Been Diss'ed?

AndaBien

Well-Known Member
#1
Have you ever been diss'ed by a partner?

I have, three times (that I remember and am aware of):
1) Dancing with a new partner at a festival, I thought we were dancing close embrace (not apilado), but she maintained a slight distance from me. Her breast grazed my chest a few times. At the end of the tanda she turned around without a word and walked off.
2) Dancing at a festival, after a dance or two she said she needed to find her regular partner and walked off. Don't know what that was about.
3) Asked a woman to dance on the 4th dance of a tanda. I thought it went well and asked if she wanted to do the next tanda, but she thought that was not appropriate.
 

Steve Pastor

Moderator
Staff member
#2
Yikes! I feel your pain.

Last night one of the young guys remarked that I wasn't dancing much. I told him I'd a few good dances, and that was enough. Too many times, I had one bad experience as things got late and I had been having an enjoyable evening that overshadowed the entire night.

So you're thinking this has to do with "close embrace" being too close for these women?
 

AndaBien

Well-Known Member
#3
...So you're thinking this has to do with "close embrace" being too close for these women?
I thought that was the distance that she had established. I was aware of the situation, but didn't know what to do about it. Maybe she was not bothered. In retrospect, I'd have opened up to arms-distance and seen what happened from there.
 

Peaches

Well-Known Member
#4
Her breast grazed my chest a few times.
I'd suggest there was something else going on. As a girl, you can't really dance AT if you're going to have an issue with your boobs touching the guy. Full stop, IMO. Hell, I heard one teacher describe the embrace as either one-nipple to one-nipple, or two-nipples to two-nipples. It doesn't work exactly, but it's damn close as an explanation.
 

twnkltoz

Well-Known Member
#5
I"m assuming you read this in the other thread, but I'll post it here for the sake of discussion.

A man asked me to dance on the third song of a tanda (at a milonga), then didn't wish to continue on the next tanda, made an excuse about needing a break, then 10 seconds later walked onto the floor with someone else. I was highly offended and didn't look at him the rest of the night nor the next time he showed up. At the end of the night that next time, everyone was saying goodbye and he looked at me and mentioned that we didn't get a dance and should be sure to do so next time. So who knows what that was all about. We had danced a couple of times before and he had been complimentary. Maybe he's just weird.
 

jantango

Active Member
#6
Have you ever been dissed by a partner?

I have, three times (that I remember and am aware of):
1) Dancing with a new partner at a festival, I thought we were dancing close embrace (not apilado), but she maintained a slight distance from me. Her breast grazed my chest a few times. At the end of the tanda she turned around without a word and walked off.
2) Dancing at a festival, after a dance or two she said she needed to find her regular partner and walked off. Don't know what that was about.
3) Asked a woman to dance on the 4th dance of a tanda. I thought it went well and asked if she wanted to do the next tanda, but she thought that was not appropriate.
1) Did you catch up with her and accompany off the floor? What did you want her to say? Thank you? It sounds like she was already thinking about the next tanda and wanted to return to her seat.
2) She needed to talk with her partner. She told you. She didn't need to explain.
3) Why did you want until the 4th dance of the tanda? There are men in BsAs who use this method, but it's not the traditional way. If they don't know how a woman dances, they have only one dance with her. If it goes well, they hang around and invite her verbally for the next tanda. It's used by those who can't get dances at the beginning of the tanda and aren't paying attention to the music.

I have never been on the receiving end of disrespect in the milongas, but I have had to say thank-you only twice before the end of the tanda and was escorted off the floor.
 

opendoor

Well-Known Member
#7
It was my fault. At the end of a festival party I asked a woman because the music virtually forced me to find a dance partner. I should have known better, her body language spoke volumes. She did not want to dance any more. It was an awful dance. But I had no choice.

1) Dancing with a new partner at a festival, I thought we were dancing close embrace (not apilado), but she maintained a slight distance from me. Her breast grazed my chest a few times. At the end of the tanda she turned around without a word and walked off..
Sounds like a veritable wrangling...
 

jantango

Active Member
#8
I"m assuming you read this in the other thread, but I'll post it here for the sake of discussion.

A man asked me to dance on the third song of a tanda (at a milonga), then didn't wish to continue on the next tanda, made an excuse about needing a break, then 10 seconds later walked onto the floor with someone else. I was highly offended and didn't look at him the rest of the night nor the next time he showed up. At the end of the night that next time, everyone was saying goodbye and he looked at me and mentioned that we didn't get a dance and should be sure to do so next time. So who knows what that was all about. We had danced a couple of times before and he had been complimentary. Maybe he's just weird.
Ignore him the next time and find the gentlemen at the milonga.
 

