Women asking men to dance.

I recently *did* pull myself together and ask a leader to dance, and the sky did not fall, the earth did not open and swallow me, nor did I spontaneously combust.

I had watched this gentleman dance well all evening, and suddenly, he was sitting out a foxtrot.
If "well" is removed, that could have been me (at B., perhaps?). I sit out sometimes for the kind-to-me ladies to invite me. Ladies who disfavor me won't approach. Isn't sitting out a very easy way to right acquaintance (or into a trap)?
 

j_alexandra

Well-Known Member
If "well" is removed, that could have been me (at B., perhaps?). I sit out sometimes for the kind-to-me ladies to invite me. Ladies who disfavor me won't approach. Isn't sitting out a very easy way to right acquaintance (or into a trap)?
It may well have been you at B (now known as R, if that's the B you're talking about). That's where I do most of my social dancing. If it was you, thanks!

I had several opportunities to ask men to dance this weekend. I went social dancing two nights in a row, and managed to break the ice with some leaders who had never even made eye contact with me before. And cracked a particularly hard case, one who seems never to dance with anyone. He turned out to be a lovely lead, I was so happy I forced the issue-- and I did have to force the issue, he's been known to say no when women ask him. And it's not b/c he's a newbie, he's been around for years, according to my friends in the social dance community. I'm chalking it up to "shy," b/c he really was quite wonderful.

I also asked a man who, it turned out, was an utter newbie. And I mean, never waltzed before. Came to the social to watch. But he was happy. Win.
 

j_alexandra

Well-Known Member
Interesting to go back in this thread and find my original post Dupont quoted, from 2009! I've forgotten so much of what it was like to be me, back then. I myself was a pretty raw newbie, so I'm having a hard time not squirming, reading myself from back then. But the truth remains the same: I'll ask. You don't ask, you don't get.
 

Steve Pastor

Moderator
Staff member
Maybe you all can help me refine my course of action on something related to the subject of this thread.

Woman X has been asking me to dance for months now, which I have been doing, and pretty much enjoying. But, there is currently a problem with comments such as "I don't think you know what you are doing." There is a previous history along these lines which lead to a short talk a few weeks ago.
These comments seem to be the latest iteration. There is also the awful look on her face when I lead something she isn't comfortable with - by which I mean something all the other guys don't do, and she's hasn't done dozens of times. (Don't we all prefer the "Hey what was that? Do it again," type of response.)

I decided probably years ago that it is simply not worth it to dance with people who won't just dance and sow discord with their remarks. One of the first times was when I stopped participating in a class when a chronic complainer neared, again, in the class rotation.

Now, if someone wants to have me explain what I'm doing, I'm good with that, but AFTER we are done dancing. There have been no requests for explainations or working on something off to the side.

I think the best / most honest thing for me to do is tell her, in as diplomatic a fashion as I can, that if it doesn't stop, we won't be dancing together any more.

I guess I'm looking for alternative wordings, etc.
Everyone? Anyone?
 

twnkltoz

Well-Known Member
What I would suggest is something along the lines of, "You know, I appreciate you asking me, but it just seems like you don't enjoy dancing with me based on your comments in the past. Maybe we just aren't a good fit."

Also, what a b****. I hate people who have bad manners.
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
hmmm...am just going to throw out a few questions to get a better sense of things...first off, I am one of those people who doesn't have a good poker face...if I am screwing up, you may see it all over my face,and it may have no bearing on what I think of you or your skill...I'm just throwing that out there...you know her better than I....

I also think that I have been guilty of trying to understand something I am confused about while in the process of it instead of waiting until later...


is it possible that instead of issuing what may seem like an ultimatum to her, you might instead share with her what you find disturbing and ask for an alternate way of puzzling through things that don't work?...unless she thinks you are broken and she can fix you, it sounds like she has some interest in dancing with you since she is seeking you out...seems like it might be possible to suggest to her a different way for her to navigate rough patches in dancing with you ...shrug...hard to say from here
 

Warren J. Dew

Well-Known Member
I think the best / most honest thing for me to do is tell her, in as diplomatic a fashion as I can, that if it doesn't stop, we won't be dancing together any more.

I guess I'm looking for alternative wordings, etc.
Everyone? Anyone?
If you don't enjoy dancing with her, just say, "no, thank you" when she asks. If it's important to her, she can ask you about the reasons.
 

raindance

Well-Known Member
Maybe you all can help me refine my course of action on something related to the subject of this thread.

