There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he
died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money
and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the
afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting
there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they
finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close
the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the
casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it
away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put
all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my
word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
Officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and
needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some
kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a
new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the
bank. She has the title and everything checks out so the bank agrees to
Accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and
its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000
Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank
then proceeds to drive the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground
garage and parks it there.
Three weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $18.41 the loan officer says, "Miss, we are
very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked
out very well, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we
checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What
puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
three weeks for only $18.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Her back is a lot better, although it still bothers her from time to time. She figures that's probably just soreness from getting back into into the groove after so much time off. Her vocal cords are just fine, though.
A married couple in their early 60's was out celebrating their 45th anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being so faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife. "The fairy waved her magic wand and poof-two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands. Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The wife, and the fairy, was deeply disappointed,but a wish is a wish.... so the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - The husband became 92 years old.
The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.
I've seen the same sort of thing done in sketch form:
Old man wishes for young woman and she appears.
Young woman wishes for young handsome man in place of old fellah and lo, he appears; then the young man wishes for another young man and they go off arm in arm...
The Washington Post's "Style Invitational"occasionally asks readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some past
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who does not get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an *******
A tourist lost in the city, goes up to a street performing tap-dancer, puts a dollar in the cup and asks, "How do you get to Carnegie Hall?"
Tap-dancer, "Practice, man, Practice."
Tourist goes back to Topeka, buys a set of tap shoes, takes lessons, practices every spare moment.
Six months later, he`s back in the city, finds the same tap dancer, puts a dollar in the cup and says, "Man, I don't know, I'm spending all my money on lessons, my girl dumped me because I had no time for a life. I tried out for a theater group and they turned me down. My feet always have blisters and I'm worried about my left knee."
The Tap-dancer kept on dancing and said."Drive twelve blocks north, turn right at the third traffic light, go four blocks, Carnegie Hall will be on your right"
WIFE VS HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."
A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked,
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you
can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife
responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would
be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
Coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you
get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The
husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe
that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several pages that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"
THE SILENT TREATMENT A man and his wife were having some problems at
home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (a nd LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.