Frustrations, rollercoasters, and dance improvement

The pains of my life, part II. Lots of babbling. You have been warned.
Recently (late September to early October) my partner in crime and in dancing (also one of my very best girl friends) left for the UK to study Chemistry. That left me with the only viable option: keep on dancing by myself, and take private lessons by myself.
So I started private lessons by myself, and something clicked. I was happy dancing along with my friend for all that time, but being alone gave me new liberties I had not thought of or felt before. So at my first lesson my teacher was wowed. Said I had never danced better.
I felt almost... powerful. After some hard words by my teacher (and others, but she did most of it) I had finally put it in my head that I am not crap. Heck, I am actually good! Not comp good or pro good, but good. And I might have some sort of style of my own. Yes indeed. (I remember that a co-dancer and friend of mine commented at one lesson that she liked my movement, that it was very cat-like. Suffice to say I was shocked.)
So with that newfound boost of confidence, I went on for the past couple of months. Things had been going pretty cool, till lately I started feeling strange again. I started comparing myself to other people again, saw how they progressed and how quickly, saw what they had that I didn't. Suddenly I didn't feel so powerful anymore. What I had (a little bit of style and some good technique) was not so special. My standards went up again, and yet again I felt my confidence go downhill.
And that's how it goes with my confidence. Fragile as hell, it's on this crazy rollercoaster. Sometimes I feel like I'm worth a dime or two. Some others I feel I'm so what. And sometimes I'm terribly worried that all this talk of being crappy is all just an effort by my subconscious to produce compliments. It's not impossible. I hate the very idea.
Sometimes I think of making a living out of this thing I love so much. There are times it seems not only plausible, but highly possible as well. After all, love is all it takes, isn't it? Love and persistence and loyalty, in a way. Some other times all that talk sounds like bull in my ears. Who am I to teach anyone? I don't know s*** about dancing, I can't even decide whether I'm worth anything or not. I'm unstable in many ways, irritating in others. I'm no person to teach social dancing when I'm neither a social person nor a decent dancer. And I don't know if I'll ever be.
I feel like I'm in this shell. I don't let anyone in, I don't let anything out. Which would make it impossible for me to work on an dancers enviroment, unless I were some sort of superdancer, which I'm not. I don't mix well with other poeple, I can be snappy and irritable.
I don't know what to do with my life. I'm studying Physics because it's so general a topic I can do something with it later on when I decide what I want to do with my life. But it's hard to realise what I want when I've also got dancing on one side. I try to think of my life without it and I can't. It hurts. So this is what I want to do with my life? I can't picture myself doing anything. Perhaps dancing, but that's only sometimes, when my hopes are up.
So I'm disorientated career-wise and can't figure out my own self. My friends had always been supportive on issues I have had, but now they're all gone to different places. I'm stuck with the ones I never really communicated with.
I'm what? Disorientated career-wise, can't figure out my own self, I have no friends (university ate them). A LOT of pent-up frustration is somewhere in me, only I can't feel a thing. Very weird state of shock. I'm waiting for an outburst. It's not coming, but I feel bad energy leaking all around. It's sort of like having an alien in your guts.

So I really don't know why I'm writing and posting all this. To get it out of my system. Because maybe someone will say a wise word and something will go "clickety-epiphany" in my head and all my problems will be solved. Or maybe just because I wanted to.

Twilight Elena

Hmm, i'm not sure what to say..... for me personally, i feel that every time when i reach a new stage in life (ie, starting university, graduating from university, starting a career....etc) it always lead to some level of frustration and new-found anxiety. It's especially bad if things aren't looking so "bright" or the uncertainty level is high. I find that once things get "settled" - the built up frustration/anxiety also dissipates as well - I suppose this is a normal reaction to stress? Hang in there, things will get better, [hugs] :friend:

This is something my favorite author wrote that I think applies here...

Stephen R Donaldson

Twilight_Elena said:

A LOT of pent-up frustration is somewhere in me, only I can't feel a thing. Very weird state of shock. I'm waiting for an outburst. It's not coming, but I feel bad energy leaking all around.

Click to expand...

I know this feeling all too well.

diputsnyc said:

I know this feeling all too well.

