Is it possible to compete and "hate" your partner?

Thinking about it more, the unpleasant pro/am situations seem a little more likely to occur when the pro is not competing with a pro partner - in other words, when they have no other outlet for their dancing than what they can accomplish with students.
 

samina

Well-Known Member
squeal...um...sometimes they call off...sometimes they are very quiet...sometimes they roll their eyes or just give off the chill vibe...lemme see what else?...sometimes they subtlely become less and less available...sometimes they simply level with you and say "it's time for you to go"...sometimes they simply don't return your calls....just for starters ;)
You seem well-versed on the subject, lol.
 

samina

Well-Known Member
The concept of being disrespected is so foreign to me... and everyone here keeps gringing it up as PROOF that someone doesn't like you. And it HONESTLY has nothing to do with them. And has everything to do with YOU.

So you can choose to be a victim or you can see that behavior as something that is within them. MY behavior and reaction was my own. ...
But if I really really dislike someone I am not going to act disrespectful to them. They simply cease to exist for me. And sometimes that is a worse fate for people than being called names.

So I just don't buy it. Disprespecting has nothing to do with liking a person but is a personal choice. And if you really hated someone you wouldn't even be moved to act dispresctful to them, you simply wouldn't bother.
Excellent. *yes*.
 

samina

Well-Known Member
I suspect that actually happens more frequently in asymmetric amateur and professional partnerships than in pro-am; in pro-am, the pro does not have as much of a personal investment in the results, and has a financial incentive to remain civil.
One would think, but I've seen some surprising behaviour amongst pro-am pros at comps.

I think there are some pro-am dynamics which can become rather twisted. Utterly foreign to my own experience, but there are definitely pros with a strange way of being "professional" with their students.
 

samina

Well-Known Member
Thinking about it more, the unpleasant pro/am situations seem a little more likely to occur when the pro is not competing with a pro partner - in other words, when they have no other outlet for their dancing than what they can accomplish with students.
That's been my observation as well...it's been the case in every pro-am dynamic that has raised my brow.
 
fraid I've seen sadder cases - in one the pro screams, berates and is positiveily abusive - to an am that they've been with for over 10 yrs. It looks like one of those sad mutually dependent broken marriages where neither party can see they are wasting each other's time. Either that or, I suppose, they like it that way... Incidentally this pro is an independent with relatively limited training.
 

Joe

Well-Known Member
I'm still confused why it's a big deal if a partnership don't catch the same plane.

I've never caught the same flight as my partner when we travel interstate for competitions, and she and I are very much the ideal partnership that Bella is looking forward to having one day.
Taking the same flight is a good way to ensure that both partners actually make it to the destination (at the same time)...
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
Oh heck, if just saying mean/hurtful things meant a lack of respect or even caring for the person, I could honestly say I've never cared for anyone in my life. Because when I'm stressed/angry/whatever, have said horrible things to everyone I've ever cared about at one time or another. So definitely agree with Larinda that that's not necessarily a sign of no respect.
pleading the 5th big time here
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
I think Larinda mentioned something like this before. The more I think about it, that is an extremely valid point.

Yes, I'm young, snuggled in my big girl pants, embracing all views. I may not understand them yet, but I hear them. So, thanks everyone for your input. :)
just to be clear...the big girl pants comment was about how I treat myself not directed at any one person here
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
I would point out that people often come across as hurtful when that's not at all the intent. In an asymmetric partnership, there can be a tendency for the stronger partner to criticize ("yell") a lot and not to compliment at all. This can come across as lack of respect when in fact it's just focusing on the things that need to be fixed, rather than on things that are already okay.

I suspect that actually happens more frequently in asymmetric amateur and professional partnerships than in pro-am; in pro-am, the pro does not have as much of a personal investment in the results, and has a financial incentive to remain civil.
some pros in pro /am are very invested in the results...um...and as to dynamics ...no comment ;)
 
The concept of being disrespected is so foreign to me... and everyone here keeps gringing it up as PROOF that someone doesn't like you. And it HONESTLY has nothing to do with them. And has everything to do with YOU.

I took coaching one time from a woman that know on a personal level really really dislikes me for personal reasons. I am not a fan of her either. I took/would take again the coaching because I wanted her information and assume that she is not going to give me bad info. This woman tried SO HARD to disprespect me. She said the most awful things, innuendos were thick, snide comments were aplenty. I just sat there and giggled inside as I watched her try to disrepect me in front of everyone. I even chided her occasionally to let her know I understood, with a smile to say that it was more comical than anything.

So you can choose to be a victim or you can see that behavior as something that is within them. MY behavior and reaction was my own. And she was not disrepectful to me, even though most people would be horrified at the things she let slip out at me. Because I did not feel disrepected. I am not so fragile, I actually had a good laugh.

And I know plenty of couples, World level dancers who have said the most disgusting things at each other. The names that they call, the filth that can come from their mouth... and yet I would never equate that to hating the person. Dance is passionate. Competiton is stressful. Dancers are emotional. They actually care enough to be passionate. I have lived thorugh that, as had just about every successful pro couple.

But if I really really dislike someone I am not going to act disrespectful to them. They simply cease to exist for me. And sometimes that is a worse fate for people than being called names.

So I just don't buy it. Disprespecting has nothing to do with liking a person but is a personal choice. And if you really hated someone you wouldn't even be moved to act dispresctful to them, you simply wouldn't bother.
Totally agree with this. :)
 
What is funny ... is thankfully I learned a long time ago that I have the CHOICE in how I behave and the words I say, what I do or do not do, etc. IE: like, no one makes me angry, sad, happy, etc ...I choose my feelings, actions and reactions. Sometimes I have the forethought and maturity to think before responding, at others I don't and inevitably learn from it. (human after all) But I blame no one, nor do I point fingers. I take my medicine so to speak ... sometimes bitter, sometimes sweet. LOL

Plus the fact I have had a few (and thankfully only a few) issues in ballroom ... and thankfully, I have been through and learned quite a bit in the past, as to how I handle the situation or situations that arose. I have inwardly laughed at these, to some I have shared what I felt bothered or hurt me, and thankfully the wise have helped me through it. Sometimes, all you can do is just let go, because sometimes it really is not about you but about the person choosing to say or do those things. Or rather (And I have said this before) Chew up the meat and spit out the bones. It is easy to get stuck and complain or whatever, and hard to just let it go and see the positive. Most honestly ... even with the few issues that I have experienced ... there is not one person I have met since starting ballroom a year and half ago that I can honestly say I dislike. 1. I do not "know" people that well 2. I simply do not care enough about those matters as much as I care about my dancing and how to improve it. and 3. There are some realy great positive people that make it that much brighter.

One thing I have liked here ... is being able to throw this topic around (or any for that matter). Much is playing devil's advocate on my part ... because in real life, I actually subscribe to things like Larinda has said. :)

surprise surprise. Hahaa
 

CANI

Active Member
let me also say that whether or not the pro is a champ or a virtual unknown the issue isn't about whether or not that person should or shouldn't be respectful...we all know that respect is a "should"...we aren't in control of that...we are only in control of what we choose to participate in....
Absolutely agree!
 

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