Having fun at milongas

sixela

Well-Known Member
#62
I see this snobbish attitude all the time.
You're obviously better equipped to see that than to detect a sense of entitlement.

I think I posted a picture of a lady leading another lady and just walking. That's even worse than "knowing only the box step", innit? Yet that follower was smiling. I guess if you ever come across these two ladies you'll just have to mansplain it to those poor deluded ladies who haven't yet seen the light.

especially if he's more advanced
"Advanced", "advanced"...tango is not a game of levels and has more than one dimension.

By the way, I usually use the rule "One rejection - no more asking the lady for life, unless she's very nice."
Why am I not that surprised...
 
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#63
What will happen to such a lady if a new partner knows only how to lead the box step? I see this snobbish attitude all the time. Many ladies will ignore you even when you're more or less good.
In a larger group, tango included, I expect some (usually not many) in my eyes "snobbish" people, men and women of course.
But do they try to prevent me from enjoying a milonga? Not up to now.

It's completely different with a man, especially if he's more advanced. If a lady is nice and cheerful, he will lead the few steps that she knows with great pleasure.
What about men that attend events with an abundance of females not to end up with clumsy steps of ugly followers - are they snubbish?

By the way, I usually use the rule "One rejection - no more asking the lady for life, unless she's very nice."
For various reasons I "asked" from time to time. And if that got rejected, nobody is perfect, I did not repeat that. These ladies are free to use mirada/cabeceo or ask me. So what?
 

sixela

Well-Known Member
#64
Leaving the initiative to someone else during a milonga if she refused once is OK (also, I don't want to appear pushy. I hold no grudges if you refuse a tanda, but if you want to dance with me later, I do expect you'll find a way to signal your interest. I'm already creepy as heck when I don't stalk).

Women who know me will sometimes refuse a cabeceo with added sign language for "later", BTW, rather than just "no".

But "no more asking for life", that sounds quite spiteful. There are many reasons why a lady could not want to dance this tanda with you.

You're not entitled to that tanda with her just because you asked, so even though you have no obligation to dance with her, not ever dancing with her because she refused you once is simply a stupid reason not to.
 
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#65
I would not consider "excuses" of ladies with which I dance regularly as a "rejection" but a kind of confidence.

In the beginning I dealt with one question: How I shall enjoy dancing in the future with someone that didn’t enjoy dancing with me in the past? Equally whether by an explicit take down, a no-mirada or just a tight-lipped "thanks".
Nowadays am I quite relaxed with that - and maybe in some cases I'll never figure that out. I don't have to be everyone’s darling and others don't have to, either.

But we should not totally push aside that there are usually some ability and social structures in tango, call it "level" or "hierarchy" or something else.
 

sixela

Well-Known Member
#66
And even incompatibilities of style, or sometimes even imagined incompatibilities of style, e.g. a lady who sees you dance a certain way with another follower and just assumes that you wouldn't adapt if you danced with her, or wouldn't adapt on different music.

Heck, if I were a lady I'd probably refuse to dance with someone who dances like I do with my regular practice partner in a Biagi tanda (she is just crazy when dancing on Biagi with me, because she knows I'll deal with whatever she comes up with without getting peeved. I usually respond in kind).

I don't dance a Laurenz/Bermudez tanda with someone else that way, though.
 
#67
You're not entitled to that tanda with her just because you asked, so even though you have no obligation to dance with her, not ever dancing with her because she refused you once is simply a stupid reason not to.
I don't comprehend the idea that every leader must dance with every follower.

I feel when a lady doesn't want to dance with me for some reason. She can even accept my invitation, but stretch out her hand to keep me a foot away. If she says "No", I feel her dislike very strongly.

It's better to concentrate on those ladies who are fun to be with even if they are beginners.
 

dchester

Moderator
Staff member
#70
I don't comprehend the idea that every leader must dance with every follower.

I feel when a lady doesn't want to dance with me for some reason. She can even accept my invitation, but stretch out her hand to keep me a foot away. If she says "No", I feel her dislike very strongly.

It's better to concentrate on those ladies who are fun to be with even if they are beginners.
I feel this thread has gone off on a tangent, but in any case (generally speaking), leaders don't dance with every follower, just like followers don't dance with every leader. Maybe everyone ought to, but that doesn't typically happen (except maybe in small tango communities).

Everyone has their own reasons why they might (or might not) dance with someone else. Yes, life isn't fair, rejection can hurt, but dealing with it is simply part of being a guy. If I conclude someone doesn't want to dance with me, I just ask others. Why waste time asking someone who doesn't seem to want to dance with you? Also, if it turns out that they do want to dance with you, they'll often let you know.
 
#71
That's not what I said, and I objected to "the rule" you stated: that the reason that you would not ask a lady _FOR LIFE_ (your words) would be that she refused an invitation _ONCE_.
When I enter a ballroom, I'll know which lady I may have fun with 2-5 minutes later.
I'll notice gorgeous ladies immediately.

I can't even imagine saying "No" to any of those ladies if they invite me.
If I say "No" to a lady, I don't want her 100% even if she'll improve her dancing in the future. But this kind of lady will ask again and again.
 

sixela

Well-Known Member
#72
"A wise man changes his mind sometimes, a fool never"

My current regular practice partner (whom I had really delicious tandas with just yesterday) at first refused my invitation. She's not the only lady I enjoy dancing with that did.
 
#73
My (now not only) tango partner stated that I had been leading quite rigid a year ago.
But it's essential that she enjoys it now, otherwise that would be a major issue for me.
There's no fun for me if someone is not pleased before, while or after dancing.
But the better I dance the less is it of interest, from time to time there will be an occasion to revise that.
 

Gssh

Well-Known Member
#74
But the better I dance the less is it of interest, from time to time there will be an occasion to revise that.
In some ways i think this orthogonal to better/worse - personal preferences and styles change, and over the years i have experienced both becoming a better partner for some dancer, and a worse partner for others. I am trying to make an effort to actively seek out followers i have not danced with in more than a year or so, just to see if our preferences have become more similar.
 
#75
Of course, Gssh, but by point was not related to a partner but to me - the better I dance the more self-confident am I.
And the more self-confident I am, the less am I thin-skinned towards bigheaded or real rejections.
(Others will feel different, without a concept of "better" and and a benefit it would nevertheless be useless to improve.)
 

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