Annoyed at influx of newbie couples to the dance scene

#1
Sorry this is gonna be a bit of a rant. There seems to be an improvement in the dance scene in my city recently. I think everyone is finally getting sick of the "digital life" we all live in now and actually want to go out and do something interactive with people that doesn't involve going to a bar and spending lots of money getting drunk on alcohol.

Except one thing that's annoying is the influx of newbie couples who only want to dance with each other. It ruins the whole community vibe of dance. No, I'm not trying to get an opportunity to show off to your cute girlfriend how much of a good dancer I am compared to you. I'm all for couples who want to learn to dance but not at the expense of the community. If they really just want to only dance with each other, they should hire a private instructor. I'm all for people in general who want to learn to dance. Not so long ago, I was new to dance too and nervous but I'm lucky to be part of a great dance school that was supportive and encouraging.

I must say that when I first started dancing and I had encountered what I'm currently encountering in my social dance scene, I'd probably have been discouraged and quit. I was already struggling with being shy and self-conscious and if I had to also deal with being made to feel like a creeper by all these lovey-dovey couples, I would have quit. Yes, I admit, I am a single guy who is insecure about his relationship status. But I'm trying to improve my self-confidence. Dance is one of the ways in which I'm doing this.

I find myself doing more socially dancing at my dance school. It's the only reliable way of having a good night of dancing. It's more of an exclusive crowd and the married couples are beyond insecurity or jealousy. A lot of them signed up to learn to dance to save a deteriorating marriage.

I get that young, lovey-dovey couples are happy in their relationship and want to make it even better by learning to dance with one another but maybe they could do it without making all the single dancers feel like losers.
 

Steve Pastor

Moderator
Staff member
#4
married couples are beyond insecurity or jealousy
It'a been a really long time since I was married, but, I think not.

A lot of them signed up to learn to dance to save a deteriorating marriage.
Kind of contradicts statement #1.

My neighbors, who have two grow daughters and will soon be grandparents, have started taking dance lessons at Arthur Murray. With no kids at home, and one of them retired, they now have time to do things they want to do. (And just maybe me talking about my dancing all the time planted a seed...)

I get that young, lovey-dovey couples are happy in their relationship and want to make it even better by learning to dance with one another but maybe they could do it without making all the single dancers feel like losers.
Perhaps these people are actually saying to you, "You are a loser because you are by yourself." Probably not.
I'm going to propose to you that you are thinking this on your own. While you can't help having certain thoughts, you don't have to dwell on them.

Couples come and go at the places that I dance. I get annoyed when one of my partners pairs off with someone. But, I've learned to see that as motivation to "make new friends," as I tell people who bemoan that former regulars aren't around any more.
I also find that having several places that I go to regularly helps out when I have a less than satisfying evening at one place.
 
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RiseNFall

Well-Known Member
#6
If they really just want to only dance with each other, they should hire a private instructor.

.... if I had to also deal with being made to feel like a creeper by all these lovey-dovey couples, I would have quit. Yes, I admit, I am a single guy who is insecure about his relationship status.

I find myself doing more socially dancing at my dance school. It's the only reliable way of having a good night of dancing. It's more of an exclusive crowd and the married couples are beyond insecurity or jealousy.
I am really confused by a lot of this. I am also single and, yeah, absolutely, I have a much better time if the couples split up part of the time. However, they aren't in any way "ruining the scene" if they don't--it's the same as if they aren't there as far as my dancing is concerned. I truly don't understand the "they should hire a private instructor". What does their learning process (class vs privates) have to do with their social dancing???

Are you getting turned down for dancing, or being given the stink eye when you ask? If so, you might just need to read their body language better as to whether or not they want to dance with other people. It's usually pretty easy to tell. A lot of the time, newbie couples don't want to split up because at least one of them is insecure and terrified of dancing with other people. Tends to get better over time.

I also prefer social dancing at my school--at least at the moment. It's an easier, more comfortable situation because I know more of the people, plus I'm less likely to get my arm ripped off by an errant leader. :eek:
 
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snapdancer

Well-Known Member
#7
In dance classes that rotate, couple who think they shouldn't rotate complicate the rotation. Usually they're don't even have enough consideration to make sure that the rotating people know to skip them. They also don't progress as well as those who rotate, and can interfere that way.

As far as any message that you're a loser, that's all in your head, not theirs.
 

MaggieMoves

Well-Known Member
#8
Sorry this is gonna be a bit of a rant. There seems to be an improvement in the dance scene in my city recently. I think everyone is finally getting sick of the "digital life" we all live in now and actually want to go out and do something interactive with people that doesn't involve going to a bar and spending lots of money getting drunk on alcohol.
It is pretty much a complaint - and I thought this was more about the social dance scene outside of a studio as that is what it sounds like. Remember that the studio is like an incubator to the real world. You can't expect everyone to behave like they would at a studio social in say a salsa club with a live band.

