Crush on Instructor...

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
#41
having missed alot of posting last night, I will also say..that candor, while also the way I work, does in fact have to be tempered by what it can do to the parties concerned...it is important to consider how expendable the dance relationship is to both of you, to consider his level of maturity /personality/ restraint to be able to work with you with that sort of information...it is his livlihood we are talking about here?...are you expendable? and can YOU find another instructor if he can't work with you?...and lastly, if you tell him, is that where the info is likely to stay?...are there others who might be hurt as well?...i.e. do you have a boy friend etc...it all has to be done or ignored from a rational perspective...because keeping it to yourself or telling can both be done poorly, and both be done well..

for example, if you just ignore it and wait for it to go away, CAN you avoid being moody emotional and depressed?...if not, you're not really ignoring it...and he'll know something is up...and probably think you're a bit odd, unless he figures it out, to boot...

BUT, you also don't want to tell him in the midst of some major upheaval....

either way, it has to be thought through and stuck with...and either way it takes alot of internal fortitude to do right...again, my sympathies b/c rational or irrational, love or attraction, or some other psychological dynamic, you didn't pick it ...you're only stuck with how to play it out
 
#43
if u like the guy .. go for it..

if it dont work.. then it dont work.. atleast u gave it a chance and thats better than wondering later on.. u can always dance anywhere with anyone at any studio.. but u can't always click well with another person in a special way..

just be sure its not just a crush .. cause that wouldn't be worth risking a good thing since it passes..
 
#46
awwww I am truly thankful for everyone's responses and advice...

everyone is so kind here, thank you for that. :)

I've tried to just let it go, and move on, even with the hidden feelings I have for him...but then there will be times where he acts super interested and nice to me, which I'm sure is normal among teachers. And when this happens, my feelings grow again, and I get all crazy over it.

We are definately friendlier to each other than I noticed among the other students. He is an amazing teacher, the best one there, in my opinion....I've taken lessons with some of the other instructors, and he is amazing, so I wouldn't want to lose him as a teacher.

I would feel uncomfortable to tell him my feelings cause I feel it'll make the whole situation awkward. But we are close, and he has mentioned that since we talk so much during our lessons, that we should spend a day outside the studio just talking, haha. Casually, we have tried to arrange a day to meet outside the studio, but he never would follow through. That's what gets me. He acts friendly, then gets distant.

I think that all goes back to the idea of how his career is on the line and he wouldn't want to cause any trouble by meeting a student outside the studio?

I guess I should try to let it be, not get all caught up in the emotions. It's extremely hard because I struggle inside and get all upset and frustrated over him. I have to work hard at it. I don't want to lose him as a teacher, and also friend. I enjoy his company and I guess I will try to keep it that way for now. I've just been doing this for a while now, I can't seem to get over him. We'll see how things turn out - maybe something could develop depending on how he acts, or maybe it'll all die down.

I just wanna thank everyone again for your kind words. It really does mean a lot!
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
#47
Several years ago, I had a dance teacher with whom I was emotionally involved. Not romantically. No sirreee! He's very gay. lol. Thank goodness. Or I might've have been lost -- rather awkward, since I was in a long-term committed relationship at the time.

Umm. What helped me was to start taking lessons with other teachers, in addition to him. Interacting in a friendly way with other dance teachers helped lessen the intensity of my feelings for him. For one, I wasn't spending four or five days a week, sharing stories and dishing gossip with my main teacher. For two, it gave me a more objective means of comparing his behavior toward me with other teachers' behavior toward me.

And three, in my case, at least (not yours -- mine,) it turned out that his emotional "involvement" was mostly for show. That's my interpretation, looking back on his subsequent behavior and after years of healing.

He was manipulating many of his female students in order to get them to buy lessons. I won't go into a lot of detail about how I know (although the story's here, in other threads. lol) This thread is about you. :cool:

My take? If you want to keep dancing with this teacher, then it might help if you find a way to create some distance between you and him. Even a little distance might help you find a space in which to figure out your own feelings.
 
#48
I would feel uncomfortable to tell him my feelings cause I feel it'll make the whole situation awkward. But we are close, and he has mentioned that since we talk so much during our lessons, that we should spend a day outside the studio just talking, haha. Casually, we have tried to arrange a day to meet outside the studio, but he never would follow through. That's what gets me. He acts friendly, then gets distant.

I think that all goes back to the idea of how his career is on the line and he wouldn't want to cause any trouble by meeting a student outside the studio?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but you didn't tell us this part lol. I was in a similar situation at the college I worked at. There was a hottie instructor that I worked with. I was a student first, and while I knew that he liked me, it was again the student/teacher thing. Then when I got hired onto the school, we became the best of friends. (It helped he taught psychology, so I could talk about my problems lol.) Anyways, one day he finally asked me out for beer. (I hate beer lol.) But I didn't go. He asked me out two more times. I guess it was the old saying third times the charm, or as what my x used to say as soon as he discovered American baseball, three strikes your out lol. But I guess what happened wasn't so much cold feet, because I did like the guy, it was just that it felt to awkward. I still looked at him as a teacher even though that had changed. Not to say that I wasn't flattered by him asking cause all of the girls wanted him to ask them lol, but I don't know. It was just weird. And that could very well be your problem here. While he might like you, he might back down because that teacher/student situation always comes to haunt you in your head. Trust me I wish it didn't haunt mine but it did at that time lol, and still does. So, I wouldn't take it personally either way.

