Life is Hard Thread

mindputtee

Well-Known Member
My grandpa (mom's dad) died last week. He's been declining for a while now so it wasn't unexpected. The funeral is tomorrow morning and I feel really guilty that I can't go. I'd have to miss so much school and so many labs though that are very difficult to make up. All of my siblings and my parents are out in Illinois now though with all my family. My mom understands and when he started declining said she knew it'd be too hard for me to come and that was ok, but I still wish I were there with them.
 

3wishes

Well-Known Member
Mindputtee, my sympathies and, I want you to know, our son was in the same position, last October, when his grandpa passed. I preferred that he remember his grandpa as he always had, and not as he was at the end of his life. As much as he missed being there, his grandpa would have understood as well and would have wanted him to keep his school studies commitment not missing a beat. We completely understood.
 

dancelvr

Well-Known Member
Supervisor (and good friend) at work just diagnosed with TWO different varieties of cancer. One has spread throughout her body. *sigh* So many people I know (including family) have been diagnosed in the last 18 months. It's like a damned epidemic. :(
 

FancyFeet

Well-Known Member
Continuing to ponder why people react the way that they do, and why I am constantly so bewildered and surprised by their reactions to and interpretations of events and actions... and why I can't seem to not care what they think. Fighting hard to not decide that "screw people, I'm becoming a recluse" is the answer.

Le sigh.
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
well...I think you might want to consider a few things....12 step programs aren't just for addicts, they are for people who have a dysfuntional dynamic with others...they are groups that help you to discern what you have control over what you don't have control over and how to navigate that by focusing more on yourself and what you can control and how you can react differently so as to avoid attracting more dysfunction. I highly recommend it...or at least reading materials on the subject...books on being an adult child of dysfunction and on co-dependency....I will only say that, for me, it was very helpful and I believe it is the sort of work that everyone needs and should do. It really serves little useful purpose to ponder why others do what they do....beyond a certain point, you can't know...even if you ask, you may not get the real motivation....you can only take responsibility for yourself, your intent, and what you are or are not going to do in response....if you want healthier people in your life, be a healthier person, and limit your relationships with people who are highly dysfunctional....
 

FancyFeet

Well-Known Member
Thanks Fasc. I'm doing the reading, and the talking to a pro... which is leading to the pondering - supposedly as a step toward realization and concrete changes. Sadly, personal change is hard.

I'm just feeling a little worn out by the ongoing self-project at the moment, and dealing with a bit of the blues. (Also apparently a normal part of the process.)
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
here's the good news...once you become okay with losing the ego, nothing really ever threatens you anymore...then you can bear up to all sorts of attacks and unkindness and cruelty and not be so personally surprised, offended, hurt or defensive...once we don't take our sense of self so seriously, life becomes ever so much more peaceful....it is really easy when you let go of what others say or see in you.... when you are able to move more quickly into being okay with unfair judgements being spread, when you accept that you know "you" and you have no control--none--in persueding anyone else, life gets easier ... and you learn to recognize that same wisdom in others ...and also how to recognize people you need to stay away from very, very quickly....it is a journey worth taking...be good to yourself--not self indulgent-- simply "good" as you go along...and don't take yourself so seriously...hug
 
here's the good news...once you become okay with losing the ego, nothing really ever threatens you anymore...then you can bear up to all sorts of attacks and unkindness and cruelty and not be so personally surprised, offended, hurt or defensive...once we don't take our sense of self so seriously, life becomes ever so much more peaceful....it is really easy when you let go of what others say or see in you.... when you are able to move more quickly into being okay with unfair judgements being unfairly spread, when you accept that you know "you" and you have no control--none--in persueding anyone else, life gets easier and you learn to recognize that same wisdom in others ...and also how to recognize people you need to stay away from very, very quickly....it is a journey worth taking...be good to yourself--not self indulgent-- simply "good" as you go along...and don't take yourself so seriously...hug
This is to good to just "like". So many truths in this advice.... especially in knowing yourself. One image I've always found helpful, is that of imagining myself as a landscape of mountains, covered in a fine silk. What others see, is the cover, which is my public self. Every so often, life tears a bit of a hole in the surface, and I fall through into the mountain area - this leads to thought and introspection, as I discover another part of myself as yet unexplored - I climb along, through and finally up, and return into the world having more strength and knowledge about who I am, and the peaceful introspective time I spend inside the mountains of my mind is always a time of incredible healing. Sending some more hugs.
 

Lioness

Well-Known Member
One of the guys I went to high school with died a few days ago...he had a really aggressive form of bone cancer called Osteosarcoma.

It's really hard to process? I knew he was sick and we were never really close after high school, but he was so talented at everything else I just kind of assumed that he'd pull through. Like...any musical instrument that he picked up he was great at...he was my piano inspiration for so many years. He was fluent in Chinese, really smart...just an all-round amazing person. He's pretty much the reason that tiny little me got the confidence to wear glasses all the time, instead of forgetting them or deciding not to wear them (because when cute boys tell you that glasses suit you...)

And I'm struggling a little bit with how these things work when you're not in close contact? So many of my classmates are posting on his wall and reminiscing, but I feel like I haven't known him well enough since about year 9...that's like 8 years. I'll definitely be going to the funeral...but I'm not sure how to express this weird kind of grief otherwise. I'm not torn apart but I just really thought he'd conquer this just like he conquered everything else...it's a bit of a shock to the system.

I know that there's no wrong way to process all of this, but nothing really feels right about it either.
 

stash

Well-Known Member
@Lioness i kinda went through a similar loss last month. One of the staple teachers from my high school past away after battling stage 4 colon cancer for a year and a half. I never had him as a teacher, nor was I close to him, but I knew him in the sense that you knew most everyone in a small private school and it was, is, still tough to cope with the fact that he's gone. He had such an impact on many of us and it hard to believe that so many girls (should probably mention it was an all girls school) will never know him.

Facebook was flooded with statuses of him the week he passed and the first day I couldn't hold my tears back at work. It's hard. Especially when someone makes that much of an impact on a community. I couldn't find the right words to say in a Facebook post so I just left it at that.
 

cornutt

Well-Known Member
L, I wish I had some older-person-type sage words of advice for you... but when it comes to death, I don't think there are any. I recall the first time that someone I knew fairly well died; it was when I was about 25 and a co-worker was diagnosed with an aggressive form of brain cancer; he died a month later. That was a "stuff just got real" moment, that I think everyone experiences in their lives after the age of 13 or so; before that one isn't mature enough to really understand the impact of it. You catch yourself days or weeks later thinking "Joe knows about this, I'll go ask him... oh wait." It's a feeling that's difficult to attach easy labels to. You can expect to feel somewhat mentally dislocated for a while. It's normal given the circumstances. Your subconscious has a lot of clever and marvelous ways of protecting you from insanity. Let it do its thing. The strange feelings will pass, and then you will have knowledge about the nature of the universe, and about yourself, that you didn't have before.

As far as the funeral, have no fear. Funerals are not really for the dead; they are for the living. Don't worry that there might be some elaborate protocol that you aren't familiar with; it is not necessary. Just showing up, and saying hello to friends and family should you get the opportunity to speak to them, and listen to them for a minute, means a lot more to them than you realize.
 

Dance Ads