"picking up" at salsa events

#1
I've been dancing for 6 months now and I go out about 4 times a week.

Most of the time when I go out it's just to dance and enjoy myself. However, to be honest I originally got into dancing to meet more girls, and I while I meet attractive girls every night that I know are attracted to me (it's easy to tell after a dance if that's the case :), I don't ever try to take things to another level...

It seems out of place to ask for a phone number on the dance floor. So my question is... what should I do? Are any salsa girls out there looking to hook up that night? How do I parlay a passionate dance into something more?
 
#2
Hooking up that night is touchy. Of course, i'm taken so it's not an issue for me. However, I have no problem giving or receiving phone numbers. That's a nice gesture and totally low-key. Another thing that's pretty casual but which can easily evolve into something else is going for one of those famous and frequently discussed after-salsa bites to eat. It's wise to always treat a woman without expectation and lots of respect, but there's nothing wrong with asking for something casually more... some situation where she can feel comfortable and not awkward about backing out or leaving it at a "thanks, it was nice to meet you and those onion rings were great", or, hopefully, "do you have any tequila at your place?"
 

sweavo

New Member
#3
nycsalsero said:
I've been dancing for 6 months now and I go out about 4 times a week.

Most of the time when I go out it's just to dance and enjoy myself. However, to be honest I originally got into dancing to meet more girls, and I while I meet attractive girls every night that I know are attracted to me (it's easy to tell after a dance if that's the case :),
Don't be so sure... on the dance floor it's a fantasy world and you get to wear a fantasy character.

How do I parlay a passionate dance into something more?
I've never managed this one but then I'm not a predatory guy. I've only got together with girls who I've met in classes and in the context of a larger social group who would get together for trips to the next city to dance.
 
#4
nycsalsero said:
I've been dancing for 6 months now and I go out about 4 times a week.

Most of the time when I go out it's just to dance and enjoy myself. However, to be honest I originally got into dancing to meet more girls, and I while I meet attractive girls every night that I know are attracted to me (it's easy to tell after a dance if that's the case :smile:,
sweavo said:
Don't be so sure... on the dance floor it's a fantasy world and you get to wear a fantasy character.
Sweavo is absolutely right on this. Don't assume because a woman enjoys dancing with you that she has any kind of romantic interest in you. Enjoy the dancing for what it is. If she is interested in you she will let you know in other ways as well. I know this will probably fall on deaf ears to some younger people, but "hooking up" for some casual sex isn't very satisfying and can lead to a lot more problems than a fleeting encounter is worth. The term "picking up" suggests you just want to use someone and then discard them. Maybe that is not what you meant, but that's what I think of when I encounter that term.

That being said, there is nothing wrong with wanting to meet women through salsa dancing. You never know where you might find that special one (or the next special one). The dance floor is as good a place as any. Just don't mistake a lady's intentions and always treat them with respect. You'll get a lot more dance partner's that way which gives you a better chance of meeting someone special (or at least shares your feelings).

And besides all that, as a dear friend recently said to me, "Dancing is better than sex." I agree! :grin:
 
#5
amo_dile_que_no said:
That being said, there is nothing wrong with wanting to meet women through salsa dancing. You never know where you might find that special one (or the next special one). The dance floor is as good a place as any.
:
I met my boyfriend through a salsa night :). We just were talking for a while and then he asked if I wanted to meet up with him some other time. Sounds pretty simple in retrospect!!
 

Josh

Active Member
#6
nycsalsero said:
while I meet attractive girls every night that I know are attracted to me (it's easy to tell after a dance if that's the case :), I don't ever try to take things to another level...

It seems out of place to ask for a phone number on the dance floor. So my question is... what should I do? Are any salsa girls out there looking to hook up that night? How do I parlay a passionate dance into something more?
Remember that salsa is a passionate, energetic, sexy dance, and that the emotions created during a dance which is often purely on-the-spot excitement can be (and often is) mistaken for genuine amorous feelings. I'm not saying that the girls aren't attracted to you--I'm sure you have an idea of when a girl is into you... but sometimes guys tend to misconstrue female signals.

First--consider how many truly successful relationships (think, more than a year) have come from meeting someone and 'hooking up with' that person on the same night. Maybe you have a great night romantically (let's be honest--sexually... not the same as romance). But will things be cool with her when you see her out dancing next time? Will it cause problems between you and her friends? Do you want that emotional complexity with a potentially great dance partner?