Oh here's one idea that I just thought of though. Have you ever thought about bringing a guy to class with you? It doesn't matter who he is as long as it's some guy. The reason is because you could get a better idea as to how your instructor acts if you were to do this, and then you wouldn't have to ask him. You'd pretty much know. ;)

I guess I should try to let it be, not get all caught up in the emotions. It's extremely hard because I struggle inside and get all upset and frustrated over him. I have to work hard at it. I don't want to lose him as a teacher, and also friend. I enjoy his company and I guess I will try to keep it that way for now. I've just been doing this for a while now, I can't seem to get over him. We'll see how things turn out - maybe something could develop depending on how he acts, or maybe it'll all die down.
In this case I'd say allow fate to take it's course of action, but I believe in fate etc. If it were meant to be then it would happen. And hey, maybe my situation was supposed to happen, and if it still is then it will work it's way back into my life somehow. I guess though that feeling this way has helped me from getting hurt to much and to get to involved with things even though I'm sure not everyone feels this way lol.
 
#49
Sigh. I was an instructor for a while. I've seen this happen time and time again, whether it be my students or other instructors students. There was a saying going around our studio that everyone falls in love with their first dance teacher. Sure, we meant in sort of tongue-in-cheek, but in all honesty, it appears that everyone goes through this stage. I still think my first dance teacher is one of the best dancers I've ever seen-- I know he's not, but since we went through that time of me getting exposed to something completely new and wonderful and fun, I was always, always think that about him.

I think the big clue here is that he never follows up on meeting you outside the studio. If he was interested, he would. He's probably just being polite. I couldn't tell you how many times I've turned down requests to hang out outside the studio because of this-- and when I ignored the rules and hung out with my students anyway-- but never in a romantic context. I am now good friends with several of my former students--friendships that started building while I taught them.

It could be that his feelings for you are mostly for show, to keep you interested, or it could be that he's a naturally bubbly and friendly person like most dance teachers are. When you're holding each other and doing things that dancers do, the inexperienced students tend to take the person's natural friendliness the wrong way.

EDIT: How old are the two of you, and how long have you been taking lessons, both with him and overall?
 
#50
Sigh. I was an instructor for a while. I've seen this happen time and time again, whether it be my students or other instructors students. There was a saying going around our studio that everyone falls in love with their fast dance teacher. Sure, we meant in sort of tongue-in-cheek, but in all honesty, it appears that everyone goes through this stage. I still think my first dance teacher is one of the best dancers I've ever seen-- I know he's not, but since we went through that time of me getting exposed to something completely new and wonderful and fun, I was always, always think that about him.
I agree. Although, in dancing it's hard to know since it's so intimate anyways lol. I guess I'm used to it, but I know when I first started I was shocked by it all lol.

I think the big clue here is that he never follows up on meeting you outside the studio. If he was interested, he would. He's probably just being polite. I couldn't tell you how many times I've turned down requests to hang out outside the studio because of this-- and when I ignored the rules and hung out with my students anyway-- but never in a romantic context. I am now good friends with several of my former students--friendships that started building while I taught them.
We meet outside of the studio too, but that's to go dancing in the clubs, and that's always a blast. Otherwise, I've only hung out with the girls like when we go shopping for showcases and things like that.

It could be that his feelings for you are mostly for show, to keep you interested, or it could be that he's a naturally bubbly and friendly person like most dance teachers are. When you're holding each other and doing things that dancers do, the inexperienced students tend to take the person's natural friendliness the wrong way.
Yep. That can certainly happen. It's happened more than once at my studio. One of the girls said that her friend wasn't going there any more, because she thought one of the male instructors liked her. I thought that was a shame, but again, she wasn't used to the intimacy of dancing. But I guess to it depends on the reasons why you go in and why you want to stay. I went in to get away from men lol. I know, it seemed like good therapy at the time lol. But what's great about dancing is that there are always those gentleman that make you feel special which is sometimes more than what you get at home (like in my case) that's for sure.
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
#51
Sigh. I was an instructor for a while. I've seen this happen time and time again, whether it be my students or other instructors students. There was a saying going around our studio that everyone falls in love with their first dance teacher. Sure, we meant in sort of tongue-in-cheek, but in all honesty, it appears that everyone goes through this stage. I still think my first dance teacher is one of the best dancers I've ever seen-- I know he's not, but since we went through that time of me getting exposed to something completely new and wonderful and fun, I was always, always think that about him.

Thank goodness my first dance teacher was gay!! lol. So I fell in love with some aspects of him. But never lust, thank goodness. Never lust. *whew*

And when you add in the way many of us start dancing as adults -- to fill an emotional hole -- it just makes the possibility of "love" even higher, because the teacher, perhaps indirectly, is filling an emotional need that nobody/nothing else is, at that time.

