Went on a date with someone from dance, I need some advice

Okay from my perspective Backstreet, as the girl I would rather get to talk to you a bit more before you ask me out. In my way of thinking, if I'm not interested after talking to you a bit, I can send subtle or not so subtle non-verbal messages that I am or am not interested. This method allows me to save us both embarassment or awkwardness if I would have said "no" if you asked.

Of course I'm not sure if I would be a good stand in for a young, gorgeous college girl. *grin*
Yeah I understand. Anyways, I wish I could time it so that I could be walking by when she is leaving the bookstore cause we park in the same lot. (There is only one parking lot for students nearby) The bookstore closes at 6 but obviously it takes time to count the register and do whatever chores before closing.

Going back to Ashley (Girl from dance) I saw her today and while I didn't talk to her at great lengths the few things I said made her all giggly and laughing and full of smiles. I will see her again Thursday (We're closed on the 4th) and I will probably give her a bit more attention, talk to her more, etc, and see how things go. Like I said before, I'd rather just stay friends if worse came to worse.

One thing I do have working in my favor is in the Wed and Thurs classes this girl I know (Never dated her) who is pretty good looking came back. We always flirt a little back and forth and she is always giving me hugs and such. So like one girl said, girls tend to like guys that have other girls chasing them so this works in my favor.
 

samina

Well-Known Member
So anyways, from a girl's perspective (Or guy's), should I build more rapport with this girl before asking her out or simply go for it the next time I walk in there? She should be working Wed.

Anyways off to dance and I will update on Ashley.
build rapport... unless she's already made it obvious she's interested. go in especially to see her. "just passing by, wanted to say hi...", something like that, and see how it goes. do something to stand out from the other guys that troll thru there... you're not the only one -- both cute counter girls & waitresses get cruised all the time...
 

latingal

Well-Known Member
One thing I do have working in my favor is in the Wed and Thurs classes this girl I know (Never dated her) who is pretty good looking came back. We always flirt a little back and forth and she is always giving me hugs and such. So like one girl said, girls tend to like guys that have other girls chasing them so this works in my favor.
mmm....I would have to say in my opinion it depends on the girl. If you're openly flirting with another girl in front of her, she may feel you are giving her mixed signals about liking her one moment, but somebody else in the next. I would think this would be more likely too if she had a bad experience with her former relationship.

Backstreet, I know that you are young and enjoying college life and the field as they say...but you may wish to spare a girl's feelings. Are you empathetic enough to put yourself in her shoes to see how she might react to your actions? Would it help you figure out some of her past reactions?

And Backstreet if you're not really serious about being with just this girl, you've mentioned quite a few that you'd go out with now, do take a look at where she is and what she's looking for. From her point of view, if she's the type that normally gets seriously involved, you may look like you're leading her on.
 
mmm....I would have to say in my opinion it depends on the girl. If you're openly flirting with another girl in front of her, she may feel you are giving her mixed signals about liking her one moment, but somebody else in the next. I would think this would be more likely too if she had a bad experience with her former relationship.

Backstreet, I know that you are young and enjoying college life and the field as they say...but you may wish to spare a girl's feelings. Are you empathetic enough to put yourself in her shoes to see how she might react to your actions? Would it help you figure out some of her past reactions?

And Backstreet if you're not really serious about being with just this girl, you've mentioned quite a few that you'd go out with now, do take a look at where she is and what she's looking for. From her point of view, if she's the type that normally gets seriously involved, you may look like you're leading her on.
1) Yes she did have a bad experience with her former relationship.

Would it help you figure out some of her past reactions?
2) I've tried that was why I originally came here. I got a series of mixed responses and I am still not sure. What really sealed the deal was when I did in fact ask her out a second time (About a week later) and she said "I'M BUSY" and her body language was facing away from me and didn't even look at me when she said that.

3) Yes I would like to seriously date her and if we started going out I would most likely forget about everyone else. I do LIKE her. While I am attracted to the other girls I mentioned I don't know if I like them.

