Heard any good jokes? (keep it clean and polite)

bordertangoman

Well-Known Member
The U.S. General, newly arrived in Iraq, was touring the various bases which had been established by "the Coalition of the Willing". One particular place he wished to visit was a hospital which had been set up by a Scottish medical regiment. He had heard of the wonderful things they were doing, and wanted to see for himself, in hopes that he might be able to duplicate their successes.

On his tour of the hospital, he entered one ward with a young doctor at his side. He approached one soldier in bed, and asked, "How are they treating you, soldier?"

The soldier replied,

"Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftan o' the pudding race!
Aboon them a' ye take your place, pinch, tripe or thairn
Weel are ye wordy of a grace as lang's my arm"

The general was a bit surprised at this, and moved on to the next bed.

"And how are you, soldier?"

"Ha! Where ye gaun, ye crowlin ferlie,
Your impudence protects you sairly;
I canna say but ye strut rarely Owre gauze and lace;
Tho' faith I think ye dine but sparely On sic a place."

Now the general was nonplussed, but, wishing to appear unfazed, he bade the soldier farewell and moved on to the next bed.

"And you, soldier, are you getting enough to eat?"

"O THOU! Whatever title suit thee,
Auld Hornie, Satan, Nick or Clootie,
Wha in you cavern grim an' sootie, Clos'd under hatches,
Spairges about the brunstane cootie, To Scaud poor wretches."

By now, the general is beside himself in confusion. Turning to the doctor beside him he asks, "Is this the psycho ward?"

"No, General", the doctor replies, "This is the Serious Burns Unit."
"I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until ... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant."

M.Burns
 
Cookbooks can be exciting, what with all the stirring chapters!


What caused the Dark Ages?

The Y1K problem!


What has orange hair, big feet, and comes out of a test tube?

Bozo the clone!


I had amnesia once, maybe twice.


Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
 
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!
 
To Keith & Rita!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!
Hilarious!
:banana:
 
More Corny Dance Jokes!

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician. "All you have to do" she told her class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around."

Which dance will a chicken not do ? The foxtrot !

What is a duck's favorite dance ? The quackstep !

What is a frog's favorite dance ? The Lindy Hop !

What dance do hippies hate ? A square dance !

Two fonts walk into a dance club. The barman says to them, "Get out. We don't serve your type here."

:spam:
 

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