I'm not demeaning what I felt for my first dance teacher, by the way. I'm just saying that, although my feelings/behaviors were (naive but) genuine, his were maniuplative. But I'm sure it's just as possible that lots of people have developed long-term, wholesome friendships or, in some cases, real romantic relationships, on the dance floor.

It's a complicated thing. :?
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
#53
if he has tried to arrange something outside of lessons ...unprompted by you...it sounds as if he is confused as well...but if he cancels those occasions that may well be a sign to leave it alone...let him figure himself out first...if he does, he will let you know...

I will also second the notion that there are some dance teachers who know how to work the angle of their attractiveness ...in my situation this was not the case...lol...but I have had other intructors who are interested in getting my business give me candy, a little ten minute free tutoral, scrape the ice ice off of my windshield, have time to listen, yada yada...and meh, maybe it was all out of the goodness of their heart, dunno... and ya know, it is a business...there is a fine line between friendly and over the edge and it is elusive...and manipulation runs both ways...which is why I tend to be either totally businesslike or totally cards on the table, or both, but never anything in between anymore....that is just what works for me...but I don't delude myself into thinking it is an overarching solution for anyone else....just more to consider Summer
 
#54
I definately don't think it's for money....

He doesn't own the studio, and he has plenty of students already. Since he is already full with students, sometimes it's hard to schedule a lesson since he is completely booked. He's even suggested to me to take lessons with a female instructor to further develop my dance.

We are both 22 years old. I've been taking lessons with him for about 1/2 a year, and about 2 years in total at a previous studio.

He's not my first instructor, I took lessons at another studio and with the former teacher I did realize that he would manipulate his students for more lessons, etc. But I can tell with my current instructor that it's not that way.

I think if it continues to frustrate me, I'll take your advice and try to distant myself by taking lessons with other instructors. I guess I have to see how things turn out...
 

Purr

Well-Known Member
#56
I don't neccessarily think it is something to try to get rid of... or avoid him/the situation... why not just let it run its course and enjoy the fuzzy feeling along the way. It is kinda fun to experience emotions like that ... without the pressure to do anything about them. Just feel them for what they are and let them be. They will fade in time and you won't make yourself nuts by beating yourself up over them.
Good advice. :)
 

DancePoet

Well-Known Member
#57
Maintaing the teacher/student and the boyfrieng/girfriend thing at the same time is very very difficult. The student/teacher relationship is inherently lopsided, one person in intended to be in the power position. Yet in a personal relationship the balance of power should be equal. The desire or expectation for all of the relationships to equalize is very strong, and so creates an immense amount of tension when they don't.
Excellent view to share. :cool:
 

DancePoet

Well-Known Member
#58
I guess this is what I think it comes down to....can you let it go and just dance...or are you too miserable? ...if you can't keep it to yourself you need to appreciate that the response you get might not be the one you are looking for...but at least then you will be living in the real world..IME, these things are best out on the table so that all parties can make decisions based upon knowlege of what is going on instead of a bunch of unstable underlying currents....fantasy is not always so fun...but lots of folks would prefer it to having to give it up....
More excellent ideas shared here. :cool:

Ultimately, being confident and secure enough to be truthful, realizing that the reply one gets may be less then what is desired, and being accepting enough to move on while having a plan to proceed with whatever the eventual direction is, all could be very wise.
 

DancePoet

Well-Known Member
#59
Do we have hundreds of threads on this subject or what? We should have had a teacher/student sticky. Oh well.
Summing it up? There's a chance it's all because of the dancing and not because of the person. Think about it. A guy and girl, doing dips and turns, moving their hips around, doing incredibly sexy gestures... Not to mention the fact that your teacher usually has to get pretty intimate with your body. From a point on, it can come almost naturally. Which is why you have to be 100% sure you really, REALLY aren't confused by the dancing before letting yourself fall for a teacher. I've had my share of confusions. It ain't easy to tell.
Now, let us assume that you are indeed having feelings that are unrelated to the dancing part or the teaching part. I've heard of stories where a teacher/student relationship ended up well. Marriage. Pro partnerships. I've also heard of stories when it has gone BAD. Real bad. From getting fired to getting a horrible rep to who knows what else.
So be careful. Very, very careful. Odds are he's being distant because there are rules against dating. Or maybe he doesn't like you. Who knows? Are you willing to risk your lessons, your reputation, maybe even his job on a "maybe"?
Think about it. Good luck, and welcome to DF. :D
T_E, you keep impressing me wiht your views. :cool:
 

DancePoet

Well-Known Member
#60
I appreciate everyone's kind and supportive responses...

I'm miserable b/c I like him so much. We get along so well, we are the same age and it makes it even harder because we have very much the same interests.

I was reading some of the older threads, and I'm understanding that there can are so many different problems that can arise. It seems like it would be a bad idea to try to pursue something with my teacher. I wouldn't want to create any drama, and it wouldn't be fair to him.

I may be building things in my head. I just don't know how to get over him. It's hard b/c we click so well.

What should I do? Should I just try hard to let it go??
If you decide not to risk it, know there are plenty of guys out there and he isn't the last person you will feel like you do about him currently.
 

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