Why some women are not asked to dance

Me

New Member
#45
The worst way I've ever seen a person turned down for a dance? Worse than being ignored, that's for sure. :(

A student who had just started learning tango approached a woman at a milonga. He asked her for a dance. She said, "No." Okay fine... but her partner says, "Oh, go on. Dance with him" to which she says, "No." Her partner then says, "Well, why not?" Her reply? She turned to the student and said, "I'm sorry sweetie, but this isn't a classroom. This is a dance social."

!!!!!!!!!

I quickly grabbed the poor guy up for a dance... but he's never come back to any milongas. :(

Later she apologized to him, and honestly I don't think she normally treats people like that, but it left the scars. He's quit tango completely.
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
#46
perhaps it is my catholic upbringing...I wouldn't be able to live with myself for being that arrogant and uncharitable...honestly, and I think most women are like me...I have never turned a man down for a dance in my life....if he smells to the point of gagging me or is an arrogant son of a gun, I might evade a bit, but I have never turned a man down...(um, other than pro)...but THAT is another story altogether
 
#48
One thing I've been taught in a cabeceo class is that when one woman in a bunch declines my invitation I must go back to my seat and not invite another woman of the bunch.
you have a cabaceo class?!!!!!!!

i'd much rather go to the 'interpreting women on the dance floor and identifying who is really interested in you and who is just having a great time dacning with you but wouldn't go home with you if you were the last man on earth'. now, where can i find that class? :rolleyes:
 

Peaches

Well-Known Member
#50
What's the speed of an Amazonian swallow? :)

OK, the "no" was in relation to the "this is the way to sit" bit - I was just being a little cheeky. :p
Ah, got it. I was being "a little cheeky" myself--playing on the 'have the *ahem* to ask me directly' bit. Note to self: humor doesn't always transfer over the net.

I was referring to the original post and replying to Spectator - but yes, we seem to be in agreement. It's bad enough to refuse a dance with no reason, but ignoring someone when they ask you to dance... that really makes me :mad:.

As a leader, we've all been beginners, and we've all had the worry of asking a unknown person to dance. Anything that makes this process more difficult - which, in this case, it seems to - is just a tried-and-tested method of reinforcing the "too many women" problem in most partner dancing.
Yep. Seems to me, if they guy asks politely--regardless of how he actually does the asking--it's all good. The key is polite, after that it's all fair game.
 

Peaches

Well-Known Member
#51
Does "oooh, my feet hurt too much... I'm having a break" let you off the hook without being cruel?
I sure as hell hope so. I've used that plenty of times. Mostly, I am just taking a break because either my feet hurt too much, or I just want a break. If I genuinely want to dance with the guy--just not then--I follow it up by asking him to find me in a bit, or playfully making him promise me another dance, or promising that i"ll hunt him down when I'm ready.
 
#52
Does "oooh, my feet hurt too much... I'm having a break" let you off the hook without being cruel?
there are.. different.. opinions about it. but in my books, a transparent lie is worse than an unexplained 'no'.

when you say 'no' to me without giving any reasons (and you are free to make it nicer, and use a phrase like 'sorry, how about some other time?' etc), you are free to dance with someone else right away, and when you ask me to dance sometime in future (or do the cabaceo thing and elicit a request to dance from me), you will get a positive response from me. So perhaps you'd turned me down once or twice when I was a beginner, and in a few weeks time, you felt more comfortable dancing with me, I'd not remember being lied to,and would be ok dancing with you happily.

Also agree with what Peaches said.
 

Peaches

Well-Known Member
#54
:) I like it!

Regarding your horrendous turn-down story...OMG. What a [bolero]!!! Sounds to me like the woman wouldn't know common courtesy if it bit her in the [alemana]--on or off a dance floor.
 
#55
i've been pondering soul vs. skill in dancing the last few days... (read my whines on the whining thread :| )

one thing that comes to mind is that the more i dance, the more i crave for a connection with my partner, or, i want our skills to match evenly, and many a times, it is the desire for both. but generally, i can be happy dancing with a less skilled follower who I have a great connection with, or a highly skilled dancer, but if both qualities are lacking, i won't ask her to dance much at all. exceptions are rank beginners who are just finding their footing on the social scene, but their free pass also has an expiry stamp on it. even beginners can be sincere in their attempts to dance well, and try to bring a connection to the experience.

another thing - if she is a gal that i know as someone who doesn't work hard to learn, but just tries to learn by doing - i.e., doesn't take classes, but insists on showing up at socials anyway and burdens herself upon unsuspecting leads who ask her and learns on the social floor by just doing it, i'll never ask her again. maybe i will when she has managed to become a good dancer, but very few can pull such a trick successfully.
 