4) Also this girl could be in an extreme emotional state too. Like I said, her boyfriend (Back in May) dumped her and started dating someone immediatly after. (Most likely was cheating) Her dad (From what she writes) treats her like crap. Maybe she doesn't have a good image of men?

Granted when we went out I spoke to her Monday, gave her a birthday card Wed, and then asked her out Thursday and got the I'M busy response that I stated above. I should note during this time I wasn't flirting with other girls in front of her or anything of that nature.


On her father

you only cared when i didnt have a voice which was when i was not able to talk when i was young. and now that i have the right to voice anything you dont know how to listen. im tired of explaining how to listen. you act like a little kid you dont know how to be a father. you only care about your life you dont even care about me or my sister anymore its all about kathy and amanda. you care more with what they do then you care about us. i've been here 18 years they have only been here for 2 years. and they are treated like they are the world, when really your world is your kids but no you dont see it that way. i can never talk to just you it has to be the whole world then even with that they dont even know the whole story. not everyone in the world needs to know what happens with your side of the story. if your going to tell someone tell them everything. and dad its not my fault nothing ever is i didnt make you do this to me you didnt because you cant stand anyone being right so you blame the one person you could me. thats not fair. thansk for fu**ing up this for me.

NOTE: The above was posted publically by her (For anyone to see)

Edit: I guess what I am getting at is maybe she is an emotional wreck and avoid her too?
 
And now back to the regularly scheduled topic....okay?

I don't understand LG: our discussion was precisely on the original poster and the possible outcomes of him continuing to try to date his girl when she is not responding. We both used an analogy - but this was also right on point - and I think rather cute. Whats off topic?
 
I don't understand LG: our discussion was precisely on the original poster and the possible outcomes of him continuing to try to date his girl when she is not responding. We both used an analogy - but this was also right on point - and I think rather cute. Whats off topic?
I guess it was my second post that only commented the seinfeld episode and not the analogy. Well, this post is also off-topic...
 

latingal

Well-Known Member
I guess it was my second post that only commented the seinfeld episode and not the analogy. Well, this post is also off-topic...
Thank you for understanding RO, I don't mean to be a nag, but as you can see our original poster is still looking to get advice from you all and sometimes a post can throw a thread into topic oblivion...thanks again.
 

meow

New Member
Wow. And not in a good way. Ashley sounds like a very unhappy girl and that is sad. I wouldn't even try to say what her problems are as I think they are hugely complex.
For you Backstreet, I think you need to look at yourself and know whether you could take on this girl and be supportive of her (if you indeed start a relationship). From reading 'her post on her father' I'm starting to think she isn't playing games but that she is emotionally a wreck. If you started dating and found that she isn't what you want you could end up doing her more harm. I know you are young and it is impossible to put older heads on young shoulders but that is why you are asking us for advice.
When, in general, you meet someone, you don't always have as much info on that person as you have given us, so in this instance I would think very carefully about what you want, what you could handle and how that could affect her.
As for the girl at the library, how was her response (smile?, scowl?, look at you?, look away?) when you said Hi? If you think it was favorable then ask her out. But if you do ask her out and she says yes then leave Ashley alone and just be a good friend to her.
 

latingal

Well-Known Member
Ah Backstreet, this does sound complicated. Unfortunately we here do not have the benefit of being able to observe this young lady's actions and her reactions to you.

Perhaps I can suggest an alternative route? Since this young lady seems to be hurting from the breakup of her former relationship and issues with her family, no matter what she might be able to use a friend. Are you comfortable talking to her and giving supprt as a close friend if she's open to that? If so you will find out a great deal more about her and her current state and then you might decide whether you can be in a good relationship with her. Being her friend now, does not preclude being something more at a later point.

Wish we could give you a definitive answer, but anytime humans and strong emotions are involved - unless you happen to be psychic - it can be somewhat of a guessing game.
 
Ah Backstreet, this does sound complicated. Unfortunately we here do not have the benefit of being able to observe this young lady's actions and her reactions to you.

