Explain to me this newfangled dating process!

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
DancePoet said:
pygmalion said:
fascination said:
if one is screening for bad habits, one will be alone for a long time
:lol: :lol: I totally agree. 8)
I've been screening for bad habits and I'm not alone. ;)

It is all in type of bad habits you screen for, and we all have choices. :D
I screen for "bad" habits as well, although I prefer to call them irritating, since "bad" is a judgment I prefer not to make. A lot of "bad" habits in ones person's eyes are just quirks or characteristics in another person's eyes. 8)

For example, although I defend their right to smoke, I'm not interested in dating smokers.

On the other hand, I drink a couple glasses of red wine almost every day of my life. For some people, that's a deal-breaker bad habit, since they don't want to date a "drinker." "Bad" habits are in the eye of the beholder, I think. 8)

Although I think I see where you're coming from, I do think it's fairly unrealistic to think I'll find someone with no habits that irritate me, though. Minimal irritating habits? Yeah. I guess that's a reasonable goal. :)

You're right. The process is different for everyone. 8)

I also think that, as relationships mature, perceptions or circumstances can sometimes change. So the same thing one thought was no problem can sometimes become a big problem. Eh.

So, technically speaking, I guess I'm not really talking about screening or dating. Those are early in the process, before the relationship gets challenged by life. I'm talking about developing long-term relationships. In that first flush of hot-and-heavy love/lust/attraction/infatuation, hey. I can put up with anything. I think many of us can. A couple years down the road, though, I'll be honest. The unwashed dishes, tendency to "forget" to call when he's going to be late, and the middle-of-the-night snoring can be just a tad less appealing. (Just examples. No one in particular in mind. :wink: :lol: :lol: )
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
pygmalion said:
On the other hand, I drink a couple glasses of red wine almost every day of my life. For some people, that's a deal-breaker bad habit, since they don't want to date a "drinker." "Bad" habits are in the eye of the beholder, I think.
8) I knew you were a red wine girl after my own heart...she says as she sips her glass of "evening prayer" 8)

pygmalian said:
So, technically speaking, I guess I'm not really talking about screening or dating. Those are early in the process, before the relationship gets challenged by life. I'm talking about developing long-term relationships. In that first flush of hot-and-heavy love/lust/attraction/infatuation, hey. I can put up with anything. I think many of us can. A couple years down the road, though, I'll be honest. The unwashed dishes, tendency to "forget" to call when he's going to be late, and the middle-of-the-night snoring can be just a tad less appealing. (Just examples. No one in particular in mind. :wink: :lol: :lol: )
are you sleeping/living with my husband :lol: :wink: ?
 

DancePoet

Well-Known Member
pygmalion said:
DancePoet said:
pygmalion said:
fascination said:
if one is screening for bad habits, one will be alone for a long time
:lol: :lol: I totally agree. 8)
I've been screening for bad habits and I'm not alone. ;)

It is all in type of bad habits you screen for, and we all have choices. :D
I screen for "bad" habits as well, although I prefer to call them irritating, since "bad" is a judgment I prefer not to make. A lot of "bad" habits in ones person's eyes are just quirks or characteristics in another person's eyes. 8)
I'd say the same if we are using the word "irritating". What may be irriating to one person may not to another, thus again this may be a judgment. ;)

For example, although I defend their right to smoke, I'm not interested in dating smokers.

On the other hand, I drink a couple glasses of red wine almost every day of my life. For some people, that's a deal-breaker bad habit, since they don't want to date a "drinker." "Bad" habits are in the eye of the beholder, I think. 8)
Or it could be considered irritating.

Although I think I see where you're coming from, I do think it's fairly unrealistic to think I'll find someone with no habits that irritate me, though. Minimal irritating habits? Yeah. I guess that's a reasonable goal. :)
Ok.

You're right. The process is different for everyone. 8)

I also think that, as relationships mature, perceptions or circumstances can sometimes change. So the same thing one thought was no problem can sometimes become a big problem. Eh.
A wise observation. However, if the fundamental building blocks are already in place to resolve the issues a co-commited relationship can provide, then the relationship and the issues can be handled in a mature fashion without much hyper-focusing on the habit.

