Heard any good jokes? (keep it clean and polite)

Men are like...

I know not all men are like.....below, but some of the stuff is so funny.

Men are like....

1. Men are like ...Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like.Bananas ........ The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ......Weather .. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .......Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores . Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ..Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara .. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .Popcorn ...... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ......Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots . All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.


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i'm not personally into the male-bashing/female-bashing list jokes... never found them funny, myself. not a view of men or women i want to have in my life...
Ditto. Because even though they are written as "jokes", the author of the jokes apparently feels there is some reality to what they've written. Just as I don't like misogyny, I also don't like male-bashing.


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Had been married for 28 years, so I've heard all of them. Though I was present at some of the events she'd base her "jokes" on and she must have been somewhere entirely else.

To repeat a quoting I heard of either Norm or the other guy:
"Women! Can't live with them ... pass the beer nuts."


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don't worry about it...I am not moderating you...I am merely, just like the next 3 people after me, stating my opinion...which BTW, I think was milder than theirs...if there would be a reason to exercise care, it would be that IMO...no worries


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I should have probably added that within that team of programmers in which that Norm/Cheers quote was brought up, it was quickly modified into a frequent comment:

"Computers! Can't live with them ... pass the beer nuts."


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Okay, this one might be rated PG-13 for language but is cute:

6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'knat'." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,
and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat knat it won't be Cheerios!"


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clearing throat...ahem...erm...okay.....

so there is a new husband store in NY

yep...only rule is you can't go back down to a lower floor once you have gone up...

1st floor...these men are all employed

(hmm, sounds interesting, better see what's on the next floor)

2nd floor....these men all love children and are employed

(nice, but I'll try my luck on three)

3rd floor...these men are all employed, like children and are handsome

(yeow, now we are getting somewhere)

4th floor...these men are all employed, love children, are handsome as all get out, and help with the house work...

(geez I really should stop but there are two more floors and this is going so well)

5th floor...these men are all employed, love children, are handsome as all get out, help with the housework, and are terrribly romantic...

omg, I just can't imagine what could be better than that

6th floor.... welcome to the 6th floor you are the 300 millionth woman to visit, no man like this exists...evidence that women are never satisfied


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and...there is also a new wife store...

1st floor...these woman are all rich


2nd floor...these women are rich and sexy beyond belief


3rd floor...sorry this floor is closed due to lack of interest, no man has ever come up here before
My Calculus teacher has little kids so he likes to tell us the same jokes that he tells them. Now you have to imagine these being told by my teacher to make them really funny- he's about 6'2 wears the same ironed white t-shirt and khakis every day and has a realllly thick Boston accent. He tips people who come to bring in papers. Or sometimes, since he's head of the dept and kids come to him for books, he'll tell my class- "Look class! It's our new German exchange student Hans! Say hello to Hans." Great way to scare some freshmen.

One that he likes to tell us often- yes it's silly and stupid, but hey-

Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?

It died.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

Monkey see monkey do!

Why did the third one fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure!

Sadly we all laugh harder at the- Why did Timmy fall of the bicycle? Because he was a goldfish! Yes, it makes little sense.

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