Heard any good jokes? (keep it clean and polite)

inside jokes and a real one lol

ok this was when i was at fair with my friend Ashleigh and her boyfriend bryan

we where talking about who wears the pants in there relationship and he said "of course i wear the pants!" and ashleigh chirped right it "but I control the zipper!" it was soo funny we still laugh about it.
heres another joke.
Friends are friends
Pals are pals
and buddys sleep together
and ashleigh went Buddy! to me haha its just a lil inside joke we dont really that would be odd.

ok heres some real jokes.

how do you kill a blonde hanging from a tree branch with one arm?

You wave!

here is something my boyfriends friend did to him.

They where sitting in English one morning and the heaters where on so my b/f's friend stuck a pen on the heater and got it super hot.. Then placed it on the back of my boyfriends neck and my boyfriend shouted Jes*s Chr*st! in front of the whole class! and this is a religous school so everyone turned and stared at him wondering what his problem was. but he didnt get in any trouble which is good.
Hope you enjoyed
Psychiatric Hotline Voice Menu

If you are normal, press 1.

If you are neurotic, press 2.

If you are psychotic, press Jupiter.

If you have multiple personalities, press 4, 5, and 6.

If you have a problem with injuring yourself, press 8 with your nose, very hard.

If you are cynical, press any number. They're all the same.

If you are paranoid, don't bother. We already know what you want.
OMG my friend sent me a txt msg making me call that number becuz his batterie was low and somehting was going on so i called and i was like what the heck!?!/ i thought he thouhgt something was wrong wit me to make me call a hotline or something


Well-Known Member
Heard this one tonight at group class:

Tango is a dance for the fall season. Know why? Because in the spring, you get a tan. During the summer, you maintain that tan. But in the fall, you watch the tan go.


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I have two:

So, f(X) walks into a bar, and the baman takes one look at him and says, "I'm sorry, we don't cater for functions here"

And the second: choosing your words with care:

'I'm not wearing my wedding ring,' I said with abandon.

'I'm losing my hair,' he bawled.

'How do I keep this fire going?' she bellowed.

'Use your own toothbrush!' she bristled.

'I love the novels of D.H. Lawrence,' said the lady chattily.

'I won't put the Rottweiler down,' the owner declared doggedly.

'You must be my host,' he guessed.

'Stop burning that aromatic substance,' his father said, incensed.

'I love camping,' he said intently.

'Do you call this a musical?' asked Les miserably.

'I love hot dogs,' said the man with relish.

'I wish I'd bought a flat on that street in Paris,' she said ruefully.

'Some you lose,' he said winsomely.

'Your flies are undone,' was the zippy rejoinder.

And I'll leave it at that.


Well-Known Member
This is a little late but here goes:

You've heard the expression "when pigs fly". Well, now it's been confirmed and is front page news ...

swine flu
I'm using this when I retire ;)

me in 35 years time said:
Dear Boss.
Last night in bed, your wife told me you'd found out about our affair and were going to fire me today. You've not been getting much satisfaction recently, so I won't spoil the trend. This is my letter of resignation.
Don't worry about a reference, I'll tell you now, she's bloody marvellous.

Yours forever more,

Paul (flashdance)


Well-Known Member
My turtle

Turtles are known to hibernate, so when mine did not move for 2/3 days, I wasnt sure..so.. took him to the vets ( thought he might have passed on ).. he said it would cost $ 50 to examine, because it was difficult to check.. after about 5 min., he said he thought he had passed on, so i said, is there nothing else you can do to be sure ??... he replied, I have just one more idea. 2 mins later he brings in his Siamese cat who sniffs around it and leaves.. he then said, I have one last sure fire thing, so.. in comes his labrador.. the dog picks it up and shakes it.. nothing..
So he said, it looks like you need a new turtle.. he then presents me with the bill.. $ 250 !!

I said, I thought you said $ 50.. he replied, Yes, but you ordered a Cat Scan and a Lab test...


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Staff member
lol...TC....I know this is where I should practice my merging but if you see this before I figure it out can you move this to the jokes thread?


Well-Known Member
The U.S. General, newly arrived in Iraq, was touring the various bases which had been established by "the Coalition of the Willing". One particular place he wished to visit was a hospital which had been set up by a Scottish medical regiment. He had heard of the wonderful things they were doing, and wanted to see for himself, in hopes that he might be able to duplicate their successes.

On his tour of the hospital, he entered one ward with a young doctor at his side. He approached one soldier in bed, and asked, "How are they treating you, soldier?"

The soldier replied,

"Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftan o' the pudding race!
Aboon them a' ye take your place, pinch, tripe or thairn
Weel are ye wordy of a grace as lang's my arm"

The general was a bit surprised at this, and moved on to the next bed.

"And how are you, soldier?"

"Ha! Where ye gaun, ye crowlin ferlie,
Your impudence protects you sairly;
I canna say but ye strut rarely Owre gauze and lace;
Tho' faith I think ye dine but sparely On sic a place."

Now the general was nonplussed, but, wishing to appear unfazed, he bade the soldier farewell and moved on to the next bed.

"And you, soldier, are you getting enough to eat?"

"O THOU! Whatever title suit thee,
Auld Hornie, Satan, Nick or Clootie,
Wha in you cavern grim an' sootie, Clos'd under hatches,
Spairges about the brunstane cootie, To Scaud poor wretches."

By now, the general is beside himself in confusion. Turning to the doctor beside him he asks, "Is this the psycho ward?"

"No, General", the doctor replies, "This is the Serious Burns Unit."

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