Perhaps I can suggest an alternative route? Since this young lady seems to be hurting from the breakup of her former relationship and issues with her family, no matter what she might be able to use a friend. Are you comfortable talking to her and giving supprt as a close friend if she's open to that? If so you will find out a great deal more about her and her current state and then you might decide whether you can be in a good relationship with her. Being her friend now, does not preclude being something more at a later point.

Wish we could give you a definitive answer, but anytime humans and strong emotions are involved - unless you happen to be psychic - it can be somewhat of a guessing game.
Actually yes that does sound like a good idea. How would you recommend I go about it? I wouldn't mind helping someone out if they are willing to receive it. In fact, now that you mention it, I believe she did say (In a post like the above) that she is willing to talk if people will listen. (Interpreting that as she would like to talk to someone)

So how would you approach such a sensitive situation? I would say my relationship to her (Prior to going out) was more of acquatinences. We never got together outside of the studio, but would sometimes talk online but definitely always talk when we were together at the studio.
 

meow

New Member
I think you have said, if I remember correctly, that she has a myspace page and that you are on it? If so, she wouldn't be surprised that you had read some of her writings in regards to needing someone to listen to her. Perhaps just being friends, offering to be her friend, someone she can talk to, will help her. If she is receptive (which may not be straight away) then you will learn more about her. You may find that just being friends is what you want too. And if something else comes out of the friendship then it will develop naturally.
 

latingal

Well-Known Member
I wouldn't mind helping someone out if they are willing to receive it. In fact, now that you mention it, I believe she did say (In a post like the above) that she is willing to talk if people will listen.
You are a good man Backstreet.

Backstreet said:
So how would you approach such a sensitive situation? [...] We never got together outside of the studio, but would sometimes talk online but definitely always talk when we were together at the studio.
Well I guess I would give her a chance to get to know you better in an environment that is comfortable to her, perhaps just hanging out after class at the studio? Are you or she running off after class? Is there an opportunity to just sit and talk?

As for how to get to know her as a friend, perhaps talking to her about a current challenge you are facing, or if she brings up a subject really listening and asking questions that are pertinent but lead deeper into the subject? It would seem to me that either will lead you to a level where you can start getting to know each other.

Perhaps some of the other members have some suggestions too?
 

meow

New Member
You have dancing in common so there is a topic to start with. Do you both like other things perhaps - talking about general, fun stuff might help her loosen up.
 
Hmm it can be ackward trying to following the normal dating protocols when you know you're going to see each other again at a dance social. Dating dancers in your community can be tricky.... from my own experiences. I can tell you stories...

besos,
Eva
 
4) Also this girl could be in an extreme emotional state too. Like I said, her boyfriend (Back in May) dumped her and started dating someone immediatly after. (Most likely was cheating) Her dad (From what she writes) treats her like crap. Maybe she doesn't have a good image of men?

Granted when we went out I spoke to her Monday, gave her a birthday card Wed, and then asked her out Thursday and got the I'M busy response that I stated above. I should note during this time I wasn't flirting with other girls in front of her or anything of that nature.
Aha. In my opinion, here is your answer as to why she is emotionally messed up right now. I have been cheated on, and it really hurt. I didn't want to see any guys for a looooooooooong time (even the good looking ones). I wouldn't be surprised if this is her case right now. More than likely from what you described, he cheated on her. She probably knew it and didn't want to face it like what I went through. Seriously after you have seen someone for a long time (mine was four years), and they do something like that to you, and you've tried to ignore past behavior, (but in my case there was no past behavior that I could catch, he did everything right, but almost overly done right in my case probably to cover up his tracks), it does catch you off guard.

Anyways, you are a good looking guy. You should have no problems finding girls to date. I would suggest being her friend first. Communication and trust are the two things you should probably focus on with her if you do want to take this seriously. Once a girl has been hurt, it's hard moving on without communication and trust.

I wish you the best of luck with this. I haven't read any further updates from you to know if anything has happened since. So, that's just my advice as to what you have said so far.
 

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