The most akward/exotic excuses ladies use to refuse a dance

twnkltoz

Well-Known Member
#21
The most awkward I have seen was when a certain leader got to the front of the mixer line. Three ladies stopped, screwed up their faces in disgust and disappointment, and tried to get each other to go first while the guy stood there with a hand out, inviting any of them to dance. The fourth woman in line skipped ahead to the second man, and one of the first three women skipped to the third man. The next woman in line finally took pity on the guy and danced with him.
That same thing happened at my studio once, and I was the fourth lady who took pity on him and danced with him. Maybe if he didn't wear the same sweater for years without washing it, and maybe if he learned some actual ballroom dancing, this wouldn't happen...but it doesn't excuse the behavior of these "ladies." it's a mixer. You only have to dance with him for 30 seconds. You can't suck it up?
 

Cal

Well-Known Member
#22
I have increasingly run across leaders who (deliberately?) misunderstand that they are supposed to drop off the lady at the end of the floor so that they can both rejoin the end of the line - once they get a partner they trap her and try to keep her for the full 10 - 15 minutes of the mixer. When that happens to me, I will just extract myself and tell him that we both need to mix as it it, after all, a "mixer". I'm tall and I'm strong enough to forcefully pull away if need be. A lot of women do not have the physical strength to get away, so I can understand why they might avoid that kind of hoarder from the start.
 

snapdancer

Well-Known Member
#23
I LOVE social dancers… and I teach them too. After all, good dancers dance with anyone. I do not suffer fools tho, and there are some social dancers that think that dance magically appears 'on a flaming pie' (as John Lennon put it) and that they are allowed to heap disdain on dancers who work at being good dancers. That is the situation the I think was happening at the social where a number of women made a judgement on the man.
On what evidence do you draw this conclusion? Saw none for the situation being discussed.

Now it could be that someone who has advanced training and expects all his follows to be able to dance open syllabus figures would get that reaction.

I am taking private lessons to improve technique. And I do a lot of social dancing. If I discover that a woman is only capable of following bronze level box steps, then I try to lead her in the best bronze level box steps she can do. And I have never, ever been turned down for being "too good".

Maybe this guy doesn't wash clothes or use deodorant. Or feels them up. Or any other bad behavior of that sort.

Social dance etiquette is that you dance with whomever asks you, no questions asked. I say these four women had bad manners in the situation…. and I choose to think that the side with bad manners is trumped by the side that is standing there who is ok to dance.
While ordinary bad technique should be suffered gracefully for a short social dance, no one should be required to suffer torture on the dance floor. If the guy is painful to dance with, then they were perfectly within their rights to refuse him.
 

Bailamosdance

Well-Known Member
#24
Drawing my conclusion is as valid as other assumptions made, one assumption being that the dancer who was rejected had some flaw.

But I agree no one should have to dance with someone who is painful. Perhaps the women had in the past been told they were painful to dance with?

Maybe these women were called out in the past for bad behavior: didn't wash clothes or use deodorant. Or feels them up. Or any other bad behavior of that sort. Poor hygiene is not restricted only to men.
 

snapdancer

Well-Known Member
#25
But I agree no one should have to dance with someone who is painful. Perhaps the women had in the past been told they were painful to dance with?

Maybe these women were called out in the past for bad behavior: didn't wash clothes or use deodorant. Or feels them up. Or any other bad behavior of that sort. Poor hygiene is not restricted only to men.
Now this makes no logical sense. Who were the refusers and who was the refusee?

And guys have the advantage, social norms being what they are, of handling problem women by simply not asking them. Usually.
 

atk

Active Member
#26
regarding the skill level of the followers, as it has been brought into question, I do not recall them being particularly good or particularly bad. I had danced with each of them both before and after.

I never danced with the leader, nor did I know him more than seeing him across the dance floor or standin in line near him, so I can only comment that he appeared to be average skill level for the dance and did not smell so bad that I could smell him.

Of course, none of this tells us what was really going on. There was clearly something between them, but it is completely unclear what it was and/or how it started.

Also, it was not my intention to hijack the thread with discussion of how horrible the leader must be or how horrible the followers must be. I only intended to provide an example of an awkward moment.
 

Bailamosdance

Well-Known Member
#27
The point I'm trying to make is that the assumption that there something wrong with the guy is not valid. You don't know the circumstances. And my observation, many times women are uncomfortable dancing with the person a person be for reasons that have nothing to do with hygiene but many times the ladies dancing ability
 

atk

Active Member
#28
The point I'm trying to make is that the assumption that there something wrong with the guy is not valid. You don't know the circumstances. And my observation, many times women are uncomfortable dancing with the person a person be for reasons that have nothing to do with hygiene but many times the ladies dancing ability

While I entirely agree that none of us really knows the circumstances, not even me, I do find it interesting how people's individual experiences color the way they see events. We have all seen men abusive toward women, whether in dance or out. We have all refused a dance. It is natural for flowers who have experienced this might automatically relate their own experiences to the descriotion I had given and speak from a position of their own experience, consciously or subconsciously.

It i
would be equally natural for someone who has been snubbed many times by followers for no clear reason to immediately think that the followers were in the wrong.

I dont know who was 'right' and who was 'wrong' or if everyone was one or the other. All I know is it was awkward to watch, and probably awkward to experience, from all perspectives.
 

atk

Active Member
#29
Trying to change the subject slightly back to the origional question...

