social etiquette question

By hanging around with him all night shouldn't mean that you're leading him and I'm sure you could sense his type of interest. Just be clear if he tries to make a move and explain your position.
As a man, I think to the contrary.

I think the best solution for me, and perhaps for other gentlemen, especially if they are newbies, are two dances (which apparently is the rule). Then I'll stop asking, and wait for her to ASK ME to dance, and to converse WITH ME.

I think it terribly misleading to dance with a man all night long and expect the man to think that you are not interested, e.g., if both the man and woman are single, not involved in relationship.

That is why I believe they, in part, came up with the rule of two or three dances. The Rule was probably established so that one can have as many dances with as many different partners as possible to improve one's dancing style and performance. But go beyond that and a reasonable expectation might arise.

I guess social dancing in the dance world means something entirely different than in the lay world. I think most who do not dance seriously consider social dancing an activity to enjoy and is a conduit to meet members of the opposite sex and find romantic partners.

That is not the case at all - AFAIK, with 'social dance' parties at studios.

However, there's nothing worse than giving a man the wrong signals. Therefore, I would like to establish a new Rule-man or woman asks for two dances, that is it. Either asks for more, it should be assumed there's an interest on SOMEONE's part for something possibly more than just someone to dance with...assuming both are in the market.

It IS complex. I'm single and though I might like dancing with someone, no matter how good she might be, I'm not going to waste my time pursuing someone who has no interest in me. To dance with me all night implies there's an attraction going on, if at a function similar to that described by the poster.

At a social dance party, I really do not EXPECT anything. But there are ways to determine what's going on-they may be very subtle, though.

This is really complex for me! Sorry.
 
I think you could preempt problems by saying something that makes it clear that you really like his dancing, like, "Hope you don't mind me monopolizing you the whole evening, but you're the best dancer here."
Yeah, I don't find that offensive. And I can use it myself if I'm not particularly attracted to a woman but caught in a similar situation.
 

nucat78

Active Member
Tried the 2 dance rule last night. Nuh uh. We had some... aggressive... visiting follows. Didn't work at a ballroom venue last weekend either. Got cornered by a sweet but tenacious older lady from Carolina. Luckily the place actually has dance cards and I was able to get a semi-regular to "remind" me that the 5th set was with her. Thanks, D!
 
He is trying to establish a friendly connection as a first step towards something more. That was a 'maybe date' :)

We (men) have the burden of taking the initiative and courting rejection. So we sometimes like to take one step at a time - and watch for positive (or negative) signals before coming out in the open and making a direct/open courtship attempt.

At this point, if you are interested - then act interested. Casually mention non-dance interests to him ('hey do you like hiking? i've been wanting to but haven't found time' etc), establish an email rapport etc. Also, it's not enough to be enthusiastic about activities - act enthusiastic about spending time with him/dancing with him/proximity to him. Try throwing in something like 'you're cute' line. He will get the clue that you are not going to reject him and actually ask you out for a real date.

I'm pretty sure most girls don't need hints/clues on how to shut a guy out and send clear "not interested" signals, in case that's what you want to do ;)

Without reading beyond your post, I think you misread her. I think she was defiinitely interested in this guy and the guy gave her ambiguous and inconsistent signals. A man who is interested in a woman and attracted to her and takes her to dinner, etc. is going to KISS her. Given all of her facts, I feel this guy is not really interested in anything other than a friendship or is ambivalent.

Things, however, can and do change.
 
in a non-dancing context, this is easy.

with other dancers, it's more confusing for guys also. we tend to think, "what if she views my invitation as 'let's meet for dancing and grab some grub first' and not as a date?", and go in with a little ambiguity. with a non-dancer, the dancing itself would be part of the date and the girl would be expected to dance with only her date and nobody else ;), and the dinner would clearly be part of the date-etiquette.

the asker pays is an ok rule, but not everyone goes by it. i think we are at a cultural era where the mores are starting to get ambiguous, and that's ok. i usually prefer to pay, but i always throw in a line (esp if she offers to split) like, "next time, we'll go a fancier place and you can pay" :) so in a way, i do agree with englezul that one person shouldn't have to pay for a date, but it can be done more gracefully than going dutch by taking turns.
The guy's a jellyfish. He should've said, "I'd like to ask you out for dinner, and then meet up with your friends. He did not, so he's either cheap, broke, or not interested in you romantically when he asked you.
 
I think that's very normal and not at all crazy.

I won't consider buying dinner, paying cover, or any expense like that for a girl that i haven't been going out with for a couple of months already. And even then, if it will happen it will be as a matter of convenience and under no circumstances under the premise that 'im picking up the slack'.
Why would I even begin to think about that? We are all responsible adults we should act accordingly. The only time I give out the dough is when I teach them how to bake.

All in all I would say that would be the biggest mistake men do while dating. Romantic interests should not show up on the credit card bills.
Sorry, you're way out there..
 
Well, quix, this is very interesting. I don't think I've ever been on a 'maybe' date before. I mean, under normal etiquette, if a man asks a woman to join him for dinner, he's expected to pay for it - unless he clearly says otherwise in advance (such as 'let's split dinner', 'go dutch treat' etc.). To invite a woman to a meal and suddenly stick her with her dinner bill is an insult. Our meal was very inexpensive, so I wasn't expecting the guy to drop big bucks on me either. It's not a question of money. Just saying, if this guy wanted a low-pressure situation, he could have arranged for us to meet after dinner and go straight to the club. When you get asked to dinner, it sets up certain expectations. I should mention this is a much older man who is well familiar with traditional dating etiquette. But actually, I've had dates of all ages pay for the meal and offer to buy drinks. I've never had it happen otherwise.

