Connection after getting over teacher crush

emb

New Member
#1
Hi I just registered but I've been reading up for awhile. This forum is helping me tremendously! I hope I can vent a little and would like to feel assured on teacher crush, which seems like a common thread...

Will try to keep history short... but it's impossible... sorry

Started ballroom about 2 years ago, at city rec type group lessons, by myself, although I'm (mostly) happily married for over 20 years. Wanted to take lessons for a long time and waited for my hubby to go with, thinking a married woman is not supposed to go dancing without her partner. Wrong! But didn't know until I started to go to dances.

In group classes I caught up quickly because I've taken ballet, jazz, belly, zumba lol etc through my entire life. About in 1 year started to take some private lessons. Didn't think I can afford private at first, but eventually I got my hubby convinced that I must do this, and he's okay for a few lessons per week.

At this point, I realized ballroom (esp Latin) is VERY intimate with the partner. Kinda felt guilty for my husband but I'm not planning to tell him, since he was not a dancer and probably wouldn't understand fully. By this time he started to go to a very casual group lesson with me and I'm happy about that. I'm just not counting that class as "my lesson" ;p

In the course of things I noticed everybody who is serious about dancing has crush on the teacher, including myself. In groups, no problem. Nothing so intimate. In my private lessons, it was okay because my first teacher was gay. ;)

Then I switched the teacher, about 6 months ago, going for more formally trained, competitive lessons. He is a great teacher and a dancer, and I love it. Maybe a little too much. So I read lots of threads on this and trying to keep my infatuation in check. I'm not in my 20s so I got this controlled, I think. But, omg he is a bad boy. No wonder he can't stay married. Professional flirt 24/7, and he's independent so no rules apply to him. Very lovable, walking (I mean dancing) disaster...

Anyway, so I decided to do a comp with him and am working hard. As I learn more, the connection becomes more and more important. I'm quite shy and can't look people in the eyes, so I really have to work on this. So here is my question. How can I connect with this guy very intimately and not to have so much crush on him AT THE SAME TIME! Is it even possible? In performance I have to play a role who is supposed to be in love with this guy and I really have to work at it. I even started to take other type of classes to overcome my shyness, be more bold, work at the audience, look sexy etc... and I'm going to have to direct all of those at my teacher! I feel like I have to have a split personality. How other people do this? What is your mindset...?

I already feel a bit better after ranting but I'd appreciate any advice....
 

DL

Well-Known Member
#2
At this point, I realized ballroom (esp Latin) is VERY intimate with the partner. Kinda felt guilty for my husband but I'm not planning to tell him, since he was not a dancer and probably wouldn't understand fully. By this time he started to go to a very casual group lesson with me and I'm happy about that. I'm just not counting that class as "my lesson" ;p
One of my eyebrows went up with "not planning to tell him."


In the course of things I noticed everybody who is serious about dancing has crush on the teacher, including myself.
I quite disagree with the "everybody who is serious" part. That's demonstrably not the case as stated, in the broader dancing community.

Then I switched the teacher, about 6 months ago, going for more formally trained, competitive lessons. He is a great teacher and a dancer, and I love it. Maybe a little too much. So I read lots of threads on this and trying to keep my infatuation in check. I'm not in my 20s so I got this controlled, I think. But, omg he is a bad boy. No wonder he can't stay married. Professional flirt 24/7, and he's independent so no rules apply to him. Very lovable, walking (I mean dancing) disaster...
My other eyebrow went up with the presence of "I got this controlled, I think" in this paragraph.

Anyway, so I decided to do a comp with him and am working hard. As I learn more, the connection becomes more and more important. I'm quite shy and can't look people in the eyes, so I really have to work on this. So here is my question. How can I connect with this guy very intimately and not to have so much crush on him AT THE SAME TIME! Is it even possible? In performance I have to play a role who is supposed to be in love with this guy and I really have to work at it. I even started to take other type of classes to overcome my shyness, be more bold, work at the audience, look sexy etc... and I'm going to have to direct all of those at my teacher! I feel like I have to have a split personality. How other people do this? What is your mindset...?

I already feel a bit better after ranting but I'd appreciate any advice....
So, after your ballet, jazz, belly, and zumba -- what exactly is your motivation for pursuing ballroom? At least for me, focus on particular goals was a way to stay appropriately on course in my dance education.

ETA: I mean that question rhetorically.
 
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fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
#3
my sympathy...I think you should be assured that many people over the course of their dance history have had to be emotive with a partner, regardless of circumstance, and not acted out on it...crush or no crush....I a can only tell you this: that excitement, no matter how strong, is not worth the cost of your marriage...and, despite what you may be feeling, dance instructors are replaceable and you will eventually be able to feel a connection to another one...so, when it starts feeling like torture, not sweet agony, I would recommend telling your spouse, to hold yourself accountable, or if you want to spare him the pain, leave the current pro.....

welcome to df and much luck to you
 

emb

New Member
#5
I hope I can use "reply" correctly, please tell me if I'm doing it wrong. And I'm not a native English speaker so if I say something in a unusual way please forgive my poor English... I appreciate all the input.

