How to flirt, and why.

Flirting is fun. Modern dating sucks. Apparently all I attract are wimps.
Well, if you really are only attracting that type, you should ask yourself why. Maybe you're an unusually good listener or perhaps you tend to meet a lot of people who are recently divorced or going through some sort of life transition?

You can find out some of a person's qualities through flirting, too. When someone flirts, is really just about them expressing attraction to you or expressing their own needs and concerns (as was the case with the guy I was discussing), or are they also demonstrating interest in who you are?
 
I think it's mostly I despise the dating process and emotionally desperate people and just want to meet someone who doesn't NEED sobby weepy emotional support but just wants a companion, too. Because they don't like being alone, not because they actually want to talk about their feelings or are looking for someone to fill some sort of psychological void. Yet every time I try the whole "give the nice but unattractive guy from dance/the rink/tangentally the job a chance" he's another loser from an eHarmony commercial with some kind of mommy complex.

Flirting is fun. Modern dating sucks. Apparently all I attract are wimps.
My first thought upon reading your posts, and your criticisms of men is this: It takes one to know one.
 

toothlesstiger

Well-Known Member
But I think it's really the person more than the activity. Anything seems fun with the right person.
My point, exactly. And I'm just trying to suggests ways to improve the odds of meeting the right person, not adopting new hobbies, necessarily.

And to my point from before, I spent 8 years massively involved with an institution that was 75% female, and had maybe a couple of dates out of that. I stayed that long because of a genuine interest, but it didn't help my social life. I did something different (dancing), and that had a near immediate impact.

You've got to keep trying different things until something actually works. ;-)
 

toothlesstiger

Well-Known Member
There is a greater challenge once you get out of your early twenties. The more we go along, the more set we get in our ways. The more characteristics we define as "non-starters". And, of course, everybody else in your acceptable age range is doing the same thing. And there are fewer available as folks get married off.

When I was in college, I met all kinds of girls. I just didn't have what it took to properly take advantage of that.

If everybody you meet in a certain activity fails to pass your filters, then perhaps that activity doesn't tend to attract your type.

If everybody you meet in all your activities fails to pass your filters, then perhaps you want to reconsider your filters.
 
There is a greater challenge once you get out of your early twenties. The more we go along, the more set we get in our ways. The more characteristics we define as "non-starters". And, of course, everybody else in your acceptable age range is doing the same thing. And there are fewer available as folks get married off.

When I was in college, I met all kinds of girls. I just didn't have what it took to properly take advantage of that.

If everybody you meet in a certain activity fails to pass your filters, then perhaps that activity doesn't tend to attract your type.

If everybody you meet in all your activities fails to pass your filters, then perhaps you want to reconsider your filters.
All good points. I admit to being out of my early twenties, and yes, it was so much simpler to meet people back then. You're in college, or in your first job, there are tons of people your own age, and all of them single. If you're lucky, you meet a person you can grow with - like fasc said, where you enjoy, appreciate and encourage each other's journey, even if your interests are different. Or you meet someone but it doesn't turn out like that, and then you have to start all over again when you're much older. Not easy.
 

samina

Well-Known Member
I think that is uncalled for
quite agree.

DOI, it sounds to me like a case of opposites attracting. IME with this sort of thing, the more you embrace your own emotional needs, or cultivate understanding for another's, the more you'll come to the middle on this and also start being attracted to (and attracting) men who are also more balanced in that way.

matters of attraction are only marginally conscious...most of that dynamic lies beneath the surface, in unconscious choices & values. we can gripe and try to manipulate things on the surface level all we want, but the patterns of attraction that run through our lives never change until we shift what's underneath.

and it can shift a helluva whole lot if we do that. IME, anyway.
 

Dots

Active Member
Cute - but that's just it - my point is, dating is a challenge even for those with opposite sex-friendly interests. Most of my sports-loving female friends still lament a lack of men. I've seen some Meetup events and clubs for things like target shooting, rock climbing, and paintball, and believe it or not, even those things get more women than men. I'm sure there are single guys doing those activities - but they're probably just doing them with a couple of longtime guy buddies, rather than joining a new group.
I had a similar experience with singles activities before I met my current girlfriend (after years of often frustrating search). I tried interior wall climbing, flying trapeze, singles parties and a few other things before I realized that the people participating were more interested in the activities and casual socializing than dating.


I also discovered that not all internet dating web sites are created equal. The first two dating web sites I registered to practically forced the men to make all the moves while the third that I went to encouraged women, through internal mechanics, to block off pesky incoming messages and do some searching of their own.


I guess the point that I’m trying to make is that each dating tool (singles activities, speed dating, internet dating) has a target audience and favors certain behavior. If one tool is not producing results then it might be a good idea to check out another.


That’s my (hopefully useful) 2 cents.​
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
quite agree.