#56
hmmm....sometimes dressing differently makes someone see you differently...I have some friends who usually are dressed down. Then now and then I see them dressed up and I go "woah". I notice that my eyes wander to them where normally they usually wouldn't do so as often. And...I admit to asking them more often...not necessarily because they are dressed sexy, but their different dress attracts my attention and I'm more likely to ask people who attract my attention. I guess I'm superficial.... ;-)

When I dress up I get a lot of attention. I mean a lot...and I'm a guy. People feel good dancing with someone who is dressed well vs someone dressed in gym shorts/t-shirt/sandals. I guess there are many ladies who are superficicial. ;-)


To people of equal ability, and one dressed really well...and one nondescript. Who will attract your attention? Who will get the dances when there is a surplus of dancers....?
I like this thread. It's interesting! But your post made me laugh!!!! It's funny. If I'm by the usual crowd, I will probably wear the same boring stuff. But I do like bringing sexy to the dance floor as well sometimes though too (at socials I mean). It's amazing all of the compliments I get from it. One time, I had a guy that started to speak French to me after he saw me in an outfit. I was like, ok. I must have impressed him lol. But see, I still dress very conservatively even on the dance floor at socials if this makes sense, so nothing that would show anything in other words lol. But I do know what looks good on me when I feel up to it though too. So, I tend to have some fun to see what people like and what they don't like.

And if I go to this formal coming up, there are a couple of dresses that I'm thinking about. One is a really sexy formal, the other is very formal. Both are appropriate to wear for the occasion. But it would be interesting to me for the guys to see me in a dress they haven't seen before, or a style they haven't seen me in before. ;)

But regarding this overall thread though, I've danced with guys in all kinds of outfits. From tuxes to slacks to jeans to shorts. It doesn't matter to me. Probably the only reason why I might not dance with them again is in the way that they lead me on the dance floor. Yes, I still want my arms and legs attached to me by the time I leave the dance floor. So, that's the main reason. Otherwise, no biggie. ;)
 

samina

Well-Known Member
#57
Does "oooh, my feet hurt too much... I'm having a break" let you off the hook without being cruel?
if i need a break, i say i'm taking a break & don't feel the list bit guilty. if i do say that, tho, i make sure i don't accept any dance offers from anyone else. and if i don't want to avoid dancing with the guy, i tell him to come get for something else later. if i want to avoid dancing with him... i definitely make no such invitation.
 

jfm

Active Member
#59
You know what, when I go out dancing I want to have a good time. I work hard and after office hours I want to relax. I don't want to dance with bad dancers anymore. I'm fed up with it. I'm happy to dance with beginners if they are having fun and are "dancing" (as opposed to the later beginners who have stopped listening to the music and are focusing on steps) and I do. I don't want to dance with someone who flings me around, knocks me off my axis and tries to teach on the dance floor. I'd even ignore the stuff on the other thread if dancing with him was otherwise lovely. I'd rather say i didn't like the song or my feet hurt and then sit out the next few songs than put myself through that crap. I'm not a great follower, and for every nightmare dance I have it takes a few tandas to recover, so I think it's also unfair on my other partners. That is why non verbal initiations of invitation are great. If I don't want to dance with you I won't invite you to dance with me by catching your eye. simple as that. Sometimes I'd rather dance a single lovely tanda with a particular leader and watch and socialise the rest of the evening that dance with every guy in the place. rant over.
 
#60
You know what, when I go out dancing I want to have a good time. I work hard and after office hours I want to relax. I don't want to dance with bad dancers anymore. I'm fed up with it. I'm happy to dance with beginners if they are having fun and are "dancing" (as opposed to the later beginners who have stopped listening to the music and are focusing on steps) and I do. I don't want to dance with someone who flings me around, knocks me off my axis and tries to teach on the dance floor. I'd even ignore the stuff on the other thread if dancing with him was otherwise lovely. I'd rather say i didn't like the song or my feet hurt and then sit out the next few songs than put myself through that crap. I'm not a great follower, and for every nightmare dance I have it takes a few tandas to recover, so I think it's also unfair on my other partners. That is why non verbal initiations of invitation are great. If I don't want to dance with you I won't invite you to dance with me by catching your eye. simple as that. Sometimes I'd rather dance a single lovely tanda with a particular leader and watch and socialise the rest of the evening that dance with every guy in the place. rant over.
I used to think that. But then it's like, even though I've only been dancing two years now, there are some dancers that have been dancing less than I have when it comes to socials. Sometimes, only teachers will be at the socials that have more experience than you (and sometimes teachers if they are new, will have less experience as well). (It depends on how big your studio is for the most part.) So, I've learned to just live with it at socials. I won't go to beginning group lessons any more though, because of that. But that's why he has different levels of classes. But yeah, I understand where you are coming from. It used to frustrate me. ;)
 

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