Afraid of asking girls for a dance

#23
I know part of the reason is that I danced a lot of time with an experienced dancer who got really angry if I messed up and yet was very disappointed when I did nothing special.


First of all, was this your teacher, who got angry at you? That is unacceptable and completely unprofessional.

Second, I am a dance teacher, and I come across this problem all the time. I will usually make sure to go to a few dance events with my student, and dance with him, but also introduce him to other people. I also outright ask people to dance with one another, if I am sure it won't be too awkward. I wonder if you have a dance teacher currently who could do this for you as well, if you asked?

Another point I wanted to make here is that most of my male students have a similar problem as yours, especially when they just start out. On the other hand, most of my female students never stop complaining about not being asked to dance enough! I can assure you that to the exception of a few very picky ladies, most would be more than happy to dance with you, whether or not you pull out your most spectacular moves.
 
#24
You do not understand. It is so frustrating. For a moment imagine you are in a nightclub dancing alone and the hottest girl in the place comes up to you and asks why are you dancing alone and ads you could get ANY girl here(that is how good I am solo) and she has not been the only one and nobody has even ever seen me slow dance with a girl. Saying it to me who has been a social outcast for my entire life. Yet I am there as lonely and isolated as a planet in space. It is like all my girl problems will be solved the moment I can ask for a dance yet to me it is like jumping out of a plane subconsciously. My mind knows this is retarded and that is where the frustration comes in BIG TIME.
I can remember when I felt the same way. Maybe you don't see it now, but what you go through in life that seems so challenging makes the reward all that sweeter. Around your age I went a couple of years without having a date, and I thought I would never figure it out. Dancing really helped me, and if you give it time, dancing will help you too.
 

Sagitta

Well-Known Member
#26
It is all about attitude. What is your attitude when you go to dance?


I also see the idea of talking mentioned in addition to dance. Are you going to dance to dance, to meet and socialize...? What is your purpose for dancing?

Friday night I had left the dance floor. I was drinking some water and a person whom I had danced with earlier was there. Since it was a bit quieter here than the dance floor I told her that she was really good, she said thanks but your lead really well. We chatted a bit and then silence fell. A male friend of hers standing nearby mentioned the heat, she agreed, he said it was time to remove his long sleeved shirt and I chimed in that he was lucky that he had a decorative t-shirt inside while I just had an plain white t-shirt. The guy explained he just happened to be wearing it and so just put the dress shirt on over it. Then I introduced myself, "By the way I am Virgilio" and a round of introductions happened.

There, some inconsequential talk, but I got to talk with a bunch of kids. But I am comfortable in my skin. I am ok with silences, or not talking at times. Or chiming in. If I made a mistake and the people react to me entering the conversation as I misinterpreted the group dynamics I am ok with extricating myself.

A last point. There is a big/huge difference between dancing in classes vs social dancing.
 

Sagitta

Well-Known Member
#27
Oh, and I forgot to touch on this - the title says "Afraid" Fear is our own worst enemy. Reality is often different from what is imagined. Often when we are afraid of something and actually try it out our worst fears are not realized. ;-)
 
#28
You do not understand. It is so frustrating. For a moment imagine you are in a nightclub dancing alone and the hottest girl in the place comes up to you and asks why are you dancing alone and ads you could get ANY girl here(that is how good I am solo) and she has not been the only one and nobody has even ever seen me slow dance with a girl. Saying it to me who has been a social outcast for my entire life. Yet I am there as lonely and isolated as a planet in space. It is like all my girl problems will be solved the moment I can ask for a dance yet to me it is like jumping out of a plane subconsciously. My mind knows this is retarded and that is where the frustration comes in BIG TIME.
Mehikene, if I told you to go ask a girl to dance - doesn't matter if she says yes or no - and if you did that and came back, I would give you a million dollars, would you do it ? I bet the answer is yes. So you are capable of doing it, you are just afraid. The only way to get over being afraid is.....

Take your best buddy with you to the salsa club. (They don't have to be a dancer). Give them 50 bucks before you walk in to the club. This is the game: The goal is to ask one girl to dance. Doesn't matter if she says yes or no, no matter what. If you don't ask one girl, your friend gets to keep the 50 bucks. If you do ask, you get your 50 bucks back. The amount of money is important - has to be a decently large amount - something that you don't want to lose.

Keep playing this game, raising the stakes from one dance to two, three, etc, and after a while, you'll forget what the problem was.
 
#29
Mehikene, if I told you to go ask a girl to dance - doesn't matter if she says yes or no - and if you did that and came back, I would give you a million dollars, would you do it ? I bet the answer is yes. So you are capable of doing it, you are just afraid. The only way to get over being afraid is.....

Take your best buddy with you to the salsa club. (They don't have to be a dancer). Give them 50 bucks before you walk in to the club. This is the game: The goal is to ask one girl to dance. Doesn't matter if she says yes or no, no matter what. If you don't ask one girl, your friend gets to keep the 50 bucks. If you do ask, you get your 50 bucks back. The amount of money is important - has to be a decently large amount - something that you don't want to lose.

Keep playing this game, raising the stakes from one dance to two, three, etc, and after a while, you'll forget what the problem was.
Had to reply to this. I think this is brilliant . Or play the game this way: each time
you ask you get $5.00 back. I think you'll be surprised with who says yes too.
 
#31
I've been dancing for 5 years and people tell me I don't
need goto dance classes anymore

because I go dancing 5-6 days a week! :p

I still go to classes because within one hour I can get know about 20 girls
within a class.

So when the social dancing start. I know 20 girls
already I can ask to dance.

If you want meet girls I find dance studio and classes
are better than dance parties or social nights.
 
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#32
Iam also on the shy side and I really have a hard time asking for dances....

I was lucky enough to have a regular partner to get my skills up to an ok level, but i still struggle to ask new people.

What helps me is this: I have a follower friend wo also has trouble to ask people to dance so we have a little agreement, I can point out some guy to her that she has to ask for a dance and vice versa.. somehow its much easier for me to ask a person someone else gave me as a "task"....
 

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