Click to expand...

any words of wisdom for a quick 'n easy fix?

jhpark said:

This is something my favorite author wrote that I think applies here...

Stephen R Donaldson

Click to expand...

I like this quote, I can totally relate.. Very true

nothing worth fixing is done quick-n-easy. and anyway, i don't believe this needs to be fixed, any more than the itching caused by a scab forming needs to be 'fixed' (that's how the skin heals) or growing pains need to be 'fixed' (that's how stuff, um, grows.)

my only advice, if you could even call it that is to keep dancing, and observe how your emotional state and your dancing intertwine, or stay separate. the longer you dance, the more you'll start to see connections. then you can use the dancing, if you decide to do so, to "work out" whatever's going on inside.

FWIW, Elena, i have felt the same as you many times.

lynn said:

any words of wisdom for a quick 'n easy fix?

Click to expand...

Unfortunately I have not found an easy fix.

Some people remember their pasts, I have blocked mine out.
Some people dream at night, I do not.
Some people cry when they are sad, I do not.
My life has been pretty good, but something is not right.
I spend my life in a daze, knowing what I need to do to get out of it, but unable to come up with the energy to do so.

Tonight I am going to dance. I will take two classes and then go to the practice party. I will have to force myself to go, but I know that I need to.

Some moments I will be really nervous that I will not be able to do a move. Some moments I will be really nervous because I have to partner someone. Some moments I will think that I wil never be able to do this.

But then there is that one moment where everything seems to work. I try to explain it away, but I know what happened. I am lucky if this happens once a night. But it is what keeps me going back.

I can only enter myself through the physical. My mind is too powerful to let me in. I chip away at it slowly, whether it is a bike ride or a work out or dancing.

Now I am rambling.

I can name things that have happened in my life, and most people could only wish they have had the opportunities. Yet, I understand the feeling of the world spinning out of control. I understand not being able to get out of bed.

I am trying to come up with some brilliant wisdom to end this, and I have none.

that sounds so.....sad..... maybe i'm in a sentimental mood lately but it's still...sad....

lynn said:

that sounds so.....sad..... maybe i'm in a sentimental mood lately but it's still...sad....

Click to expand...

It is sad if you let it take over.

It is life if you use it to make yourself stronger.

true, but it's only natural to feel sad over well, sad things.....

I forget that part sometimes. Trying to be strong to move forward, but forgetting to deal with the present.

unfortunately, sometimes only time can heal the wound, there are instances where no amount of "dealing" will help.....

Im kind of in the same situation as yours right now...
Im trying to choose between starting a different career not. In the middle of that are my interests (dancing is one of them).
Sometimes is good to be away from your old friends... Its just a matter of time until you make new ones.
In order to make a decision taking time off is always good, taking a distance from everything puts it on perspective. (at least in my situation has helped me lots).
I would tell you that dont be afraid to make mistakes. Maybe you can try one thing and see how it works, and if its not maybe you can do other thing... It is better to at least make a try and really think about what you want than to finish the university in the thing you dont like.
Anyway, you will know what to do better than me.

it is almost comical that I should advise anyone at this moment...so view this as something that only MIGHT have merit...here are my random thoughts


dance progress is like losing weight...at first...if you are serious, you improve rapidly...then as time goes by and the things you need to learn to improve are more difficult and subtle...you pratice more with less noticalbe pay off....it is then that you can only fight your own inner negative demons which are the enemy

as for being irratble and snappy and not terribly social all the time...well, welcome to the human race and in particular to the world of artists....and even more particularly to the world of passionate artists...if perfect personality were a prerequisite...then lots of dancers who have trouble keeping their personal crap together would be gone too...

a passion is always worth pursuing...an insurance policy is wisdom

finally, try to appreciate that life for no one no matter how actualized is devoid of all boredom and self-doubt and empty times....there is a value to suffering in that it serves a purpose to make us search and wonder and struggle to move...but we can't push the river...we have to flow in it even as we feel lost and it is tumbling us about...when we get still it eventually takes us to another space...

in the meantime, stay connected to others even if they arent your ideal others, isolation is also the enemy...but dont make hasty decisions just b/c you don't like the space you're in...just thoughts...just stuff that works for me but might not work for you