If you are really feeling a girl, then why not wait until you've danced with her a few times (on a couple of different nights) and then get her number? Then you'll really be able to tell if she's interested in you, and you'll know for sure that you are into her. When you get together for food/coffee/whatever, then you'll have a more solid basis for a conversation, since you'll (hopefully) at that point know a little bit more about her than just her dancing. One of guys' biggest relationship mistakes is that they impatiently rush into things. With both romantic relationships and friendships, don't be like a day trader--think longer term. You don't need to cash in and out all at one time. Invest in a friendship. Leave it open for romance. Then discern whether she likes you, and search yourself to see if you truly like her. If the circumstances are right and you're ready, then your investment pays off in a new way, and you've got something. If the circumstances aren't right (either one or neither of you are interested in romance), then your investment still pays off--a good friend, a good dance partner. It's win-win.

One last note--if/when you do get her number, for the love of [whatever you like], do NOT call her immediately (as in, the next few days). It makes guys look desperate (probably because a guy who does this is). I've said this before and hopefully it won't generate too much controversy :wink: This paragraph is an afterthought anyway, don't read this as the focus of my post. Ok. I'm done.
 
#8
Another issue to be concerned about is building a bad reputation - and this is going to be dependent partly on the size of your salsa community. I live in a city where most of the regular salsa dancers have known eachother for a while and there are definately guys that have a bad reputation for being "day traders" - in other words, they are just looking for hook up. So, the regular salseras don't want to hook up with him and many times they will warn new salseras of the day traders. Once you are branded with a bad reputation its difficult to shake.

Another issue to be concerned about is having too many exes in one place. If you are hooking up with women on a somewhat regular basis the women will find out about the other women you are hooking up with (again this is somewhat dependent upon the size of your salsa community) this can make for a very uncomfortable dancing experience.

However, like a lot of salseros I spend a lot of my free time either dancing or practicing so it would make sense that I would meet ladies dancing. I definately take a slower approach - dance with the lady on several different nights, talk to her when she is sitting down, make casual conversation, ask her what she did over the weekend, or whatever - this will give you a better feel for whether she is interested in you or not.
 
#9
terremoto said:
Another issue to be concerned about is building a bad reputation - and this is going to be dependent partly on the size of your salsa community. I live in a city where most of the regular salsa dancers have known eachother for a while and there are definately guys that have a bad reputation for being "day traders" - in other words, they are just looking for hook up. So, the regular salseras don't want to hook up with him and many times they will warn new salseras of the day traders. Once you are branded with a bad reputation its difficult to shake.

Another issue to be concerned about is having too many exes in one place. If you are hooking up with women on a somewhat regular basis the women will find out about the other women you are hooking up with (again this is somewhat dependent upon the size of your salsa community) this can make for a very uncomfortable dancing experience.

However, like a lot of salseros I spend a lot of my free time either dancing or practicing so it would make sense that I would meet ladies dancing. I definately take a slower approach - dance with the lady on several different nights, talk to her when she is sitting down, make casual conversation, ask her what she did over the weekend, or whatever - this will give you a better feel for whether she is interested in you or not.
Also good points, reputations can be very difficult to rehabilitate. As for a guy who does behave like a day trader and ends up confronted with a group of women who he has treated this way, I'd say he deserves whatever consequences befall him. It reminds me of a scene from "Four Weddings and a Funeral" where the protagonist ends up being seated at a tableful of his old girlfriends at one of the wedding receptions. It was a very funny scene.
 
#10
Josh said:
One last note--if/when you do get her number, for the love of [whatever you like], do NOT call her immediately (as in, the next few days). It makes guys look desperate (probably because a guy who does this is).
I just wanted to recognize that I just inferred "one week" from Josh's remarks above so I edited it. That's the way all kinds of misunderstandings begin. A message gets changed a little each time it's passed on and before you know it the meaning is entirely different. It can lead to all kinds of disagreements. I think we used to call it the "telephone game" in school. You whisper a message to one person and then have each individual pass it on. It's very interesting what the final person actually hears

It's also the way threads can evolve to completely different topics. So please, let's not stray any further from this "picking up" topic so I don't get accused of hijacking it :)
 
#11
I would always ask for a phone number at the first possible opportunity. (or an e-mail address, a lot of girls are more open to giving you that.)

I think there is a real numbers game though. I figure less than 25% of the girls I get numbers from will I actually go out on a real date with. Mostly I am just going to set up a time to talk to them in a less formal setting. (A club is the worst possible place to try to "chat up" a girl!)

---------------
My advice on "picking girls up in a salsa club":


(a) Your main advantage as a dancer is ease of introductions. You can easily meet 20 different girls in a night. (Talking is a lot harder, and I'm personally there to dance... so play to your strengths / interests.)

(b) Don't fixate on one girl, and especially don't try to monopolize her time. Talk to her, have a dance, get her number, dance with her friends. Move on.