In any event, your ideas are good, and the things you suggested already happened - we talked about other things we like to do in our spare time, and I acted interested, a little flirtatious, smiled a lot at him, and touched his arm when talking to him (classic body language). If he doesn't get all those hints, well geez, maybe I need to invest in semaphore flags. :p

Go, GF! A 'maybe' date? What the h is that? My father told me many years ago to look at what people do, not what they say! Actions do speak louder than words! He did not even pay for your cover? Or your dinner, or your drink? Unless he has some kind of perceived ethical conflict (is he your instructor, and, if so, would there be an ethical problem?) I see no interest in you at that time.
 
dating etiquette among dancers is effed up. the dating lives of most dancers is also effed up. the connection and interest could be just dancing related, just romantic or a mixture of both. more often than not, men on thedance scene learn to their utter disappointment that a certain gal is especially interested in him,but only because the dancing is so great and wants little or nothing more than to explore than connection sans romance. sometimes, we men do that women. then there is the question of how to deal with an ex who won't just vanish away and continues to dance... it's all effed up. :rolleyes:

welcome to our world ;)
With my limited experience in the social dancing world, the above post is scary...because there might be truth in it :eek:.
 
Dear Lord, help me.

And no, I'm not going to just kiss him. Hopefully that was a joke. :grin:
On the contrary, that would've been the perfect solution. If he were to say something negative, then at least you'd know and not be mentally f'ing your head up and wasting all your time on this.

Sorry, that would've been a perfect solution!
 

samina

Well-Known Member
It IS complex. I'm single and though I might like dancing with someone, no matter how good she might be, I'm not going to waste my time pursuing someone who has no interest in me. To dance with me all night implies there's an attraction going on, if at a function similar to that described by the poster.

At a social dance party, I really do not EXPECT anything. But there are ways to determine what's going on-they may be very subtle, though.

This is really complex for me! Sorry.
rumblefish, you will do yourself a world of good and quickly make things simple for yourself if you consider social dance events *only* for dancing...unless you get clobbered over head by a connection you simply can't ignore.

just a suggestion... :)
 
Samina--

I'm curious. What were the rules in the 30's and 40's when people went social dancing?

I thought that's how lots of people met up and dated and eventually married?

Has that changed? Apparently so!

If I follow your advice, I am going to limit my social dancing. I don't fancy going out every night without making a connection. So I'll continue full bore ahead with my classes but limit social dancing to one or two a week.

I'll make my connections elsewhere, then, and will return as a couple to dance lessons and social dance parties.

Does that sound like a reasonable approach-look at the social dance as a mere extension of the classroom and nothing more?

The sad fact may be that all the romance, sensuality and raw sexuality of dance may all but disappear if you become serious about the dance. Talk about irony! :eyebrow:
 
Samina--

I'm curious. What were the rules in the 30's and 40's when people went social dancing?

I thought that's how lots of people met up and dated and eventually married?

Has that changed? Apparently so!

If I follow your advice, I am going to limit my social dancing. I don't fancy going out every night without making a connection. So I'll continue full bore ahead with my classes but limit social dancing to one or two a week.

I'll make my connections elsewhere, then, and will return as a couple to dance lessons and social dance parties.

Does that sound like a reasonable approach-look at the social dance as a mere extension of the classroom and nothing more?

The sad fact may be that all the romance, sensuality and raw sexuality of dance may all but disappear if you become serious about the dance. Talk about irony! :eyebrow:
I agree with samina...
Yes, of course, some people do meet and make romantic connections in the course of dancing. It's a social activity like many things are. The distinction to be made is whether that is your primary, or only goal. I don't think it's fair to expect that to happen all the time.

Dances are not bars or singles parties. Many people attend them strictly to practice their dancing - and some folks are married or unavailable. I am referring to events that are specifically for people who are trained in certain dances (as opposed to freestyling in a club). For me personally, I am there to dance, and I have made many good friends. If I happen to meet someone romantically, fine, but it's not a primary goal.

As for the guy I talked about earlier, he continued to display signs of interest such as taking me out for some meals, drinks, shows, etc. (which he paid for) yet he never proceeded in a romantic sense. I just decided he was happy with friendship.
 

Steve Pastor

Moderator
Staff member
"The sad fact may be that all the romance, sensuality and raw sexuality of dance may all but disappear if you become serious about the dance. Talk about irony! :eyebrow:"

Lordie, No.
It just ain't so.

All of those things: romance, sensuality and raw sexuality are still there.
Thing is, you leave it on the dance floor, rather than getting a room.

And the good part is that there isn't someone confronting you or giving you the Evil Eye when you go back to the same place the next time, because you didn't call her. And you've still got a great dance partner.
 
Jenny--

Well, I was hoping to combine the two as you apparently were, also, Jenny, but I now see that it's probably not likely to happen in the context of serious 'social dancing'. It's more likely to happen, if at all, while taking a dance class, or meeting someone in a 'regular' dance place where noone knows what they're doing, or entirely outside the dance realm.

Thanks for updating us with your status.
 
All of those things: romance, sensuality and raw sexuality are still there.
Thing is, you leave it on the dance floor, rather than getting a room.
Yeah, sort of like going to junior high school dance parties. :eek: Well, that's the way it is, apparently, because it may be that is all that 'works'.
It seems sophomoric to me but who am I to criticize. Just go dancing and have a good time, I guess. :).

If one meets the 'love of their life', I guess it's not going to be at a social dance, then again, one never knows, or can say that with any certainty.
 
rumblefish, you will do yourself a world of good and quickly make things simple for yourself if you consider social dance events *only* for dancing...unless you get clobbered over head by a connection you simply can't ignore.

just a suggestion... :)
Have you followed your own advise? If not, do you have regrets? Who are you currently seeing now? Wanna see me? :ladiesma:
 

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