Except one thing that's annoying is the influx of newbie couples who only want to dance with each other. It ruins the whole community vibe of dance. No, I'm not trying to get an opportunity to show off to your cute girlfriend how much of a good dancer I am compared to you. I'm all for couples who want to learn to dance but not at the expense of the community. If they really just want to only dance with each other, they should hire a private instructor. I'm all for people in general who want to learn to dance. Not so long ago, I was new to dance too and nervous but I'm lucky to be part of a great dance school that was supportive and encouraging.
People dance for their own reasons. Many people who start dancing only do so in group classes to decide if they want to delve into it further. No matter how you look at it, lessons from a private instructor are very expensive. It's just cost effective to start with group classes especially if you don't even know what kind of dancing you want to pursue.

I must say that when I first started dancing and I had encountered what I'm currently encountering in my social dance scene, I'd probably have been discouraged and quit. I was already struggling with being shy and self-conscious and if I had to also deal with being made to feel like a creeper by all these lovey-dovey couples, I would have quit. Yes, I admit, I am a single guy who is insecure about his relationship status. But I'm trying to improve my self-confidence. Dance is one of the ways in which I'm doing this.
Your insecurity isn't their problem. It's the job of the studio to foster more inclusive behavior, but you shouldn't take things like this to heart especially if they just started.

I find myself doing more socially dancing at my dance school. It's the only reliable way of having a good night of dancing. It's more of an exclusive crowd and the married couples are beyond insecurity or jealousy. A lot of them signed up to learn to dance to save a deteriorating marriage.

I get that young, lovey-dovey couples are happy in their relationship and want to make it even better by learning to dance with one another but maybe they could do it without making all the single dancers feel like losers.
I think that all of these points were addressed by my earlier comments. You shouldn't take things like this to heart. Just go and have fun, and the women will love to dance with you.

If you're behaving like this at a studio - I'll tell you right now that you'll fail miserably at a pub or club with couples dance. Women will see right through this and reject you on the spot for it.
 

newbie

Well-Known Member
#9
newbie couples who only want to dance with each other.... If they really just want to only dance with each other, they should hire a private instructor.
This is where I can't see the logic of your rant. Common sense suggests the opposite: if they wanted to dance with other people, then they would have to take privates and all, to get on par with the community.
 
#10
My neighbors, who have two grow daughters and will soon be grandparents, have started taking dance lessons at Arthur Murray. With no kids at home, and one of them retired, they now have time to do things they want to do. (And just maybe me talking about my dancing all the time planted a seed...)
Yah I didn't make up that part. I've gotten to know a few couples at my dance school and they told me firsthand (I don't know why they confided such information to me, I didn't ask) that one of the reasons they chose to learn dance together was to prevent divorce. One of the couples said their marriage had become routine and boring and was in a downward spiral and learning to dance together was a means to keep their marriage alive.

All the power to older couples who want to learn to dance for health reasons and because they need a hobby to do together now that they have the time. I don't have a problem generally with these type of couples because they're super friendly and they dance with everyone.
 

Larinda McRaven

Site Moderator
Staff member
#11
All of these self-decided shoulds will only make you crazy.
"Couples SHOULD do this"
"People SHOULD rotate"
"Dances SHOULD be for xyz kinda people"
"Privates SHOULD be for abc kinda people"


You don't get to make up social rules and apply them to everyone else. Larry David anybody?




Accepting that the social structure is the way it is.... and was before you ever showed up... will go a long way to helping you not be so irritated and paranoid. Their dancing and who they chose to dance with has nothing to do with you. Trust me. They are not sitting in the corner plotting how to make your dance experience miserable. And you getting cranky over it isn't going to change the scene. Learn to adapt and you will be much happier. Or you could just leave and go find another scene.
 
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cornutt

Well-Known Member
#13
Sometimes when we see that a newbie couple isn't dancing with anyone else, myself and one of my experienced female dancer friends will go up to the couple, introduce ourselves, and then ask them both for dances. I think approaching them as a couple seems less threatening; one spouse doesn't have to feel like they are "abandoning" the other one for a dance. And it helps with the newbie lead's "beginner's hell" problem, because a lot of them don't get many chances to dance.
 
#15
Sometimes when we see that a newbie couple isn't dancing with anyone else, myself and one of my experienced female dancer friends will go up to the couple, introduce ourselves, and then ask them both for dances. I think approaching them as a couple seems less threatening; one spouse doesn't have to feel like they are "abandoning" the other one for a dance. And it helps with the newbie lead's "beginner's hell" problem, because a lot of them don't get many chances to dance.
That's smart. I don't mind dancing with any lady willing to risk whatever mediocre dancing I may subject them to, but I'm not likely to leave my wife sitting to do so.

I'd be curious whether the op is being rejected by the members of these couples or just seeing them dance mostly together. It's easy to build momentum where a couple starts dancing mostly together because they're nervous and new and no one else asks them to dance. Then people see them dancing mostly together and assume they're exclusive.
 

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