Woman X has been asking me to dance for months now, which I have been doing, and pretty much enjoying. But, there is currently a problem with comments such as "I don't think you know what you are doing." There is a previous history along these lines which lead to a short talk a few weeks ago.
These comments seem to be the latest iteration. There is also the awful look on her face when I lead something she isn't comfortable with - by which I mean something all the other guys don't do, and she's hasn't done dozens of times. (Don't we all prefer the "Hey what was that? Do it again," type of response.)
An alternate tactic could be to stick to basics or familiar moves with her ... Not every lady enjoys the challenge of trying to follow moves that are unfamiliar to them. (And things that are unfamiliar can feel "wrong".) She may be expressing this poorly, or she might just be rude, or there may be another explanation ... But either way if you only lead things she is likely to be able to follow, you might avoid the problem.
 

twnkltoz

Well-Known Member
An alternate tactic could be to stick to basics or familiar moves with her ... Not every lady enjoys the challenge of trying to follow moves that are unfamiliar to them. (And things that are unfamiliar can feel "wrong".) She may be expressing this poorly, or she might just be rude, or there may be another explanation ... But either way if you only lead things she is likely to be able to follow, you might avoid the problem.

HA! I bet if you do only the basic step for the whole song, she'll be able to follow it...and she may stop asking you after that. :)

Sorry, I'm just bitter and cranky about people who dis the person who is kind enough to dance with them. I have a low tolerance for that kind of thing.
 
Woman X has been asking me to dance for months now, which I have been doing, and pretty much enjoying. But, there is currently a problem with comments such as "I don't think you know what you are doing." There is a previous history along these lines which lead to a short talk a few weeks ago.

These comments seem to be the latest iteration. There is also the awful look on her face when I lead something she isn't comfortable with - by which I mean something all the other guys don't do, and she's hasn't done dozens of times. (Don't we all prefer the "Hey what was that? Do it again," type of response.)

I decided probably years ago that it is simply not worth it to dance with people who won't just dance and sow discord with their remarks. One of the first times was when I stopped participating in a class when a chronic complainer neared, again, in the class rotation.

Now, if someone wants to have me explain what I'm doing, I'm good with that, but AFTER we are done dancing. There have been no requests for explainations or working on something off to the side.

I think the best / most honest thing for me to do is tell her, in as diplomatic a fashion as I can, that if it doesn't stop, we won't be dancing together any more.
Apart from jokes which I could not resist tossing in, there is one question -- is she actually right?

My woman teacher keeps stopping me in mid-dance to point out an imperfect move. She is right of course, every time (she is an eminent dance judge). If I don't like hearing such deflating interruptions I have a simple remedy -- to understand then turn imperfect into faultless. When there is no fault there is no criticism from her. Quite the reverse, my teacher has been known to gush how much she enjoyed dancing with me. She was not knocking me, she was knocking the imperfection I paid her handsomely to do.

Agreed there is absolutely no call to say "I don't think you know what you are doing?" or to pull a face. If she has a better idea let her say so and demo the better way.

If she wants to lead then fair enough, let her find a partner willing to follow.
Or she could give up ballroom and latin in favour of her true calling -- a war dance.
 

Steve Pastor

Moderator
Staff member
there is one question -- is she actually right?
Apart from jokes which I could not resist tossing in
Going with that second quote...

Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long, long year
But what's puzzling you
Is just the nature of my dance
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my dance, oh yeah, get down, baby
if you meet me
Have some courtesy
Have some sympathy, and some taste
Use all your well-learned politesse
Or I'll lay your dance to waste, um yeah
Tell me baby, what's my name
Tell me honey, can ya guess my name
Tell me baby, what's my name
I tell you one time, you're to blame

This was a lot more fun that writing about why, maybe, I know what I'm doing! (which I did, but... how unamusing that was!)

Seriously, keep discussing since I'm sure this happens to other people, and I probably won't know for sure what I'm going to do until the moment arrives.
 

raindance

Well-Known Member
(FWIW, I didn't mean to imply that you didn't know what you were doing. Just that even a well led but unfamiliar move might not be this follower's cup of tea. And it was only a suggestion of one way to approach the situation. Let us know how it goes.)
 

toothlesstiger

Well-Known Member
If I were in your position Steve...
It would kind of depend on what the nature of our relationship was off the dance floor. If it was just some lady that asks me to dance, the next time she made such a comment, depending on my reading of her personality, I might say "Why do you want to dance with such a terrible dancer like me?"
But really, I couldn't handle that more than once or twice before the next time she asked I would decline, saying, "I'm sorry, I'm really too much of a beginner to dance with you."
 

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