DOI, it sounds to me like a case of opposites attracting. IME with this sort of thing, the more you embrace your own emotional needs, or cultivate understanding for another's, the more you'll come to the middle on this and also start being attracted to (and attracting) men who are also more balanced in that way.

matters of attraction are only marginally conscious...most of that dynamic lies beneath the surface, in unconscious choices & values. we can gripe and try to manipulate things on the surface level all we want, but the patterns of attraction that run through our lives never change until we shift what's underneath.

and it can shift a helluva whole lot if we do that. IME, anyway.
I think you are onto something here...I know lots of people who cite instant attractions and all that...but, IME, most of the time my deepest attractions have been over people I did not find attractive initially AT ALL and with whom I had some rather significant differences but, over time, grew to understand and appreciate
 

samina

Well-Known Member
I think you are onto something here...I know lots of people who cite instant attractions and all that...but, IME, most of the time my deepest attractions have been over people I did not find attractive initially AT ALL and with whom I had some rather significant differences but, over time, grew to understand and appreciate
i love that you grew to understand and appreciate those key relationships over time. such a valuable journey.

at the same time, i do know what that "instant attraction" can be like, and i have felt it for every one of my significant relationships, i think throughout my life -- a kind of instant "recognition", really, and usually accompanied by a sense of fascination (hah) that sounds something like "who ARE you????"

i'm not talking about the chemistry one might feel on a dance floor at 2am :)cool:)...i'm referring to something that's instantly recognizeable as "something", even if one doesn't know what it is or why or what it might look like. ETA: it's like someone gives you a bag full of gold and you can tell there's something substantial & valuable in there, as compared with if someone gave you a bag of plastic. :)

but still, whether it's instant or evolves over time, still...huge unconscious influences govern the area of attraction. we tend to be attracted or repulsed by people's "energy signature" based on what lies within our own energies & psyches. and most of us are pretty sleepy when it comes to identifying what lurks in there. :tongue:
 

kckc

Active Member
wow, this thread took on a life of its own.

FWIW, the whole point is that you have to FIND someone to flirt with in the first place, which it seems is what Jenny/DOI were trying to say when this train fell off the rails. Hope I didn't mis-understand...

I have had men tell me I am too intimidating- not scary intimidating, but "you are smart, beautiful, confident and can dance" intimidating (someone who flirts with me shamelessly and gets it in return said that, though he is not the only one). That person happens to be at least 15 years older than me, which is VERY common among the men who do flirt with me. Closer to my age, I don't meet many, if any, AVAILABLE men to even begin to flirt with. (Location does play a part also I think, as I live in the "great place to raise a family" region, which many men are doing, therefore, not available).
 

toothlesstiger

Well-Known Member
Flirting is a tool. It can be used for platonic socializing, it can be used to explore the possibilities of a relationship. And yes, that is different from finding potential relationships. Plenty of people get into relationships without flirting.

It has been said, many times, many ways. It's about chance and numbers. You've got a certain chance to meet someone compatible. If there's a 1% chance per person, if you meet 100 people, you will probably have met someone compatible.

You can change the probabilities by adjusting your filters. You can change how long it takes to meet a suitable someone by increasing the numbers that are subjected to your filters.
 
Agreed TT. Without substance, flirting can only get you so far. In the end your basic steps need to be solid before we can add in the advance body isolation, spin and turns (my instructors always say).
 
Flirting is a tool. It can be used for platonic socializing, it can be used to explore the possibilities of a relationship. And yes, that is different from finding potential relationships. Plenty of people get into relationships without flirting.

It has been said, many times, many ways. It's about chance and numbers. You've got a certain chance to meet someone compatible. If there's a 1% chance per person, if you meet 100 people, you will probably have met someone compatible.

You can change the probabilities by adjusting your filters. You can change how long it takes to meet a suitable someone by increasing the numbers that are subjected to your filters.
Okay, how's this for probabilities? Went to a happy hour meetup tonight at one those craft micro-brewery places, where they brew their own unique beers onsite (you can actually see the vats behind the bar). Never saw so many attractive single men in one place before. Now you could say, duh, everyone knows that guys like beer...but most other happy hour events attract a lot of women. It's something about the whole micro-brewing concept that attracts men.

Anyway, they had a jazz band as well (which is mainly why I came out, since I'm not a beer drinker) and some of the guys were jazz fans too, so I could talk music with them. I also should mention that the Mr. Chutzpah guy I dated was there with his girlfriend - wasn't expecting them, but turned out they knew some of the people there. True to form, Mr. C grabbed my leg and said hey as he passed - while I was engrossed in conversation with a cute guy. I spent the rest of the evening mingling with all the other hot men. Overall, a good night.
:cheers:
 

toothlesstiger

Well-Known Member
Congratulations!
As to why the men were there, it's not simply that men like beer. People who love food may eat at a McDonald's but that's not what they are going to geek out over.
Men of means will go out of their way for quality, and will develop a loyalty to a particular brew.
 

Joe

Well-Known Member
Also, I think men are generally more curious about how things work, i.e. the actual making of the beer, so craft brewing should tend to interest them more.
 

Joe

Well-Known Member
I think that is uncalled for
Well, I wouldn't put it the way he did, but to expand on the way Jenny put it: if all you attract are wimps, what does that say about you?


I also discovered that not all internet dating web sites are created equal. The first two dating web sites I registered to practically forced the men to make all the moves while the third that I went to encouraged women, through internal mechanics, to block off pesky incoming messages and do some searching of their own.
Feel like sharing?
 

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