One of my eyebrows went up with "not planning to tell him."

I quite disagree with the "everybody who is serious" part. That's demonstrably not the case as stated, in the broader dancing community.

My other eyebrow went up with the presence of "I got this controlled, I think" in this paragraph.

So, after your ballet, jazz, belly, and zumba -- what exactly is your motivation for pursuing ballroom? At least for me, focus on particular goals was a way to stay appropriately on course in my dance education.
ETA: I mean that question rhetorically.
DL,

I actually told my hubby "don't worry about acting sexy and all with my teacher because he's gay" when I had my first teacher. What can I tell him now...? Maybe "not interested in that way but just for dancing?"

Shouldn't have said "everybody", just maybe the ones I noticed, which isn't that many... and probably I thought that way because I was. Projection?

I do have it under control! I will not jeopardize my marriage over this. I just have this butterfly in my stomach sometimes and don't know what to do.

I'm so fascinated by everything about ballroom. Especially the connection and the partnership. I had a chance to perform in other dances in the past, but I was feeling like "what's the meaning to pursue this so deep since it's not like I'll be a professional anyway". In ballroom, the partnership gives me a meaning. I want to dance beautifully, and he knows how to make me do it...

fascination,

Thank you for your sympathy. I'm thinking how I can tell my hubby and not make him worry... "honey, it's okay he's really cute and acts really flirty but I'm just dancing" ummm

Loki,

I know, right? But it's good to know that I'm not alone....

And I just realized, I'll probably have another crush if I switch to a new teacher... Am I the problem? lol But it's not likely to switch, I don't have that many options at where I live.
 

FancyFeet

Well-Known Member
#6
I think it's about shifting your focus. It's completely ok that dance makes you feel beautiful and sexy and alive... just try to remember that it's dance that is doing that, not your pro. If it's the first time that you've come across someone that makes you feel that while you dance with them, it can be easy to get the two confused.

I am usually a standard dancer, but do on occasion dance latin with my pro. I used to struggle with being "sexy", because while I feel affection for him, I have absolutely zero romantic or lusty feelings for the guy. I'm also not really into the obvious and overtly sexy or being all 'look at me'.

What I found is that when I connect with the music and the dance, and let it show that I am enjoying myself and feeling powerful and confident and happy, it reads as if I'm acting sexy with him... but I'm not. He's involved, because he's part of it being a really good dance, but I'm focussing on the whole experience, not just on the person.

(It's to the point with us where it's become a joke... it's not unusual prior to a rumba to hear one of us say "pretend you want me." :D)
 

stash

Well-Known Member
#7
Let me also state that the fact that you have a crush isn't a bad thing necessarily. Crushes and squishes happen. It's human nature. And you can learn to control them, either through reminding yourself that this is just dancing or by distancing yourself for a time to get control of your feelings.

I think your husband will be more understanding if you tell him now and be honest up front now rather than holding on to this and him either finding out later, or you telling him later and him feeling like you hid it from him.
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
#8
I am not suggesting that you tell your husband that it is no big thing...I am suggesting that if it becomes a larger feeling that starts influencing how you behave, prioritize, react or make decisions, then you need to actually say, " I was feeling too personally attached to him because of the nature of all of the time together in close proximity" and then actually leave...I am not suggesting that you minimize it unless you get to the point where it is no longer a big deal
 

RiseNFall

Well-Known Member
#9
I have told a dance teacher that I needed for him to not say certain things to me. He respected it. One really does not have to flirt with one's students and the student does not have to respond. Yeah, I know, it's can be fun, but when you know it's not a good thing, just don't do it. Honestly, I think it's easier to do whatever acting is appropriate for each dance if there is a clear "don't go there line".
 

Mr 4 styles

Well-Known Member
#11
Emb.... If your husband is secure in your relationship he will get it. Make sure he comes and watches you compete. "That's my lady out there " type of thing. You have to act in love with your partner in certain dances and if you have a source of this emotion and can channel it it will help your dancing in the long run.

And despite what you may feel 99.5 percent of dance teachers don't "want" their students Your money however...
 

IndyLady

Well-Known Member
#12
I quite disagree with the "everybody who is serious" part. That's demonstrably not the case as stated, in the broader dancing community.
I have to jump on this bandwagon... I've never been attracted to any of my instructors. Not to say they aren't attractive, just that it's a platonic relationship and I can't imagine it otherwise.

Honestly, I think it's easier to do whatever acting is appropriate for each dance if there is a clear "don't go there line".
I will agree with this, however. I've had one instructor who got a little carried away with the "acting" (particularly during social dancing) where it wasn't always clear if it was overacting or taking advantage of those sorts of blurred boundaries. We did have a talk, but I did find myself often feeling a bit defensive even after that.
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
#13
Emb.... If your husband is secure in your relationship he will get it. Make sure he comes and watches you compete. "That's my lady out there " type of thing. You have to act in love with your partner in certain dances and if you have a source of this emotion and can channel it it will help your dancing in the long run.