Besides, if the habit became a big problem, then this implies that it was really a problem to begin with. ;)

So, technically speaking, I guess I'm not really talking about screening or dating. Those are early in the process, before the relationship gets challenged by life. I'm talking about developing long-term relationships. In that first flush of hot-and-heavy love/lust/attraction/infatuation, hey. I can put up with anything. I think many of us can.
Ok, this is why people get into the relationship problems to begin with. They "put up with anything". Then when the issue rears it's ugly head during the 2nd stage of relationships and there isn't fundamental values already in place by both of the partners, and there is not a process in place to resolve these issues, a couple can never get to the 3rd stage where they can find much joy through a mature relationship, and there is know way to keep the good things alive beyond the 1st stage.

No one needs to "put up with anything". This is a choice. A person can choose to date someone who has a strong value system similar to their's or they can choose to date someone who does not, enter the 2nd stage, and then become so entangled in that stage that they can't ever reach the joy possible in a mature 3rd stage of the relationship. Been there done that, don't want to experience it again. And if I get into a 2nd stage and I discover that there is truelly not a real co-commitment going on, that is both inidividuals are not committed to certain key values and common goals, then it is time to look elsewhere and find someone with better habits in these areas.

A couple years down the road, though, I'll be honest. The unwashed dishes, tendency to "forget" to call when he's going to be late, and the middle-of-the-night snoring can be just a tad less appealing. (Just examples. No one in particular in mind. :wink: :lol: :lol: )
Why would anyone put up with this stuff in the first stage if they are truelly interested in creating a conciously loving long term relationship?
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
DancePoet said:
Why would anyone put up with this stuff in the first stage if they are truelly interested in creating a conciously loving long term relationship?
are you serious?you would punt someone for having a tendency to forget to call? and snoring geez, short of breathe right nasal strips what' s a guy to do..plus my husband didnt start snoring until a decade in....and (tongue in cheek) if women are supposed to screen for a guy who remembers to call there are gonna be ALOT of single women out there :lol:
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
DancePoet said:
pygmalion said:
[
So, technically speaking, I guess I'm not really talking about screening or dating. Those are early in the process, before the relationship gets challenged by life. I'm talking about developing long-term relationships. In that first flush of hot-and-heavy love/lust/attraction/infatuation, hey. I can put up with anything. I think many of us can.
Ok, this is why people get into the relationship problems to begin with. They "put up with anything".

Oh DP! I didn't say I "put up with anything." I said I can. Big difference. There's a good reason why the saying, "Love is blind," is a cliche. Because there's a lot of truth underlying the cliche. In the early stages of relationships, people see their lover through rose-colored glasses a lot of the time, I think. That's just human nature. 8) *shrug*

I also think that, as fascination suggested, things change over time, in little ways and big ones. A lot of things in relationships can be unpredictable, because people change in unpredictable ways. I think it'd be very difficult, if not impossible, to tell years in advance how your spouse is going to react to the death of their parents, for example, or the birth of a child or a major health issue or the loss of a job.

"Pre-screening" is great for the early stages of a relationship, IMO. But it's only a small part of the picture. The hard stuff comes later. Just my experience. 8)
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
I think there is something to be said here also about the difference btwn "putting up with" and "bearing with lovingly"...obviously when we put up with too much we become a resentful doormat....when we bear with lovingly either b/c we have voiced our view once and trust the other person to do their best or b/c we have accepted that the habit/behavior is currently beyond that person's capacity to change...that IS love ...a decision to accept, unconditionally.....not to be a compromising doormat but to be a real generous expansive person who doesn't require their own personal idea of relationship perfection in order to be committed....committment is committment not a pact contingent upon ideal circumstances and not a decision to accept mediocrity b/c one doesn't want to embark upon the difficult quest of improvement as an individual or a couple......

