, I'll introduce you to other "friends")
    - Don't care: "Thanks, but I've already spoken with some friends and we're going out. I don't really want to go on a date, you know. But thanks for asking. We'll probably see each other around." (Msg: Don't really want to go on a date, know where yet or don't want to say, don't want you showing up following me)

    I hope the agressive approach isn't needed...

    This won't cover all circumstances but I hope it sheds some light on how to go about it, if you care about their feelings.
     
  5. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    That sounds like a reasonable approach, itorres. I prefer the "explain while being nice" approach, as well. 8)
     
  6. lynn

    lynn New Member

    hmm, that's a great post!! i think you should write a book on the topic of rejection - something that a lot of ppl are having difficulty with either on the giving or the receiving end...
     

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