And despite what you may feel 99.5 percent of dance teachers don't "want" their students Your money however...
well, to be fair, there is whether or not he is secure
whether or not he should be
and whether or not she is placing herself in a position where any of those responses are subject to change...


it is a slippery slope so one has to be "eyes wide open" and not deceive oneself
 

emb

New Member
#14
I think it's about shifting your focus. It's completely ok that dance makes you feel beautiful and sexy and alive... just try to remember that it's dance that is doing that, not your pro. If it's the first time that you've come across someone that makes you feel that while you dance with them, it can be easy to get the two confused.

I am usually a standard dancer, but do on occasion dance latin with my pro. I used to struggle with being "sexy", because while I feel affection for him, I have absolutely zero romantic or lusty feelings for the guy. I'm also not really into the obvious and overtly sexy or being all 'look at me'.
Me neither! I usually don't like to draw attention from anybody on me. (Wrong hobby? lol) I'm almost trying to totally change my personality when I dance. And it's confusing.

What I found is that when I connect with the music and the dance, and let it show that I am enjoying myself and feeling powerful and confident and happy, it reads as if I'm acting sexy with him... but I'm not. He's involved, because he's part of it being a really good dance, but I'm focussing on the whole experience, not just on the person.

(It's to the point with us where it's become a joke... it's not unusual prior to a rumba to hear one of us say "pretend you want me." :D)
That's a really good way to think, focus on the dance itself. It is a pure joy for me and totally true. And "pretend" is a really good word, I'll be telling myself that.
 

emb

New Member
#15
Let me also state that the fact that you have a crush isn't a bad thing necessarily. Crushes and squishes happen. It's human nature. And you can learn to control them, either through reminding yourself that this is just dancing or by distancing yourself for a time to get control of your feelings.

I think your husband will be more understanding if you tell him now and be honest up front now rather than holding on to this and him either finding out later, or you telling him later and him feeling like you hid it from him.
Thank you... I do have to find ways to distance myself. Although I do realize that he's that way with anybody else, not just with me. He flirts harder with some and less with others. He's probably somewhere in between with me. I just have to not let it escalate. I know it's my responsibility...
 

emb

New Member
#16
I am not suggesting that you tell your husband that it is no big thing...I am suggesting that if it becomes a larger feeling that starts influencing how you behave, prioritize, react or make decisions, then you need to actually say, " I was feeling too personally attached to him because of the nature of all of the time together in close proximity" and then actually leave...I am not suggesting that you minimize it unless you get to the point where it is no longer a big deal
Gotcha, I'm not there yet and don't plan to be! One thing I can tell is that it's not that personal for him, I realize that he is just "that way". And I wasn't particularly attracted to him at first, until I got used to dancing with him and feeling more comfortable. So danger is still there but I see it, I just have to separate being comfortable from getting too close emotionally. Sounds about right?
 

emb

New Member
#17
I have told a dance teacher that I needed for him to not say certain things to me. He respected it. One really does not have to flirt with one's students and the student does not have to respond. Yeah, I know, it's can be fun, but when you know it's not a good thing, just don't do it. Honestly, I think it's easier to do whatever acting is appropriate for each dance if there is a clear "don't go there line".
I'm not good at verbalizing what I want or don't want (cultural perhaps) especially to elders & teachers. But you are right, I don't have to respond. Taking mental notes with bold and highlights!
 

emb

New Member
#18
Emb.... If your husband is secure in your relationship he will get it. Make sure he comes and watches you compete. "That's my lady out there " type of thing. You have to act in love with your partner in certain dances and if you have a source of this emotion and can channel it it will help your dancing in the long run.

And despite what you may feel 99.5 percent of dance teachers don't "want" their students Your money however...
Yes, my husband is secure and not jealous type. I'm lucky... but we may be even too cool (there got to be a better word) with each other. And he is coming to the comp. But I definitely do not want my kids to see me that way!

And like I mentioned, I realize his flirting is not personal or special for me. It's just my reaction that I'm having hard time, while trying to get a better connection for dancing.
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
#19
Gotcha, I'm not there yet and don't plan to be! One thing I can tell is that it's not that personal for him, I realize that he is just "that way". And I wasn't particularly attracted to him at first, until I got used to dancing with him and feeling more comfortable. So danger is still there but I see it, I just have to separate being comfortable from getting too close emotionally. Sounds about right?
you are fortunate if he isn't really interested...but if a small part of you is wishing that he was, I hope for your sake that he isn't....or that you know what you wouldn't do if he was....I get you on the "not attracted at first" thing...been there, done that, bought the shirt, bag and lovely hair clip....no sane married person would ever intend to have a crush
 
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fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
#20
I'm not good at verbalizing what I want or don't want (cultural perhaps) especially to elders & teachers. But you are right, I don't have to respond. Taking mental notes with bold and highlights!
about teachers and elders....remember that sort of hierarchy is something that can be a problem when someone does want you to engage...and that too may be part of what contributes to the attraction.....
 

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