it seems to me these days that folks place very little value on tolerance anymore....(OMG, I sound like my grandmother)lwe want everything in a perfect package...and while it is fine to have high goals....if we don't see something as worthwhile unless/until it has evolved into our ideal...we are missing the trip...and not really improving at all b/c the big part of relationship is forgiveness and acceptance...if that is seen as settling...one is in heap big trouble (IMO)...this soap box moment is not geared, entirely at you DP...just one of my little lectures to anyone who cares to listen :oops:
 

fascination

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Staff member
pygmalion said:
Oh fascination! I think I love you! :friend: Agreed, agreed, and agreed. :D
and I know you are capable of it, not in spite of all of my flaws, but with them...and the same sentiments back at you...we are the mutual admiration society :together:
 
fascination said:
I think there is something to be said here also about the difference btwn "putting up with" and "bearing with lovingly"...obviously when we put up with too much we become a resentful doormat....when we bear with lovingly either b/c we have voiced our view once and trust the other person to do their best or b/c we have accepted that the habit/behavior is currently beyond that person's capacity to change...that IS love ...a decision to accept, unconditionally.....not to be a compromising doormat but to be a real generous expansive person who doesn't require their own personal idea of relationship perfection in order to be committed....committment is committment not a pact contingent upon ideal circumstances and not a decision to accept mediocrity b/c one doesn't want to embark upon the difficult quest of improvement as an individual or a couple......
That is so well said! My dh and I, especially my dh, bears up with me lovingly ("Oh how nice, another pair of black shoes!!")
After both of us going through long, not necessarily happy marriages, we are celebrating our 15th anniversary on Thursday. We are planning our 50th, mmm, we will both be over 90 but should be able to dance at the celebration.
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
well um...I didn't get that "bear with one another lovingly" thing on my own :wink: found it in a rather popular ancient text :wink:


awesome about your anniversary...my 20th anniversary is tomorrow...I was married 2 weeks after my 20th birthday.....and it hasn't lasted b/c it has been perfect...but no one is settling or repressing either :lol:
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
fascination said:
well um...I didn't get that "bear with one another lovingly" thing on my own :wink: found it in a rather popular ancient text :wink:
I thought I recognized that. :wink: :D

It's really amazing how those things that I learned as a little, little girl pop up when I need them. When I was little, they were just words. Now, they're a life's compass... if that makes any sense. :? When you're making decisions, the principles just seem to come back to you, when you need them. 8)

(Gotta call Mom and Dad and say thank you. 8) :D )
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
fascination said:
awesome about your anniversary...my 20th anniversary is tomorrow...I was married 2 weeks after my 20th birthday.....and it hasn't lasted b/c it has been perfect...but no one is settling or repressing either :lol:
Happy anniversary. Tomorrow is my sister's ... uh ... 31st anniversary. Wow. Coincidences. I guess I'd better call her. :D
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
pygmalion said:
fascination said:
well um...I didn't get that "bear with one another lovingly" thing on my own :wink: found it in a rather popular ancient text :wink:
there is so much misuse of said ancient text, it is nice when it gets used the right way, but now that I've gone there, LET'S NOT!!!!!!

pygmalian said:
It's really amazing how those things that I learned as a little, little girl pop up when I need them. When I was little, they were just words. Now, they're a life's compass... if that makes any sense. :? When you're making decisions, the principles just seem to come back to you, when you need them. 8)

(Gotta call Mom and Dad and say thank you. 8) :D )
there is alot to be said for giving kids a compass from which to steer toward or away from their upbringing...or both...as long as it is done in a way that causes no harm, know that sounds kind of vague but trust you to ponder it well enough
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
pygmalion said:
fascination said:
not in spite of all of my flaws, but with them
I think this is a key, fascination. Wow. Has anybody ever told you that you're pretty smart? :wink: :friend:
someone(a good friend) just loved me that way once and I saw how good it was...and it is so wonderful to be able to do that with others....suppose that sounds really sappy or something but I see it change people all the time...don't know if I mentioned that I work for hospice but I spend alot of time doing this sort of thing.....

we are all smart at some things and not so smart at others...I think we were meant to live together as community for that very reason..we all need each other...it is a shame that we realize it less and less or only when something like a death occurs
 
fascination said:
well um...I didn't get that "bear with one another lovingly" thing on my own :wink: found it in a rather popular ancient text :wink:


awesome about your anniversary...my 20th anniversary is tomorrow...I was married 2 weeks after my 20th birthday.....and it hasn't lasted b/c it has been perfect...but no one is settling or repressing either :lol:
And congratulations on your twentieth.
I watch and listen as my kids and their spouses or so's pick on each other. I want to knock their heads together when they argue over something as simple as who left milk out on the counter! The "who did it"
is so unimportant
 

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