AndaBien

Well-Known Member
#10
1) Did you catch up with her and accompany off the floor? What did you want her to say? Thank you? It sounds like she was already thinking about the next tanda and wanted to return to her seat.
2) She needed to talk with her partner. She told you. She didn't need to explain.
3) Why did you want until the 4th dance of the tanda? ...
1) No, she was gone. I had no doubt that she was displeased. One can tell about that things like that.
2) She used that as her excuse; it was not her reason. Ever heard of, "I have to see a man about a horse"? Again, one can tell.
3)I wanted to dance and she was just sitting there, so I asked her. I could have waited until the tanda was over and tried to catch her attention. Instead, I chose to ignore propriety and ask her to dance then and there. If social convention means that I don't dance when I would like to, then I see little purpose in it.
 

jantango

Active Member
#11
1) No, she was gone. I had no doubt that she was displeased. One can tell about that things like that.
2) She used that as her excuse; it was not her reason. Ever heard of, "I have to see a man about a horse"? Again, one can tell.
3)I wanted to dance and she was just sitting there, so I asked her. I could have waited until the tanda was over and tried to catch her attention. Instead, I chose to ignore propriety and ask her to dance then and there. If social convention means that I don't dance when I would like to, then I see little purpose in it.
1) Then you probably made a mental note to never invite her again.
2) Do you prefer hearing I don't want to finish the tanda with you?
3) I don't want to be invited for the last dance of a tanda. I'd rather wait until the next one. Asking at the beginning of a tanda means I have a chance to get comfortable with a partner who wants to dance with me. I'll look around to dance during the second tune, but not the third.
 

twnkltoz

Well-Known Member
#12
I don't mind being asked for the last song of a tanda if it's someone I like dancing with and we then dance the next tanda as well...bonus song!
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
#15
Yep. It says, "I don't like dancing with you enough to do more than one song."

Then why ask?

If someone asks for one song, why not give them the benefit of the doubt and assume it's because they actually want to dance and, for whatever reason, couldn't dance for the first song or two?

That is strange. *shrug*
 

jantango

Active Member
#16
There's a stigma attached to being asked for just one dance, even if it's the last dance?
The last dance of a tanda or the last dance of the night? Those are two different things. There are times when a milonguero will invite a woman for the last two dances of a tanda to see how she dances. Even if he enjoys dancing with her, he will not invite her for the next tanda. This is one of the codes in BsAs.

The last dance of the night is La Cumparsita in the milongas of BsAs. The partner for the last tanda dances La cumparsita with the same person.
 

twnkltoz

Well-Known Member
#17
Then why ask?

If someone asks for one song, why not give them the benefit of the doubt and assume it's because they actually want to dance and, for whatever reason, couldn't dance for the first song or two?

That is strange. *shrug*
If he likes it, he should stick around for the next tanda or make a good excuse.
 

AndaBien

Well-Known Member
#18
1) Then you probably made a mental note to never invite her again.
2) Do you prefer hearing I don't want to finish the tanda with you?
3) I don't want to be invited for the last dance of a tanda. I'd rather wait until the next one. Asking at the beginning of a tanda means I have a chance to get comfortable with a partner who wants to dance with me. I'll look around to dance during the second tune, but not the third.
1) Of course.
2) In essence, that is what she said. I was just saying she didn't enjoy my dancing and excused herself from it.
3) I asked her to dance. I enjoyed dancing with her and I asked her to dance again. I don't see how that is an insult to her. She had a chance to dance more with me if she wanted to and she declined. That's all I'm saying about it.
 

Subliminal

Well-Known Member
#19
Then why ask?

If someone asks for one song, why not give them the benefit of the doubt and assume it's because they actually want to dance and, for whatever reason, couldn't dance for the first song or two?

That is strange. *shrug*
Meh, it does happen. Some people are so antsy about being "stuck" with a partner they don't like for 4 dances so they'll ask on the 3rd or 4th dance. Not always true, but it happens. I don't think it's a stigma per-say. If someone asked for a 4th dance but was just coming back from the restroom, or just joined the milonga, it's somewhat polite to ask for a second tanda from their partner. But not necessary.

It's complicated. It all falls under the "don't be a jerk" rule, rather than a real established code.
 

bordertangoman

Well-Known Member
#20
Have you ever been diss'ed by a partner?

I have, three times (that I remember and am aware of):
1) Dancing with a new partner at a festival, I thought we were dancing close embrace (not apilado), but she maintained a slight distance from me. Her breast grazed my chest a few times. At the end of the tanda she turned around without a word and walked off.
2) Dancing at a festival, after a dance or two she said she needed to find her regular partner and walked off. Don't know what that was about.
3) Asked a woman to dance on the 4th dance of a tanda. I thought it went well and asked if she wanted to do the next tanda, but she thought that was not appropriate.

it sounds like its all her stuff, and nothing to do with you. i wouldn't worry about it. I have had similar reactions when its been clearly to do with physical proximity to those not used to it. It is impossible to know why so i wouldn't even bother to second guess.

Some stuff can get sorted if you are communicating with the person, or wish to dance with them again on an another occasion.
 

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