There was another incident at a different dance. This woman and I both went to the same studio as students. She and I got along very well, but we never clicked when dancing. We would still dance with each other every once in a while, but the dancing was never any fun for either of us.

One time, at a social dance where she and two other women were working the desk taking entrance fees, I decided to go over and ask her to dance. It was late enough that there wasn't really a need for more than 1 person to stay at the desk, and I had seen the three women dance with various men.

I got up, and walked across the length of the dance hall, stopped at the front desk and asked her to dance. She said 'no, thank you,' to which I responded, 'ok.' I turned around and walked the length of the hall back to my seat.I imagine it looked awkward to anyone watching.

To me, it was funny. I knew what her answer would be before I got there. She and I both knew it was kind od a game, where she would decline my dance requests. In fact, I recall her coming over to ask me to dance later in the evening.
 

LKSO

Active Member
#30
Social dance etiquette is that you dance with whomever asks you, no questions asked. I say these four women had bad manners in the situation…. and I choose to think that the side with bad manners is trumped by the side that is standing there who is ok to dance.
That's terrible advice and terrible etiquette! Why would anyone want to dance with someone whom they know will probably twist their arm off? That's why the Argentines have the cabaceo - it's subtle and no one is overtly disrespected. Shut up and use eye contact to ask a girl to dance, people. That's what eyes are for.
 

Loki

Well-Known Member
#32
That's terrible advice and terrible etiquette! Why would anyone want to dance with someone whom they know will probably twist their arm off? That's why the Argentines have the cabaceo - it's subtle and no one is overtly disrespected. Shut up and use eye contact to ask a girl to dance, people. That's what eyes are for.
But without my contacts in, I'd be asking the potted palm tree in the corner.
 
#33
The most awkward I have seen was when a certain leader got to the front of the mixer line.
If these three women really didn't want to dance with this guy they should have spread themselves out in the line. They could always place themselves to avoid him without hurting any feelings. What I'm reading sounds like a gang attack.
 

atk

Active Member
#34
If these three women really didn't want to dance with this guy they should have spread themselves out in the line. They could always place themselves to avoid him without hurting any feelings. What I'm reading sounds like a gang attack.
You assume forethought on behalf of the women, as well as an attentive, easily monitored view of the leader line. I do not recall forethought being part of my impression of the event. That would also be hard, since the leader line around here is usually very short - most leaders are on the floor, and thereare onlya few moments to learn who your next partner will be, as the men rejoin at (almost) the front of the nearly nonexistent line
 
#36
As a woman I do not feel obligated to dance with any man. Etiquette be damned. This would be if he was creepy, if his style was painful or he had very poor hygiene.

Otherwise, I can't imagine saying 'no'. It is a privilege to be asked to dance. I always quietly say 'yes, thank you'. If there is a reason I can't dance ( yes, we women do need to go pee), I always decline with a smile and let the man know 'But please, I would like to the next dance'.

This thread makes me think. 'If' a man is doing something that is uncomfortable physically, should this be mentioned after the dance is over? I don't mean in a dance class where we are all learning but in a social dance where we don't really know him? Is there a polite way to say, 'I can no longer feel my fingers'?
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
#38
As a woman I do not feel obligated to dance with any man. Etiquette be damned. This would be if he was creepy, if his style was painful or he had very poor hygiene.

Otherwise, I can't imagine saying 'no'. It is a privilege to be asked to dance. I always quietly say 'yes, thank you'. If there is a reason I can't dance ( yes, we women do need to go pee), I always decline with a smile and let the man know 'But please, I would like to the next dance'.

This thread makes me think. 'If' a man is doing something that is uncomfortable physically, should this be mentioned after the dance is over? I don't mean in a dance class where we are all learning but in a social dance where we don't really know him? Is there a polite way to say, 'I can no longer feel my fingers'?
I think the best way to handle that IF you really think you would like to spare others and covertly help the gent, would be to frame it in some way similar to this; "I really enjoyed the dance, and because I hope we can do this again, I want to let you know that I happen to have a fairly fragile ----insert the injured body part here---which I have learned actually that a number of women also share as an issue, so it would really be a favor to me if the next time we dance we could slightly adjust our hold by---insert your remedy here"......I'd probably only bother if he was a really nice guy and I thought I might run into him again, or the offense was so strong as to present someone else in the future with an injury...otherwise, I have not found the the vast number of male egos at dances to be terribly open to recieving such a thing ...so I generally wouldn't dare bother
 
#39
Fascination...true. Depends on the situation. Right, sometimes best just to move on without further thought.

I go to dance lessons with my sister and last evening we discussed this on the way. Ha...No different than when we we're teens: appeal to a man's ego. We're both rather wispy so she told one guy, in a joking manner, to be gentle as he was twice as strong as she was and didn't want him to snap her like a twig.
 
#40
I LOVE social dancers… and I teach them too. After all, good dancers dance with anyone. I do not suffer fools tho, and there are some social dancers that think that dance magically appears 'on a flaming pie' (as John Lennon put it) and that they are allowed to heap disdain on dancers who work at being good dancers. That is the situation the I think was happening at the social where a number of women made a judgement on the man.

Social dance etiquette is that you dance with whomever asks you, no questions asked. I say these four women had bad manners in the situation…. and I choose to think that the side with bad manners is trumped by the side that is standing there who is ok to dance.
Just the right inspiration that I needed !
 

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