(c) Never hesitate. You see someone you like, you ask her to dance immediately. Get her number immediately. Don't hang around too long afterwards. Leave the club well before closing.

(d) You got a handful of phone numbers from girls you spent 5 minutes talking too, and danced with twice. You know nothing about them... so give them a call, and if that goes well... arrange to meet for coffee, a morning jog around the park, or a quick drink after work one night (and make a point of not staying too late.) This is not a date, its just groundwork for a date.

(e) You go back to the same club... there are 5 girls there you've met now socially outside of that club... asking any of them first would annoy the others, so you'd better spend the first 4 dances of the evening with the oldest lady present (if you dance with a 70 yr old, they know you are going to be gentle with them), the heaviest girl present (you aren't judgemental), a girl who just started in the beginner class that night (again, same thing, but she can't be super attractive either), and then the best dancer present (best if she's in a relationship, and who everone else is too intimidated to ask).

(f) In every group of girls, there will be one designated with maintaining the "moral standards" of the group, (invariably the fat, ugly one)... you need to get her to like you. So make some effort, win her over to your side.

ok... you got the club "primed", you have kind of a mini-bidding war going on, you've done what you can to disarm obstacles... and you are now ready to start asking out the girls for real dates, or (if you've already met them a couple times socially) just take them home from the club. If it doesn't work out, keep moving on. Don't waste time pursuing the wrong girls, but don't be too judgemental up front either.
 
#15
In other words, don't be a slut-dog. Women don't like it.
I think its more fair to say that you need to flirt with all women about the same amount, give them a similar amount of attention, regardless whether or not you are interested in them. and you can't do wild changes in flirtation levels... what really puts women off, IMHO, is not "slut-dogs" who flirt with everyone... its the guys who only flirt with a girl when they are trying to get her into bed, and ignore her otherwise.
 
#16
I had thought about that, too, AD, but couldn't figure out a way of saying "mmkay, class, sex is bad, mmmkay?" and envisioning Mr. Mackey's gigantic floating head. :lol:
 
#19
AzureDreamer said:
ok... you got the club "primed", you have kind of a mini-bidding war going on, you've done what you can to disarm obstacles... and you are now ready to start asking out the girls for real dates, or (if you've already met them a couple times socially) just take them home from the club. If it doesn't work out, keep moving on. Don't waste time pursuing the wrong girls, but don't be too judgemental up front either.
are u furreal?

I do like the term "day trader." I think I will ditch the old school term "playa" for "day trader." Thanks DF.
 
#20
AzureDreamer said:
I would always ask for a phone number at the first possible opportunity. (or an e-mail address, a lot of girls are more open to giving you that.)

I think there is a real numbers game though. I figure less than 25% of the girls I get numbers from will I actually go out on a real date with. Mostly I am just going to set up a time to talk to them in a less formal setting. (A club is the worst possible place to try to "chat up" a girl!)

---------------
My advice on "picking girls up in a salsa club":


(a) Your main advantage as a dancer is ease of introductions. You can easily meet 20 different girls in a night. (Talking is a lot harder, and I'm personally there to dance... so play to your strengths / interests.)

(b) Don't fixate on one girl, and especially don't try to monopolize her time. Talk to her, have a dance, get her number, dance with her friends. Move on.

(c) Never hesitate. You see someone you like, you ask her to dance immediately. Get her number immediately. Don't hang around too long afterwards. Leave the club well before closing.

(d) You got a handful of phone numbers from girls you spent 5 minutes talking too, and danced with twice. You know nothing about them... so give them a call, and if that goes well... arrange to meet for coffee, a morning jog around the park, or a quick drink after work one night (and make a point of not staying too late.) This is not a date, its just groundwork for a date.

(e) You go back to the same club... there are 5 girls there you've met now socially outside of that club... asking any of them first would annoy the others, so you'd better spend the first 4 dances of the evening with the oldest lady present (if you dance with a 70 yr old, they know you are going to be gentle with them), the heaviest girl present (you aren't judgemental), a girl who just started in the beginner class that night (again, same thing, but she can't be super attractive either), and then the best dancer present (best if she's in a relationship, and who everone else is too intimidated to ask).

(f) In every group of girls, there will be one designated with maintaining the "moral standards" of the group, (invariably the fat, ugly one)... you need to get her to like you. So make some effort, win her over to your side.

ok... you got the club "primed", you have kind of a mini-bidding war going on, you've done what you can to disarm obstacles... and you are now ready to start asking out the girls for real dates, or (if you've already met them a couple times socially) just take them home from the club. If it doesn't work out, keep moving on. Don't waste time pursuing the wrong girls, but don't be too judgemental up front either.
I get the distinct feeling that Azure knows what he's talking about. But is this
all there is to this Mystery question?
 

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